The Miracle called 2011


And we're back!! :D

No no I had not disappeared anywhere. 2011 has been so super duper good that I was just sitting back and watching life flow exactly the way I wanted it to. You may feel that I'm exaggerating but when you've lived a series of crappy years and then suddenly find everything going your way, the thrill is unexplainable. I've waited months and years to get this feeling and now that I'm here, I want to dwell here forever. Never ever looking back again. I've lived 25 years without any regret or guilt and this is how I shall live the rest of my life.

2011 has been the bestest year of my life. 2005 showed me the beauty of love and 2011 has taught me the importance of it. 2006 brought out the woman in me and 2011 showed me that its not bad to bring out the child in me at times. 2007 made me serious about life and 2011 taught me to take life with a pinch of salt. 2008 brought out patience in me and 2011 showed me how to implement it.

2009 made me cynical about love and relationships and 2011 had me witnessing that love can happen more than once and that at times you can get it right. 2010 broke the bubble and told me that its okay to dream and 2011 had me living those dreams. 2011 clearly marks a milestone in the quarter of a life that I've led. It made me a near perfect person and gave me a reason to believe that what I am today is only a result of the past years and hence to never regret anything.

Woh kehte hai na, jo hota hai achche ke liye hota hai. Sahi kehte hai.

And being the eternal optimist that I am, I'm sure 2012 will only bring pleasant surprises for me. Love has knocked more than once the past year and I hope to get to the phase to embrace it wholeheartedly in 2012. Things are rewarding at the work place and I'm sure I'll get more successful the next year. Health has been good and I pray I shall get into better shape next year. Well, to cut a long story short, 2011 has been an amazing year and I have my fingers crossed for 2012.

2011 has been a year of smiles, let 2012 be a year of laughter.

Last post for 2011 people, I'm off to have a wonderful start to 2012. Shall see you in the bright shiny new year!

Last Night


Last night, was true madness. Nothing on the mind except you. Every sense forgotten and all of it culminating into tiny bubbles of happiness. Like the prism of white that broke into droplets of colors bouncing along with the echos of our laughter.

Last night, was sheer pleasure. Ecstasy would have been an understatement, the way you touched me. Driving me to crazy extremes wanting me to scream until I hear the clouds crack above me, breaking into a storm and covering the rising sun to reveal a rainbow that seems to cover the shame that eluded us.

Last night, was meant to happen. The games, the need, the hide and seek was happening for way too long without even us realising it. Perhaps, the unknown feelings were built up in such a way that they had to erupt into hot lava soaking us and leaving us to witness the massive volcano called love.

Last night, was intoxicating. Every word gave a high and every kiss blew my mind. Like wine you spread through my veins taking me for a stroll across the land where only we were meant to be. Which was for you. Which was for me. You and me. This word is enough to put any other drug in the world to shame. Us.

Last night, was Nirvana. When every movement guarantees pleasures, when every word thrills the core, when every memory brings a smile, when every touch triggers a chill, you know that this is all you want from life. Like a moth to a flame, I flap my butterfly wings and come to you, because I know this is the place I want to be. This is the place where I shall find you. This is the place where I shall find love. This is the place where I shall find myself. This is the place where I found salvation.

Last night, was pure love. Concoctions of feelings being poured, drowning us both deep into each other. The playful tone adding to the smiles, giving way to expressions that we have seen and heard before. But then, we felt it. Neither of us know who poisoned the other, but while we are at it, lets die together.

Did it Hurt?

The journey from friends to lovers
To being all calm and then going wild
Us was all that I wanted from life
As together we laughed and smiled

You my love, were my reason of being
I gave up everything and myself for you
Joy and happiness were only words
Until you came and made life anew

Then came the time I had to move away
As your love and trust came crumbling down
Day after day you kept punishing me
Culminating colors into a filthy brown

When in doubt why dint you let me go
Why did you lock me within and shut the gate
Even when we were making passionate love
You seemed to be making hurtful hate

Pain and anger you showered on me
What not did I do to prove my love
When your feelings were blinded by insecurity
Why did you not discard me like a dirty glove

When I walked out, it left you shocked
What made you think torture I'd bear
I may have loved you with heart and soul
But love doesn't grow minus some care

