Ramblings of the heart


Too many things going on in my head, I just want to get it out of my system. Else its gonna create a criss-cross in my almost non-existent brain and will not let me sleep today. And I have a really long day tomorrow, so let me as well as get past it.

-- I like the taste of neat vodka. Earlier I only liked the high it gave and the taste was tolerable with Sprite, but now I do like its own taste.

-- 'Sheela ki jawaani', this song has been on my lips the entire day. Katrina looks oh so hot in it and the lyrics are incredibly catchy. Either that or I have had an overdose of this song at the pajama party with my girls last night.

-- Weddings are expensive. And they need not be yours. My cousin brother is getting married in a coupla days and I'm bankrupt. After about half a century of shops and weeks of shopping, I got my perfect saree and jewellery. Phew, weddings are tiresome too.

-- I have actually begun to like the colors, yellow and purple. Yes, there is a special reason behind that.

-- You can remain friends with the guys who have asked you out earlier and you've declined. Maybe not best of friends, but still you can have a good time as long its status quo.

-- You either are in love or not. There is no phase in between.

-- I actually like Barney Stinson more than Ted Mosby of 'How I met your mother'.

-- Chitrangadha Singh and Sonakshi Sinha both are gorgeous looking woman. I'm completely in awe of them.

-- I've found more than 20 blogs which are written by women for their men. Some happy, some sad. Its weirdly comforting to know that I'm not the only one, but its more disturbing to know that there are so many women in pain out there. In matters of love, woman always prove that they are the weaker sex.

-- I no more have qualms in accepting that I'm wrong or that I have failed. I've drastically gone wrong in judging people. People whom I thought were jerks do have a soft side to them and the people who I thought I can rely on, stab you in the back at the worst of times. I have failed only once in my life. In the most important relationship of my life. Failed, until now. And I'm not the one to give up so fast. I want to leave the world with a clean slate.

-- Justin Timberlake is hot. Really really hot. Move over Taylor Lautner. No wait, stay. He is hot too.

-- I absolutely don't feel jealous or insecure anymore or of anyone. As long as I know that he still loves me and only me, I have no reasons to be insecure. I can live with that.

-- I cannot live without love.

-- Just as I was enjoying solitude, I no more have time for it.

-- I've realised that people will do anything, absolutely anything to rise above. Even if it means trampling everyone around.

-- I miss my best friend. I don't know what happened to her. I'm just giving her time to settle and understand things.

-- I need to buy a new phone asap. But with innumerable weddings around, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

-- Abhishek Bachchan reminds me of the one who owns and rules my heart.

-- I'm not as strong as I think I am.

-- I'm not as weak as I think I am.

-- I can smile no matter how I'm feeling inside.

-- I shed a tear every time I hear him sing.

-- Facebook is getting stagnant. It needs to come up with something new soon.

-- No one can embarrass you the way your family can.

-- I can talk until my jaws hurt. But still, I wont stop.

-- Give me one word, and I'll make a poem out of it.

-- It feels nice to let go and get distracted once in a while. But it should not turn into a habit. Point noted, I need to cut down on my alcohol consumption.

-- I haven't read a book in more than 2 months and I hate myself for that. Grisham, here I come.

-- Years may pass, the world can end, there can be life on other planets, yet I still will love him. I don't see why I shouldn't, when I have no reason not to.

No Strings Attached


I close my eyes, I see you
I open them, I want to see you
I'm madly in love with you
No strings attached

I like the way you look
The sense of your touch
I love your smell
No strings attached

I crave for your voice
The warmth of your hand
Your lip on mine
No strings attached

When you sing
The world stops for me
I want to freeze with you
No strings attached

I can spend all my life
Looking at your face
I can lose myself for you
No strings attached

Love to me means you
And so does happiness
I'm crazy about you
No strings attached

The reason for my living
Is the smile on your face
Your the color in my life
No strings attached

You seem perfect
Just the way you are
I can do anything for you
No strings attached

I want to feel you
I want to go mad
I want to love you
No strings attached

I need nothing from you
You don't have to love me back
That's exactly what I mean by
No strings attached

Metamorphosis


I maybe troubled and messed today
But I know I'll be okay tomorrow
I can feel the happiness within
Deep down till my marrow

