Yesterday clearly has been one of the toughest days of my life. The previous night I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night over a bad dream. I dreamt that someone close to me had passed away and I'm crying loudly. From that point on I've been seeing invisible visions of everyone I love going away from me. I'm only human and this is natural. And hence the 'Turn me Blind' post. It was written out of pure frustration and unadulterated madness. The accompanying mood swings didn't help it either. So I'd be staying away from blogspot during my mad mood swings or anything like frustration galore. Although I feel relieved when I write it first, I feel extremely stupid when I go back and read it later. Its happened way too many times before and I think the time has come for it to stop. And the time starts now!
So I was talking about the damned dream that I had. But when I woke up I realized that what I had felt was a deja-vu. An aunt of mine had passed away that very morning. Spooky! Although she was not a blood relative, she was a very close family friend and like how my mother says, she has known me since I was in my mother's womb. So that's pretty close I guess. So that was enough to upset me for the entire day where my frustrations had to be borne by my friends, co-workers, parents and my blog. So I was thinking how on earth do I put an end to all this. I've always had people telling me that I think too much. How do I stop that? I wished that I was a robot or something, so that I can switch on/off relevant buttons.
I always sit with my mom when I'm going through something bad. I may not tell her, but just lying down on her lap makes me forget everything momentarily. She knew I was upset over something. She just told me one thing; "There are a lot of people in this world, who experience joy when you are low. There are a lot of people who wait to see you unhappy. There are a lot of people who get a thrill when you are hurt; No matter what happens don't let them succeed." I totally agree. I recently stumbled upon a few best friends who actually felt happy when I was extremely hurt. When you have such friends, who needs foes? Forget consoling, they sure know to dig where it hurts. Again and again and again.
It was then I decided that I don't need to be a robot to feel or stop feeling things. I myself am gonna mentally configure an "OFF" Button on myself. I was never abnormal, demented or crazy, I am just a woman madly in love. Many would still say that they are the same. I would too.
I am not gonna take anything to heart from now on. I'm gonna live life one day at a time. F*** the future. I'll have one of those only if I have a present right? So the off button comes into place now. I tried it at work and it worked brilliantly. Seriously, life is much better when you decide that you don't care. Whatever happens, happens for a reason right? Well there better be a great reason somewhere. I'm not gonna bother about the mood swings either. I'm gonna swing them back to the right path.
Ta da. Actions of the off button.
-- Annoying co-worker : Off -- Leching neighbor : Off -- Work related stress : Off -- Ignorance of parents : Off -- Super protective sister : Off -- Sad music and tears : Off -- Howling and crying : Off -- Hypocrites : Off -- Cynics : Off (Excluding me that is. I am one, I agree. But only on one regard) -- Expectations : Off -- People suffering from reverse ADD(A post on this soon) : Off -- Manipulating friends : Off -- Sad poetry : Off -- Friends who enjoy my distress : Off Off Off -- Feelings : Click. This is when the button broke!
I have been getting a lot of complaints from people regarding the new template. Although everyone loved it, they say that they are not able to leave a comment due to the new layout. On doing some trial and error I figured out that the error occurs at the word verification page.
Normally I would have changed the template, but I'm way too much in love with this one to get rid of it so easily. So I've done some modifications so that the word verification step is skipped, and you people will be directly able to post the comments after signing in.
I received a few comments now and I reckon its working fine. So people please go ahead and leave your comments. Sorry for the inconvenience caused. So much for that damned coffee cup. Hmmph!!
If any of you face any more problems, please do write to me at the usual firstname.lastname@example.org. I'll try to fix it, else I'll get rid of the template altogether. After all my viewers are more important than anything I fancy!
Just when I was getting used to the solitude, the mind kicked in. I had made a compromise with life, accepting to take anything that comes my way as long as the people I care about are happy. It was a deal I had with God. God seemed to be more than happy with this arrangement and showered me with crap in the form of stress, ill health, anxiety, fake friends, annoying people, additional work, pain, pain and more pain. I put up with all of it, not complaining once. Not asking for anything else.
