Freedom of Thought


Everyone has an opinion, so do I. Even though I speak 10,000 words a minute, more often than not I refrain from putting forth my opinion. If I need a suggestion or help I'd directly approach a person and ask for it. But when unwanted answers come my way I feel like ramming an iron rod right into their mouth.

Today, matter of factly I realised that since yesterday, its been exactly 2 years since I've been single. Okay, that would not be the appropriate word to use. But I'd go by Katrina Kaif's statement this time; "As long as I'm not married, I'm single". So I am too, I guess. Ah well lets not prod much upon it. So when I happened to tell this to my friends(acquaintances) such was the reaction:

1) Not bad eh, two years for a girl like you!
Me: :|. Seriously what do you think I am?

2) Its okay man, big deal. Someday maybe.
Me: WTF! I never complained, did I?

3) Move on girl, high time. Don't you feel the need to have a boyfriend?
Me: First part, yes. The next, No!

4) You're mad. Don't waste your options. Try them.
Me: :| :| :/. Thanks, but no thanks.

5) Explore.
Me: Eh? Its not an isolated territory.

6) Best thing, get married.
Me: Haha, Thanks :D

7) Really? Good for me ;)
Me: For you yes maybe, for me No.

8) Seriously, that long eh? Must be depressing no?
Me: Not exactly, but stop rubbing it in.

9) So, I know this guy who'll be perfect for you.
Me: Do I look like I care.

10) Why single? Always have a backup na.
Me: Whats that now?

Let me stop now, before I lose my mind. Seriously, why am I friends with these people? :|

Well actually I'm a very happy person, although at times I prove otherwise with stuff like this. The first thing I do when I'm miffed/pissed is lash out. Since the past two years I've made a serious effort to not take out my frustrations on people. Oh believe me I was a terror some time ago. But again as you grow up you realise things and blah blah. So now that I cant speak, I choose to write. I can always do so in my journal, which I do when I get back home. But when I'm at work its always a multiplication theory of frustrations and then it ends up here. I need to be more careful :/

Okay, so I said that I am a pretty happy person. I have a decent enough job, make good enough money to sustain all my needs, have great albeit crazy friends, have enough people in my life to make me feel loved, have music in my ipod, have my mini library at home and my movie collection. And most of all, I have really supportive parents and an extremely possessive sister who lifts an eyebrow each time I mention about a guy in my life. She has her own opinions and has tried to set me up with almost all her eligible friends. Ah well, I wasn't interested before and am not even now. I'll pick the guy I love and will do it when the time is right. Until then people can leave me alone.

There is this girl I know who feels extremely sorry for me because I don't have a boyfriend. Reason, she thinks I don't have anybody to go to when I'm upset or sad. Eh excuse me? What are friends for then? That is when I realised that she has only one person and only one priority in life. I wonder whom she goes to, if she's pissed at him! I pity her and the awful lot out there who think that life is incomplete without a partner. Life sure is more beautiful and worth living if you have the perfect partner, but life is not impossible without one. There are much things to life than having a girlfriend/boyfriend. If you are in love and have found one, then perfect! Good for you. Now let others live in peace.

I have no complaints and no regrets. Well, a few regrets maybe but they are worthwhile. I'm actually happy in an overtly optimistic way, that this happened. I learnt a lot about myself, others and have learnt how to live life. I've brought a lot of positive changes in myself and have come to a stage where I can smile daily, if not laugh whole heartedly. Depression takes time to heal. Who ever said time heals, forgot to specify the recommended dose. And we all know that trial and error doesn't work in medication :P. I've started the healing process long ago, but at times nostalgia gets the better out of you. I can't help it, I'm only human.

I'm content with whatever I have now. I was never a greedy person anyway. I need time. I know 2 years is a lot for anybody. But I'm not anybody. I'm me, and that makes it even more worse. But I'm sure I'll get there someday. And soon. I just don't need any interruptions or fake motivations until then. And most importantly I want to be alone for sometime. Love is not something that will happen when I decide. I was a hardcore romantic and I still am. If I get into something, it will only be because I'm in love. But I need a break now, solitude maybe. So the people who are trying to set me up with their 'friend', 'neighbour', 'cousin' or 'friend's friend' can take some rest. And the people who think that I'm depressed or lonely because I don't have a boyfriend; Ah well, I don't care.

