Karma & Confessions


Its almost the end of the month and I have churned out just 7 posts?

*Hangs her head in shame*

Been so caught up that I even forgot to put a picture on my previous post. Sigh! Nope, I can't afford this anymore. I need regular moments of insanity from now on. So I decided to pamper my blog and give the virtual lioness a makeover. Good one eh? I was still hooked on to the coffee template I had earlier, but that damned thing posed more problems than one. Comments, date format, width adjustments, you name it and there was an issue with it. But this one blew me away. Lets face it, I've always had a thing for dark shades and this one gives me a perfect balance of a journal and my love for black, coffee and a choco chip cookie. I'm satisfied with this one :)

Nothing bothers me anymore. I'm in a very happy place. For once, my personal and professional life has been on an high for more than a fortnight. I'm enjoying the responsibilities, the stress, the tension, the rush and the results. I'm getting to learn so much. Be it about the damn telecom world or life in general. The world has always been great, I was the mis-fit. I've always thought otherwise, but now I know. How can the world be wrong? Its been around for gazillion centuries now. I'm working hard to try to fit in. I'm succeeding, one step at a time.

I'm taking out time for myself now. I need to work on myself a lot. And being single had never seemed like a boon before, but now I'd call it the silver lining. It has shown me so much that I can't even begin to thank God for putting me through such stuff. As they say whatever happens, happens for a reason. Cannot agree more. I still believe in love, but its no longer a priority. Shona is dead, for good! I'm holding back from this feeling for as long as I can. My friends tell me to give it a chance, but I have absolutely no room for it now. Nor do I have the energy for it. I'm finally in the place where I have only dreamt of being, and I don't want to do anything stupid and fuck this up.

I'm suddenly fascinated by Buddhism and have become a firm believer of Karma. Seriously, you only get what you give. That's all there is to life. I did things that hurt someone, and got back pain in return. What else was I expecting anyway? At times, there is comfort in the truth. Now, I know. Acceptance, mistakes and understandings maketh life. How you take it and what you do is up to you. Life is never unfair, nor is God. God is very fair and gives us exactly what we deserve.

Hope and faith still remain, but peace is something that you need to find within yourself. Oh God, look at me talking like this! What exactly happened to me? I seriously don't know. But its working for me in a weird way. Patience is on an all time high and that's an achievement in itself for me. 2011 seems to be a year of travel for me. I've been travelling so much and I still can't stop. I'm off this weekend too. Whoever said distractions are temporary relief. They maybe, but the after effects last long. Really long.

And on a totally different note,

Years ago, I found you and chose you
It has kept me going even if it made my blood spill
That's a part of life I'd never change
Even today, I choose you still

What goes around..

Comes around. And how..

A couple of posts back I mentioned that I've been having so much fun in life that I hardly go home before 11 pm. Well that streak continues till today but since 2 weeks its been work, work and more work. Ah well, I just went a rung up in the corporate ladder. I am the development lead for my team now. Having said that, its absolutely not easy to be a person who has look into every single aspect of a project and be the first point of contact for any issue. I've been under immense stress oflate, but I'm loving every minute of it. Most importantly it keeps me distracted enough to not think about other things. Or people.

I'm not a very responsible person myself. I'm pretty clumsy to be honest. So this is a huge turning point for me. I'm learning to be responsible not only for myself, but also for the other members in my team. God's been really funny with me. He gives me extreme and mandatory chances to grow up. I'm not complaining anymore. I'm at peace within myself and I think the time has come for me to concentrate on just myself for now. Lived enough for others already!

Life's been hectic. Managed a quick getaway last weekend and went on a trip to Hogenakkal with team mates. Phew! But this time it was serious fun. All of us have been working so hard that all of us needed a much deserved break. And boy, was it one. Besides the feeling I felt when I accidentally saw him a few days back, the best feeling I've felt in recent times is that of sitting completely submerged in water with only your head and your hand holding a glass of old monk above. Peaceful it was. And thrilling too. The best part about team outings is that you get to see how people are outside work. You hate some, and then you begin to respect some. You realise the other scary side of a few people and you figure out how gross some people can actually get.

Also managed to sneak out to watch '7 Khoon Maaf'. It was a good enough movie. Nothing great though. Priyanka pulls off a complex character and yes, I've begun to respect her after that. John is icky in the movie and Irrfan is scary. And the climax was foolishness personified. Kudos to Vivaan Shah though. He's really good.