I know that things didn't work out
But I'm proud that I tried
I want to erase the short comings
And forget the days that I cried

I believe I'm a survivor
I've got past the worst of pain
In my parched barren life
I now see droplets of rain

There is joy, meaning and color
There even seems to be new flavors
The thorns which once pierced me
Is now giving birth to flowers

I can see the onset of something new
Its giving me solid reasons to live
Love sure is only the beginning
From there I have more to achieve

The period next to the misery is gone
It is now replaced by a comma
I'm gonna alter the script of my life
And its never gonna be a tragic drama

The black and white phase is changing
Now there is more purple, blue and yellow
Chocolates, coffee, tequila and vodka
Intoxicating, making me feel merrily mellow

I had to change my point of view
To see differently along the sky line
No matter what happens from now on
I know that I'll be just fine

My Better Halves


The Rhapsodic Blabbermouth
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She's called Sia. Often recognised by constant hyper jabbering. She loves to talk and at times it feels like that's her only purpose in life. Blah blah blah. But when there are people who listen she doesn't understand why she is termed as talkative. She's feminine when compared to Shona and Soumya, but there still is a certain warmth about her. She thinks right and knows how to live life. She falls every time Shona takes over, but she is capable of picking herself up and walking back in line. She's practical and patient with a zest for life. Independent and with a fierce appetite for reading. Shopping, fashion and gossip tops her list. She's sweet and equally listens when someone else is talking. The only problem with her is that once she starts talking, its tough to get her to stop. This has got her into trouble way too many times. She might not even care where the other person is. It doesn't matter if they are at a work place, shopping, eating or any public place. She only wants someone to hear her out. She knows that's not a good thing, and has decided to work on it, i.e cut down on her talking. Here's wishing her good luck for that.

The Lovelorn Butterfly
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Introducing Shona. The hopeless, shameless romantic whose life revolves around one word 'Love' and one man. They say that for a person to be happy, their heart and mind should be in sync and should understand each other. But for Shona, her heart and mind were dead enemies. They fail to get along with each other. Always. Every single time. Shona can be the synonym for 'Alice' of 'Alice in Wonderland'. She has her own palace planned in her mind along with her perfectly loving Prince Charming. Foolish to a certain extent, she believes that as long as there is love, nothing else is required. Absolutely nothing. Forgets the rest of her circle and everything around her is linked to her love. Every song, every voice, every color, every scent, everything. She's paranoid about all things around her. Every step of hers is calculated so as to not worry or hurt the one she loves. A constant dreamer who always dreams of a perfect ending. Complete with the kiss and happily ever after. She's adamant and not the one to change. She dominates both Soumya and Sia, and is known to take them down every single time.

The Baffled Domestic Lioness
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This would be Soumya, or better known as me. Sia had to fight her tongue, Shona had to fight her mind and heart; but I have to battle both Sia and Shona. They tear me apart, but I love them both. My body is a nice place for them to live in, and in turn they provide me entertainment for a life time. We can never be good friends but we have reached the place where can put up with each other. I adore the loyalty and sincere madness of Shona and I like the confidence and philosophy of Sia. I'm trying hard to accommodate them at the right places. Sia is subtle and easy to handle, but Shona is moronic and prefers to stay zombie like, chanting love hymns. The headstrong me has problems with it, but there is little I can do when it comes to her. So I'm living, trying to strike a perfect balance between all three of us.

P.S: I'm not schizophrenic.
P.S 2: MPD is present in everyone. Very few know it.

If only you'd let me love you


You shall wake up with a sweet kiss
Just the way I put you to sleep
Days may pass and so may years
But my love shall remain this deep

I shall always watch you
With a face naked with love
Cos I'm a firm believer
That our match was made above

Gravity may bring me down
But I'm gonna hold on strong
Cos I know that with you and me
Together, nothing can go wrong

I shall hear you sing
Till the time stands still
My breath needs your voice
Without which I'm just nil

You're perfect to my eyes
You connect with my soul
Irrespective of the zillion differences
Only you make me feel whole

Even after all these years
My heart still skips a beat for you
Just hold me tight when you're around
Then you'll know its true

