Cos you are NOT worth it

I find it really funny when the people whom I have cut out of my life come back asking me why I did so.

I'll never be the Same

After an 11 hour day at work, I now find some time to flex my muscles and an over exhausted brain. As I sit alone in my room, for some weird reason I'm having a weird tendency to look back at life and introspect. Just thinking about what I was and what I have become now. It all feels so strange, how things change so rapidly and for the better. Or so I hope.

How a social drinker turned into an almost alcoholic and then into a hardcore sober workaholic. How a love lorn girl turned into an escapist running away from the very emotion that defined her. How a dreamy eyed teenager grew into a strictly practical woman. How a casual soul turned into a thinking magnet. How a vulnerable lass turned into the strong ice maiden. How a rainbow lover turned into a black and white fanatic. How an OCD bitch turned into a haphazard queen. How a non stop talker turned into a genuine listener. How a genuine listener turned into a judgemental cynic. How a messed up creature metamorphosed into an almost sorted dame. How a people lover turned into a agnostic misanthrope.

Strange are the ways of the world, seriously. Situations bring out the best and the worst in people. I've only seen how situations affect my psyche over the past year. I've been through so much that I cannot find the old me no matter how hard I preen and look. Its like I have been forced to grow up only due to the happenings around me. Its true, success hardly means anything if there is no struggle. Well, I'm not complaining.

Today as I look at myself, I see a strong, independent, single woman with absolutely no expectations from anyone or anything, but herself. People come and people leave, they only form catalysts to bring about bouts of light and happiness here and there. But the original blueprint or framework remains me. If I stumble, life would not be worth living. And I don't intend to get there. There is a place in me where I go back to every now and then, where I get to hear the echoes in my head. It helps, in every possible way. They say that you tend to get strong only when there is no other option left. But when there are other options and yet you choose to be strong, then its quite something else altogether. And that is what I have become now and I have no intentions of going back to what I was before.

P.S: I'm thoroughly disappointed by my previous posts, based on the number of comments I've received. Come on people, show some love.
P.P.S: How's the new look? I liked the previous one better, but this mood kinda reflects my life now and I like the feeling that brightness is not far away.

Light it Up

With all the noise and smoke doing the rounds, I hope everyone is safe out there. Wishing you all a very happy and extremely safe Diwali.

Its that time of the year where you burn out all the bitter memories, let it flow into smoke and look out for new beginnings. Not breaking the norm, that is exactly what I shall do. I'd like to light up a few people like a monster rocket and let them shoo away to any other God forsaken planet. For good. I'd like to cuddle up all my bitter memories of the recent past into a giant flowerpot and watch it sparkle up before settling into dust. Ah, the satisfaction that gives! I do it every year and well life has been such that I have to do it every year. If only Murphy pays attention to someone else and wouldn't be so hell bent upon chasing the Lioness. Bring it on Murphy, its been 25 years and I'm still standing here waiting for your surprises. Now that I've won like a 7379563455 times, I think I still will. Suck up, Loser!

Over the past year, one thing that I have been extremely good at is cutting out people at the right time. It continues. When a blessed distraction turns into emotion and starts digging into your life, you know its time to burn it out. I'm a psyched out Lioness who loves to dangerous extents. The very fact that it took me about 3 years to get over a 3 year old relationship proves it. So, I've decided to stay out of anything that remotely seems like love. For my own sanity that is. Obviously no one suddenly wakes up and makes such a decision. Suddenly uncertainty blurred out and I got slapped hard by certainty. It did not turn out good, but I'm fiercely happy that it ended. It hurt exactly for 4 hours and then it was back into smiles. Damn, how I turned into an eternal optimist is something I wouldn't know. Well, who's complaining?

One more thing that I wouldn't know is that how could I get it wrong two times in a row? Inspite of being so extremely cautious I let it happen. But I'm so happy that I did not let the temptation get me. I held on instead of plunging into it headlong. The very reason that I could get out of it in such minimal time. Coming to think of it, it doesn't seem like it was love in the first place. Well now that it is over, its over. And just like last time, this time too this is not something that I'd want to look back to. It is vital to kill people in your head, to make room for new ones. Crazy logic maybe, but it works for me. Its over, and it shall stay that way. Period.

No matter what, in the end it always turns out to be fine. As I sit here all dressed up in traditional attire looking forward to the Diwali party at my best friend's place, I can only thank God for giving me the strength to get past everything in life. And by everything I mean everything. Its not been an easy ride, but I have come out of it with my head held high and with absolutely no regrets. I'm so extremely proud of myself. And there is no way that I'd get cynical about love and relationships. I'm burning out the past memories, but the romantic in me continues to live on and strong.