Freedom of thought for you, freedom of speech for me.

Cheers!

I Dream


I dream, of a happy day,
Where all good things come my way;
A day spent with my dear friends,
Talking about everything, books, guys and trends.

I dream, of a successful life,
Happy and content, without any strife;
Independent and confident,
Everything straight, nothing bent.

I dream, of madness,
Jumping, shouting and foolishness;
Loud music and ignoring the neighbour's howl,
Staying up all night jamming like an owl.

I dream, of closeness,
When my whole family is couched together;
Laughing about old memories,
With mom and dad sharing their stories.

I dream, of perfection,
Its you and me hand in hand;
The perfect longest kiss,
Sharing everything, having nothing to miss.

Life...


Life... is like a box of chocolates - a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for, nonreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper.

- The X-Files

I always thought it was Forrest Gump! Bummed :|

Screaming Silence


There is so much that I want to say. Lots of words and frustrations pent up inside me. I write, I write a lot. I talk, I talk a lot too. But those words and feelings inside me is something that I can never pen down. It screams inside me and shakes me up to come out. But I can't get it out. Its something that someone else needs to understand. I have words, plenty of them. I even have fairly good enough talent to write, and I have the means too. But as I open up a note to write I'm overwhelmed by what I feel and can't get beyond that.

There are so many things that I want to say, but when he comes in front of me my antennas are raised and it screams out caution! I'm just happy to say things that he wants to hear knowing that anything else I say may stop the verbal liaison's we have now. I'm so easily willing to let go of my cores; feelings, desires, respect for self, necessities, lust, love and am perfectly willing to put up with the hurt and the pain and the insanity that follows. But there are times when I just want to scream out my side of the sorrowful three months that then lead to two whole years of agony. Every part of me pierces to get it out, but I know I can't. I know I wont.

There are so many things left unsaid. So many questions unanswered. So many questions with the wrong answers. So many answers without the right questions. Unanswered pain, unanswered humiliation, unanswered grief, unanswered mental blocks and unanswered reasons. If only I could say, and if only he could understand.

I smile, I cry. I'm hurt, I'm void. I'm angry, I'm lost. I'm sad, I'm incomplete. I'm frustrated, I'm desperate. I think, I breathe. But again, breathing is not called living.

He smiles, he laughs. He's happy, he's content. He sings, he plays. His touch, his smell. His voice, his words. His madness, his presence. He lives. And so, I live.

As I went back reading my old poetry yesterday I was amazed by how random people who visit my blog understood the pain behind every verse rather than the one who forced these thoughts into my mind. I'm sure he knows, but he'd rather not let me know. Every single person in my life has asked me to let it go and make peace with myself but I can't pass a second without thinking of the reasons for which we smiled together someday. I've always intended on letting go and move on, but I never planned on falling in love more and more all over again. But I guess that's the beauty of love. You never know what happens when, why and how.

No matter what the world says, my heart will do what it wants to anyway. I cant fight it out cos I know that the only way I can win this dragging battle is by letting my heart stop. I had made my peace with the pain and the silence. But at times it gets too much to bear. I've gotten so busy concentrating on being a lioness trying to be bold and strong outside; that at times I forget that I'm human too. The immature, hurt, depressed girl in me screams to get out, but she tightly holds on slowly poisoning my core. Its tough when the potion that poisons and heals you is the same.

When my words didn't work, I chose silence. But it kills, and how. At times it gets so deafening when it screams out the way I feel.

Manipulating Music

This friend of mine always puts up lines or rather verses from uber romantic songs as her status messages. This has been going on since a couple of months. At times it is "If there is someone, its you", "I will do anything for your love", "Love story" and at times it is "You're gonna stand there and watch me burn" or "Beautiful Liar". She's a friend yes, but not someone whom I care for much. But as this practise continued I had to ask her what's going on.