Do you know that I only want you
I want your old self and nothing new
You'll know all of these things
If only you'd let me love you

Purple


All those unspoken words
All those unsure moods
Swinging from love to lust
Your presence now seems a must

No matter where I hide
Your love seems to follow me
Holding me strong, showing me things
Even those that I don't want to see

You just have to smile
And all the starts shine down
If I have you in front of me
Never again shall I frown

Your the wind, who sets me free
But your thoughts imprison me
Wanting me to be what you need
And never once letting me be me

If you thought that I'd give up on you
You're crazy cos I'm really strong
If you think that I don't love you
Then you are simply wrong

Even if its not meant to be
My heart only knows your chime
Maybe not in this birth
But next time I want you to be mine

Its never ever been easy
To stop my heart's call
Its never easy to cry your eyes out
And alone try to wipe them all

When you touch me
It gets me weak in the knee
Its rains in a thirsty desert
When you kiss me

I can't breathe without you
Cos my breath is your disciple
My blood then begins to freeze
And then slowly turns purple

The Right Connection


Being an ardent Facebook user, I had to, had to watch 'The Social Network'. Caught it up on the very first week, this Sunday. One word, exceptional!

This movie is great to watch and more importantly it is a pleasure to listen. It is simple and clearly illustrates that mere writing can take on the most expensive of special effects. After all no amount of sfx can match up to human emotions and the daily life drama. With over 500 million users Facebook can easily be the third largest country in the world, after China and of course our very own India. Based on the book, 'The Accidental Billionaires', this movie goes deep to trace the origin of this mammoth network.

Mark Zuckerberg, played by Jesse Eisenberg is this nerdy computer genius, who can speak a million to a dozen even though he has no clue as to how to behave in any kind of social situation. His wit and 'in your face' attitude is a treat to watch. To be rude and to be right is something really tough which the young Mark pulls off with real ease. After being dumped by his girlfriend, an idea cracks his mind on setting up a site which compares the 'hotness quotient' of two girls within the Harvard University. The site is an instant hit and soon he is approached by the Winklevoss twins, both played by Armie Hammer, to help them create a site called 'The Harvard Connection'.

An idea is born and with the financial help of his best friend Eduardo Saverin, played by Andrew Garfield he starts on with the 'The Facebook'. Soon he is accused by the twins of stealing their idea and so begins a legal battle. The court room scenes are spectacular and the dialogue writer needs to be applauded. Special mention to the "I don't think you deserve my attention......" dialogue. How much of this movie is true, we never know. The original Mark Zuckerberg has gone on record and declared this movie to be fiction, but I'm sure the viewers want to believe otherwise.

The casting is perfect and the never heard of Jesse Eisenberg shines in every frame. The Winklevoss twins, both played by Armie Hammer is a delight to watch. His chiseled features and crisp language perfectly depicts the rich, strong and powerful brats they are supposed to be. Truly a treat to the eyes they are. Andrew Garfield is amazing as the poor CFO who is caught between his best friend and his best friend's new friend Sean Parker, played by Justin Timberlake who seems to have a weird hold on the mind of young Mark and even convinces Mark to remove the 'The' from the name of the site, leaving it to be the thing we all now know as 'Facebook'. This dude just lights up the screen with his presence. He's charming, stunning and has his way with words. What more do you want to ask for?

The story is about how a local 20 year old turns into the youngest billionaire accompanied by several lawsuits including the one filed by his best friend and the CFO of his company. Its simple, brisk and very well told. The movie is the perfect portrait of human nature caught up in a whirlwind of power, success and politics and the pain people are willing to inflict upon each other to rise up in the success ladder.

The movie isn't really about the site 'Facebook'. You can enjoy the brilliance of David Fincher's art, even if you have no clue about social networking. The movie is nothing technical or rocket science, but it makes all the right connections. Its a simple tale of human emotions and the way they can be manipulated.

Clearly one of the best movies I've seen this year. A double thumbs for 'The Social Network'.

