Yellow


Its all now smooth and fresh
Like a perfect ripe marshmellow
Life has never been this sweet
I paint myself a bright yellow

Nothing's more important than self
Not a thing or any another fellow
There are balloons and colorful kites
Its all now a shining yellow

I do hear soothing music
Flowing from the strings of a cello
It envelopes me all around
Turning me pink from yellow

My heart's been rapidly healing
But its still a lil bit mellow
I want it to be up and kicking
Showing hints of red and yellow

I'm gonna sing through life now
Never ever gonna leak a bellow
Its all now pristine beautiful
And powerful like the strong yellow

Nostalgia has never been good
Sticks on to you like unhealthy jello
You need to pull yourself from it
Turn your life from black to yellow

Hope and life go together
Just like the soft bed and pillow
Red is power and green is freedom
But do not ignore the mighty yellow

Embrace life with all your might
Life will hug you back with a hello
Do not fear the half empty glass
Live in peace with calming yellow

Hello!


Patience is a virtue.

A long post ahead!

5 days since my last post? Gosh, have I really been that busy? The answer to that would be a gigantic YES! The year started off with a bang and its been an overload of bangs now. When you have an overdose of happiness, its really scary. First, because you are not used to it. Second, what if it doesn't last? I've been so busy floating in my happiness that my sucky appraisal didn't affect me at all. Its good no doubt, but I expected something better. Much better. I can't lick a$$ or flatter people to get noticed. I do my work, meet my deadlines and am appreciated for the work. Apart from that I don't intend on doing anything else to score brownie points.

This month has been a huge turning point for me. For the first time ever my personal life is on an eternal high. Everything perfect and one good news after the other. I'm not complaining. Nothing is more important to me than my peace of mind. I need to be clutter free in my heart and mind so that I can concentrate more on building a career. I've decided to follow my dreams and take up writing soon. Will take up a media course and in one or max 2 years bid a final goodbye to the IT industry. My 3 years of technical experience falls short when compared to my experience in corporate politics. Not my cuppa tea and its definitely not something that I would want to pursue. The minute I get a decent outlet, I'm out of this big bad geeky world.

Speaking of goodbyes, I had to bid quite a few this month. My best friend got married yesterday and I've been exorbitantly busy with her for the past 3 days. She's my evil twin and my mind reader. We were like one soul and 2 bodies. A perfect fire to fire match and we often joked that if either one of us was from the opposite sex, we'd have the perfect relationship. Now that she's settled, she'll be moving to another country to live with her husband. It was a hard goodbye but I'm so excited for her to start a brand new life.

Another friend left the city for a better career opportunity. No doubt I'm happy for him but I miss him like hell. A chance encounter turned into a funny friendship. We only met occasionally and when we did we'd always set the ball rolling. His expectations were different, but I was clear about a 'friends only' policy. Inspite of the weird unsaid awkwardness, we got along so well and respected each other for what we are. If not anything I always knew that he's around with that big warm hug of his, always trying to make me feel better. I'm a bit sad that he's gone, but he's not out of my mind. I'm so glad for technology I swear!

One more friend will leave soon. Again for a better career opportunity. He's the only stranger that I'm gonna miss. We started of bad, later it turned messy and when things started looking good, he's leaving. But anyway, he's been a good friend advising me both professionally and personally and is someone whom I will remember for a long time. He's promised to stay in touch. Lets see if he keeps it up. I owe him 2 beers yes, so I hope to see him come back soon.

Now the most important and most painful goodbye ever. At times its hard to believe that I actually did that. And I survived! But seriously, one of us had to let go, for either of us to move on. It was not easy. Its never easy to cling on to hope and hang in mid air either. I wanted to move on, so I let go. I loved him enough, to let him go. Now, we're both happy in our respective spaces and life's moving on as well. And after sometime everything stops mattering. My ipod went on a shuffle today and out came the songs that were associated with a plethora of memories. But its just did not make a difference. Not even the good ones. I guess I've bid goodbye to the memories as well. Maybe I will to the feelings too. Sometime. Soon.