You then claimed to have moved on
Told me stories about a prospective bride
Did you know what that put me through
I cried for days and then almost died

You kept coming back with the bait of love
Every time I attempted to survive
You were killing me from deep within
Keeping only my body alive

You were not mine but held me as yours
Amongst the hatred, loyalty was your seek
Just when I felt strong without you
You plunged right back in to make me weak

Years after years of destroying me
You came back to see the joy in the remains
It must have been disappointing I'm sure
Instead, when you saw new love in my veins

You said I robbed you of your love
And that all your feelings went in vain
The only thing that I stole from you
Is your pleasure of seeing me in pain

I'm sorry I dint let you watch me die
Instead I buried my love for you in dirt
Then you found out I'm with someone else
So tell me, did it hurt?

Hope, Blessings & Crap

3 flights, 19 hours of travel, a 4 hour wait at the Chatrapati Shivaji International Airport, Mumbai (which by the way, sucks to the core!), an hour wait at the beautiful and enormous Dubai International Airport, sleep deprived and jet lagged, I arrived at Accra. My home for the next 30 days. For those who don't know, Accra is the capital city of Ghana in West Africa. Not the place I had in mind for my first ever international travel, but after a week here I have no complaints. The place is beautiful in its own way and the Sterling group of hotels where I'm staying in, more than makes up for it. And so does the 6 figure income that I shall get out of this.

The people here are extremely friendly and helpful. The city resembles Bangalore in every way with congested traffic and huge buildings. Minus the pricking hot weather during the day, I have nothing negative to say about this place. Until now atleast. I'm loving the place I stay, the people I meet and the work I'm doing. How a jean and T-shirt clad girl turned into a respected corporate consultant in pencil skirts and high heels working directly with the clients is an achievement for me. I love what I am doing here but I never thought I'd get this serious about work. But now, that seems to be the only thing in mind. 16 hours a day go into work and I have no regrets. I love every minute of my life today. *Smiles*

A week here and nothing else has changed. The time difference does take a toll and I try my best to stay in regular touch with my parents, friends and that someone special out there. At times it is hard to believe that he actually stays up till 2.30 am everyday just to talk to me. It is 9 pm for me here and that's when I get out of my work and when I'm free. He makes sure I get back safe, talks to me while I prepare my dinner, waits until I finish eating and then lulls me to sleep. Yeah I'm blessed, I know. *Smiles again*

A few blogger pals updated me on a certain purple dino writing crap about me. Ah well, like Phoebe says 'Dinosaurs, dragons.. Potato, Potahto'. I couldn't care less and like how they said, my pretty eyes have much more better things to read and see. I'm famous in the real world and when someone is trying to defame me in the virtual world, how does that even matter. It obviously is the other way for them, trying to get famous by ranting about other bloggers. Ah well, can't blame them. Like I once said before, people who have gone through serious trauma early in their life tend to get demented. Haven't you all heard about the 'Red Dragon'? Do you need more proof? Oh wait, oh wait, finally the code is cracked. Now I get the significance of the dragon. Perhaps, its a universal thing. *Laughs out loud*

Its really funny about how such people think they are so smart for the world and go yapping about their friends, weddings and scenarios, maybe intentionally ignoring the truth. Just so they know, the wedding at which you thought you looked really hot draped around in 6 yards of cheap polyester dirty white cloth, the bride told the rest of us "What is she doing here?". Ditto with my best friend, whom you think was a good friend of yours whom you lost, at whose wedding you turned up with both pati and woh. I guess now the poor octopus is dead again with the entire dragon family existing at work. And the next time you go to visit a newly wedded couple at their home, just do that. Visit, and fuck off. Don't make them cook lunch for you, eat it, romance your partner on their couch, make them cook dinner for you and pack it so that you can take it home. In such scenarios it so happens that the husband will tell his newly wedded bride to not invite any of her friends home. Well, it happened. And you only successfully managed to tick more people off when she called teary eyed to let us know.

