To Her


Pure fiction. Okay, think whatever you want to!

Have you ever witnessed yourself dying? Like the swarm of darkness and smoke slowly engulfing you. Like a million hands pulling you to a never ending pit while all you are trying is to have a last look behind. Finally when you strain your eyes to see the one you wanted to, you notice that that person is not alone. Worse, that person is not even looking at you. Instead all you see is two hands entwined and two lips interlocked. And then you let go. Falling back is the best thing that can happen to you after that.

So on the last day of the eventful year, I got to witness it. Well at least nothing else left now :). Heights of optimism I know, but I have nothing else to say. But I do have quite a few words for someone.

~To Her~

First of all, I don't hate you. I don't envy you. I only mindlessly admire you. Being a Leo you know, I tend to think that I'm the best. But you proved me wrong and that's the sole reason I admire you. I know there is something in you that I don't have. That I can never have. It was something else before, and now, its him. I want you to know that you are the most luckiest woman in the world, cos now you have something which I can only dream of. Which I can only see, but not touch. But you have it all. You have all that I want. You have the only thing that I have ever wanted. Okay, I guess I envy you too.

You're life is settled girl, cos you have someone precious. He's amazing. I wont say much because it will be hard for you to believe it, quite obviously considering the source. He's near perfect. Okay I can't vouch for that now because he was considered perfect when he was with me. So that is something for you to decide but I'm pretty sure you won't be disappointed. He loves wholeheartedly and now that you have captured his heart, please take care of it. He's a tad bit disorganised, so you'll have to be patient with him. He's the epitome of patience with others so I'm sure you'll have no problems with that. Not a guess, I do envy you.

He loves his food and can be quite stubborn at times. But mostly he's the most accommodating creation of God. He'll listen, even if you continue to speak for hours. He'll help you smile when that's the last thing on your mind. He'll do anything in his reach to keep the one he loves happy. Damn it, I hate you. His face speaks a lot. His eyes, his lips. Train yourself to read it. Keep him very happy, and as far away as possible from agony. The smile on his face should be plastered for life. Else, I'll have to come back to settle scores. Very clichéd I know, but I sure do mean it.

I was crawling with all my might, to reach my star. Not once did it occur to me, that you were the light coming out of it.

~ ~

And then came the pain.

The year that was


2010 is finally leaving on a good note. I'm feeling a bit lazy to write a post summarizing the whole year. So, here are just a few tit bits on the realizations this year.

I am a masochistic lioness.

Rock bottom doesn't come easy. You need to swim your way through crap to get there. Either that, or you can swim backwards to the top.

I choose change. I will be the change.

Falling in love is easy. But when the love disappears, its all about falling.

At times, things are just not meant to be.

Out of sight doesn't mean out of mind.

No matter what the intention is, fate wins anyway.

You don't destroy people you love. Or so they say.

I can love till it hurts and I can hate till the other person hurts.

I've become a tiny bit lazy this year. And vain. And selfish.

I now know that he doesn't love me.

Goodbyes don't hurt. The flashbacks do.

Patience seems to be slipping out as a virtue.

I'm no longer sponge bob. I can't soak in crap anymore.

I absolutely loathe a few people.

Reality is never pleasant.

Friends are the best things in the world. Chocolate and vodka come real close.

I can let go of anything if I want to.

Silence is my loudest cry.

I can never remain silent.

I have absolutely no regrets. What ever happened and whatever will happen, happens for a reason.

I stood alone during this year. It only made me more strong.

Today, my life makes sense.

My Mirror Talking


Mirror eyes, talking to me
Like the stars stooping low
There is a spark at my chest
As I watch my heart glow

I'm the ocean flowing free
Ripping through like a song
Mending my broken wings
I'll soon fly, it wont be long

Someday, the song will end
Somehow I'd trace the way
I'll now look carefully
I'll learn what each hour had to say

No need for a hidden cry
Loud lies can never be true
No matter what you try to hide
The mirror can always see through you

Thunder storms deafen me
The rain is here after the wait
With the pour comes the hope
That tiny drops can change my fate

You were the solid paper
To my dreams of molten ink
Your boat reached the shore
While mine was meant to sink

But she held on and fought the wind
Thus she learnt how to sail
She let out a long cry
It was of joy and not a wail

The mirror screams but never lies
May hide things you don't want to show
Facade after facade, blocking the view
No matter what, the heart does know

The face in the mirror understands
I can't make love out of nothing
The very fact that you still exist
Makes my everyday worth something

P.S: I know I said no more poetry, but this one is a non heart broken one. I always keep my word.

