One-Liners

Supremely hilarious and surprisingly it all makes sense.

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
• Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
• Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
• Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
• Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.