First thought on my mind was that she was in love (yet again!). Phew! The reason I say so is cos she falls in love every two days and with different people for different reasons. None of them reciprocate and she claims that she loses interest in them too. Sigh, I must win a patience award for the number of times I have listened to this. Now you see why I said that she is someone about whom I don't care much. If you thought I was prejudiced, I ain't. I do have reasons for every thing I do or every statement I make.

I too put up a few lines I like or post a blog about my favourite song, but I don't put verses as my status update and change it everyday.

Okay again back to the situation.

Me: Heya, wassup with the status? Seems like someone's in love :D
She: Hello, Oh yeah big time *Blush* *Blush*
Me: (God! Who now?) Wooo that's so cool. Who's he?
She: Its not one but many!! ;)
Me: (Not surprised at all) Good for you lady! But why toggle between happy and sad songs?
She: Don't you get it?
Me: Get what?
She: Awww come on, I said there were many.
Me: (Rolling eyes) So?
She: See, when I fall in love with one its the happy song, when I get bored of him and dispose (I swear, she used that word!)him, its the sad one. When I find the next one its happy and so on..
Me: (Trying to be as sarcastic as I can) That's errr... Gross!??!
She: Noooooo(almost whining), Its awesome you know. I never thought I could be like this.
Me: Ah well, I never thought either! :/
She: Have you ever tried this?
Me: (Wanting to slap her) Happy and sad songs, Yes. But the other thing you do, No.
She: Hehe, Oh come on you're making me sound like a bi*** now ;)
Me: You're glad about that aren't you!?
She: Hmmm, kinda :D
Me: :/ :| :/ :? :|

Well, for those who are perplexed as to what happened let me tell you something. This madam is the exact one whom I introduced here. She lies and lies and lies. I know its tough for people who suffer from an inferiority complex. But trying to hide that using the superiority complex is so not right! Just be happy the way you are. Why make up things and try to shove them down others as well? Sigh, when is she ever gonna learn?

The Wife and the Whore

I ran into an age old friend last week. Actually he's a friend's friend and I've met him at a couple of get-togethers. I don't know him much but at that time (around 4 years ago) he was in a serious relationship with a particular girl. As we were making small talk I asked him how she was. He said that they were not together anymore. Then the following conversation followed.

Me: Oh that's sad!
Him: No, it only worked out for the best.

I should have just shut up and said a polite bye and walked off. But no. My big mouth had to blurt out again.

Me: Why do you say that?
Him: Her character changed yaar suddenly. She was a very cheap female.
Me: Hmmm (to him). [What the F***? You had a relationship with her for close to 6 years! (to myself)]
Him: Girls from the north are like that only ya, they sleep around with every guy they meet.
Me: (Even though it was none of my business) Oh come on, lets not generalise things. And she was your girlfriend for God's sake.
Him: Please... Don't ever associate her with me.
Me: Okay fine. Sorr......
Him: Damn her, slept with me; So she would sleep with anyone else.

And like pretending to do a favour on me: How's your life?

Me: :| , Pretty good thanks. I need to leave now, take care.
Him: You too, have fun!

Me: (To myself) Fun??!?... Oh whatever, Run Soumya run!

And me being me, this scene played in my head like every minute for the next few days. Its kinda disturbing how someone can talk about someone they love(d) in such a demeaning way. I don't want to judge him because I don't know what exactly went wrong with their relationship and honestly I don't care either. I'm not a feminist per se, but you cannot talk about any woman like that. If you loved her at once, the least you can do is respect her private moments that she shared with you and not talk about it to some random (almost) stranger.

Pre-marital sex is a common issue these days. And I see no harm in it. As long as the people involved in it are aware of the repercussions and are using necessary safety measures and it is behind closed doors. Sex is a natural phenomenon and is not something to boast about. Someday, sooner or later every one of us is gonna get there. Its between two people, married or not, and is better left private. In this case, the girl had a physical relationship with her boyfriend. Until then she was fine and the soon to be wife. He left her and she moved on. Now suddenly she becomes the whore?