Love makes the Difference


Its all very clear. Every single moment, every single word, every single kiss and every single touch. No matter how many days or years pass, it always feels like yesterday. The long talks, the meaningless fights, the crazy make ups after the serious ones, the surprises, the coffee, the routine and the wait. The never ending wait. Every single thing remains so fresh. For me that is.

No matter how much I love someone, at the end of the day I know it all. I'm easily replaceable. I'm just an old concept, an option maybe. I am just a vague lover, with prominent reminders. I'm just a premature idea, that can never develop. I'm a buried thought, only to be a reminiscence once in a while. I'm the love that once was but can never be now. I know it all.

I also know that the love will remain. Until someone else comes along. That's the hope I was counting on. But do I want it that way?

Tune for the day: I'd love you to want me - LOBO

Doesn't Matter


Merry Christmas everyone. May Santa leave only happiness in your stocking as he did in mine :D

You know, each time I prayed to God, I never asked anything specific. I only asked God to give me the strength to accept everything that comes my way. Of late God seriously seems to be listening. Finally my pleas are out of the spam and have made their way to the high importance list! That's the first victory.

I'm thrilled and can't wait to see what else is in store for me. I sat down to write a poem. Oh yeah, the usual love lorn stuff I write. But for the first time ever, words evaded me. I tried my best to get into the broken hearted mood to get at least a few words out, but I came out with a blank. I did manage to get a few words and all that came out were 'doesn't', 'matter'. When I tried a bit more hard, this is what I got.

I can still love you
Even if you go on hating me
I'd still wish for your happiness
Doesn't matter if you call me an enemy

I'll stand by the burning pool
Holding my shattered life all in black
I'll preen my eyes and wait for you
Doesn't matter if its takes ages for you to look back

I wanted to be the love of your life
But now call me the curse if you may
I know what I feel inside
Doesn't matter what you say

I may be like a little kid
With you I wanted to grow
I'll hold you in my heart forever
Doesn't matter if you let go

I couldn't even complete it. Usually it takes me not more than a few minutes to come out with a full fledged 7 stanza piece, but this is what I got after a coupla hours. I should be happy about it I guess. Absence of words is a shock yes, but absence of agonised words should mean a second victory right? Although I'm gonna miss the flow of words, I'm kinda glad that my blog will now have more prose. A refreshing and vital change be it.

2010 is leaving with a different me, okay not different maybe, but with a stronger me. I've made peace with everything and everyone around. I finally got back both my bestest friends and I now have a much stronger right hand and a well defined back bone. The crowd in my small world has multiplied and so has the love, care, importance and happiness. Priorities have changed and I now know the importance of family, friends and at times strangers too, whom I had taken for granted quite sometime back. It doesn't mean I have given up on love. No matter how much I change, no one can take the romantic Leo out of me. Come on, that's my birth right, ain't it? I still believe in the concept of love and continue to hope. Its just that I have come to terms with what was around me all the time. No amount of distractions can take you away from the core. At the end of the day you need to come back to it, and stand face to face.

I've been both naughty and nice this year, so Santa's been good. 2010 has left me with a lot of scars. Some that can be washed away easily, some that I want to hide, and some that I can proudly flaunt. Its taken a while, but now the mind and the heart have a better understanding of each other and finally happiness and contentment are beginning to merge.

P.S : "Whenever things look bleak, hold on to hope, even if its the weakest thread you have got. Strengthen your hopes by adding some love to it."

Tune for the day: 'Christmas is all around me' - OST, Love Actually.

You, Me aur Hum


I am a normal girl. Well I come pretty close at least. I'm an extremist, I give all I can and I love with all my might. I like people for what they are, and never try to judge them. And I'd like to be accepted and loved for the same reason. I dream of a better tomorrow and hope that I get to see it. I pray to God for strength and courage to get me past any obstacle I face. I have everything I need and I have accepted everything that has come my way. Today, I cherish my life. I've experienced love and I have no regrets about it. I still love. Hence, I live.

He might seem ordinary to you, but to me he is anything but that. A word from him is enough to lighten my heart and alleviate my sorrow. His love is the catalyst for my reason to live. His goofy smile strikes me like light and suddenly I don't need anything else. He is the hope and the dreams I see. He's my weakness and my strength. He's my prayer and an answer to it. He's the invisible pillar of support in my life. He's my love and my life. He still loves. Hence, I live.