So that's about for now. I'm visiting my blog after so long that I myself feel like a visitor here :(. I need to take out more time to write now. I miss my regular life. That's why if you have too much fun at once, you miss it more later. Well that happened to me. Its all work, documents, code, reviews and all that now. Inspite of all the stress I still get a rush when I do it. Makes me feel good. Satiated. And for now, that's all I want.

It never died..


I am in love!

I'm still in love.

I don't want to feel anything
I just want to go completely numb
I want to dwell in this emotionless place
If I'm out I'll surely succumb

I'm seriously hoping this is nothing
Its just this day that's mocking me
Then why am I feeling like this now
Today, its only you I want to see

Suddenly everything is about you
Your voice, your smile and your touch
I want to rush into your arms
Your hands I tightly want to clutch

I thought I was done with this
Then why this sudden memory flood
Whatever it is, get done with soon
I can't shed more tears or blood

I had made peace with myself
Everything was going on fine
Then why at least just for today
I only want you to be mine

Love was a forgotten word
Why today it means the world
Is today not just another day
Why do I feel like I'm painfully hurled

Solitude was becoming my friend
I was trying hard never to feel
Why this abrupt burst of agony
The wounds were only beginning to heal

I pray you are happy in your space
Hoping like me you don't live in a pause
Happy Valentine's Day to you, my love
The perfect half of me that never was

Up in the Air


I was at the Aero Show today and trust me it sure was an experience of a lifetime. Its not everyday that you get to wave out to Shahid Kapur or catch a glimpse of M.S Dhoni. So, it sure was an awesome day :). I was also supposed to go watch the India vs Australia warm up match today, but damned work is keeping me put at home. My sister is out there cheering and I'm stuck here glued to 2 laptops. But I also needed a break, thanks to the stress and madness the past few weeks have been.

Now about the Aero show, I've always tremendously admired men in uniform, like any normal woman out there. Army and Navy is a big big turn on and the Air force is a bigger game all together. I so want to marry a pilot now. They are daredevils I swear. So calm, so composed before they climb into a fighter plane. And they come out looking the same after going 10,000 feet up in the air and doing all possible acrobatics and loops in the air. It was fascinating! Even the highest and scariest roller coaster has never me such a high before. It was actually tough to believe that there were people out there in the plane that was doing all possible things in the air.

We were sitting right in the front row, with a clear view of the runway and it was an out of the world experience to watch the huge Mig 21 take off. The pilot just strolled to take his position and he waved out to the crowd like he was just going for a walk. The loud noise during the take off gives you goose bumps which remain and intensifies as it hits the air and swirls about. This was followed by the F-16 and F-18. Shahid Kapur looking splendid in his jumpsuit and Rayban aviators waved out with a wide smile to the crowd as his F-16 moved to take position which was about 10 feet from where I was seated. I told you, it was thrilling!

We saw everything and it was so amazing that I just can't stop thinking about it. Waking up early on a weekend and travelling about 20 kms and walking 7 kms to reach the actual venue was totally worth it! The Sukhoi, Typhoon terrier, Mig, and even the boring white Saab was quite a sight to watch. The Redbulls and the Surya Kirans beat everything though. The Redbulls were good and the Surya Kirans with their Tri-color act were fantastic. The shapes they made and the co-ordination they shared were breath taking. Extremely proud to be an Indian I swear!

On our way out we passed by the pilot quarters and Oh boy, I could just stay there all day and look at them. They are incredibly fit and immensely hot!! They ooze out a sense of something which gets on to you. It makes you gape at them with immense respect. Maybe its the bravery or the guts they have accumulated in them. No matter what, works for me. I so regret quitting the Frankfinn course I started to become an air hostess. I would have been a lousy one, but I could atleast get to be in the company of the pilots. If not the fighter pilots atleast the plain mundane ones would do :)

The picture shown above is that of the Surya Kiran's performing the Tri-color act. No, I did not click that one. I was too busy admiring them.

Green


With clear happy thoughts
I rest my head to sleep
I feel peace all around
As I plunge into slumber deep

I see crisp blue skies
And the sun shining bright
Butterflies flocking white lilies
And the sunflowers woven tight

I hear gurgling waters
And the early birds twitter
The clouds break a melody
I feel rain drops pitter patter

The faint music gets loud
Its beautiful though almost mute
Its mystically mesmerising
A violin? A piano? Or a flute?