Heart Prints


Others can make me feel good
While you can make it great
Your smile erases everything else
Only you seem to have this trait

I sure do enjoy solitude
But your thought never seems to leave
How can you stay in my mind 24x7
At times its hard to believe

Others can cheer me up
But nothing when compared to you
You take me to extremes of happiness
This fact I always knew

A warm hug always consoles me
But your touch satiates me whole
Others can only talk to me
But your words reach my soul

There sure are priorities
But you make it to the top of the list
I do mix with others
But I'm enveloped in your mist

People come, people go
But you have held on strong
Others leave behind foot prints
But you only leave fresh heart prints

Us?


I thought the question was that 'Is there anything left between us?'

The answer came in the form of a question, 'Is there an us?'










We may fight, we may hurt
We may cry and make a fuss
But when it comes to you and me
Lets face it, there is always an us

Did he know?


Did he know I thought about him when I woke up each morning, as I drifted to sleep each night, and most of the time in between; and that even when I was not consciously thinking about him, I continually sensed the presence of his love within me?

Did he know that the best pleasure that I used to get was to steal glances at his face; and that I said little prayers over him asking for sweet serenity to always grace his countenance?

Did he know he went to places in my heart and mind where no one had ever gone before; and that I exposed the totality of my self - the good, the bad, and the ugly - because I had such complete and utter trust in his love for me?

Did he know I admired the way he cared for his family, friends, and anyone in need, and accepted everyone without judgement or criticism?

Did he know he was the best friend I ever had, and the bond between us had a depth and breadth that could not be severed by anything?

Did he know I thanked God daily for intersecting the winding roads of our lives so that my life might be forever changed by the touch of his spirit; and that I believed God sent him to love me, lift me, and lead me to a better place emotionally and spiritually?

Did he know I loved him profoundly and unconditionally, not just for his loveliness, personality, smartness or intelligence (all of which I adored), but more for the grace and goodness that defined his essence to me; and that I marveled at how I was drawn to his gentle warmth, like flowers to the morning sun?

And I wonder if he knows that I love him still, not less for the passing of yesterdays without him, but more for knowing what will be missing from all my tomorrows; and that it helps me, when I contemplate the harshness of life in this unyielding world, to remember that out there somewhere is a rare and precious soul - and he loved me.

Love Actually


I like the way you think
It always seems to engage me
You are larger than life size
That's what my eyes see

Its written in the wind
Its everywhere I go
The chant of my heart
The world seems to know

You are committed to my memory
Like the music that helps me move
Sometimes you help me shed a tear
And sometimes you get me to groove

In the story of my life
You play the lead role
Your smile tingles my heart
Your sincerity kisses my soul

The bitter sweet emotions
Never seem to leave me
Images unfolding every time
The time when you and I were we

If God had made you first
There would be no need for sunshine
Its always an amusing scary thought
Your future links intricately with mine

I write and say a lot
But everything I say is true
Nothing can surpass the feeling
Of being loved by you

For the Reader

One my techno geek friends has started a website for all the technical things under the sun. He is an immaculate techno genius. He wanted a book review sub-domain for his site and so guess whom he approached :D. I was interested yes, but was petrified that I had to review some informational or programming books. The last I read or even saw one of those books were about three years ago! But it turns out that he wanted a reviewer for the "normal" books. Like fiction, romance and the other crap I read. And so we came up with The Ledge.

For those who like reading and want an idea of how the book is, please visit 'The Ledge'. And yes, you can even post your own review once you sign up! So please do pitch in your comments and I assure you 'The Ledge' is a cool place to hang out if you have a passion for books.

Action Replay


I don't why, but I had this sudden urge to come back to this template. I know a lot of people have loved and appreciated the coffee template, I loved it loads too. But, since the last coupla days the template seems to have lost its charm. It suddenly started looking dull and dry to me. I'm not a big fan of orange, infact I almost hate it, but it looks good with my words. Not the Diwali feel, but I like the sparking look. It kind of compensates for my sad, boring and dull posts at times. It also highlights my best pieces sometimes. And so we're back. The coffee one was something very close to me, but it didn't seem to work right for me. Much like most of the people in my life. Pun intended. In my defense, I did NOT get bored of it like I do with most other materialistic things. It suddenly got all pale and dowdy in my eyes. Probably its got to do with how bright and awesome the past days of my life have been. I know I'm sounding a lot like Barney Stinson with all the awesomeness here, but I think I can risk it once here.