The damned Indian culture still considers the entire act of sex as taboo. If they still think that sex is only for producing an off spring, then you gotta be kidding me! That's the reason why pre-marital sex is considered un-ethical. Next comes the discrimination. Even if two people are involved in it, it always sums down to the girl being of "bad character". If she sleeps with a man before marriage she's the whore, and if its the same after marriage she's the wife? Personally, I don't blame either of them. Just leave it at that. But no, its a pity that no matter what happens, the guy always can get away with it and the woman is looked down upon. I've seen cases where the guy has had his share of fun in the city with multiple women but needs a virgin wife from the village hand picked by his momma dearest. Talk about being shallow!

Sex is not just for procreation but much more than that. It is an attachment between two people and should remain just between them. Having slept around with millions is not gonna make a guy or a girl more "happening" rather than if they were a virgin. So many people, especially males are essentially disturbed if they are a virgin. Of late most women too. Their need is just to let other people know about their conquests and nothing more. Max to max a self satisfaction maybe.

Guys, If a girl who loves you is willing to "do it" with you, its only means that she loves you and cares. Not because she is a whore. If she is one, then there is a male equivalent for that too!

Impending Doom


After long I sit down to pen an emotional heart wrenching love poem. Had decided against it, but I just felt like it today; and I'm pretty happy with what came out. I just had to put myself in that frame of mind and voila, words began to flow! But the only problem is that I didn't feel half as bad before writing it than how I felt after reading it. As my best friend says, I seriously don't know why I do this to myself.

I guess I had forgotten the past,
Anyway I knew that it wouldn't last;
But then came true my biggest fear,
I fell more in love with him the past year.

Its my fault I lost my mind,
Sanity I now can't seem to find;
Even brain and heart no longer bind,
How could I have been so blind?

Its bad that I had to go through it once,
Again, how am I gonna get past it?
How am I gonna extinguish?
This painful fire that I've re-lit.

Madness follows its own course,
I've been pushed by some damned force;
How do I pull myself up?
Hadn't I already given up?

Bad things had taken over the good,
But again good overlapped the bad;
But now that everything went sour,
I can't seem to live with this scar.

I knew what my intention was,
But then realisation dawned out of the bloom;
I wanted to get out of love,
Instead I can sense impending doom.

I understood it would never work out,
Every chance seemed so slim;
Even as miles stood between us,
How could I fall more in love with him?

What happens to Leos


Well, this is what happens;

Leo's have been brainwashed into believing that they are about expanse, power and that they are natural born leaders, and they will let you know it as they have a tendency to be high-minded and vocal about their opinions. Most inmates of mental asylums are Leos, where they can be seen being high minded and vocal in their padded cells.

A bit harsh maybe, but I can totally imagine myself in an asylum. Reason, Leos are quirky, crazy and extremists. Not the best qualities for sanity.

The sooner we realise that we are not the next best thing to God, the better. We have our own pro's yes, but then so do the other eleven. Enough said.

Mid-Monsoon Vision


Lets watch the sun shine,
Come closer and be mine;
Kiss me as the rays strike,
Hold me and curdle my psych;
Let me feel your heart beat,
That sure is a nice treat;
As I taste your warm breath,
I sure can defeat death;
The rain slightly sprays on us,
We enjoy it without any fuss;
The wetness brings us close,
It smells sweet like a rose;
The whole world comes to a still,
Love overpours causing a spill;
Feelings come right to the brim,
You hold me until the lights dim;
As we watch the sun set,
We think of the day we first met;
It feels like eternity since then,
Its been the perfect why and when;
It soon approaches dusk,
We hide in each others' husk;
You sing your melodious tune,
To the rest of the world then I'm immune;
Finally the night falls,
Our heart beat penetrates the walls;
Then we lie together awake,
Waiting for the next day to break.

Gray

The good guy is no more the white guy, the bad guy is no more the black guy.

Realisation: All people come in shades of gray.

Wit for Love


Okay, So I love you. What business is it of yours anyway ;-)

Read it today morning and it thrilled me! So much for cheap thrills :P

Man vs Food


An additional talent has always been a turn on when it comes to men, for me. Looks are a priority yes, but it features close to the last on my priority list. Personality, top one! I don't care much about the face as long as he has the right things at the right place and nothing extra. A moustache is unpardonable, but a day old beard gains an extra point. Height and apt weight is the biggest ever turn on. I don't like beefed up guys, nor the flimsy ones. Sleek is the word I presume. Take Ranbir Kapoor for example.