But everything seems to be going awry now. The mind is the most terrible place to be in. The visions I'm seeing of late have left me paralysed. Its like being plunged by a million knives at a million places. Before I realize the pain in one place, I get another spasm. Aren't anti-depressants supposed to work? They don't seem to be working anymore. My mind is taking a course of its own and my heart is helplessly watching, killing me on the outside. The visions I'm seeing has left me sleep deprived. They are not out of my mind for a second. They seem to be following me everywhere slowly oozing life out of me. I'm turning into a zombie. I can't recognise the face I see in the mirror anymore. My worst fear seems to be coming true. I can sense an approaching breakdown.
The madness croons, I want to scream; I want this to end, Like some scary dream.
The pain stabs, Choking every breath; How do I live? Should I long for death?
Should I continue? This losing battle for love; Should I hold on? Or just give up now?
I'm perplexed, As I stand alone; Waiting for something, That is long gone.
Is this what I deserve? Pangs of disappointment? Is this how I'll live? Is there room for atonement?
I'm so tired, That I could collapse; I'm exhausted, Heading towards a relapse.
I see darkness, Nothing seems to be lit; Trying hard to hold on, But slowly, I'm losing it.
In a hazy pool I peer and peer I think I see you there Your breath I can hear Amidst the cloud of smoke I see your faint shadow My eyes cant believe if its true Is that really you?
Its warm all around I'm engulfed in your soot Show yourself to me Don't be so mute As I grope thin air I feel your touch on my hand And then you turn around All beautiful there you stand
The intoxicating smoke Feels like fragrance now Binding us together Like how once it was love I can taste the smoke As your lip finds mine Its feels bitterly good Even finer than fine
The hot burning stick Still remains in your hold Streaks of smoke have replaced me Or so I'm told I can care no less Cos for you I'd give up my beliefs Flaming, burning or smoking For you I'd put up with all griefs
There we stand still None of us even spoke But if this is how we meet I can wish for more smoke
There are sequels to book, sequels to movies. We all know that I'm a bit unconventional so I'm bringing up a sequel to my earlier poem. This poem has been very close to my heart. It gave me the confidence to continue my poetry and according to me its one my best till date. And like any book or movie, the prequel is always better than the sequel.
Feeling blue, I seem to move on without a clue; Fighting my way through things, And mingling with the old and new.
Feeling green, Finally realising what love does mean; Its all about patience and hope, If you want it to bring a sheen.
Feeling yellow, Life is like a sweet journey through jello; At times it sounds rough and scary, And at times its like the tunes of a cello.
Feeling red, As I lie musing upon my bed; It all feels like a crumpled jumble, That has to be held together by a thread.
Feeling lime, Life seems to be chanting a chime; I wanna live to the fullest, I will cos its surely not a crime.
Feeling white, It the end its all turns alright; Its up to me to paint my life, And I'm gonna make it a worthful sight.
Feeling brown, Miseries are to learn and not drown; Need to learn to laugh at yourself, And sometimes to jest like a clown.
Feeling pink, Love is something that needs to be in sync; You need to constantly work at it, Else it all disappears in a blink.
Feeling gray, I want this sinking feeling to go away; I want to pave way for happy thoughts, And when sun shines, I'll make hay.
Feeling gold, I need to make myself strong and bold; Learn to successfully adapt to situations, And be prepared to fit into any mould.
Feeling black, I'm saving up my love stack by stack; Because no matter what I do or say, There is only thing that I still lack.
He ran, swift like the wind. She only caught a glimpse of him. He seemed to be teasing her, as he skipped across and around her. He was extremely agile, fleeting through the thin air. He moved in rapid, hasty motions refusing to let her steal a look. It seemed beyond belief to her, almost vampire'ish. Even when he was out of sight, she could hear his breath. His heart beat. It was the most beautiful rhythm she had heard. She strained her eyes to look into the darkness. She could hear him but not see. He giggled, on seeing her frustration. That was music to her ears. She smiled. She felt a warm gust of wind as he just brushed right behind her. She felt his touch. Cold, really cold. Somehow it seemed to warm her. It enveloped her, leaving her longing for more.