Enough with my rant. Damn, can anyone else get so random and still stick on to a sole topic called love. Naah, no one but me can do that! So, lets say a quick prayer and head out to burn the pain, past, darkness and bitterness from our lives. Let all our lives be only filled with light and happiness from now on. Amen!

Uncertainty

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I'm not sure what I want from the future. Or the present. I have no expectations, no fantasies. No unfulfilled dreams, no yearnings. No pain, no guilt.

This might have been a mistake, but its the most beautiful mistake of my life. The only thing that I have learnt from this mistake is that, this is something that I want to do again and again. Today, tomorrow or years later, when I look back at whatever this is I'd still feel the same. The same rush, the same thrill, the same you and the same me. There will be only one thing that is happily missing. Regret.

Uncertainty has never looked this attractive, and I'm in love with it.

Never be too Careful

I have the time to write these days, but I'm unable to get words out. I don't know what is happening. Life is good no doubt, but some glitches are blurring things out. I've learnt that, its best to never try to be too careful. A little bit of precaution is good, but I put in all my energy and focus on not getting into something. But today, at this very moment I find myself buried deep under it. I don't know why I'm finding this so funny. I was so damn careful, so very cautious; yet it happened.

Falling in love is not something you decide on, but I did everything that I could to stay away from it. The minute I found myself leaning towards it, I backed out. I did all I could to never look back at it, I even termed it as addiction. But today I know that addiction is indeed a form of love. After all, why would you want to get addicted to something that you don't love? Making sense? Yeah.

Come mid November and my travel schedule gets a bang start. I'm going to be globe trotting for quite a while it seems like. I'm going to be back here only to fly off again in sometime. I've always wanted to travel and see the world, but today as I see my travel schedule, my head reels. You need to be careful about what you ask God seriously, because at times, rare times for me, He sends a positive reply. I'm looking forward to a new place, new environment and new people. But leaving behind the old ones just when you are still contemplating on the rush of feelings is so so bad. I so want to jump in and sort things out but the Lioness pride in me doesn't let me do that. Love sure is complicated. There is a tinge of pain too, but I'm glad that I realised that it is not meant to last before I heartily jumped into it. Some consolation here.

Being alone is good. It is a strength in itself. No unnecessary responsibilities or liabilities. I realised this the day when the lines of love and lust merged into me. Expectations always hurt, be it from either side. Being ultra careful about separating lust and love did not work either. Everything in life comes together at times. And thanks to Murphy ruling my life, it all comes together at the worst possible time for me. Happiness is at its peak thanks to a constant flourishing work life, but at the same time personal life seems to be going for a toss. But again, things only happen for the better and we continue to hope.

Now that the distraction/ addiction/ love is out of my life there is more room for newer and better things. This makes me smile. At times I wonder why am I not able to break down and cry. But then again, I've done more than my share of that, that it does not seem to matter anymore. People are weird. At times they make you feel like a priority and at times like an option. Its weirdly funny because you tend to see only the happy side of it. Or rather that's all you want to see. But when it hits you one day, it hits you hard. My once healed heart now has a sharp, deep dent. I'm choosing escapism here and running away from it. I want to keep matters of the heart away from my body and life for quite sometime now. But yeah, I'm not planning on being too careful about it.

So moral of the story: Shit happens, always. Don't try to build walls around you because even if a brick comes loose, the wall comes collapsing down. Instead, open your doors and let it come in. Deal with it the way you want at the right time. That's much simpler than something coming in unexpected when you had been so careful about it. Makes you feel like a fool to be honest. That's when you see all your life's philosophies crumbled and stranded on the ground contributing to more shit.

Someone rightly said, "At times the best thing you can do when you find love again, is to walk away"

But can we remain friends? Only time will tell, especially when both have decided to walk away to different paths.

Repost: Murderer

This old post of mine remains an eternal favorite. The reason being that the moment that I wrote this was the most painful moment of my life. This post has all my tears, feelings and blood embedded into it. I was accused of being unfaithful in the most sadistic manner ever. He sent me the song 'Unfaithful' by Rihanna, complete with the video and lyrics and told me that presently its his favorite song. I was already heart broken and this just crushed me. I did not write this to defend myself, I just wrote this to vent out my pain. I did not even want to publish it, but when I did people loved the post. It seemed funny that my pain was being appreciated. I even won an award for this on bloggertown. Today, 'Unfaithful' started playing on shuffle on my ipod and I was so reminded of that day. Hence, the re-post.