This vision of beautiful life
Is what I always yearned for
Love, cheer and smiles
And free from any kind of war

Everything seems so perfect
Yet I seem to carry a ghost
A fleet of memories haunt me
How can I not be the host?

Suddenly I see your face
I smile wide amidst my dream
But I see you with someone else
Then I wake up a shade of green

Chaos


I'm kinda suffering from a writers block. Just look at the frequency of my posts. I was the one who thought it was mandatory to write atleast one post a day. Sometimes I used to come up with two and take a long time debating on what to post and more often than not end up posting both. Sigh, the foolish me!

But now, its all just blank. Also, I'm not having enough time for it. I've promised myself never to post something during office hours, so there goes the major portion of my time. I've been out socialising so much that I hardly get time to sit free and browse the internet. I do check for updates via my phone a coupla times during the day. I've always been addicted to internet, but now somehow the need has ceased.

I don't remember coming home before 11 this whole week. No, not work. Catching up with friends, bidding a few goodbyes, laughing away to glory, dancing, drinking, cheering and all the madness. How life got this busy I don't know. Even if I do find time to unwind, I now prefer a book or watch a movie. When I sit down to write, I'm like 'Oopsie, what do I write about?'. I guess the flow of words was inevitable when you have a broken heart. I miss the words, I miss the feelings and honestly at times I do miss the pain. We had been friends for almost 3 years and now when its gone, there is an emptiness somewhere. Go ahead and mock me, but that's the truth.

Life moves on neatly when you stop hitch hiking at one point. I can see that now. The flow is smooth and you don't feel the need to look back. Occasionally I still do. When you love someone its tough not to look back. But now I've learnt that the look ahead time should be much more than the look back time. Following it. Falling in love again suddenly seems like an option but its invariably surrounded by fear. I guess with time, the fear will fade out. Atleast that's the hope. Life's been busy, filled with new guns and chaos. No complaints, but I do miss writing. More than anything else.

Is it Me?


So I was having a chat with this guy today. A good friend you can say. Hmmm, I probably like him much more than how much I should like a friend, but still. Well, I'm kinda fascinated by him of late, or so I thought! Man, was I in for a surprise. So we're talking normally and he matter of factly mentions that there is this another girl and he likes her and all that jazz. I know for a fact that he likes me, or liked me until sometime ago at least, and today this. I was taken aback yes, but it was only momentary. I started asking him about her, what she does, how she looks and all that. And he took his own time to spin a tale about how they met and other blah blah.

This went on for quite sometime until he tells me that it was all a fragment of his imagination and he was just testing my reaction. I was like bleh, what for? And then there I sat, talking to myself that here is a guy whom I think I like. 'Like', extra emphasis on the word. Yet, it doesn't seem to bother me a least bit that he's talking about another girl. Or the fact that he likes someone else. Seriously, what's with me? There broke the bubble and out came a straight talk and we settled on being best buddies for life. Status quo to remain sealed.

The funny thing is that all my female friends are smitten by him and I think that he's like any other guy I know. No big a deal! I've seen woman drooling at him when we walk in together to any place, and I'm like, him? Why? Seriously? Has my past relationship screwed me so bad, or is it that I fail to see what others do? Do I even want to see anything else? This question so far has not been answered and I choose not to too. For quite sometime at least.

There has always been something weird about me. Weird or special, potato-potahto! I'm so different that at times I feel that I'm from another planet all together. I'm not conventionally beautiful or pretty. I'm not fair, infact I lean a lot toward the dusky side. I know I'm good, but I also know that there is nothing great about me. Politeness is a practised skill and diplomacy runs in my blood. I'm right there, curt, on your face. I can't act shy, can't praise others, can't fall for flattery, cant try too hard to please nor do I care about what people talk about me. Or anybody else for that matter. Yet, I've had more than my share of attention and people often see things in me that I always fail to see. Someone once actually told me that he likes my innocence and that had me rofling for days. No kidding, innocent and me? Yeah right!

Woman around me drool over Hrithik, Ranbir, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise while an Abhay Deol, Prateik Babbar, Rahul Bose, Hugh Jackman or Christian Bale do it for me. Chitrangadha Singh and Sonakshi Sinha top my list while many are fighting over Katrina and Aishwarya. A plain black tee is my saviour anyday when compared to a floral frilly top. Cappuccino anyday, when compared to a chocolate smeared mocha frappe. Strappy flats for morning, noon and night, while the high heels can go take a walk. What is with me? Seriously, is it me or the rest of the world? Okay, I hear ya!