Tiny bouts of Happiness


Everyone say that I'm a very hard to please girl. Just because I don't go 'Wooooooooooo' on every gift I get or 'Awwwwwwwww' on every rose I receive, it doesn't mean that I'm hard to please. Come on, how does wailing out like a milk cooker suggest to others that you are happy. This is something I don't and will never understand. It is not tough to make me happy. In fact I get thrilled due to the smallest of things. Little things make me more happy than any materialistic thing in the world.

The most disturbed night of my life which I mentioned in my previous post, made room for the most prettiest of mornings. As I walked in to meet him and saw him sitting there it just made me smile my widest smile ever. The whole pain of insomnia and disturbance in the mind just went poof! Now I know, no matter what we are, no matter where we go, this whatever awesome feeling we feel is never gonna change. Never ever. And I'm not going to ruin in. No way. We're gonna remain what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. This realisation made me the happiest I've been in a long long time.

Waking up to the smell of fresh hot coffee makes me happy. The feeling of fitting into an old pair of torn jeans is totally indescribable. Finding some money in its pockets when totally broke only doubles the happiness. Just as I went to throw away my cherry divine nail polish, I found some of it left in the bottle. I was thrilled. So I sit here typing with freshly painted bright pink nails. Searching the entire room only to find a last cigarette in the corner of my bag makes me happy. Finding a frozen Mars bar in the vegetable rack of the fridge in the middle of the night makes me happy. A long distance phone call from a loved one out of the bloom, cheers me to the core. You see, happiness can be found in the smallest of things.

Your professional life may be screwed or your personal life may be fucked, but if you learn to find happiness in the smallest of things around you, you are the most luckiest person in the world.

So, what makes you happy?

I know & that's all that matters


Its past 3 am and I'm unable to sleep. I'm not new to the regular bouts of insomnia but this time I'm disturbed. All thanks to a certain someone. Aaaargghh, how I hate it when somebody occupies rent free space in my mind. If I was an outsider looking at myself now I would say that I'm in love. Or that I've totally lost it. Well, same difference I know. Big deal.

You know, I had sworn to myself to not think much anymore. Or just not think at all. But then, it happened. He happened. There always is something about the opposite sex right. The more you want to stay away the more attractive it gets. I've known him for quite a while now but the closeness happened a few months ago. I know, mistake number one. Refusing to be his girl, mistake number two. Thinking of him morning, noon and night, mistake number three. Who's to blame? I feel like holding a loaded gun to my head right now.

Everything was fine until a few days ago. We were what we were, being there for each other always, holding hands, showing love in our own ways. But suddenly too much of concern seems to be pouring in and I'm not liking it. Its like something I'm tied to, irrespective of choice. I need him around, but in what way I can't seem to fathom. He's the best thing that has happened to me in recent times and nothings gonna change that. I know that for a fact, but the outbursts of concerns and feelings is something that I would need more time to get used to. Or maybe I never will.

And then there are this pathetic breed of people who find extreme satisfaction in taking me down the guilt trip. 'You'll hurt him', 'This is not right', 'This is a meaningless relationship', 'I just don't understand what is going on between you two', 'What about your ex, you mourned for him for 3 years and now its all forgotten? Very bad', 'I hope you know what you are doing', 'Life is never this casual', 'Everybody needs something out of someone. Someday you will too'. And this is only the gist. Its people like this who make me enjoy solitude day by day.

First of all it is nobody's business but mine as to what I am doing and with whom. I'm only in it because it makes sense to me. Call it anything you want, friendship, love, lust, need, it makes no difference to me. Its between the two of us and if it works for us, then why are the rest poking their stinky noses into it?