A friend of mine always keeps telling me that the population in my life never decreases. If someone walks out, someone else walks in. Call it coincidence if you may, but that's how its been happening oflate. Either ways I'm not complaining. Because I now have come to believe that every goodbye will soon be followed by a hello!

Shadows in Silence


The stars shone bright and the moon stood strong. A powerful crescent casting a dense beam of light. The wind blew lightly, just enough to softly blow her hair, so that he could gently tuck it behind her ear. The air was warm, just like their breath. This hide and seek had been happening for long enough now.

They stood apart at first basking in the moment, enjoying the faint light, meekly giggling to his incomplete non funny jokes. He did have a great sense of humour otherwise, but he seemed distracted today. By her. He was observing her closely. She smiled. She looked away when his eyes rested on her lips. She moved away in a sway. He shook his head with that charming smile still shining bright against the backdrop of faint light.

He came close, she moved far. He held her hand, she came closer. She laughed as he played the piano on her arm. The moon trickled more light on them as they stood atop, away from the world. A warm gust of smooth air caused her hair to cover her face, which he softly blew away. He was close, very close now. It was written all over him that he wanted to kiss her. She leaned forward. He pecked her cheek, almost the tip of her lip and brushed her chin. She was mesmerised by the touch. Goose bumps? Yeah, there they were.

He seemed pleased by the effect he had on her. But she was not the one to give in so easily. She walked away to the corner. Was he behind her? She didn't want to look back. Then, there he was, running his fingers through her hair and then down her back. He turned her around so that she faced him now. She playfully poked his nose, the thing that he always hated. But he smiled today. Now the light was bright on her face as he took her in his arms. Magic? No, peace.

They moved together, dancing to some invisible melody. Their steps matched perfectly. Not a word was spoken. Not a noise made, apart from some occasional tiny giggles. He stopped, held her close and looked deep into her eyes trying to read something. She looked back with sparking eyes. Both smiled. Still not a word. The moon shyed away as their lips met. Silence.

Color me Red


So here I am, after a 4 day vacation. Relaxed, rejuvenated and raring to go. Typically my new year just began when my vacation started. I just let go off all the cached memories and only decided to look ahead. I have been successful so far. This might also be because I have had more than enough distractions over the past few days. The real test will be when I'm surrounded with solitude around the four corners of my room or when I hit the bed. Wait, I did that today morning and I'm totally fine. I guess this is it, I'm gonna be fine always. Maybe not great, but I'll be just fine.

The No Strings Attached theory did not seem to work for me when it came to love. But when it comes to life, it seems to be doing wonders. Live life on your terms and your beliefs. No need to carry any additional baggage and worry about strings. Its all about how you want to take it. You may either let it all loose and lose yourself or just tie all the loose ends together and never let it reopen. It works, trust me!

Kerala seemed to be the perfect place to start off a new beginning. I'm not rich enough yet to take international holidays, so I'm more than satisfied with this one. The fresh air, the green spread, a bunch of crazy people and self discovery transformed my life upside down. I stayed in a boathouse for 24 hours and it was terrific. On water for a long time soaking in the delights that nature had to offer. Don't think I've lost it, but I'm so not a nature or a morning person. But this short trip forced me to turn otherwise. I had a lot of realizations in the past few days.

-- As I was standing alone on the deck of the boat basking in the sunset with a smile, I realised that I don't need anybody else to make me happy. I only needed to start viewing the other sights in life.

-- When I was about to pass out due to a migraine attack and everybody kept fussing over me, massaging my head, trying to cheer me up, I realised that random people (co-workers, not friends) are really good. I need to take out more time to understand them.

-- Its true that you really know people when you stay with them under a roof for sometime. Either how fake they are, or how wonderful they are. No wonder they say this when it comes to marriage.

-- When I burped vodka constantly for two days and beer for the next two, I knew that I was putting my body through shit. I'm not sure if I can cut down the intake completely but I definitely am gonna make a start. This was supposed to be a new year resolution too.

-- I am important. People genuinely missed my presence and I feel good about it.

-- No one's perfect. Not me, not anyone.

-- No matter how much you try, you can't get some wrongs right.

-- Some mistakes are way too tempting, to not be repeated again.

-- Everything, absolutely everything in life is a matter of choice.

-- What goes around, surely comes back around.