We are not normal or ordinary people. We were perfect. We are perfect. Extra ordinary circumstances have come up, and we have coped up with it in our own different ways. We live every day of each others life, sometimes together, sometimes against. We still care, we still share. We hurt, we pretend. We're a lot unlike others, but alike each other when it comes to love. We want everything, but are paranoid to make a move. Perfection was our key. We still have floating hopes and dreams. With or without each other, we both don't know. We still love. We shall live.

Heaven in a Bottle


When I woke up to the call of the guy who has been giving me more than enough reasons to smile of late, I realised that today is surely gonna be a good day. It sure was. Its not everyday that you go to sleep on a song from the best of voices, and wake up to the sweetest of voices. Well today just seems to be my day.

First, I got my medical reports from the hospital and my doctor says that I'm just fine. A lil low on the bp, but that is inevitable thanks to the stress I'm in at work. Minus that I'm perfectly fine. I'm just thrilled to know that I'm far far away from the 'D'zone now. I battled it once successfully, never again. I'm a mobile anti-depressant now.

In order to celebrate I bought myself a dark chocolate Bournville (believe me, I've earned it) and 'Cool Water' by David Off. This small blue bottle, took me to heaven for that instant and I surely did not mind the tiny hole it punched on my card. Some fragrances are seriously expensive, but this one was totally worth it. It had me thinking. If heaven were to be incorporated in a bottle, this surely would be it! There are many others that come a close second though. Some appeal to the nose and some to the taste bud but both to the soul.

-- Dior Addict - Dior
-- Paradiso Inferno Pink - UCB
-- Colors - UCB
-- Cool Cucumber - Dove
-- Chance - Chanel
-- Tommy Girl - Tommy Hilfiger
-- Red jeans - Versace
-- Woman - Puma
-- Spicy black - Fa

I absolutely loathe perfumes/deos that have a hint of floral or fruity smell. Kinda makes me feel icky and gives me a giant headache.

Now for the taste buds.

-- Hershey's chocolate syrup
-- Romanov Vodka
-- Delmonte Mustard
-- Fun Food's double Mayo
-- Milkmaid condensed milk
-- Tic tac mint
-- Skippy's peanut butter
-- Kissan orange marmalade

I also had a lot of liqueur chocolates at work today. Its a pity they don't come in bottles. Alright, I'm slightly high. Happy high. Very happy high :)

Precarious


Things seem fine now. For the moment at least. Lots of distractions and loads of responsibilities. There are friends, new fascinations, intriguing people, acquaintances and enough good things to be able to sustain a heart beat or a breath of air. But, there always is something in the back ground. It was a stab before but now it has been replaced by a tiny sharp prick. Not that bad, but still there.

Such things make you vulnerable. Unwanted comparisons, scrutinizing self and others life, thinking too deep about everything and self pity. Life seems better at the surface. The more you dig the more shit you get and the more stench.

Can't we do a reverse Pandora's box here? Collect all our troubles, mistakes and agonies and put it in this box and bury it somewhere deep where no one can find it? No. There always is someone who digs it out and leaves it back at your doorstep. The way some people try to point out tiny glitches in your life, you feel like you are paying them for all this. But I guess that's how the world works. If you can't get it out of your life, I think we need to at least try to get it out of our minds. I'm trying.

Problems, stress and negativity is always gonna be there, but at the end of the day you got just one life to live. Things don't affect you unless you want them to. Or so they say. I don't know how to do that. I so want to learn that. But until then I'm not letting myself be vulnerable anymore. I've dragged myself out of the dark pit with great difficulty and painful courage, only to find myself be standing at the precipice again. Worse, this time I don't see the reason why I am here. I thought things were fine. I really did.

Was I forcefully trying to be happy? No, I genuinely was. Things were/are going great. I'm bonding big time with my friends, things are great at home, I'm finally feeling content. Things are a bit sucky at work, I'm trying my best to get out of there but the 90 days notice period has caused me to be a prisoner there. Just hoping that soon, something else will come along. Career has always been a priority yes, but not to the extent that it stays on my mind 24x7. Then why this turmoil I never understand.