I agree that it seems a bit complicated now. But its not the first time we have been through this phase. I have seen tears, pleading, jealousy, fights, anger, ego, insecurity and what not in the past. We have smoothly survived all that and I'm sure we'll it talk out and get past this too. We are totally different people with awesome understanding and one similar thought. He needs me and I need him. Come what may, this is one thing that will never change. I don't know if we will end up together or apart. Both make perfect sense to me, but I will do the right thing when the right time comes. If that's the case I know there was absolute no need for this post, but going to sleep with such heavy thoughts is so not a good idea. So here it is.

I'm fine. And so is he. If not anything else that is one thing I'll always make sure of.

Somersault in the Air

I've always written about random crap. Love included. Once its on my mind, the next thing I know, I'm typing it out here. I just do it to vent and make myself feel good. Yeah yeah selfishness alert, but people actually like me for that. Most of them think that I'm being way too open about my life and that people would tend to judge me. Well, judge me all you want. A few of them who understand me and love me for what I am are enough to keep me going.

Priyanka, Gowthami, Spaceman Spiff, Shobhit and Srinidhi have awarded me with this.

Yay! Thank you so much, my lovely people. You really do know how to brighten me up. I love you all <3

So we proceed.

Linkback? Done.

7 random things about me:

1. I wish I was a bit more tall. I know a 5.6" is good enough, but you know dil maange a little bit more.

2. I'm allergic to tomato ketchup or cooked tomatoes, capsicum, paneer, artificial food colors and sweets (yeah you got that right). These are the sure shot ways of giving me a migraine attack.

3. I never visit other people's profile on FB. If an update comes on my home page its fine, else I don't see the point in doing so.

4. I'm commitment phobic. Well, you already knew that! Lets try I haven't quit smoking yet.

5. The secret to my naturally strong shiny black hair is that I never oil it, but wash it every single day. I thank my mallu genes for this.

6. Most of the male best friends I have are the ones who have asked me out at some point or the other. And some of them are even the ones I've had a 'thing' with. Still, we're great friends. Most people don't get it but it works for me.

7. I'm a voracious carnivore. I need to have meat atleast once a day. Thank you God for my extremely high metabolism rate, else I'd be a Big Momma by now.

Phew! It was easy to write random stuff when not asked to :P

Next,

My Favorite Song: Stereo Love, Edward Maya and Hey you, Pink Floyd.

My Favorite Desert: Like I said, I don't have much of a sweet tooth but right now I'm craving for a Mango cheese cake.

What Pisses Me Off: Waiting. For people, transport or any damn thing. Patience so not my virtue.

Biggest Fear: Being alone. Period.

Best Feature: My big black eyes and my thick black mane. And yes, my honesty.

Everyday Attitude: Do whatever it takes to make you happy.

What is Perfection: What me and my ex shared, at one point of time. Since then, nothing has even come close.

Guilty Pleasure: Bradley Cooper and Old Monk. In that order :)

Now, time to pass it on. Like I said, patience is not my virtue and I can't go on describing each of the blogs below. But I love each and every one of them. I might be returning it back to some of them, but its just not a polite gesture. I love your blogs and I sure think that you guys are worth this award. So, here we go.


In absolute random order. Love you guys. You're the reason I'm hooked onto blogspot :)

This post has been pending for long. I'm so glad I'm done with it now.

Giving Up

Its not like I don't care
Its not like I don't want to share
I just get frightened that
I'll again get used to you being there

Then you shall leave me behind
Without even turning back
The colors you brought in
Will then soon turn to black
I still want to talk to you
I still want to love and feel
But if I see you everyday
How do you expect me to heal?

My present seems to bother you
My past meant the world to me
How do we get a balance here
Any solution do you see?
When the us broke into me and you
It poisoned me to the core
I don't want to live in a mirage
I'd rather stay alone on the shore

There is no point in more tries
Multiple knots shorten the thread
We can manage to live apart
If not, I guess we'd be long dead
Today what we have become
We have only ourselves to blame
We should have stuck it out together
Instead of being all tough and lame

I still remember your touch
The memories always hurt bad
What's the point in thinking now?
We'll only end up being more sad
I'm sure you'll do good
Being the wonderful person that you are
I'll only want the best for you
Even if you are miles far

I shall always love you
You can still see it in my eyes
The only reason I gave up
Is that I wanted to end my cries

It rained all Night


The below post is a hybrid mix of truth, fantasy and fiction.