Reading comes a close second. Men who read have some extra zing to them. I'm not talking geeks here, who sit with a book and glasses under every pretext. If you have the personality and you can read, then voila! A friend of mine sent me this link and it was the perfect time killer while my code took its course of two hours to run.

Singing, playing an instrument or a sport is of course a turn on, but of late men who can cook has taken over the third spot. I'd be lying if I said that it has nothing to do with Adithya Bal. He put the bell in my mind and it has been ringing ever since. There is something about the men who can cook. I think the turn on is because women think that they are well taken care of (read well fed), in the company of such men. Or probably just the fact that they will not be the only one spending time in the kitchen post marriage can be attractive. If you have the personality, can read and are a foodie, consider half the work done!

Adithya Bal with his sleek frame travelling all over the country in a Harley Davidson in search of good food is quite a sight. Being a foodie, I like the company of guys who have at least some knowledge of food. Very few guys whom I know personally are of this kind. Most of them are of those kind who has the same satisfaction when they eat a Masala Dosa or a Lasagna. Or there are a few who say "anything" when they are handed the menu. Puts me off big time. I feel that people who don't have a zest for food are the ones who don't have a zest for life. Again, this is only my opinion.

Gordon Ramsay, the demon chef of 'Hell's Kitchen' is probably the meanest person to be in the kitchen, but I completely adore him for his knowledge of food. George Columbaris of 'Masterchef Australia' is probably the cutest chef ever. I love his enthusiasm. Jamie Oliver from 'Oliver's Twist' is extremely experimenting with food but they always work. Tom Colicchio of 'Top Chef' is the perfect clumsy judge. And how can I not mention Curtis Stone of 'Take home chef'. With looks like that, its hard for the viewer to concentrate on food, but he does a wonderful job at it. I remember his saffron ice cream with strawberry coulis which remained an addiction for a really long time. Obviously I only found the Indian variant if it, 'Kesar ice cream with strawberry syrup', but it sure did please my taste buds.

In this chauvinistic country of ours, cooking has always been a known profession for women. It is a must for women to have this default talent. Very few men take to cooking but now I'm glad the norm is changing. After Bal, we have Rocky and Mayur of 'Highway on my plate'. Although they don't cook, their hunger for different kinds of food is appealing. Sanjeev Kapoor, the first well known male chef of India is a domestic God. His wife is sure one hell of a lucky lady. Kunal Vijaykar of 'The Foodie' is the perfect example of a foodie. He eats well and it shows. Nikhil Chib, Vicky Ratnani are those gourmet specialists who try to simplify food. Well I just hope that this trend catches on very well in India.

Reflecting Reality


Why must we believe that one person pretends and another does not? We all pretend that our realities are just that... Reality.

Bang on!


With a nervous breakdown approaching, I could do with any form of distraction. And today the distraction came in the form of my sister and her friends who took me to watch the Salman Khan flick 'Dabangg'. I wanted to watch that movie since I saw the first promo. And I'm so glad I did. The movie in one word is 'Superb'.

Right from the first scene to the last, Salman a.k.a Chulbul a.k.a Robinhood Pandey, steals the show. I kinda have an extremely soft corner for men who can pull of crisp formals. Until now it was only Farhan Akthar, Ranbir Kapoor and a person in real life who had made it to the list. But now we have a Dabangg entry in the form of apna Sallu Bhai who looks sexy, sleek and mature. Be it his common man formals or his Khakhi policeman uniform. I normally don't like men who have a moustache, but I'm willing to make an exception for Mr.Pandey here. Oh yeah, I did make an exception earlier too for Surya in 'Kaakha Kaakha'. I guess the moustache is something associated with a cop. No matter what, it sure does work.

Dabangg has a faulty story line with the expected cliches. A detestable step father, a useless step brother and an ailing mother. But what works in the movie is our Chulbul Pandey. This role is tailor made for Salman and probably one of his best till date. However, Prem of 'Hum Saath Saath Hai' remains my favourite character of his till date! He is awesome as the corrupt albeit warm hearted cop in love with the local beauty.