I've been really happy of late. Just hoping that it is not another flash in the pan. Live and let live and just live one day at a time. Love yourself, nothing else is more fulfilling. If you are not happy with yourself, then you can't even think of making anyone else happy. I'm loved so much, I feel blessed. The black haze is slowly lifting and colors are seeping in. This time there is more red, and for once I'm not associating this color with love or danger. Honestly, both mean the same. Nothing is bleeding nor I can link red with love now. My heart has been pierced hard but it refuses to bleed. Red is just a beautiful, happy hue now. Its kinda fulfilling and makes me feel bright and happy. A mix of red, green, pink, yellow, purple and green rushing and enveloping me. A blend kind. I suddenly feel the need to allow more colors into my life. That's why I painted my nails a bright red. A big relief from the hard to maintain french manicure, and I sincerely hope to God that I don't get tired of it soon. I'm content now. Satisfied. And in love.

I'm in love with my life and I will do everything I can to not get it wrong again.

Closure


'Fear can hold you prisoner, Hope can set you free' ~ Shawshank Redemption.

Hope is seriously a funny thing. Dangerous actually. When you count on hope, you realise that it never mattered. That's not the key to life. Acceptance is. There are no free lunches in this world. Everything comes at a price. Be it a job, materialistic stuff, sanity or love. Everything in life is actually a matter of choice. You choose to sit back, you lose. You choose to fight, you get hurt. A great deal of life is normally spent on trying to strike a perfect balance between holding on and letting go. You need to forgive, to forget. And then forget, to start something new. At times, lines have to be drawn.

I don't know why I chose to dwell in morose hood for so long. But again being a fast learner doesn't mean that you get everything at the first go. It was my first after all. Now I know. For me love is very simple. Either you love someone or you don't. There are no ifs and buts and absolutely no conditions. An "I love you, but... " makes no sense what so ever. A simple "I don't love you anymore" would have done the trick 2 years ago. But again some people get to learn it the hard way. They say that God tries the people whom he loves the most. I must be so damned loved then.

It did hurt, yes. I did shed a few tears, but it did not affect me in the gargantuan way that I thought it would. I'm satiated that I tried my 200%. I did not let go till the nth moment. I was content in the wait because I thought that the end product was worth it. But when the nth moment gets pushed on forever, patience slips. You start questioning yourself and your beliefs. When I did, I got an answer that probably it was never worth it. I was looking at it from a different angle. And now I agree, the ego did come in most of the time. Leo's just cannot agree that they made a wrong choice. They probably choose to die slowly inside than to show it to the world that they were wrong. Strangely now I feel that was all it. Losers talk maybe, but still. When everything around you is questioned, you start questioning yourself.

I thought love will overcome all odds. After all it happens only to a very few people. Lucky people if I may say. I remember saying that uncertainty is very beautiful. You never know what is in store and its kinda exciting. But when you know there is nothing in store but void, uncertainty is crap. I can't live like that anymore. I let go. I take back my love.

There always is a hope of a better tomorrow. Every storm comes with a rainbow, and I intend to reach my pot of gold. My facebook status today says that 'Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous'. I saw something today and I know that there is a God. I've been smiling since then and I know that now God is smiling back at me too. If I can love the wrong person so madly, I can imagine how beautiful it will be when the right person comes along. Yes, everything happens for a reason. And more often than not the reasons are really beautiful.

I'm glad that I did not become bitter or cynical about love. I still so believe in love. It’s the most beautiful feeling in the world, provided its both ways. Damn it, just when I thought there were no conditions in love. But yes, there is a very thin almost invisible line between being in love and being foolish and I absolutely have no intentions of crossing it. Right now I have no strength for a relationship. And I'm not in love either. The wounds are no longer fresh, come on I've been nursing them for years now. But there still are the scars. Some hazy moments and some invisible memories. Everything fades away with time. If you want it to. You can establish anything. If you really want to. Someday when I'm strong enough I wouldn't hold myself back like how I have until now. I know I've lost out many options, but I'm sure that if I didn't want them then, I wouldn't want them now either. So, no regrets.