Boredom was killing me and he was not the one to just let me stay bored. Or alone. Five minutes after the trivial fight we had about me not wanting to see his face again, he called back. Half an hour later he picked me up and we were on our way to our favorite place. The best part about us is that no matter how much we fight or yell, when we come together everything else is forgotten. It is just me and him. Us. He psyches me out to no end and raises my temper beyond any limit. I slap him, kick him, punch him, hit him and he dutifully bears it with a smile. He twists my hands occasionally only to kiss me at the end. Whatever you call this, this is the kind of relationship we share.

As we were on our way it suddenly began to rain. Softly at first and then came the piercing heavy drops. We stopped and ran to a shed for shelter. We were half wet by the time we got there. There were about a dozen people there already, each trying to dry themselves as much as they could. It was cold, really cold. I struggled with my wet hair as I suddenly looked up.

Then the world stopped spinning.


I've seen him a million times before, but today I actually saw him. All wet, struggling to blink, he looked so gorgeous in the dim fading light. Suddenly I felt all obsessed, like a child with a shiny object. I know he is a killer, but when you are best buddies you tend to over look all this and take the person for granted. But at this instant, it was different. I suddenly felt the urge to be near him. His wet hair slid carelessly along his forehead, as he was hurriedly trying to protect his phone dodged in his now soaked pocket. A drop of rain clung to his lower lip refusing to let go. I was thrilled and for a split second I wished that we were alone. My peripheral vision flashed a different face and distracted me. I closed my eyes, wiped it out and reopened back to him.

I suddenly felt oblivious to the crowd. My eyes were fixated on him refusing to pay heed to my heart. Temptation was inviting me and the whole universe seemed to be chanting a new song. Our song. I stood still, unable to take my eyes off him. He looked at me now and caught my eye. They held their place. No, I wasn't embarrassed. I told you, that's the kind of relationship we share.

Are you staring at me? He asked.

Yes. I said. I can't lie, you guys know that.

Why?

I don't know.

He smiled and came closer to flick a strand of my hair behind my ear. I felt goosebumps all over me. It was madness, what on earth was happening. The jerk of goose bumps made me look away. He held my hand tight and waited for the rain to subside. I felt a pang of unease. I haven't felt this way in a long time. The rain Gods agreed to settle for a soft drizzle and we left. I could feel his mind racing too. Not a word was spoken until we reached our place. I was feeling hazy. For once I wished that I was drunk, so that I could blame something else for what I was feeling. But I was on my way from work so that was way out of question. As troublesome as it was, I did not want the feelings to stop.

We sat there talking and laughing, still none of us erasing from our minds what had happened a few minutes ago. That's the thing I hate the most about him. Whatever happens, he makes me feel so comfortable. There is never any awkwardness between us. Its been a long time now and we have still been the same. As the night seemed to come to an end, he held my hand and looked deep into my eyes.

You know, right? He asked. Rather said.

I know. I confirmed.

And then it began to rain.

Chaotic Truth


My last birthday party just ended today and I'm all so sad. Another year before the day comes again. And as promised I have kicked the butt and let the old monk leave. Feeling light already. I feel like the layer of cigarette soot around my brain has been washed away and I am beginning to think clearly. Or so I feel. Yeah, I tend to get a bit dramatic at times. Naah naah, don't mistake me, I'm not giving up on these things like forever. Maybe sometime, once in a wee while I will party. Time now is to strictly focus on the career bit as I shall be starting on my new project tomorrow. Pray for me people.

The last coupla weeks has been a roller coaster ride for me. Luckily I made it without throwing up. Today on my drive back home I stumbled across some realisations and facts about me and the people around. Totally random stuff, so skip if you don't want to read.

