Just the way YOU are


When I close my big black eyes
Your face comes to my mind
When I go deeper into my soul
Only traces of you I find

When I clasp my fists
I feel the presence of your hand
When I look towards my side
Very close I find you stand

When I take a breath
Your aura I seem to smell
When I think of your touch
Its more amazing than I can tell

When I bite my lip
I can taste your scent
And when you kiss me tight
I know, you are for me meant

When I brush my hair
I feel your fingers through it
Slowly coming down my neck
Towards my nape bit by bit

When I look at myself
I see you gaping from far
Always stay closer to me
You shall always be my star

When I lay back down
Your memories get me high
Taking me to higher peaks
Making me want to fly

When I hear your voice
My eyes are filled with hope
I need no further intoxication
My love, you are my dope

When I'm down in the dumps
I'm woken up by your smile
Your arms pull me out
From crap into the love pile

I can dance to your invisible chords
You're the music of my heart's guitar
I wouldn't change anything about you
Cos I love you, just the way you are

Ssshh!


For some weird reason, I am very happy today. Life is still the same, as I type out this post from my work laptop. But I cant seem to stop smiling. Something feels good inside. Like a tiny ray of hope rising up with each passing second. Like a million reasons to smile in every blink. I hear random music and that makes me groove with it. An invisible hand holding mine, as I walk alone. Like some aura of hope assuring me that everything will be alright.

I'm not complaining. I love these unexpected bouts of tiny drops of happiness. I know for sure, what ever has to happen now will be for good. I'll blindly accept it. Sometimes it takes more strength to sit and go through it, rather than stand up and try to fight a losing battle. I'm fine. I will be fine. I'll stay quiet for now and let this feeling take over me.


Aahatein, Ho Rahin Teri
Dil Ke Dar Pe Mere,
Tu Yahin Hai Kahin
Kabhi Mere Khwab Sa,
Kabhi Uljhe Jawaab Sa,
Ke Chanda Mein Bhi Daag Sa,
Mere Jaisa Tu
Ke Dariya Ka Ho Ik Sira,
Ke Armaanon Ka Silsila,
Ke Sehra Mein Bhi Aab Sa,
Mere Jaisa Tu

You take my breath away



I can watch you forever
Trying to conceal the lust
Fighting to hold myself back
When touching you seems like a must

My fingers yearn for long
Hoping to run through your hair
I ache to get into your arms
But I only can get to stare

The curve of my lips
Thirsts for your touch
Longing for your venom
I cant ask for anything much

At times the hunger builds
Craving for your presence
When I breathe, I smell you
Like some over powering essence

The taste of your tongue
I can't seem to get enough
I'm awed by the way you move
Slow, deep and sometimes rough

Trying to stay away from you
Is the hardest thing ever
Even to stay an inch apart
I need all the will power

Your mesmerising effect
Plunges and mixes deep within
Pushing me to the extremes
Of committing every sin

You give me the strength
To resist every other temptation
But when it is you I lose myself
To God's most alluring creation

Your warmth, your breath, your beat
I can bask in them night and day
One glance towards your side
And you take my breath away

Alive


Sweet pain. Smiles. Memories. History. The look. The touch. The feel. The warmth. The tears. The brushing of hands. The stolen stares. The forbidden kiss. The lingering intoxication. The thoughts. The hope. The truth. The acceptance.

The LOVE.

You make me come alive.

Smoke - II


Smoke - I

As it penetrates in slowly
I'm taken to a happy place
Where everything seems good
And bad tends to erase

When all the words fail
And feelings tends to poke
When death pulls me close
I come alive with smoke

The bitterness feels sweet
When that's all you seem to get
The bottled out miserable agony
With smoke, out you let

The seeped in colors
Are all now in a haze
Coming close to a mingling black
Leaving me out in a solid daze

The moving patterns of smoke
Seems to bring a smile and a glow
Just like the way it aimlessly moves
If only life would so smoothly flow

When you hit the bottomest low
Smoke seems to take you high
There is no reasoning out here
There is no how, when or why

When void and vacuum
Seem to be the best of words
When life moves on without destination
Smoke then comes out in herds

It doesn't intoxicate anymore
It only makes everything feel alright
I like the way smoke stands out
In the darkest of the dark night

When nothing goes your way
Strength seems like an invisible cloak
I wonder how it works this way
But I feel, I'm purified by smoke

Faking It


Its kind of amusing to watch how people can fake their entire lives. I see a new drama unfold around me every single day. Yes, not an exaggeration. Every single day means that. Pretense seems to be the new fad now. When lives are crumbling down to bits, people try to put up a smooth exterior. Why don't they understand that the people who have seen the worst of them, will not fall for it. If anything, it only makes it worse. If you're not happy with something, just get out of it. Or atleast try to do something about it.

Hypocrites and sycophants would be underrated words to describe such people. I know a girl who excels in this art. She's stunning herself. Wouldn't need anything to attract attention towards her. But no, she put out this fake 'cool and hip' exterior when compared to her sweet and down town self. I did try to understand her initially, but after a few failed attempts I gave up. If it works for her, then so be it. Some people do everything to make themselves feel good. Having said that, I realised that I'm no different. Yes, call me a hypocrite if you may.