I don't know what to call this, so I would call it closure. A beautiful chapter with a not so beautiful but decent and clear ending. For the first time ever, I'm beginning to think of a life without a certain someone. I had never ever reached this phase until now. That's a BIG development for me. From now on, there is no looking back. Its time to follow my convent slogan now I guess, "Ever Onward". Better late than never.

Nothing


He: So what do you think now?

She: About what?

He: Hmmm you know.. About love maybe.

She: Aargh, lets not talk about it. I have nothing to say.

He: Nothing?

She: Yeah, nothing.

He: You think love is nothing?

She(irritated): I didn't say that!

He: You just did.

She: Ok whatever! Hmmph.

He: So you agree that love is nothing?

She(giving up): Okay whatever you say.

He: So love is nothing. You agree?

She(rolling eyes): Hmmm ok.

He: You do know about the book 'Nothing lasts forever'?

She(confused): Oh, that Sheldon waala? Its a favourite. Why?

He: So nothing lasts forever right?

She(more confused): Yeah, I guess. But why?

He(cheekily): So then, will you be my nothing?

She(spellbound): Eh?!?

Justice.. Delivered


The minute I walked into Inox to watch 'No one killed Jessica', I was amused. Reason? The security lady refused to let me in as she refused to believe that I was above 18. She plainly refused to let me in until I showed some id proof. I usually carry around my fully loaded clutch, but on this particular day I just decided to stuff some cash in my pocket and venture out as this place is just like 15 minutes away from my place. So after some cajoling and my friend showing her work id they let us in. Phew! 18 and me?? I might look young, but definitely not 6 years younger than my actual age.

I have followed the Jessica Lall case albeit not very closely. But yes, the movie did live up to the original case. The beginning credits mention that the movie is part fiction, part fact. Oh yeah, it shows. The movie tells a simple tale in a simple way with powerful punches here and there. The story is rich and bombastic and moving to a certain extent. The first half of the movie rocks where Sabrina, played brilliantly by Vidya Balan dominates the screen. She's a stunner when it comes to her acting. She wears drab clothes and the 'behen ji' spectacles and is a perfect portrait of anguish and strength. I love her calm reaction when she declares in the ambulance, "She's gone. Jessica stopped breathing". The first time I shed a tear. For the movie that is. And her final breakdown at the end of the movie had me crying buckets. The only place this woman can be criticised is the fashion circuit because when it comes to acting she is top notch.

Post intermission, enter Meera, the feisty crass NDTV reporter who is just back after covering the Kargil war. The minute she enters the screen you realise that she is the fiction part of the story. With her OTT acting, smoking scenes and unnecessary swearing she brings in the unwanted drama into a neatly established movie. I still don't get the need for her almost making out scene with some random guy whom she dumps at the brink of the moment as she gets a phone call. And her 'Fly Solo' dialogue had me wanting to tear out her hair and mine. Its a pity that the director did not realise that screaming out 'Not sometimes, I'm always a bitch' doesn't make a wanna be bitch one. The dark garish spot on an otherwise neat movie. She drags the second half with her "fucking" dialogues and slowly but steadily starts grating your nerves.

Myra, the lady who plays Jessica is awesomely beautiful. She's a stunner and is the perfect contrast to her dressed down younger sister Sabrina. It actually hurts to watch her die. A special mention to Rajesh Sharma, who plays the police officer in Jessica's case. He's the only honest person who stands by Sabrina till the end although he accepts a bribe of 70 lakh just to not raise a hand on the culprit.

The actual accused Manu Sharma is replaced by a Manish Bharadwaj who does well in his minute role. Too many wanna be actors from Mtv's Roadies and Splitsvilla scattered throughout the movie. Vikram Jai Singh the prime witness in the case who turns hostile in the end does a good job. A good looking rascal indeed. He plays Shayan Munshi's role, the real life prime witness who didn't have the balls enough to stand up and testify while his friend was shot 5 inches away from him. I lost total respect for that bugger and no wonder his wife left him.

Since the movie has already been declared as a combination of fact and fiction, I did not understand why they claimed that the sting operations were conducted by NDTV. Weren't they conducted by Tehelka? The unpleasant mix of fact and fiction kinda confuses you. If you know nothing about the original case and are willing to bear the banal Rani Mukerji, this movie will be a treat for you. Unfortunately for me, I knew the characters way too well. From Bina Ramani, Shayan Munshi to Manu Sharma and Sabrina Lall and every other tale in between. Apart from the unwanted media drama, the movie does justice to the case. To some extent.