Speaking of the local beauty, if I was a guy I would have gladly spent my entire life looking at Sonakshi Sinha. She is the typical Indian beauty and she is drop dead gorgeous. The only woman I envy because of her looks. She's sexy, sultry, homely (the quality that most men die for) and a bundle of talent. Her eyes had me singing, 'Tere mast mast do nain, mere dil ka le gaye chain'. Seriously!

The chemistry that she shares with Salman who is probably twice her age is something you hardly expect from a debutante. She is well embedded in the story and has enough screen space to make guys go weak in the knees. The story is nothing great, but the fight sequences are awesome. The sudden bulging of muscles and ripping of Salman's shirt during the climax was a bit Rajinkantish, but pardonable. The movie is one hell of an entertainer and that's why it works.

There are many other established actors in the movie. Dimple Kapadia doesn't look old enough to play Salman's asthmatic mother, but Vinod Khanna definitely looks bad enough to play Salman's step father who loathes him. Arbaaz plays the part of the loser step brother very well. After all he has considerable real life experience playing that part. Mahesh Manjrekar and Mahi Gill(Paro of Dev.D) are wasted in their miniscule roles. Sonu Sood is impressive but the movie belong to one man, Chulbul Robinhood Pandey.

The music of the movie is good too. A few songs just stay in your mind and in your heart. 'Chori kiya' and 'Tere mast mast do nain' tugged straight at my heart. Obviously 'Munni badnam hui' has become a rage all over the country but Malaika Arora Khan looks a teeny bit vulgar in that song which I felt was totally unnecessary. The title track and 'Humka peeni hai' are catchy and will be on your lips long after you have heard it.

All in all a paisa vasool movie. And yes, Salman is back with a bang with Dabangg!

Hell and Back


Sometimes you breathe love,
Sometimes you breathe fire;
No matter what you do,
You'll be my only desire.

They say I'm crazy,
Maybe what they say is true;
I need to be saved,
No one can do that but you.

Sometimes I lose myself,
Sometimes I lose my soul;
I need to feel complete,
Only you can make me feel whole.

I need you in my life,
I need you till the final act;
I feel that I'm tied to you,
Bound by vows and sealed by a pact.

Some days it feels uneasy to live,
Some days its hurts to pretend;
Some days its all about the pain,
And those are the days that never end.

Days get more longer,
And the night passes with tears;
At times it feels better to give up,
Rather than to live with these fears.

I would do anything for you,
I'd run right into hell and back;
I would do anything for your love,
I love you and that's a fact.

Disconnected

Few of the many words going through my mind this very second.

  • Blank
  • Empty
  • Hollow
  • Crazy
  • Insane
  • Happy
  • In love
  • Away from light
  • Solitude
  • Madness
  • Passionless
  • Eternal darkness
  • Bored
  • Hungry for love
  • Longing to be touched
  • Scared heart beats
  • Empty hearts
  • Screaming voices
  • Blind sights
  • Bright blinding colors
  • Water gushing
  • Tear drops
  • Wet sand
  • Friendship
  • Connections
  • Sentiments
  • Respect
  • Duties
  • Make do
  • Satisfaction
  • Bad luck
  • Hope
  • Music
  • Charm
  • Inner peace
  • Desires
  • Void
  • Impending doom
I feel so disconnected at times. From the world, and from myself.

Jinx

Seriously, life never remains the same always. Things change so frantically that a million things have past before you digest the first one. Thankfully things have been quite pleasant for me of late, but as usual something has to be present at the back of your mind which has to jolt you from your happiness at the worst possible time. Sigh! Strange are the ways of life.

Do you all believe in jinx? Well I do. I mean I've begun to. Just when I'm trying to think in a straight(possibly) path, something goes wrong and the focus shifts to other petty things and moves far away from the actual path. Once, twice I can ignore. But when it happens more than twice, you are kinda forced to think that, that path is never meant for you.