Last night as I was talking to a friend he told me that I'm one of the most happiest person he's met. He actually mockingly called me happy singh. I was like bummed out. If he knew the truth then he'd get the shock of his life. I do put up a fake exterior, but not in terms of the person I am. I'm blunt, frank and honest and that's exactly what I put out to the world. I'm not a typical girl who goes 'woooo' about everything. I'm called a tomboy most of the times and I have no qualms about it, cos that's how I am.

The fake exterior that I put out is that of a happy soul, when at present I'm anything but that. It sometimes is easy to lie and say that everything is okay, rather than give out an explanation. Its easy to smile and dodge most of the times. I live behind a mask of my own, and I have no problems accepting it now because everyone does that. I read a quote that said that 'Be kind to people, everyone is fighting a hard battle inside'. Was just a quote then, means life now.

No one can heal you. No one will fight the battle for you. Its all up to us. Its all up to me now to live my life, the way I want to. I know things have not been good oflate, but I know I'll get past this. I will get past this. The rampant down has to rise up sometime. I've seen lower lows and highest of highs. This is just a phase and I'm sure that this too shall pass. The year started of brilliantly. If it did not have these tiny glitches maybe I would have taken it for granted. Like they say a smooth life is not a good life. You need to go through crap to appreciate life. Yes, you do.

Well I'm just gonna wait for the silver lining now. And next time when someone asks me how I'm doing and when I say I'm doing great, I'll no longer be faking it.

Fire & Ice


Screw the patience. If I hurt you, believe you me, you asked for it.

If I appear cold, that's only because you don't seem worthy enough of my reaction.

Last night, I just asked myself as to when was I the happiest? 5 years ago was the reply. Now that that part of happiness has been flushed down the drain I chose to ignore it. Memories bring back a lot of pain, loads of it. I just realised that it hurt less to not care. So here we are.

I again asked myself when was I the happiest? This time the reply was 'Always, until the last 3 years'. That meant I was happy even before the last 5 years. Oh hell, yes I was. So lets go back there.

I was immature, short tempered, spoilt, arrogant and probably everything that I am not now. But still, I was happy then. Really really happy. That's all I want now. Even if it means me going back to the old me.

The tamed lioness is always called a faithful bitch. I somehow prefer the fierce tyrant I was. I'd rather spew fire than shed tears. Whatever works for me. A purring lioness is equivalent to a domestic kitten. Naah, time for some serious growling now.

Off


I'm confused. Damned hell I'm confused. I took off the previous post I wrote, cos I'm not too sure I meant it. Too much was going on in life, way too many frustrations and it all didn't come out in a good way. For reasons best known to God, all I could think of today was the damned post. It kept playing back n forth in my tiny little head. Kept disturbing me and got me out of work much earlier than I planned to. I wanted to take it off. I had to take it off.

But why did I write it if I didn't intend to keep it? I'm not the one to do that. Why?

It gets more confusing by the second. Something's troubling me. And deeply. I need time off. I need some time to think and figure out life. I need time to sort out and prioritise things. I need some space. I need a break from life. Not from work and stress. From life. What do I do?

Broken, Not Shattered


Note to self: Thou shall stay away from blogspot whilst drunk.
Still better, Thou shall stay away from any communicating device while not in senses.

Gosh, look at my last two posts? Shame on me! No seriously, shame on me. If I could, I'd slap myself now. But I don't believe in hitting a woman so I'd leave it at that. Damn, damn and more damn! Trust me, alcohol combined with an overdose of pms always gets the worst outa you. I need to think twice, okay maybe thrice before I gulp down a drink now. Better safe than sorry. I don't like to justify myself so I'd let the posts be for now. Thou shall not make such a mistake again!

I'm back from another short vacation and am kinda refreshed. Well almost. I was on leave yesterday and spent some quality time at home with myself. And me being me went through a whole cycle of thought process. I think, well I know, that I've been divided into parts. Not a couple, but several of them.

A part of me hates the fact that I de-stress with alcohol.
A part of me is craving for that sip of wine this very moment.

A part of me is trying hard to meet the deadlines and do well at work.
A part of me wants to throw everything and run away.

A part of me wants to bask in solitude for a while.
A part of me wants to go on a holiday every month.

A part of me wants to save money and have a huge bank balance.
A part of me wants to buy all the things I desire.

A part of me misses my best friend whom I haven't seen in more than a month.
A part of me hates him for failing to understand me.

A part of me has become cynical about love.
A part of me wants to fall in love again.

A part of me believes in never looking back.
A part of me agrees on a few U-turns here and there.

A part of me enjoys the attention I'm getting.
A part of me is scared of any kind of intimacy.

A part of me is happy with the way things are.
A part of me is silently wishing for more.

A part of me is getting over him.
A part of me still cries when I think of him.

A part of me wants to move on.
A part of me is telling me to hold on.

A part of me is feeling traces of sentiments.
A part of me has become comfortably numb.

A part of me knows that things are not gonna be good always.
A part of me still smiles inspite of all that.

And that part, puts all the other parts to shame.

I'm a true blooded lioness. I win. Always!

Love Ruined Me


And that's all I have to say.

Flow


The only colors that I can differentiate oflate is that of red and white.

Wine sure is bottled poetry. I'm stuffing myself with the words.

Maybe someday, someday, they will just flow.