Tequila


One, two, three. Here we go.

I want to post this before I end up getting too high and venting out crap. I'm only writing this because something inside me is not letting me stay still. I'm thrillfully happy today. It had been ages since I've felt this way. First, my hardwork finally paid off and now when I see my work flow so smoothly and beautifully I feel proud. Second, I got a zillion compliments today on the way I looked. Even though a few bitches turned green, it only added to the exhilaration. Third, striking realisation: I can feel again. Duh, obviously for someone else. This close friend *cough* of mine turned the whole of me green by talking about this particular chick. I kept nodding and listening but the inside of my head was screaming 'Stay away from him you bitch. He's mine'. The jealously and sulking lasted for a good 20 minutes until I saw her. Then it all went poof! Reason? I'm way hotter than her ;)

Atleast now I know that I can feel for someone else and I no more have to hitch hike on the post called the 'past'. No, I don't want to read much into this and think why I felt like this, what does this mean, why do I care, why is this happening and all that blah. The only thing that matters now is that I can feel again for another being. You need to be in my place to get the feeling. Trust me, it feels like a rebirth.

This might sound really funny coming from a cynic like me, but, whatever happens surely does happen for a reason. My ruler Murphy's getting wicked by the day and life's been throwing more lemons than I can count. But you know what life, I've developed a taste for lemons now. What else have you got? I'm not gonna quit. Like I once said before, I'd fight until life gives up.

They say that you will have no idea as to how strong you are until that is the only option you have left. True. Lemonade was never an option for me. Since salt comes free (well almost), tequila's the word, and I'm addicted. I'm so glad that these things happened. Even though I have written a million posts cribbing about all the bad things in life, in the end I've emerged out a tougher and stronger person. And for some weird reason life's toughest questions seem to be getting answered today. No, its not the wine talking. Not as yet. But the zillion and million used is pure exaggeration.

We all have only one life to live and we might as well as live it the way we want to. Fuck the rules and monotony. Nothing is right or wrong. Do what you feel is right and have no regrets if it goes wrong. Because no matter what happens, in the end, something good emerges out of it. I have been denying this all this while but its the plain simple fucking truth. This friend of mine is leaving forever in a couple of weeks but he's leaving me with the feeling that I can feel again. It does hurt yes, but also, I feel nice inside. No point in random thinking and worrying. Let life take its own course and if there is someone called a God watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Amidst all this hoopla of work, stress, lemonade and tequila comes another realisation. I might actually be falling out of love. I am falling out of love. It does not make sense nor does it seem to matter anymore.

P.S: Yes, the post title was intentional.

Lemonade


Today clearly has been one of the many worst days of my life. When last weekend turned out to be 'Oh so wonderful' a part of me told myself that this is just the silence before the storm. And it was. Presenting today!

For over a month I've worked my ass off on a new project. Since I had just changed processes at work, this was my first biggie. I toiled day in and day out, lost count of time, ignored my health, refused to get a haircut, cancelled a vacation, burned a million cigarettes, found absolutely no time to have a drink, did not meet my friends, did not watch Bheja Fry 2 and did not shop! I saved as much time as I could to finish my work before today's deadline.

And I did it! Last night I finished the final thread and all I had to do today was to go to work and happily send a mail. Trust me, I had it composed in my head. Then came the storm. After having worked till 3 am I woke up today at 8 hoping to reach office early to get rid of this stuff forever. I was feeling uneasy already and as I set my foot down the bed came the sting. My right foot was completely swollen with my main thumb resembling a potato. It was quite a sight with the bright blue nail polish I had on my toes. I couldn't even walk a step and the first thing on my mind was how do I get to office.

The pain was unbearable and I was immobile. I sat at my bed wanting to cry but not a damned tear came out. I called my lead telling him the problem and asked him if I could work from home as I'm just not able to move. The response was a meek 'Ok'. And so the day began. Just as I logged in I was flooded by a million mails stating that something had gone wrong with the work I had done and I had to rectify it. Then followed a series of callous calls accusing me and pointing invisible fingers at me telling that I could not get the work done. The pain doubled and I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't even walk to the doctor or down the stairs to take a rick. God bless mom for being on leave and she went on my behalf to the doctor and got me painkillers. It did not help and the damage had already been done.

I sat all day working amidst the pain. It was so shrill and excruciating that it was taking me down and all I wanted was to rest/sleep. I battled it all and rectified the mess. Lets see how it goes tomorrow. I don't know why such things happen to me. The pain in my foot has subsided thanks to the painkillers but I'm still unable to walk thanks to the swelling. No matter what, I have to make it to work tomorrow. With or without foot. I know everyone will say that this is just a phase, this too shall pass and blah blah. But I think its high time that Murphy's stopped ruling my life. I'm singlehandedly fighting more battles than I can count. I know I'm not winning but I'm not letting the opponent win either. A tough place to be in I swear.