Whatever it be, I need to not put myself in that vulnerable spot anymore. It weakens your core while the exterior seems fine. Not anymore. Even if I have to get myself to be emotionally blind I'll do that. Damn it, I was so happy in the 'Nothing matters anymore' zone that I was dwelling in, that I did not see this coming. Now that I have, I need to do something. Cannot get into the 'D' zone again. I have the strength, I have the will. But where's the way?

Not a Mistake


Its not like everyday is easy to pass
But today is the hardest
Its not like I smile always
But today I'm the saddest

I lie to myself that you are still around
For years now, I've played this game
Feeling anxious, happy and thrilled
Each time I hear your name

Its now been 66 months
Since the day we came together
But all that is left now is memories
Which I promptly tend to gather

Looking at you makes it harder
Knowing that I'm living a lie
But living with the thought that I cant see you
Makes me wanna hurt and die

I try to spend each and everyday
With happiness and laughs
How can I forget those times
When my heart has photographs

I sleep on your chest
But I wake up alone
All I have is the moon
Where our love always shone

If God comes down to me
Seeking to grant a wish
Do I ask for you to be mine
Or a forever lasting kiss

At times I can feel you
Touch my tear stained face
Holding me close to you
Pain, trying to erase

We are not like others
We cant fall in and out of love and fake
No matter who says what
Remember, we were never a mistake

Something About Love


It was really cold last night. I reached home from work earlier than usual, and sat with a mug of coffee waiting for my parents or my sister to return. I do enjoy solitude yes, but definitely not after a long hectic day at work. Nothing interesting on television either and I was feeling too lazy to walk into my room and pick up the laptop. So I decided to go for a walk. So I walk up to my terrace, 2 floors above my floor, in my work clothes including my pain inducing high heels. Luckily I had my blazer on, else I would have walked into hell. And then, came the thoughts.

Love sure is a funny thing. It gives you so much, so much to think about. So much to feel. 5 years have passed with more than 3 years of togetherness, but the feelings just remain the same. Maybe a bit more intense and mature. Its no longer butterflies in the stomach and a stolen kiss, its about practical togetherness and understanding and the million things that a single look or hug convey. Why I say love is funny is that, 2 years of being apart actually taught me all this. There is something about love. First of all it struck a solid impermeable heart like mine, leaving it all mushy and molten. Next, it showed me heaven and inspite of a few small trips down hell, still continues to. No doubt, its the best feeling in the whole world.

It makes you a thinker. Love can make you dream like a fool. Its not a problem, its often a solution. Its funny because inspite of all those tears and melancholy filled days, it still manages to leave a smile on your face. You know there still is love when you smile thinking of the first time you laid your eyes on him. You know there still is love when you think of the first touch and you still get goose bumps. You know there still is love when you can still taste the first kiss. You know there still is love when you get a rush when you know you are going to meet him. You know there still is love when you can see all that love beneath that veneer of hate in his eyes. You know there still is love when nothing has changed, inspite of everything.

Falling in love has never been important to me. For me its all about staying in love. Yes, I've kept my bargain.

I don't know why but at that time there was only one thought in my mind that I kept humming. Its surprising because I don't know the rest of the song, or the movie its from. Its more shocking because I cannot recall where have I heard this before. Felt like my last day on earth. Spooky!

"Lag ja gale, ki fir ye, haseen raat ho na ho.. Shayad fir, is janam me, mulaqaat ho na ho"

Ne Pas Abandonner L'espoir (Don't abandon Hope)


I see music, I hear light
There is life, there is glow
Amidst the gleam I see your face
And then I let my blood flow

My broken mind tries to find its way
Through the lost and dilapidated lane
Love is the only thing that struck me sharp
Just like the sun rays on my window pane

My life seems like a fusion painting
Filled with colors and tinted light
Give me a chance to live my love
And I'll shine through day and night

Everything gradually fades away
Some things are just left unsaid
Like a butterfly that weaves colors
But only to end up dry and dead

We're very alike yet so different
You're the ocean, and I'm the sea
Laying still is something I can't do
I need the wind to set me free

Live the truth, forget the lies
Just stand close and watch the clock
When nothing works just pray
You'll soon find a ship at your dock

I am something more than this
I want to walk with my head held high
I may not be the perfect dame
But I'm more than an option or a misplaced sigh

Soon the clouds will return
Hovering around blocking the pain
Again there shall be sunlit days
And when you want there shall be rain

Tomorrow shall be a good day
There will be only right and nothing wrong
There will be new chords, new music
Come to me, become my song

Hope seems to be my middle name
For me its always a half full cup
I'm an eternal optimist
I shall fight until God gives up

Pause


I want to stop thinking, stop analysing and stop realising.