She could feel him behind her. Was this really happening? She felt a warm light around her, penetrating , piercing. And then she turned around. There was nothing but the dark. Still. No motion.
She ran, blindly into the night. Never wanting once to escape this quagmire. She felt fettered, but his breath held her on. She dragged along the invisible path, searching, trying to hold him. All she found was thin air. She fell, and she heard a choke. Yes, he was watching her! She knew he was near, very near. And then she saw the faint trace of the bright light she has seen earlier. She felt powerful. Engulfed in a hazy trance. She took baby steps, following the light. He seemed to lead her to someplace. It didn't matter. She was more than willing to be led. Hypnotised, charmed.
Slowly the light disappeared and she was lost. Again. The wind blew her hair and suddenly for once she felt the fear. Then he was right behind her, digesting her presence. He ran his cold fingers down her arm. She felt the chill. He breathed right into her hair, devouring the fragrance. He pushed her hair back craving to reach his favorite place, the slope of her neck. He lowered his mouth down to it and she waited for the sting. The shrill pain. It did sting, but only deep in her heart. It was like she was waiting for this moment all her life. She stood paralyzed, as he stepped in front of her, to face her. Enthralled, she looked up at him in the now glowing light.
There he stood in all his glory. He was one of the most beautiful things that she had ever seen. She raised her hand to his face. She ran her slender fingers down his chiseled cheek and sharp chin. Only wanting to know that the moment was real. It felt like heaven, immense pleasure. He stood gazing at her with his deep eyes trying to penetrate her soul. As she held his gaze she felt weak in her knee. Possessed. This, this is all she wanted. He was all that she wanted. He blew her hair away from her face. He held her strong at her waist never wanting to let her go. He ran his lips across her cheeks. Enchanted. She held him tight, wanting to surrender. The mild cold breeze was still there. Non platonic. He now looked right into her dark eyes and felt her lips. Then time stood still.
I'm bored. Damn bored. My beloved system at work has been following its owner and is acting all disoriented. It seems to be booting, rebooting, booting, rebooting in an infinite loop. Strange are the ways of technology!
Anyway, been ages since I wrote some heart felt poetry. I just got into my musing mode and out this came. Ah well, you never know. The mind still works :D
As I wake up to his reflection, The sun seems to shine bright; I can't help but smile, Somehow it all feels right.
It all stands strong, Across a twilight dim; Others may have seen angels, But I'm content having seen him.
A bell is not a bell, Until you can ring it; You cannot know what love is, Until you have felt it.
Time is too slow for those who wait, Too fast for those who fear; But time seems worthwhile, Only when you have someone near.
Whatever our souls are made of, His and mine are of the same; This one is never called off, Even if love was a game.
He's the poetry to my senses, And the shape of my soul; Its all been already written, Now you just have to play the role.
Things may seem different, But there always will be the essence; Sometimes I feel that, I'm just fascinated by his presence.
Tried out a new format too, but I kinda like the routine old stuff better!
At times, the silliest of things brings with it cart loads of realisations. Why am I doing this? Why do I have to do this? Why do I put up with people whom I hardly care about? Why should I be answerable to anyone? I'm 24 years old. Strong, independent and confident. Foolish at times, but I've always found my way around things. The arrogance in me which is long gone, refuses to come back. Even for the right reasons. Patience, sigh! I can't figure out when and how I conquered it. At times I wonder why too. Have I reached the saturation point? Have I reached a stage where nothing is gonna bother me anymore?
Seriously, I need to be the one who should be capable of answering these questions. I just cant digest the questions, let alone try to answer them. I thought the change was for good. Or maybe it is good and that I just need to strike a balance between the pre-change and post-change. Maybe I just need to weigh out the right's and wrong's properly. I guess that's what it is.
Every written word in this space is my thoughts alone. Do not try to relate it to your life and create a scene in my circles. Believe me, if I wanted to write about someone who has wronged me, I'd write a story and kill that person off in the first line. As grotesquely as possible.
Stop making assumptions. But hey, if the shoe fits, lace up the bitch and wear it!