Things seem fine now. For the moment at least. Lots of distractions and loads of responsibilities. There are friends, new fascinations, intriguing people, acquaintances and enough good things to be able to sustain a heart beat or a breath of air. But, there always is something in the back ground. It was a stab before but now it has been replaced by a tiny sharp prick. Not that bad, but still there.
Such things make you vulnerable. Unwanted comparisons, scrutinizing self and others life, thinking too deep about everything and self pity. Life seems better at the surface. The more you dig the more shit you get and the more stench.
Can't we do a reverse Pandora's box here? Collect all our troubles, mistakes and agonies and put it in this box and bury it somewhere deep where no one can find it? No. There always is someone who digs it out and leaves it back at your doorstep. The way some people try to point out tiny glitches in your life, you feel like you are paying them for all this. But I guess that's how the world works. If you can't get it out of your life, I think we need to at least try to get it out of our minds. I'm trying.
Problems, stress and negativity is always gonna be there, but at the end of the day you got just one life to live. Things don't affect you unless you want them to. Or so they say. I don't know how to do that. I so want to learn that. But until then I'm not letting myself be vulnerable anymore. I've dragged myself out of the dark pit with great difficulty and painful courage, only to find myself be standing at the precipice again. Worse, this time I don't see the reason why I am here. I thought things were fine. I really did.
Was I forcefully trying to be happy? No, I genuinely was. Things were/are going great. I'm bonding big time with my friends, things are great at home, I'm finally feeling content. Things are a bit sucky at work, I'm trying my best to get out of there but the 90 days notice period has caused me to be a prisoner there. Just hoping that soon, something else will come along. Career has always been a priority yes, but not to the extent that it stays on my mind 24x7. Then why this turmoil I never understand.
Whatever it be, I need to not put myself in that vulnerable spot anymore. It weakens your core while the exterior seems fine. Not anymore. Even if I have to get myself to be emotionally blind I'll do that. Damn it, I was so happy in the 'Nothing matters anymore' zone that I was dwelling in, that I did not see this coming. Now that I have, I need to do something. Cannot get into the 'D' zone again. I have the strength, I have the will. But where's the way?