Its about time you wipe the spit of your juniors from your face and look clearly as to what other people whom you claim to be important to you, think about you. I am 6000 miles away and yet I know about everything happening there. And you know what I don't ask for it, this comes to me from eager people around wanting to let me know. I just brush it off as unwanted information. But, if you tend to tick me off the wrong way you'd surely get it back. Stay away from my space and I'd do the same. You started the rant on blogosphere, inviting troubling for fame. I must thank you for one thing though, you have sure been a constant source of our entertainment for quite sometime now. It is a long file, else I sure would have attached the list of PJs we have about the "delivery" you do. Just so you know its not only me, its the whole world out there.

Well well, I don't let things bother me anymore. Looking out from my window I see the bright sun glistening over the crystal clear pool, and that's how my life has been for almost a year now.

Oh yeah, 2011 has been good. And I'm sure 2012 will be better.

Hope is a good thing. A real good thing.

But..

For once, it all seems right.
For once, there are only smiles.
For once, the brain is not over exercised.
For once, there is happiness.
For once, there is contentment.
For once, there is understanding.
For once, there is comfort.
For once, there are true feelings.
For once, there is absolute pleasure.
For once, there is peace.
For once, it seems perfect.
For once, there is everything.
For once, this is exactly what I wanted.

This seems to be the answer to all my questions.

But, it can never happen. Not even for once.

Life's Good
























A matter of Time

Pain, agony, more words I can use
A part of life is for getting hurt
How would you know the beauty of fire
If you don't get a little burnt

If there are smiles today
They may not be around tomorrow
No body can peek into the future
And predict their joys and sorrow

Nothing hurts more than love
But what is living without it
Its all about taking chances
Even if you end up hurt a bit

Like the smiles, the hurt won't last
Life is like a wave of sine
Somedays it is rock bottom crap
While at times it is sparkling wine

Hope and faith go a long way
Everything is temporary here
When living gets spent by the day
Why do you want to buy fear?

Paranoia is a birth right
Nobody can escape this one
Dusk always leads to dawn
No matter what, you still see the sun

Count life by the seconds
Look for happiness inside of you
Let aside the shabby past
Make room for the bright new

Time is a healthy medicine
Even if the doses are long
After the struggling battle
You emerge out more strong

Winning is not everything
Its the lesson you take
It ain't tough to sail in bad weather
If not a ship, a raft you shall make

It may be the worst phase ever
Life might be spilt into a scatter
It is all a matter of time
Someday, this will hardly matter

More of an Itch

I've always thought that some people were a colossal pain the neck. But now I have a much lower opinion of them.

I don't know why is it so hard for some people to mind their own business. Opinions are like ass holes. Everyone has one and it usually stinks. When I don't trouble others with my opinions then why should they? Believe me I have more opinions than one on everything around but that is only between me and me. I don't offer unnecessary advice, until asked. I don't poke my nose even into my loved ones lives. I know that they are sensible enough atleast to get past each day.

Sarcasm is my super power. I'm known to fabricate my words well enough so that it can be taken with a sense of humor. Well, if people don't get sarcasm then its a total waste of time. That's when the bluntness comes out and more often than not I end up being judged as rude. Well if you don't want a sarcastic answer, then please don't ask a stupid question.

Thanks to regular yoga and meditation I've managed to keep my anger under wraps very well. But at times no matter how patient you are, some people and things can still be a pain in the butt.

~ The pigeons on my neighbours roof which go 'Brrrr, brrrr, gttttrr, gtrrrr' at 5 am every morning. I've shooed them away n number of times. Now, I'm seriously considering getting myself a gun.

~ The annoying girl who is in love with my best friend and he doesn't give a damn. She hates me to the bone cos he is always with me. She never leaves a chance to give me an update on him and I try my best to act like I'm hearing it for the first time. Woman, I know him 500% more than you do. So please you can skip the notification bit. You only hear about it, but I get to see it.

~ My company bus driver who always stops the bus 10 feet away from where I'm standing. The next day if I stand 10 feet ahead, he stops at where I was standing the previous day. The crazy moron thinks that I don't work out and its his responsibility to get me to do some exercise by making me run back and forth the bus with my back pack.

~ My sister who always has to know everything about what is happening in my life. Whom I'm dating, where I am going and what I am doing. Where each guy in my life stands seems to be her favorite question which is asked like about 345678 times a day. I'm 25 years old, grown up enough to take care of my own life. Sigh, if only elders understood.

