Every up always has a down side. Why am I the lucky one who gets to learn such things the hardest way possible. Or is it just that you can only learn things the hard way? Whatever it is, I get to learn something new every time. But to get there, the pain and angst you need to go through is like a short trip down hell. Is it worth it? I'm not too sure.
I've changed yes. But it was a conscious decision as I wanted to better myself and not repeat the mistakes I've done in the past two years. The biggest turn off about me was my temper. My anger has driven me to do things that has turned my life upside down in the past. Obviously not in a good way. I'm a very impulsive person. But that mixed with a flaring temper is not one of the best combos. You're hurt, want to get back at someone, the anger builds up, you want to see the other person hurt, anger builds up more, you end up doing something totally illogical and irrational, the plan works, the other person is hurt beyond repair, you realise it was not worth it and finally regret and cry. Root Cause : ANGER.
My main aim was to get that out. I worked hard on it. Meditation, belief in God and yoga helped me get over it. Today I'm a very calm person almost unaffected by anything that comes my way. I'm very happy the way I am now. My friends are shocked to see me this way but they love me more now I'm sure. Its not that I cant get angry, I just don't want to. I don't let anything affect me enough to get me flared up. I stay calm and put up with anything people around me do. Kinda laid back you can say.
The downside: People take you for granted and how. They probably think that no matter how much shit you give this person, she's gonna take it. They lash out their frustrations at you and later they expect a "sorry" to make up for it. Don't care for you when they should and later expect a "Sorry, I dint realise things were so bad" to do the trick. Its fine at times but when people who actually matter to you do that, its plain agony. What to do in such situations is something I can never figure out. I do try to maintain a balance between the upside and downside but sometimes its hard to get it right.
When you decide to change, I think we need to think it through properly. Being used, and being taken for granted is probably the worst feeling ever. And when you decide to do something and lash out, the other person gets hurt and you end up with the goddamned residue, Guilt. Ah Guilt, the feeling when you see all fingers around you pointed at you. Sucks! I'll save this topic for later.