I am


I am the color red
On that bright pretty rose
I am the early morning dew
Or the water that just froze

I am the memory
Of the things to come
I am the glue
That binds things as one

I am the road
Which has no end
I am the force
That you need to defend

I am the art
Of a lovely dream
I am the shrill
Of a frightened scream

I am the madness
Of a day of fun
I am the heavy cloud
That can hide the sun

I'm the twilight
Of your midnight thoughts
In this life of strings
I am holding the knots

I am the breezing wind
Towards the painful fire
I am mother earth's
All forms of desire

I am the voiceless echo
Of an odourless scent
I am the agonised hate
I am what love meant

I am the temptation
That causes you to cave
I am the power
That you take to the grave

I am the close friend
That you want to know
I'm the one with piercing eyes
I am your deadliest foe

I am the laugh
Of a distant cry
In a series of attempts
I am your final try

I am the blood
Gurgling through your heart
I am the venom
That can tear you apart

In the perfect stone wall
I am the prominent crack
I am the white dove
Belonging to lady black

I am the love
Storming through the lust
When the mirror shatters
I form the shiny dust

I am the life
At the end of a rope
In a mindless journey
I am your hope

My Thought Basin


So, my blog crossed a 10,000 views today. That's not so bad for the 600 odd days its been on. I am happy of course and extremely nostalgic about the way I started of.

Rewind to March 2009, the most pathetic year of my life. I was going through total shit professionally, and the personal life seemed like a never ending quagmire. I was hurt, frustrated, confused, lost and every other negative word that you can think of. I was oblivious to the concept of blogs at that time. But once I saw my co-worker checking out someone's blog and I was like "That's a cool outlet to vent out frustrations". Honestly, that was the first thing on my mind and the very reason why LOL took shape. The hunt for an apt name was another nightmare. Being a Leo has caused me more bad than good and I was adamant to have Leo in the title. After a few brain storming sessions I decided on this one. The worst thing was I hadn't told anyone about my decision to start a blog, so I couldn't ask for suggestions either. After a few posts and when I felt confident enough I published the link. And the rest as they say, is history.

Every single emotion I went through, my blog had to go through the same. Frustrations, public lash out's at people, and no positive posts. My God, was I crazy or was I crazy? I cannot dare to go back and read my old posts. It gives me the creeps. It was all so juvenile and unpolished. Not that I'm great now, but still I'm proud of the way I've evolved since the start. My growth since 2 years is all out there and I'm surprised that my whole life is out there for people to see. But yeah, I've learnt where to draw the line and have retained the intricate details to myself. Throughout the journey, I have met a lot of wonderful people. Some fellow bloggers and some followers who have encouraged me to no end.

Blogspot to me is more fascinating that any other site out there. I love reading the lives of other people, their opinions and understandings. Its like a magical library where you get to connect mentally with unknown people. I have loved every bit of it. Laughed with a few and cried more. Met a lot of people like me and have felt comforted. Be it what ever reason for which I started the blog, but now I'm in love with it. Its a vital part of my life and has played an important role in giving me back my sanity.

But with good things come a few bad things. A lot of people has appreciated my posts and have been abundant with feedbacks. But a few of them have got extremely intrusive and interrogative. A few things that I've got over the years.

-- Please write only poetry. That too love poetry.
Err, Doesn't the owner of the blog get to choose what to write?

-- Is everything you write true?
I must be one hell of a depressed and tormented soul to make up such stuff, if I did.

-- Who do you write for?
Duh, isn't it on a public forum. Its for ALL.

-- Can I copy a few poems, if you don't mind.
Like if I said no, you wouldn't!

-- Name the person you're words are dedicated to.
If I wanted to, wouldn't I have done it long ago. Even if I did, like you'd know him.

-- Who are your intended audience?
As long as there are people, I'm fine with it.

-- Why does every post of yours have a picture?
Because I like it that way.