~ The newly married chick who sits opposite to my cubicle and talks mush to her husband on the speaker phone. I now know the intricate details of her marriage including the date, time, venue and their everyday plans and what she plans to do when her husband comes home every night. Talk about unwanted information.

~ My ex friend who seems to pop up at the worst of times asking me why don't I love him and what does 'he' have that he doesn't seem to. I once said 'me' to put an end to it forever. But some people as I said never get sarcasm, and the question is asked again and again.

~ The fool working in the next company who waits for me in the smoking zone and pesters me for my phone number everytime he sees me. I changed zones, did not help. He might just be the reason as to why I quit smoking.

~ My network at work which only seems to go down just as I'm about to click on the 'Submit' button. The damned site does not have a auto save feature which makes me redo the half n hour amount of work I just did.

~ The security watchman at my apartment gate who gives me weird looks each time my friend drops me home. Apparently he's been complaining to my parents that a so and so guy comes home to drop me and all that blah. WTF is his problem I don't know.

~ This friend of mine who is extremely caring but at times gets into the super mushy mode and starts calling me 'bachcha'. I don't know why, but that word annoys the hell outa me. 'Beta' is cute, but 'bachcha' is extremely creepy.

Such people/ things are like a leech stuck onto the butt draining life out of you slowly but steadily.

Cos you are NOT worth it

I find it really funny when the people whom I have cut out of my life come back asking me why I did so.

I'll never be the Same

After an 11 hour day at work, I now find some time to flex my muscles and an over exhausted brain. As I sit alone in my room, for some weird reason I'm having a weird tendency to look back at life and introspect. Just thinking about what I was and what I have become now. It all feels so strange, how things change so rapidly and for the better. Or so I hope.

How a social drinker turned into an almost alcoholic and then into a hardcore sober workaholic. How a love lorn girl turned into an escapist running away from the very emotion that defined her. How a dreamy eyed teenager grew into a strictly practical woman. How a casual soul turned into a thinking magnet. How a vulnerable lass turned into the strong ice maiden. How a rainbow lover turned into a black and white fanatic. How an OCD bitch turned into a haphazard queen. How a non stop talker turned into a genuine listener. How a genuine listener turned into a judgemental cynic. How a messed up creature metamorphosed into an almost sorted dame. How a people lover turned into a agnostic misanthrope.

Strange are the ways of the world, seriously. Situations bring out the best and the worst in people. I've only seen how situations affect my psyche over the past year. I've been through so much that I cannot find the old me no matter how hard I preen and look. Its like I have been forced to grow up only due to the happenings around me. Its true, success hardly means anything if there is no struggle. Well, I'm not complaining.

Today as I look at myself, I see a strong, independent, single woman with absolutely no expectations from anyone or anything, but herself. People come and people leave, they only form catalysts to bring about bouts of light and happiness here and there. But the original blueprint or framework remains me. If I stumble, life would not be worth living. And I don't intend to get there. There is a place in me where I go back to every now and then, where I get to hear the echoes in my head. It helps, in every possible way. They say that you tend to get strong only when there is no other option left. But when there are other options and yet you choose to be strong, then its quite something else altogether. And that is what I have become now and I have no intentions of going back to what I was before.

P.S: I'm thoroughly disappointed by my previous posts, based on the number of comments I've received. Come on people, show some love.
P.P.S: How's the new look? I liked the previous one better, but this mood kinda reflects my life now and I like the feeling that brightness is not far away.

Light it Up

With all the noise and smoke doing the rounds, I hope everyone is safe out there. Wishing you all a very happy and extremely safe Diwali.

Its that time of the year where you burn out all the bitter memories, let it flow into smoke and look out for new beginnings. Not breaking the norm, that is exactly what I shall do. I'd like to light up a few people like a monster rocket and let them shoo away to any other God forsaken planet. For good. I'd like to cuddle up all my bitter memories of the recent past into a giant flowerpot and watch it sparkle up before settling into dust. Ah, the satisfaction that gives! I do it every year and well life has been such that I have to do it every year. If only Murphy pays attention to someone else and wouldn't be so hell bent upon chasing the Lioness. Bring it on Murphy, its been 25 years and I'm still standing here waiting for your surprises. Now that I've won like a 7379563455 times, I think I still will. Suck up, Loser!