Retrospect:

Earlier this year I wrote this. I've asked have you ever felt like so and so there. But now I can safely answer that. Now, its a no for me. I don't feel like doing any of those things anymore. I don't want to cry, I don't want to scream, I don't want to pray, I don't want anything anymore. I'm very happy with the way things are now. Nothings changed. Its still the old miserable confused life, but I'm beginning to love it. Actually, finally I'm beginning to accept it. I do know its a bit late but now I'm aware of it. I'm aware of the rights and wrongs, positives and negatives, success and failures, tears and happiness. Did I just say happiness? Yes I did. Yes I'm happy. Not only content, happy.

Sometime last year, just after my birthday I wrote this. Nothing much has changed since then. Actually the situations have been pretty much the same, but now again I have the answer to my own question. Then I asked God, why me? Now I know, why me. You know the problem that most Leo's have, is that we like to believe that we are superior to everyone out there. No matter what, we just like to win. By hook or by crook. This is what I believed until about a year or a year and a half ago. Its a pity that life doesn't work that way. I had to stumble, at every step, to be the person I am today. Not the best, but definitely a better one. Again, nothings changed. I still am a Lioness, but a tamed one. I have learnt to control my snarls and growls. I finally have begun to see life for what it is and what I make of it and not what it makes of me. If this challenging phase had never happened I would never have realised the value of living with family, the need of being independent, the importance of my parent's restrictions, the need for a possessive sister, and how much I actually loved a certain someone.

They say that the best of gold has to go through a lot of pain to look good at the end. I know its not the best metaphor to use here, but kind of makes sense. They say that you take things for granted when they are always around you. After all its human nature. But its important to realise the importance of things at the right time. Changes don't happen overnight, you need to understand and accept the need for the change. Life teaches you lessons, oh yeah it does. Never believed in it until it happened to me. Looking back at the past years I only counted the bad things that happened in my life, never once trying to see the good things that were coming out of it. I never thought that I could be this patient, I never thought I could do things for myself, I never thought that I could love so madly, I never thought that I could be reasoned with, I never thought that I would understand another being, I never thought that I could get down from the Lioness pedestal and look around.

But, I did. I see things now and I know how it is. Life is tough yes, but I've made it so far and I will reach the end of what life has in store for me. One day at a time, one step at a time. Seriously, how do you expect to make it to the top of the mountain, if you whine and scowl when you trip on a pebble?

P.S : For those who thought this was a review of the Aishwarya Rai Bachchan - Akshay Kumar movie, it so is not! It can pass of as a drama though, but I'd surely give it a miss if it was offered to me.

Stand by Me


When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
I won't be afraid, No, I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble into the sea
I won't cry, No I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand by me.

Music & Lyrics


Not a moment passes
Without you coming to my mind
Even when I slam my eyes shut
Only you I can find

My every breath smells of you
Every beat echoes your touch
The world seems to be filled with reasons
As to why I love you so much

Your voice gives me the strength to live
Without that I'd be long gone
At times I just want to go off
But your memories switch me back on

My thoughts about you have always been clear
Pristine, transparent and pure like dew
I need your love for survival
I choke on life without you

Its been more than half a decade
But our love still stays fresh and new
I now have come to believe
There is no getting over you

Every small thing is linked to you
Your thoughts can never set me free
No matter what ever I do
I see you when I see me

I can no more wear this armor
I'm tired of all the smiling tricks
Please come back to me my love
Cos you're the music to my lyrics

Reason to Union


So almost everyone I know is either getting married, falling in love, announcing good news or popping out babies. And like any other normal girl, I'm kinda feeling left back because I'm no where close to any of those. Its also funny that the girls I grew up with are wives and mommies now. I'm sure they see nothing funny in it. Maybe that's all they want from life. Mission accomplished. Successful or not, we'll see that later.

Why do people get married? Quite an imposing question eh? Let me state a few examples I know here. Most of my girl friends, my age (24, if you must know) are all set to enter holy matrimony and some are already halfway down there. We all know that we are most influenced by our surroundings and people around us. So according to what I have seen, people nowadays get married to have a secure future, some because they think its a good idea, some people are just fascinated by the concept, some for sex, some to prove a point to someone; more often than not past lovers, some because their parents want them to get hitched and some because they have nothing else to do. The most hideous reason of them all.