People make a big deal about birthdays, especially me.

I hate colors. Black and white is enough for me to live.

If a guy cheats on someone with you, there is very good chance that he's cheating on you with someone else.

Speech is silver, silence is gold. Bullshit. Silence deafens at times.

Over the three year old process of getting over my ex, I actually have fallen in love twice. The first one I let go, before I realised what I felt. The second one, I guess I still am in love with. I did not accept it then, I will not now. Works for me. So, period.

Love is hugely overrated. And is totally worth it.

Strangely, it was very easy saying goodbye to the one who owned my heart once.

I've always wondered how bloggers with pathetic writing skills garner hundreds of followers. I follow some of the best writers and I'm hugely proud of them.

I'm vain.

Men are one of the most wonderful creations of God.

I had the best kiss of my life today. They say that if you kiss and tell, its gonna happen again. So :)

I haven't cried in ages.

I hate boring people. Loathe, detest, abhor. Nothing else creeps the hell outa me more.

The only people who preach virginity are the ones who have never had a chance to lose theirs.

I desperately need to focus on my career. Only.

Platonic relationships don't remain that for very long.

You can be more than friends and yet not be lovers.

You never learn from your mistakes. You might as well as learn to live with them.

I hate monotony. I get bored of routines very quickly. At times, even people.

Of the 350+ friends on my Facebook list I probably genuinely care for only about 20 of them.

I can't lie. The withdrawal symptoms of not smoking is killing me.

I'm chatting with 6 people right now and I just can't concentrate. I'd better log out.

I Don't

Period.

Let it Rain


I thought it would be different. It was not. I thought I'd be uncomfortable. I was not. I thought I wont like it. I did. I thought I'd feel guilty. I did not. I thought it was not important. It was. I thought I'd hurt him. I did not. I thought I'll hurt myself. I did not. I thought his feelings don't matter. It did. I thought I was right about never having feelings for anyone else. I was not. I thought I'd never understand. I did. I thought he'd never understand. He did. I thought I'd regret this. I do not. I thought I'd never want this to happen again. I want. I thought it won't rain.

It did.

25. Single. Happy


Happy Birthday to me :)

Today was just like any other day. Nothing great happened. It was like any other party that I've been to. Just that I was the centre of attraction today. But my talks usually make me that most of the times so there was nothing special. There was a lot of drinking, well nothing new in that either. Apart from receiving a phone call almost every minute, today was just like any other day.

I must say that I have some of the best friends in the world who went out of their way to make things special for me. Every single person in my life whom I care about wished me today. Family, friends and surprisingly some frenemies too. What touched me the most was that my friends staying outside the country took out time and made sure to wish me 12 am my time. I honestly wasn't even expecting a call from them. Had my mind not been lost in pre-thoughts of a certain someone not calling me, today would have been the best day of my life. But again everything happens for good. It also makes you realise that how such people are not worth even a thought, let alone a piece of your life. I know that now, and that's the biggest gift this year. I hereby declare myself out of love.

The day bought back a lot of nostalgic memories from the past. I don't regret it because today also showed me the beauty of a wonderful present and an awesome future. It felt like the right amount of warmth and the perfect kiss.

Yes, today has been good.

Clumsy Oaf


No, no I'm not getting into a bashing spree again. This is just for me. Tell me something, who else burns their ear while trying to blow dry their hair? Or who else burns their middle finger while trying to light a smoke? Seriously, the finger I use the most is all burnt and swollen now. Somewhere far away Murphy is ROFLing away to glory.

I turn 25 in two days. Phew! Am I seriously that old? Am I seriously that old and still I do the above things? I might just be in serious need of help. Well atleast my mind does for now. First, I was not used to not having him around. I learnt to deal with it and was successful. He's back and I am now not used to having him around. How do I deal with this? I'm driving him and myself up the wall. Wtf is wrong with me? I'm either sick or confused. Talk about being a defective piece. Thank you God, if I haven't said that already.