Over the past year, one thing that I have been extremely good at is cutting out people at the right time. It continues. When a blessed distraction turns into emotion and starts digging into your life, you know its time to burn it out. I'm a psyched out Lioness who loves to dangerous extents. The very fact that it took me about 3 years to get over a 3 year old relationship proves it. So, I've decided to stay out of anything that remotely seems like love. For my own sanity that is. Obviously no one suddenly wakes up and makes such a decision. Suddenly uncertainty blurred out and I got slapped hard by certainty. It did not turn out good, but I'm fiercely happy that it ended. It hurt exactly for 4 hours and then it was back into smiles. Damn, how I turned into an eternal optimist is something I wouldn't know. Well, who's complaining?

One more thing that I wouldn't know is that how could I get it wrong two times in a row? Inspite of being so extremely cautious I let it happen. But I'm so happy that I did not let the temptation get me. I held on instead of plunging into it headlong. The very reason that I could get out of it in such minimal time. Coming to think of it, it doesn't seem like it was love in the first place. Well now that it is over, its over. And just like last time, this time too this is not something that I'd want to look back to. It is vital to kill people in your head, to make room for new ones. Crazy logic maybe, but it works for me. Its over, and it shall stay that way. Period.

No matter what, in the end it always turns out to be fine. As I sit here all dressed up in traditional attire looking forward to the Diwali party at my best friend's place, I can only thank God for giving me the strength to get past everything in life. And by everything I mean everything. Its not been an easy ride, but I have come out of it with my head held high and with absolutely no regrets. I'm so extremely proud of myself. And there is no way that I'd get cynical about love and relationships. I'm burning out the past memories, but the romantic in me continues to live on and strong.

Enough with my rant. Damn, can anyone else get so random and still stick on to a sole topic called love. Naah, no one but me can do that! So, lets say a quick prayer and head out to burn the pain, past, darkness and bitterness from our lives. Let all our lives be only filled with light and happiness from now on. Amen!

Uncertainty

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I'm not sure what I want from the future. Or the present. I have no expectations, no fantasies. No unfulfilled dreams, no yearnings. No pain, no guilt.

This might have been a mistake, but its the most beautiful mistake of my life. The only thing that I have learnt from this mistake is that, this is something that I want to do again and again. Today, tomorrow or years later, when I look back at whatever this is I'd still feel the same. The same rush, the same thrill, the same you and the same me. There will be only one thing that is happily missing. Regret.

Uncertainty has never looked this attractive, and I'm in love with it.

Never be too Careful

I have the time to write these days, but I'm unable to get words out. I don't know what is happening. Life is good no doubt, but some glitches are blurring things out. I've learnt that, its best to never try to be too careful. A little bit of precaution is good, but I put in all my energy and focus on not getting into something. But today, at this very moment I find myself buried deep under it. I don't know why I'm finding this so funny. I was so damn careful, so very cautious; yet it happened.

Falling in love is not something you decide on, but I did everything that I could to stay away from it. The minute I found myself leaning towards it, I backed out. I did all I could to never look back at it, I even termed it as addiction. But today I know that addiction is indeed a form of love. After all, why would you want to get addicted to something that you don't love? Making sense? Yeah.

Come mid November and my travel schedule gets a bang start. I'm going to be globe trotting for quite a while it seems like. I'm going to be back here only to fly off again in sometime. I've always wanted to travel and see the world, but today as I see my travel schedule, my head reels. You need to be careful about what you ask God seriously, because at times, rare times for me, He sends a positive reply. I'm looking forward to a new place, new environment and new people. But leaving behind the old ones just when you are still contemplating on the rush of feelings is so so bad. I so want to jump in and sort things out but the Lioness pride in me doesn't let me do that. Love sure is complicated. There is a tinge of pain too, but I'm glad that I realised that it is not meant to last before I heartily jumped into it. Some consolation here.

