Just when I thought that things were getting better, Life decides to take a sharp 'U' turn. Things have got more messier (if that was possible), and I'm the only one who is solely responsible for it. Its just that as the dates approach 18th, somethings breaks within me. I can feel the sharp sting inside and I just lose my mind. Its during this time that my attempts at damage control gets more worse than the damage itself.
I've not been in a very clear state of mind since last week. My vacation has been cancelled, I'm loaded with work until March and I was down with food poisoning since 2 days, which has left me all weak and emaciated. I had to skip work for 2 days, to get some good rest. My parents couldn't get an off and I was left all alone at home. I couldn't surf the net because I was not supposed to strain my eyes, I couldn't read (same reason again). All I could do was lie down and think. And that's what I did. Just when I was thinking about everything in my life, Dad, knowing that I was too exhausted to retaliate, brought up the dreaded 'Marriage' talk. Now that my sister has turned a year older, he wants her to settle down. Fair enough. But whats not fair is that he wants me to settle down within a year after she does. I was like, WTF. So that would give me 2 or max 3 years. But dad has always been my weakness and I can never say an outright no to him. After all he's one among the 2 men whom I love the most in the world. I told him that I'll think about it. And now the time has come for some serious thinking.
Life has been pathetic and I'm not in a very sound mind since the past 15-16 months. I thought that people around me were the only ones who noticed how unhappy I was but I was bummed when a stranger approached me in a coffee shop a few days ago and asked me the same. So, this guy just came upto me when I was waiting for my girls in a coffee shop. First thing he tells is that, 'You have really lovely eyes and a beautiful smile'. I was obviously flattered but considering that he was a stranger, I decided to end it with a thank you. But before I could say something, he said 'But there is a problem with you'. I could only manage a confused look. He then says, 'When you smile, your eyes don't smile.' and leaves. I had forgotten that incident until a few days back. I stood in front of the mirror and asked myself if I was that unhappy that even strangers can notice it. Its not a good thing.
The past 15-16 months has been emotionally taxing and has completely broken me down. However I tried my best, not to get shattered. But now I guess its too late. Shattered and bruised is how my current state of mind is. At this point I had only 2 options. One, to give it all up and end it once and forever. Two, to be strong and fight and try to mend up things. I chose the latter. I need to pick up the shattered bits of life and sort it out. Obviously this is not going to happen overnight. I need time to figure out things, considering the fact that I have very few years left. Its really funny because a couple of years ago, I had a plan chalked out. From the guy I wanted to marry, to the names of my 2 children had been planned. And I always thought that things went wrong for people who dint have a plan. How foolish was I.
Now I need to decide if I have to have faith in my love, or give love a second chance or directly jump into a compromise (read 'Arranged Marriage'). Or I need to come up with an excuse that will get me out of this even if its temporary. Higher studies is the best option. But in what I don't get it. Psychology, Literature, Journalism, all these appeal to me but I need to narrow it down soon. So by now you all would have got it that how conked up I am. I need time to sort out things. I don't know when and how I am going to do it. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I want to do it or not. Somehow running away from such stuff seemed easy, but now I need to face it and make decisions. Its my life after all and not a movie.
In my current state of mind, anything that I do, say or post is going to be utter rubbish. I don't want to repent for things I did in an unsound state of mind. So I'm taking a break. Quite a long one to sort out the broken pieces of life. I just hope God gives me the strength and sense to figure things out. So take care guys and do pray for me. I will be back soon, as a better person and with better posts. Until then, Its break time..!!