Today I had a yelling match with my manager. Turns out I'm back to my temper tantrums. I feel a glimpse of the old me coming back and I'm actually happy about it. The new one was a tad bit of a pushover sponge who bore things. I still am a lot like that but the red eyed monster in me is slowly coming out. Angry when provoked. Reason enough eh? Bleh, who am I kidding. I'm never gonna be the same again. The most integral part of me has gone away. Gosh, I miss him. I love him so much. How do I get him to understand that? My only birthday wish. Sigh, stop giggling away Murphy!

Well, lets get past that now. My health's been slowly kicking up and I've gained back 2 of the 4 kilos that I'd lost. That yuckee tasting syrups seem to be working after all. Time to relax and get pampered over the weekend now.

Next post, on the D-day :D

Much ado about Nothing


I've been sick again. Have been away from work since the past 2 days. Viral fever they say and I'm stuck the entire day at home with a tissue stuffed up my nose. My immunity system seems to have gone to the dogs, with one health concern following the other. At times I feel that there is someone out there holding a voodoo doll that looks like me and is piercing it with poison tipped pins. Believe me, I know a lot of people capable of doing that.

I'm seriously getting tired of being ill. Its been more than a month and I'm making more visits to the hospitals than I do to the loo. I wouldn't mind the tests, needles or tablets much. The thing I hate the most are the disastrous syrups/tonics that they make me drink. They taste like crap and its a pity that I can't avoid them. I'm literally in tears when I'm asked to take them. 2 spoons from 3 bottles, 3 times a day. There is no God.

So much for the big plans I had for my birthday. Everything seems to be going kaput even before it started. An old flame was successfully extinguished and a new spark died even before I could come to terms with it. Atleast it is settled now, I guess I need to smile for that. My new project is waiting for me, but I'm not able to find the physical strength to get out there and reach for it. The official day is on the 16th, but I had planned on going in early. Like I said, there is no God. Thankfully I hadn't made a commitment. 16th it is then.

My birthday next Monday hardly seems to matter now. I guess I need to concentrate more on getting stronger and healthier. Had read this somewhere, 'Life is what happens to you, when you are busy making other plans'. Huh! Life never fails to amaze me. Every. Single. Time. 4 days for the completion of the 25th year of my life and I'm lying here on my bed just hoping to be able to see the next 25. Of course I will. Man, those pills have been curdling my brain. I planned on writing some poetry, this is all I could manage.

Life is not smooth and straight
Its not always the green grass
We just need to hope and believe
That this too shall pass

Hallucinations. I need to get back to sleep.

Fade to Black


Its my birthday month. Yay! :D

Today was an eternal down hill with everything possible going wrong. Today I saw how love can exist without trust. How a beautiful face perfectly hides the monster underneath. How a person who hardly mattered is capable of bringing out the tears in you. How blind people can get as long as someone around is pacifying them. How hidden intentions can spoil a relationship. How a single second can crush you down.

What's with trust anyway? Can you love someone and not trust them? Can you trust someone with your life but not love them? Can you believe every word a loved one says? Can he look into my eyes and lie?

No, I did not love him. But it did sting. That's all that was on my mind today. Suddenly the most important person in my life did not seem to matter anymore. It was all about the vague new face. Every breath pierced and every voice burnt. How could he? I can't even blame him, I'm the one who did not want more out of this. Still it is crushing one bone of mine at a time. I don't know what this is, but it really bites. Must have been love.

After all it hurt.

Trying to be as optimistic as I can get, I'm gonna take this in the good way. My birthday is meant to end all the bad things and pave way for the new good ones. The end has begun. Let all the pain, misery, agony and confusions fade to black. I'm sure a stream of colors is waiting to come my way. There is nothing beneath rock bottom anyway. The ray of life has to get reflected back now. I don't see any other way that it can go.