Life pushes you towards the path day by day, spinning perfect webs around you. You are so caught up in it that all you see is the distant rainbows and the bright orchids. Some invisible cords pull you towards it and you get lost hoping for a better tomorrow. You fail to notice the wilting roses on the other end, or the drying streams. You just get carried away by the enchanted music and are urged to move forward. But then suddenly something violent strikes you and the cords shatter. The music now turns into screams and the perfectly spun webs now sting you perfectly and you get thrown into the bed of wilted roses whose thorns fail to wilt. The pain pierces through you and you are forced to fill the drying stream of terror. That violent thing is what I call jinx, or in layman's terms, sheer bad luck.

When things really haven't gone the way you want it to, you kind of tend to lose the optimism somewhere. You are always thinking of things that could go wrong, the jinxes that could get in the way or the very dreading thought that what could happen to you if things fall apart. No matter what, at the end of the day each one thinks of thyself. I know I'm sounding oh so prejudiced here, but when what's at stake is so important, there is hardly any room for any kind of error.

They say that, if you are not moving forward you are not going anywhere. I firmly believe that, its better to stay where you are rather than take a step backward. At times life seems like the most unpleasant episode, like a predicament from which you are trying to escape. But again its something you cant run away from. You just have to live, every second. Soaking in everything that comes your way. You need to be saturated enough from the crap that comes your way, to wake up and revolt. I guess I still have a little more room inside me.

Thousand to One

I'm willing to give up a thousand smiles, to see one on his face; but I'm not willing to die a thousand deaths in the fear of one.

Just Friends?

This is my take on the age old debate, "Can a guy and a girl be just friends"?

Note : This post is purely based on my opinions and my experiences and is absolutely not generalised.

So can a girl and a guy be just friends?

Yes. Only if,

  • Both of them are in successful relationships with other people. (And obviously your partner needs to be ok with the fact that you're best friend belongs to the opposite sex; and this is highly unlikely)
  • If the girl is in a relationship with another guy and the best friend and the boy friend get along well, or the other way round.
  • Either of them is a homo-sexual. No kidding, my sister has a gay best friend, or like Mahi of Mahi way.

These are probably the only ways a girl and a guy can be just friends.

By friends here I mean, close friends and not mere acquaintances. Friends who know each other extremely well. Know each others likes and dislikes, fun and fears, interests and can talk anything under the sun. Not the people whom you are in basic talking terms. By close I mean close.

I did have a few close guy friends until some ago. But now its close to none. It feels so weird at times. These are the people who meant a lot to you at some point of time, but now the way you look at them and the way they look at you is so different. I'm always thinking inside, "What happened to us, we were best friends for God's sake?" and he tells me on the outside, "Why can't you understand my feelings?" Its happened umpteen times, as I helplessly watch my best friends drift away and turn into strangers. Even if they stay, the weird awkwardness will make you want to wish that they had left.

I guess its easy to fall in love with someone whom you are close to. I too fell helplessly in love with my best friend 5 years ago. But thankfully for me, the feelings were mutual and we had amazing times together. It works in great ways if the feelings are mutual. Comeon, nothing like marrying your best friend. But if either of them is not in that place, then that's called asking for trouble. If the other person doesn't feel the same way, then you should respect that fact and act like nothing has ever happened. What angers me is that some people (especially guys) are willing to ruin a friendship anticipating a relationship. The choice they give is "Everything or Nothing". When you try to reason, its always the "Cannot look at you just as a friend" crap.

I mean yes, I do respect their feelings, but they need to respect mine too right. Friends are a really important part of one's life and even if one goes missing there is a void which is impossible to fill. I say impossible because, each person is different. Each person was important to me in some way or the other. Like if one was the ever listening one, there was the other who gave me awesome advices that worked all the time. Or the one who criticised almost every piece of my work, but secretly loved it, to the one who always said "You're the best friend I could ask for". So each person leaves with an empty crest and I can't do anything but cope up with it.

So its pretty much established I guess. A guy and a girl can perhaps be friends, but can never ever be close or best friends. Somewhere, sometimes the feelings automatically change from either side and things can get awkward. But if both the best friends manage to cultivate and nurture the same feelings then nothing like it. I would love it, if I could fall in love with a best friend and get married to him (Provided he feels the same).

No wonder, God had to create two sexes :-)

Woody Arjun


"He is so wondrously wooden that he could give the finest mahogany a solid complex"

~ NDTV Film Critic, On Arjun Rampal's character in We are Family.

