Poison

Writing poetry after a long time. Kind of lost touch so please bear with me if it ain't that good.

You have given me reasons to smile
But the infinite tears dissolve them
We split and so did everything else
When together we were like a gem

You my honey were my life
You were so tender, delicate and kind
But the piercing pain I went through
Somehow put you off my mind

I waited for like a zillion years
But hatred was all you gave me
I was tired of shutting it out
When my eyes wanted love to see

You will always be a part of my life
Something like a distant memory
You will remain a beautiful chapter
When I tell my kids my story

But he was there to dry my tears
To make me laugh when I was down
Him being the arrogant bastard
For me dint mind being a clown

His gigantic ego just goes poof
He makes me feel like a woman and a child
He knows to take care of me when I cry
And to tame me when I act wild

He's the venom that's spread to me
Making me what I am today
I don't regret any part of him
This I shall proudly say

If there is a need, there it is
You just cant evade that fact
Both us being wild and fierce
Are bound by an invisible pact

You were the earth that kept me grounded
He's the cool air that blends with my fire
Dry burnt earth was never pretty
But hot air can evoke deep desire

You're the sweet honey that I loved
But love him I can't and never will
Inspite of this disturbing fact
This damn poison refuses to kill

Lust & The Silver Lining


Battling addiction. Serious addiction. Before I knew it, the distraction had turned into a major addiction and was all over me. Its tough when you get close to people. So close that you forget the boundaries of friendship. You get lost in the vicissitudes of uncertainty, holding on to something just because you simply can't do without it. The need for that person over powers everything. Even the very feeling of love. Or lust.

My temper tantrums are back after 3 years and how. All the anger management I'd mastered is now down the drain. I get angry and wild at the drop of a hat these days. But again I feel that you can only get angry at someone when you feel something deep for them. Anger is a part of love, if you ask me. Or lust.

Its amazing how he manages to piss the hell out of me and then does one thing showing sheer love that makes me melt like ice on fire. That's what we are. Nobody till date has been able to manage my tantrums this well. And with so much patience. He surprises me by putting up with my silly unreasonable demands. I would never do such things for anyone. Not me, not him, not anyone. I'm indeed lucky to have him in my life. Presently, that's my problem. I know I need him in my life. As what I don't know. We can't go back to being just friends again. Or should I just plunge headlong into love? Or lust?

Well they say that every cloud has a silver lining. This one sure did. He has been such a perfect distraction that my past is totally forgotten. COMPLETELY. I can't even try to recollect things from the past years even if I want to. Honestly, I never thought I'd get here. But. BUT. But, I did. I also know that things wont revert even if he's not there. The phase is over, or I have just grown up now. The place, the face has been replaced. It can be replaced again, provided I let go of the addiction. Trying to quit smoking hasn't been this tough. But the time has not come for it yet. He's a dirty habit and I just can't let go of it right now. Call it love. Or lust.

Of the seven sins I considered myself to be pride until now. Turns out, I'm LUST.

It is what it is


There was a time when a face flashed in my mind whenever I was happy. Or sad. The same face flashed every time I went to sleep at night and was a major aspect of my dreams. That was the face that came to my mind as soon as I woke up. That was the face that brought ample smiles on my face. That face made me feel good. Feel wanted and special. This was until sometime ago. Well, nothings changed much. Nothing apart from the face.

Yes, anything and anyone is replaceable.

And in all honestly its not tough. Some things and people are meant to be forgotten. But again its not easy to forget until its been replaced. Maybe it can be done otherwise but this is how it works for me. New and improved is always better they say. No pun intended.

When my phone broke down in the middle of the road a few months back it did not take me five minutes to walk into the nearby store and pick a new one. Yeah I mourned for the old one for a few days and now that's the last thing on my mind. Or be it my white stilettos that snapped its heel only to be immediately replaced by a much better one. It happens, life moves on.

No, I'm not comparing people to materials here. But if you look at it that way, you realise that it is not entirely wrong. People come, people go. That's life. Its a pity I did not see it this way earlier. No matter what, you need to live. With whatever you have. It is not the same I agree, but in some time it will be. So I'm not complaining. People can be replaced too.

Provided you want to do that.

A Happy View


I know I know I have been missing from this space for a while. Blame it on my super busy life or my laptop at home that refuses to boot up. I'm not even able to take out some time to go get it checked. No, I've not been busy doing important things like work, read or write. Life has been moving so fast, that the day is over before I know it.

One look at my nails with chipped red nail polish will tell you how busy I have been. I'm the one to redo all my nails even if there is a scratch on one. And look what life has brought me to now. I actually removed the paint on my way to work today. The auto guy was giving me all strange kind of looks. It only got worse when I lit a smoke after I was done. More glares. Stare all you want moron, like I care anyway.

Just taking a fifteen minute break at work to write this. Hardly a month at my new project and I'm bored already. The only thing that is keeping me going is that I'll be travelling soon. The place is not yet decided. But the way my adventurous life is going on I wouldn't mind even if I go to Sudan or Afghanistan. I need a serious break from everything and everyone in my life. I'm in the best phase of my life now, but I need a break to realise the importance of the stuff. Testing you can say. I've taken everything around me for granted. Family, resources, money and the men in my life. Even the most important one of all. Being a sweetheart he doesn't complain, but I feel kinda weird at times when he's around for everything. Even if it means cancelling his plans. Life sometimes makes you feel like a bitch.