Being alone is good. It is a strength in itself. No unnecessary responsibilities or liabilities. I realised this the day when the lines of love and lust merged into me. Expectations always hurt, be it from either side. Being ultra careful about separating lust and love did not work either. Everything in life comes together at times. And thanks to Murphy ruling my life, it all comes together at the worst possible time for me. Happiness is at its peak thanks to a constant flourishing work life, but at the same time personal life seems to be going for a toss. But again, things only happen for the better and we continue to hope.

Now that the distraction/ addiction/ love is out of my life there is more room for newer and better things. This makes me smile. At times I wonder why am I not able to break down and cry. But then again, I've done more than my share of that, that it does not seem to matter anymore. People are weird. At times they make you feel like a priority and at times like an option. Its weirdly funny because you tend to see only the happy side of it. Or rather that's all you want to see. But when it hits you one day, it hits you hard. My once healed heart now has a sharp, deep dent. I'm choosing escapism here and running away from it. I want to keep matters of the heart away from my body and life for quite sometime now. But yeah, I'm not planning on being too careful about it.

So moral of the story: Shit happens, always. Don't try to build walls around you because even if a brick comes loose, the wall comes collapsing down. Instead, open your doors and let it come in. Deal with it the way you want at the right time. That's much simpler than something coming in unexpected when you had been so careful about it. Makes you feel like a fool to be honest. That's when you see all your life's philosophies crumbled and stranded on the ground contributing to more shit.

Someone rightly said, "At times the best thing you can do when you find love again, is to walk away"

But can we remain friends? Only time will tell, especially when both have decided to walk away to different paths.

Repost: Murderer

This old post of mine remains an eternal favorite. The reason being that the moment that I wrote this was the most painful moment of my life. This post has all my tears, feelings and blood embedded into it. I was accused of being unfaithful in the most sadistic manner ever. He sent me the song 'Unfaithful' by Rihanna, complete with the video and lyrics and told me that presently its his favorite song. I was already heart broken and this just crushed me. I did not write this to defend myself, I just wrote this to vent out my pain. I did not even want to publish it, but when I did people loved the post. It seemed funny that my pain was being appreciated. I even won an award for this on bloggertown. Today, 'Unfaithful' started playing on shuffle on my ipod and I was so reminded of that day. Hence, the re-post.

I was never unfaithful
I never wanted to see you hurt
All I wanted was
For you to realise my worth

How could I rejoice in
Seeing you die
Dead I'd rather be
Than to see you cry

You're more than a man
Your the reason why I live
You're my heart n soul
For whom my love I'll give

Its all in your mind
That I'm happy with someone else
You don't see my heart bleed
You don't see my craving eyes

I walked away
Cos you dint need me
I never lied to you
My truth you couldn't see

I know its too late
To simplify things
To understand us better
And our love for each other

I see you hurt
Cant see it anymore
So I've locked my feelings
And left it ashore

I just wish you happiness
And love for life
Lucky will be the one you love
The one who'll be your wife

I would never give up
On something I love
But something which is not mine
No point of having hope

I'm the one
Who is dead inside
Feelings are something
Which will never subside

I'd rather slit myself
Than to put a gun to your head
Before I see a frown on you
I'd gladly prefer to be dead

For today, tomorrow
Or any day other
Just remember
I can never be a murderer

Half the things written in this poem don't make sense to me anymore. The best part is that today as I read this, I feel nothing but relief. A relief that, this shall never be a part of my life again. Nobody ever again is going to make me feel this bad. No matter what, I'm never gonna let it get there. Never again.

Its a Wonderful Life

Need I say more? This is the most happiest phase of my life. For the first time ever things are going exactly the way I want them too. Rather the way I saw them happening. You may not have missed someone, but you know that he is special when there is a big smile on your face and a relief in your heart the minute you see him again. It is a very care free and happy feeling. Nothing more, nothing less. This is the way I wanted it to be. This is the way it is.

Happiness is a state of mind I agree, but without beautiful things around its difficult to get into that state. No complaints. I'm surrounded by beautiful things and beautiful people and life looks more beautiful than ever. Love is slowly growing and this feeling is nothing short of awesomeness. Love for life, love for small things, love for him.

I've got nothing more to say. Life as I see it now, is wonderful.