I need a break, a change. My vacation also went for a toss thanks to work. I need to breathe free for sometime. I know I'm not the only one going through such things where work sucks, love life is screwed, battling nostalgia, no clear future and absolutely no time for anything else. But at times it gets too much, even for the lioness me. Seriously, when it comes to living life every being falls short.

Static


Its been six years and nothing has changed. The feelings, the memories, the places, the thoughts, the insanity, the want, the hunger, the wait, the love. Nothing has changed.

Nothing has changed apart from the fact that we no longer see or talk to each other.

Right back at ya


Work is fucked up, stress is at its peak, love life is on a turbulent and adventurous high, thronged by past memories, wrongs seems to be overtaking the rights(yet no guilt felt, not even a tad bit), friends moving away, opposite sex friendships going kaput, no me time what so ever; yet today I'm the happiest person on earth.

Its such a thrill to get back at someone, isn't it? No, this is not someone who hurt me badly and I wanted to drink his blood kinda revenge. This was something silly, something juvenile, something based on love and hate. Someone said 'Hit where it hurts the most'. More often than not its the heart. Strike target. Bull's eye!

I hurt you because you deserved it.

My di always tells me to treat people the way they treat you. I never ever listen to her, but this, I now firmly believe in. Life gives you back what you give, and so will I. Karma it is.

Mystery

Each time my mind goes blank
Your presence is felt more
Filling me with happiness and grief
Troubling and curdling my core

Do you ever think of me
Of all the times that we met
Does this ever cross your mind
Together when we laughed and wept

I know now there is no wait
But it sometimes is tough to accept
I don't know what is it about you
You my love, are hard to forget

You're like the cool breeze
That infuses life back into me
You're also like the painful drug
Without which nothing else I can see

As the fateful day I dread
Seems to come near and near
You completely take over me
Leaving me in agony and fear

Do you also go through this
Do you feel the same things
What do you call that feeling
That each memory of us brings

I'm amazed by your distance
How do you manage to stay away
Why do you prefer to stay mute
Is there nothing you want to say

Don't you have to fight the urge
To pick up the phone and make the call
You seem like a mystery to me now
Probably I never knew you at all

How do you spend your days
Don't you ever feel the need to see me
Do I ever feature in your dreams
Or have you locked me out and thrown away the key

Do you ever miss me
When you have something to share
I probably wouldn't love you so much
If you actually did care

True Lies


I never want to go back there. Never ever.

And so the crush crashed today. Point blank, within a second. When you start to find someone attractive, you tend to ignore the small irregularities, negatives and their individual opinions. But again, only to a certain extent. Today I figured out the threshold I had for this certain someone and now I find him the ugliest thing ever. The minute this happened I rushed to the washroom at work and laughed my heart out. Who was I kidding? I feel nice now. Free.

Just thinking, it is so easy to lie at times right. Rather than give a whole explanation about something, just finish it off in a single phrase. Be it a lie or so.

'Why are you late?' ~ Had to stay back at work.

'Does this dress suit me?' ~ Yeah.

'Is he more important than me?' ~ No.

'Did you smoke again?' ~ No, just passed by the zone.

'Does it make a difference to you?' ~ Not anymore.

Lies fascinate me. Its so simple and spontaneous, just like the first para I wrote. I actually went to the washroom to think about the incident. How could he think like a jerk? Was he always like this and I failed to see it? Seriously, when someone is nice to you, it doesn't mean that he is nice to others as well. Today I got to see it. I felt a tiny tug at my heart but I'm glad I got it over with. When I asked him about it the response I got was, 'I would never say such a thing to you'. Bleh! That's when I knew I had to get off. Good riddance again. Better off as friends we are. Today, the lines were drawn. By me.

Not so long ago, I got a good friend off my back on the basis of a lie. Absolutely no regrets about it. I probably should have done this much before and saved him some pain and me some ugly drama in my life. He's happy in his place now and me in mine. See, lies are not that bad after all. Just don't let the guilt get to you.

People who think too much are the ones who get hurt the most. My sense of thought seems to have fallen out of the window, the very reason I'm not able to write much these days. Its easy to lie to others and get away, but when you have to face the truth within yourself its nothing short of hell. I keep telling myself that I have everything I need in life and my life's beautiful. It is the truth except for a big void that nobody is able to fill. That void seems to take over everything making the truth of my life seem like the biggest lie ever.

But again life moves on, even if it means living a lie.

Find the Answers


Yesterday, this friend of mine came up to me wanting to confess something. He's this goody goody sorts of person so I was wondering what it was.

"Shoot", I said.

"Well, just promise you want laugh"

"I won't, I promise"

"Remember when I asked you out last week?"

"Hmmm yeah"

"I actually googled on ways to propose to a Leo woman before I did that"

Of course I couldn't keep the promise. I blurted out laughing, only because I felt that the confession was so cute and naive.

"It obviously didn't work, did it?"

"Naah, Google is crap"

I agreed with him then.

Today, I googled on ways to get over a man. The answer I found was 'another man'. Seems about right. Beginning to trust google again.