Super news. I was caught twice at home for drinking last week. Best part, the two days that I was caught were the only days that I wasn't drunk! Seriously, parents! Some tear jerking drama happened and it was forgotten the next day. I just don't seem to care anymore. The only thing that I have in mind before doing something is "Will I regret this later?". If the answer is a no, I'll just go ahead with it. Come what may or however wrong it may be.

Crossing the line of friendship and entering into no feeling's zone was my choice. It is giving me so much happiness and is responsible for keeping me sane today. People thought I was in love. So did he. But I knew that wasn't it. I thought about it a lot over the past few days. And now I exactly know what he is to me. A distraction. And a perfectly good one. I even told him that. He was enraged at first and then he somehow accepted it. Like he had a choice! See, now you know why I was taking about the taking for granted bit. Still, no regrets. Weird, I know. Selfish, I know that too. It started all of a sudden, but it will end when it has to. Until then, we're good.

Super duper news. My blog crossed 55,000 views :O. I remember how happy I was when it crossed 10,000 views a few months ago and the feeling still remains. Thank you all for making this happen. You guys are the best.

Today, when I look at a bird's eye view of my life, I feel good. I see flowers, colors, smiles and even a rainbow. Its taken long, but I got here. No one else gets credit for that but me. I went through shit to get here. I spent sleepless nights crying out on my pillow to get here. I took extreme measures to get rotten memories out of my head. I painfully oozed out every drop of love from my heart. I have worked my ass off to get here today. And I'm proud of it.

P.S: I removed the sparkling heart widget. Ever since I've lost my ring I find hearts extremely annoying :)

The Ring & The Call


A 1200 km road trip does wonders for you. For starters, it blows enough wind into your left ear to remove the rusted clutter from your brain through your right ear. It gives you immense pleasure to just sit by the beach at 2 am lost away from the world sipping onto a chilled drink watching the waves rise high and crash amidst the dim moon light. Serene it was. It is exactly during these times that I miss having a boyfriend. I was with great friends, but suddenly the need for someone special rose to its peak. Slow breeze, semi warm sand, sound of waves, stars shining down and the beautiful smiling moon. This has always been my ultimate fantasy. But there I was enjoying it. Alone.

And then came the call. Just like an immediate answer to my thought. For once, for once God seemed to be kind to me. It was the most beautiful 30 minutes of my life. It was like he was right there living my fantasy. He does everything he can to make me happy or atleast to see me smile. No one can handle my temper tantrums like he does, loving me through it. Why is that I can't accept the concept of falling in love with him is something that I just can't seem to fathom. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I don't trust him enough yet. Or myself.

No matter how beautiful the surface looks at the end of the day you need to come back to the rock bottom crap. So as my vacation ended I came back to cart loads of work and it did not take long for the recent break to become a distant memory. Life moves on right? No matter what.

The reason for the title of the post is that I have left back my ghosts of the past back there. After my break up I bought myself a silver rhodium ring and wore it on my ring finger in the memory of him. I wore it on 18th June 2009, the day it was supposed to be our 4th anniversary and it has been there on my finger since then. No matter what I'd never take it out. But somewhere during the 4 day vacation I seem to have lost it. I did not take it out at all, and it was the perfect fit so slipping out is out of question too. It just went missing. The best part is that I did not realise that it was not on my finger until I reached back. When I look at my empty fingers now, I just smile. It somehow seemed right. Again at that perfect realisation moment I got the call. Yes, I'm ready to move on. More smiles.

You know what, no matter what happens, it all happens for a reason. All these days I was looking for reasons to be with him, but now I can't seem to find a single reason to not be with him. The concept of love has ceased to exist for me. Should I just cave in and see what happens? No, that will be wrong. I don't want to let go of it either. Strange na? So near, yet so far. Is it always necessary to give a name to a relationship. To brand it? Sometimes nameless is wonderful. Sometimes uncertainty is beautiful.

I'll just go with the flow taking one day, one moment at a time. Because life now is near perfect and I've finally learnt to live it right. Again, no matter what life moves on. You get hurt at times and at times you earn a smile. Either ways it is worth it.

Until next time


Things have been going great for quite a while now and I'm finally beginning to settle down and get used to the calm and serene life. My life now suddenly seems like a perfect recipe with the perfect ingredients in right doses. Happiness, satisfaction, love, faith, hope, desire, understanding all together blended with my attitude is quite a tasty dish I must say. Love is how you see it and life is what you make it. Amen!

I might be getting a bit too personal on my posts oflate, but have you guys realised that we need to vent only when we are really happy or uncontrollably sad. The in between phase never gets words out. That's how it works for me. Life's been great professionally and personally but please don't be surprised if you don't get to read much about my personal life any more. Naah, not that I don't want to share but I'm seriously tired of answering to random people. I did not even know that these people knew that I own a blog space. Kinda freaks you out at times. But again, why do I care? Hell ya, its my blog and I'm gonna write what ever I want to. But I'm not going to be generous with the details though ;)

Things are looking really good and for the first time ever I'm not having a feeling that this is the calm before the storm. I don't know why but a major portion of me tells me that everything is going to be super fine from now on. Struggled and cried enough, its now time for the smiles and the joys. Hope has always been a wicked thing and I tend to not believe in it. But this time I feel like. And I will.

I'm leaving for a vacation tonight and will not be back until Monday. A road trip to Pondicherry. Yay! :D :D :D. A much much needed break from the monotony of life. Initially, I thought of staying connected to social life via the phone but then decided against it. This time a break needs to mean a break. A break from everything. And so it will be.

I promise to catch up on all the blogs when I get back. Will miss this space. So, until next time. Ta! :)