I was never unfaithful
I never wanted to see you hurt
All I wanted was
For you to realise my worth

How could I rejoice in
Seeing you die
Dead I'd rather be
Than to see you cry

You're more than a man
Your the reason why I live
You're my heart n soul
For whom my love I'll give

Its all in your mind
That I'm happy with someone else
You don't see my heart bleed
You don't see my craving eyes

I walked away
Cos you dint need me
I never lied to you
My truth you couldn't see

I know its too late
To simplify things
To understand us better
And our love for each other

I see you hurt
Cant see it anymore
So I've locked my feelings
And left it ashore

I just wish you happiness
And love for life
Lucky will be the one you love
The one who'll be your wife

I would never give up
On something I love
But something which is not mine
No point of having hope

I'm the one
Who is dead inside
Feelings are something
Which will never subside

I'd rather slit myself
Than to put a gun to your head
Before I see a frown on you
I'd gladly prefer to be dead

For today, tomorrow
Or any day other
Just remember
I can never be a murderer

Half the things written in this poem don't make sense to me anymore. The best part is that today as I read this, I feel nothing but relief. A relief that, this shall never be a part of my life again. Nobody ever again is going to make me feel this bad. No matter what, I'm never gonna let it get there. Never again.

Its a Wonderful Life

Need I say more? This is the most happiest phase of my life. For the first time ever things are going exactly the way I want them too. Rather the way I saw them happening. You may not have missed someone, but you know that he is special when there is a big smile on your face and a relief in your heart the minute you see him again. It is a very care free and happy feeling. Nothing more, nothing less. This is the way I wanted it to be. This is the way it is.

Happiness is a state of mind I agree, but without beautiful things around its difficult to get into that state. No complaints. I'm surrounded by beautiful things and beautiful people and life looks more beautiful than ever. Love is slowly growing and this feeling is nothing short of awesomeness. Love for life, love for small things, love for him.

I've got nothing more to say. Life as I see it now, is wonderful.

Understanding Basics

You know that its going to be a good day when you wake up with a smile thinking about the conversation you had with a special someone just before drifting off to sleep. Sigh, life's super good. No complaints, no demands. I know I've not been able to write more often these days. What to do, I happen to have a very busy work life and a way too adventurous personal life. Its a pity that I'm not jobless on a Sunday morning to sit and lash out on other people and count the number of posts a fellow blogger has written on a certain topic. Anyway since writing about their life is not getting them any comments or followers this sure is a desperate and easy way to get some. It probably would have helped if they had the sense to see the number next to the tag instead. But now that they lead a boring life I'm sure they'd do anything to kill time.

Well I'm here today and I happen to see that my beloved LOL has crossed a 60,000 views and has more than 150 followers. Woohoo, am I glad or am I glad. Its nice to feel appreciated. Really nice. Appreciation is a kind of feeling that is a catalyst for living. Its gives you a much needed boost every single time. Its a different and worthwhile feeling. Its sad that some people would never understand that. Also, there are a lot of other feelings which not everyone can comprehend.

Lets take the basic example of love. How hard is it to understand that. Well not to a full extent but obviously most of us have a clue about what it can be. I'm not talking about love between a guy and a girl here. All kinds. Now I'll tell you the kind of people who will never understand the concept of love no matter what. If your foster parents picked you up a stinky roadside garbage bin and have treated you like filth ever since, there is no way you would understand what love is. After all, you can only understand what you see or get right? They say that people who have no clue about their actual bloodline turn out to be demented. Seems about right. If you are enduring the tortures of your so called boyfriend eyeing his riches, then there is no way you can understand the emotion called love. If you are living in with an ugly middle aged man hoping that someday he will take you up the corporate ladder, then love definitely doesn't exist in your dictionary. While we are at it, so doesn't self respect.

Next comes my recently favorite sin, lust. Very few people get this and it is more often than not mistaken for love. The usual people who don't get this are the ones who are anything but attractive. To feel or understand lust, you need to be attractive or atleast be surrounded by attractive people. If you are shacking up with an old squint guy then there is no way you can begin to understand lust. If you claim to be a virgin mary and look at guys only like a bread winner of the family, lust would be the last thing on your mind. Lust for money might sound appealing to such people. When induced in the right amounts and if you are not crossing the line of ethical morals, lust can be magical.

Hate is the emotion I feel strongly about and for a very few people. If you are being hated there is a rhyme and reason for it. There is no pride in walking with your head held high knowing that everyone around hates you for a very valid reason. If you are right, hold on to the so called pride. Else it is called nothing but living in denial. If you don't like being hated then do something about it. If you do like it, then well you sure as hell deserve it.

Envy too is a very common emotion and is prevalent in all. I've always believed in, if you have it flaunt it. Most people who feel jealous about others are the ones who feel they lack something. Ofcourse I get envious too. But I don't blame people because they have something that I don't. Not everyone are blessed with the same resources. Its about how you handle what you have got. Simple. Healthy jealousy is good, gives you something to work on. But turning green eyed and cursing someone because you don't have it sounds like you suffer from a serious case of inferiority complex.

These basic emotions if present in the right doses can make living life a smooth chore.

Its nice to be back. I definitely did miss this place.