I don't recall all of it, but I guess this is a part and parcel of having a public journal. No regrets what so ever. I've loved each and every moment of it and thank you all lovely people for commenting and following.

Every single post that I have written is true and is solely based on my life and no other. Its my opinions, my views, my love, and my words. Its my humble journal & it is all about me! Narcissism personified!

Here's to more thousands of views, Cheers!!

Heal Yourself


When everything is seemingly lost
When you feel away from your soul
Just hold on tight with this thought
That soon in life, you'll find your role

Nothing in life comes ready made
Its those tiny drops that maketh the sea
No one is greater than the other
It all depends on how you want it to be

There are a lot of things ahead
It may not necessarily be in shape
Even before it begins to take form
Don't give up and try to escape

Not everyday can you bask in light
Even the earth has hurricanes and rain
You are just a tiny spot on it
How can you expect to live without pain?

Hope may not be everything
But its sure makes living better
In time, give yourself a hard push
And break away from that fetter

Be realistic in your approach
Just don't stay back and watch the scene
Love and life never come easy
You need to fill things in between

You may have tried many a times
You may have cried a million tears
But did giving up bring your time back?
Or did it help you evade your fears?

Never ever stumble on yourself
You are the strength needed to live
Others only are the supporting cast
Who mostly receive and seldom give

Life is one big circus
Sometimes its chaos and at times a fuss
Mostly time does the healing
But sometimes the mind itself does

Poetry in Motion


It was the perfect blend of colors. Blue, purple, orange, red, yellow; all splashed against a mild background drawing figures as they went. The mystic scent was over powering, intoxicating almost. The magical smoke made swirling patterns around her, as she opened her eyes to witness the impossible sight. There were balloons high up in the air. Pink. She hated the color, but today she devoured the scene.

The blue butterfly chased her, as she ran giggling around the stream of fuchsia flowers. The color rubbed off on her skin as she galloped from color to color soaking in the moment. There was this drizzle of pure dew that flowed on her, wanting to erase all her fears. And it all left, like an aftermath, disappearing into nothingness. It felt cold, but nice. There remained a rainbow thrown around the light blue sky like a marathon of colors. It was all so bright and she laughed loud thinking about her black and white theory. It did not hurt her to admit that she was wrong. It felt liberating. Clear headed, she witnessed the spectacle refusing to blink.

The clouds suddenly bloomed around her and a million fireflies lit her halo. She felt light. Very light, like as though the burden has been lifted off her heart. Her mind was beating and her heart was listening. Has life always been this good? Did she refuse to see it? A string quartet appeared around her playing soulful music almost like an answer to her queries. She was perplexed. Stunned. In front of her appeared the face. The most familiar face. It did not sting her this time. She still felt love, but that didn't clasp her. It made her breathe easy. Easy to look away.

As she turned back, she saw a huge mirror. It was surrounded by sun flowers and bumble bees. The thousand yellow flowers stood out bright and so did the thousand within the mirror. It was fascinating as she gaped at the sight. She heard faint music. A violin? No, it was a cello. Smooth, sharp and beautiful. She was suddenly distracted by a face in the mirror. The face that was now smiling at her.

All Smiles


Happy New Year everyone!

My year began with a bang, and I seriously don't remember when I have laughed so much or danced so much before. It was a mad mad night and I hope the madness continues for the rest of the year.

2010 left on a very good note. Things came out in the open and its all clear now. I can understand things much better now. I could before too but I never did want to. But now, its out there in front of me every single day to see, and live. Absolutely no regrets.

Better late than never they say. True. I'm happy now. Very happy. I guess life is a nice place when you let go of the expectations and try to make the best of what or who comes your way. Seriously at times I feel its the best to let go. Holding on to something painful never has and never will help anyone. Its funny that I realised this when I was staring at my drink last night. Whatever, I'm glad it did strike me.

Trying to make a future out of yesterdays is so not right.

So here I am, writing this with a smile on my face. No, not smiling through the pain. There is no more pain. There can be no more pain. That was 2009 :). I know I'm sounding really foolish and confused here, but for me it makes perfect sense. More so than you can think. From now on, its gonna be all about me. I need to start living for myself now. As me, for me. No strings attached.