Its a pity, I was so damn looking forward to watch him on big screen after Raajneeti. Not too sure if I want to watch it now, but if I do I'll surely come out with my opinion on him.

P.S: I don't think it matters if he can act or not, as long as he manages to look this good!

Paranoia


First of all, I have a big reason to worry. I'm writing a lot about psychotic disorders and it kinda scares me. First sadism and now, paranoia.

Some say that it is better to be dead than paranoid and some others agree to the other way round. I guess its something that inevitably comes with care and concern or the love for oneself and others. I'm not talking about being paranoid about dying out here. Obviously everyone is scared of death and that's almost certainly the only thing everyone wants to adjourn. That's a natural tendency. How do I describe this weird kind of fear? Okay let me give an example then.

Yesterday, the person whom I care about the most went M.I.A. When I sent a text, there was no reply. I tried calling, it said unreachable. Freaked the hell out of me. You see, this person travels by a bike and is known to stay out until late nights so then, unconsciously a pessimistic thought is sown into your head. I wouldn't say that this is beyond any logic, because, for me this makes sense. When you actually love someone beyond imagination, the only fear that you can possess is the thought of losing him/her. At least for me it is.

Or the very thought of losing my best friend for some totally irrational(for me) reason sends me to peaks of paranoia. Its like you are so used to someone being there for you all the time that the very thought of not having that person anymore is anything but pleasing. Its like living without a backbone and a right hand. Sucks!

The above examples qualify on the similar ground of being paranoid about losing loved ones. Wait, that's just the beginning. There are a hell lot of things I'm paranoid about. Like,

-- Losing my hair.
-- Living on a water diet forever.
-- Not being around Mom.
-- Losing the ability to write.
-- Not finding words that rhyme when I attempt to write another(yet another) piece of poetry.
-- Losing the ability to communicate with people.
-- Chocolates and alcohol going extinct.
-- Taylor Lautner or Ranbir Kapoor dying.
-- Being stranded away from my family.
-- Tears in the eyes of the one I love.
-- Drowning.
-- Putting on weight after marriage.
-- Unpleasant blasts from the past.
-- Being tongue tied.
-- Not finding time to do my yoga.
-- Losing my shoe or book collection.
-- Enrique's retirement.
-- Never being able to smile again.
-- Falling terribly ill and losing the strength to get out of bed.
-- Being alone.

Everyone lives with some kind of fear right. If I have so many, others at least ought to have one right??

No, that's not a consolation obviously but it feels nice to know that I'm not the only one with this psychotic condition.

Wisdom


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

That's all I ask.

Addiction


This is an excerpt from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It struck me most because the below stanza's depict my life to a certain extent.

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted - an emotional speed ball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore - despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free).

Next stage finds you skinny and shaky in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognisable even to your own eyes.

So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self."

I totally agree. The only argument I have here is that this applies to all relationships and not only infatuation based ones. Ask me, I have been there done that. I'm not too sure if I was under the influence of a drug or not. Honestly at times it did feel like I was. Well if I was, I guess I am halfway through my rehab.

The way YOU make me FEEL


You're not an actor,
Nor are you a star;
You don't own a mansion,
Or drive a fancy car;
But my love is not a material,
Or something that I want to trade;
I love you for what you are,
And not for a score or grade.

You're not the one who can charm,
Or the one for flattery and praise;
You're not the one for constant sweet talk,
Or the one to use a cheeky phrase;
Love maybe blind,
But it surely has sense,
What I feel for you,
Is something deeply intense.

You may not be drop dead gorgeous,
Or the one with a sculpted bod;
You may not ooze magnetism,
Or epitomise the Greek God;
But when you smile,
You light up my life;
And when you sing to me,
Its worth all the strife.

You're presence around me,
Takes me to higher highs;
Nothing else matters then,
With you, I feel like I'm in the skies;
No matter where you are,
Somewhere close or far apart;
You are the only one,
Who has voyaged to the centre of my heart.

You may not be perfect,
But you are somewhere close;
You're like an intoxicating drug,
Of which I have an over dose;
My love for you is precious,
Its something I want to forever seal;
I am in love with you,
For the way you make me feel.