I have nothing to write. Nothing to say. Poetry seems to have flown out of my mind.

The honest truth is, I don't want to interrupt my happiness.

God's Favorite Child


I am content, happy too
There has been smiles for long
Everything going right for once
Maybe nothing else left to go wrong

Either ways, I ain't complaining
Finally there is a light in my eye
Life sure is not meant to die
When birds are singing in the sky

Through weakness I found my strength
Courage replaced what had been fears
Time never heals anything
You just need to get used to the tears

It all looks good now
I have finally learned to adjust
Life seems to be shining now
Sprinkling me with silver dust

You can have one or a million friends
Yet, you need to go through what you have to
What has happened has gone past
Now there is nothing I can do

Every time that I have felt down
I have always felt you around
Through the pain I saw the path
To get my feet back on the ground

There has never been anybody else
I always always loved only you
The world thinks that I have it all
But in truth, I was waiting for you

I need nothing, when I have the memories
I've accepted and embraced it
The changes that have come out in me
Is slowly helping me re-knit

Through agony, I've found laughs
I've turned mild from the wild
I've been learning so much
I feel that I'm God's favorite child

Growing up?



I'm not the one to get extremely nostalgic about the gone times. For me, past always meant the last 5 years of my life and nothing beyond that. For obvious reasons. But when I saw my bank statement last evening I went on a journey backwards.

Its been just a week since I got my pay check and I'm already nearly broke. Thanks to the multiple shopping sessions and the pending credit card debts. The reason I went into a whirlwind of yesterdays was that during my non working days, I used to live an entire month comfortably on my measly pocket money. And now I make more than 20 times the money, but still hardly manage to make ends meet. Sigh! I was so content back then.

Normal denims have suddenly turned into expensive skinny's, regular shirts and tee's now have to have a brand name, local flip flops turned to elegant leather formal shoes, a couple of slippers turned into a huge shoe collection with all possible colors and heights (no regrets on this though). Earlier the choices were so simple with few clothes and talent meant mixing, matching and wearing them while now the closet is filled with clothes yet you cringe, stating that you have nothing to wear and talent now means adjusting time to rush into all the sales. Auto's and cab's have replaced the local bus journey contributing more to the depleting salary.

Birthday and other treats meant ice cream earlier but now it is a full fledged party. Hanging out then meant at coffee day and barista, but now its usually at a place where they serve booze. I do visit coffee shops still but clearly not as often as I used to. Things have gone so worse that if we step into a place that doesn't serve our kind of drink, we storm out to have it elsewhere. Even if it means in a car and even if it means the owner of the car getting bashed up by his wife the next day. When and how a simple pajama party with pizza and coke turned into a booze party, I'll never know.

Earlier I used to save up money for a long time to buy an anniversary or Valentine's gift for the one I love. Now, when I can afford to buy it all, there is no more love. Hurt and pain then meant scoring less marks, or additional classes, but now its all about stress and heart breaks. Earlier crushes gave a thrill, but now its repelling. It was amusing when guys walked up to talk to you initially, but now its a question mark on the mind. Earlier a hug and a card made a birthday gift, but now friendships are based on the gifts received. Sad, but true.

We all are growing up alright. But, at what cost?

Quiescence


Silence is soothing
It helps you see clear
It makes you breathe easy
And takes away the fear

Solitude as they call it
Has never been my cup of tea
I tend to enjoy it now
Its only here that I feel you and me

They say speech is silver
And silence is compared to gold
I say no amount of words can fill
As to what your eyes always told

At times it seems like a curse
But to me mostly its a boon
Silence may hold us apart
Yet together we're under the same moon

With silence, comes pretense
I'm afraid to say what I feel
But I pretend that you still love me
Silence thus helps me heal

Silence is just a condition
With all the words stuck in my head
In front of you everything falls short
Its better to leave the voice dead

The reason why I love silence
Is that I can fill it what I want you to say
My silence only says one thing
You make me love you more everyday

My eyes say they need your presence
My lips say they need your touch
Doesn't the silence say it all
Does the void of words seem much

Love is potent when expressed in silence
In feelings it makes you drown
Since I cant express it in sound
I feel its better to write it down