It all started of when one of my friend tied a very arranged knot earlier this year. When I found out that she was getting engaged I called her to ask about her man or my future BIL. It went like this.

Me: So, how is he?
She: He's tall and he's fair.
Me: And?
She: And what?

I was bummed. That is when I realised that the people with whom you are so close are so different from you. Its like they are forcing you to judge them, even when you don't want to. Two months after analysing his height and fairness quotient she married him. They seem very happy now and I'm very happy for her too. He's completely unaware of the multiple relationships she had prior to her matrimonial stint and she sees no harm in it. If it was me, I'd have died of guilt by now. Anyway, I think it depends on each individual as to what they want the foundation of their relationship to be. If it works for them, then so be it. I wish them both luck and happiness.

Another someone I know decided to get married because she had finished college, didn't have a job and was simply sitting at home. One look at a guy 8 years her senior and soon she was his wife. The latest I heard about her was that she just had a son. Its nice to be ignorant at times I guess. The more you see life, the more expectations and lesser the satisfaction. Another classmate recently got married. When I asked her about her husband she proudly said, "He's a Ph.d". All I could say was "Good for you". Sigh, the reasons for which people get married! One friend told me that she enjoyed making out with her man to be while another is getting married because she was mercilessly dumped recently by her boy friend. She is marrying the first guy her parents suggested to her only to show her previous guy that she can do so well without him. Madness, sheer madness. Or is this how the world works and I'm no where fitting in? This is extremely debatable so lets leave it at it.

Something shocking happened to me recently. This friend of mine has been with this guy for like ever and she was suddenly having second thoughts about marrying him.

She: He's the only guy I've been with in like 9 years. I love him yes, but I have never seen other parts of life.
Me: Other guys you mean.
She: Yeah. I never even gave a chance.

All I wanted to do was to beat her up with the first thing that came to my hand. I would probably kill to be in her place in a long successful relationship with someone I love, but this foolish woman is losing her mind. I seriously didn't know what to say.

I don't know what marriage means to other people, but for me its got everything to do with the person. Its not about painting a picture and finding someone to fit in it, its about finding the one and making the picture fit. Or still better, painting a picture together. Its not about the need, its about the want. Even though they sound the same there is a huge difference between "I need to get married" and "I want to get married". Fascination towards the person is natural and very necessary. But it should be because of the way they make you feel, or the understanding and comfort you share. Not because of the skin tone or a doctorate's degree. Its nothing to do about the financial security that he/she can provide albeit that's very important. Its primarily about the emotional security that the person has to offer. Its not about two people coming together for a common interest, marriage. Its about two people with common interests coming together for wanting to be together. Again, this is only what I think. Everyone else is free to have their own opinions.

In the 24 years of my life I have never felt the need or want of getting married. Probably I've never come across a person who could put that thought into my head. Of course it was always a thought when I was in a relationship. But we were way too young to even think of marriage at that time. But yes, it always was a thought that I'll marry the guy I love. Nobody gets into a relationship not wanting to marry that person. Okay wait, I take that back. Anything is possible these days. They call it flings, I call it emotional and physical desperation. With due respect to people who worship it, I have my own reservations about it. I've been offered marriage, or the golden platter as a few guys like to call it, way too many times. But none formed the reason as to why I wanted the platter. At least until now.

Age, the primary reason why your parents want you to get married. Makes sense in the ideal world dominated by society but this should not be the reason to allow someone in to your life. Whether you are 18 or 25 or 30 or 36, its all about finding the right person and not about making do with whatever comes your way. If I find the guy who can make me want to marry him today, I'll do it asap. If I find him at 30 then I'll do it then. Arranged or love, whatever it be. Additional perks are good yes, read Ph.d, tall, fair, strong body, rich, great kisser etc, but they only remain perks for the rest of the life. Its about love, love and only love. After all, you need the partner that is right for you and the one who you will continue to love you through any situation. Marriage is something for oneself, and not for anyone else. And least of all not to prove a point to anyone.