Just for Today

Just for today
Can we forget the mess
Would you hold me tight
Just once please say yes

Lets let go of the world
Come we shall celebrate this day
Forget the white and the black
Just for today lets turn gray

For a while ignore the requiem
Just chant your wonderful song
Get your voice to grace my ears
I'll pester the effect to stay long

We have been there before
The feeling is nothing new
I want to feel the goose bumps
Just for today let me touch you

Lets smile together holding hands
Its your day that I want to share
Don't push me away as yet
Just for today I want to be there

All the bottled up emotions
Today it wants to come rushing out
Why don't we let it flood
Today let us enjoy this tiny love bout

Go on press the pause button
Let us get the feelings to surge
Lets not think about tomorrow
Just for today let us merge

Let us get our lips together
Lets feel the heat and come near
Just for today let us live
I may not be around the next year

Good Riddance

Snip. Cut. That's how my life would have sounded since the past 2 days.

You know what, when you decide that you want to do something then nothing can stop you from doing it. Remember I recently said that if need be, it is important to cut out people from life. Well, I've been doing that and I could not be more happier. Unwanted people, unwanted clutter, unwanted chaos, all thrown out of the window. Life is light and clear now. Yay me! :)

But the best part is when crap automatically moves out of your life. Then it moves out of Facebook and my beloved blog too, making them places that are fulfilling and easy to visit now. I don't feel an ounce of remorse or agony. It had to happen someday. The sooner the better. The only regret I have is that why didn't this happen earlier. No worries, better late than never.

Someone once told me that the more people you have in life, the more complicated it gets. Seems to be true now. Trying to put off things, putting up with the haphazard feelings of people, struggling to cope up with clingy friends is a bigger baggage than any broken relationship or the past. I've burnt my baggage now and life's already looking bright.

Although there is a certain someone that I'm not able to cut off. Every night I make a promise to myself that the first thing I'll do tomorrow morning is to tell that person to get lost. But each time I look at him, I change my mind. We're great friends, but things have gotten a bit awkward now. The thing I hate the most about him and the very reason I'm even contemplating on cutting him off is that the awkwardness doesn't get to us. But when I'm alone, my mind goes back to actually what is happening. I don't know if it works the same for him too. He's not a very expressive person, but I might be slowly hurting him. Or getting myself hurt. Either ways that's not a risk that I'd want to take.

As for the others who have bid a goodbye to my life, all I would want to say is good riddance to bad rubbish.

White

With things going perfectly fine in my life, I'm feeling utterly restless. That's the stupid old me. What's going on I just cant seem to understand. I always knew that I was a confused soul. But to this extent? Damn, I put myself to shame. I'm way too happy currently, but a small part of me is not liking it. I know I deserve every bit of the happiness I'm getting now, thanks to the melancholic crap I bore the past few years. I love the perfection around me, but I need to bring about a change. In me.

I need to change. Myself. And only for me. Its about time. I know I bought myself time until I turn 26 and all that jazz but now I don't want to continue this for long. Rehab begins today. 24th April be it. I'm not going to cut out everything abruptly and die of restlessness. I'll take it gradual and slow, but I will do it. But one thing that I need to cut out on immediately, is people. Some women and more men. Lines need to be drawn. A friend means a friend and nothing else. If they cant take it, out they go. I want to be single for sometime. I have absolutely no emotions or energy left for a relationship right now. With the fascination and the past buried, my feelings are all white now. Its gonna remain that way, I'm in no hurry to make a prism out of the white.

Two of my best friends are getting engaged soon. And for the first time ever, I'm not feeling anything. I mean I obviously am happy for them, but I'm not comparing myself to either of them. Earlier it was like 'Oh my God, she's getting married. And I'm nowhere close'. But now it absolutely makes no difference at all. Its a choice they made. Its my choice to be the way I am, and I love my life at present. Without a doubt, I haven't been this happy ever before. I'm revisiting myself and I'm loving the journey. Its not going to have an abrupt end. Its my life, and I will live it the way I want to.

Been thinking a lot about relationships. Because no matter how much I run away that will always remain my priority. I watched 'No strings Attached' last week. My previous poem 'Fire' actually came inspired by that. A cute movie, but very unrealistic. How can you just fool around not expecting either of them to fall in love? Scary. Does life ever work that way? Can two people be involved physically and later act like as if nothing has happened? Is it that easy? That's a question I don't need an answer to because I simply don't care. Its simple for me. You either are in love, or not. There are no two ways about it. The movie ended in true bollywood style though with the triumph of love.

Love. Funny thing. As much I hate to say this, there is no running away from it. As much as I say that I am falling out of love and that I am moving on, I know the truth. I go to bed with it every single night. But I've learnt to block it out and be nonchalant about the entire thing. I'm doing it beautifully and I'm proud of what I am today because of love. I can't and will never ever deny the fact that love still remains the most beautiful thing in the world. Period.

I see life in black and white, like I've said a gazillion times before. But now its all clear, pristine and white. Its a nice place to be in, trust me. It gives a feeling of wholeness, clarity and peace. And peace it shall remain.

Fire

Satin sheets, sliding down

Covering the night, that went by

We both knew we wanted this

We both know we will not deny

I can still feel your tongue

Like the poison that drowned my throat

Sharp, sweet, bitter and harsh

Like our crazy passion boat

Every kiss said a word

Every breath was clearly heard

You lie there amazingly beautiful

Are you gonna be my love bird

The strong clasp of your hand

Weakens the bite on my neck

Why are we smiling together

Is this love, we need to check

My hazy eyes long for your vision

As your trembling lips break into a song

This sure is a dreamy moment for us

But I'm afraid, what if it goes wrong

You strong arms do assure me

But even on your chest I seem to think

If this continues to go on

I'll fall for you in just a wink

Your madness reeks into me

Your breath now calms my soul

Go on, lets capture the moment

Its been a while since I've felt whole

The feeling is unmatchable

I've never craved for anything this much

Your scent drives me nuts

I lie there, burning with your touch

Mad Cow

The uneasiness, the skepticism, the never ending thoughts, the infatuation, the feeling of being in love, the grace, the face outside the window, the abrupt bouts of pain, the sudden thrill of happiness, the anxiousness, the feeling of being out of love, the romantic gestures, the need for passion, the craving for a touch, the sharp kisses, the musings, the confusing words and the lightheadedness; all answered.

There has absolutely not been a single moment when I have regretted being a girl. But PMS seems like a torture at times. It only gets worse, when you confess to liking someone and the next day you realise that you actually don't. Why? Why am I so stupid? I read somewhere that red wine helps in controlling PMS. Bleh! I so beg to differ. PMS, red wine and a mobile phone with a guy on the other side or in person is one of the deadliest combos ever. Well, you learn from your mistakes. But honestly some mistakes are way too fun to not be repeated.

I now know why it is called PMS. Mad cow disease was already taken!

But I did learn something from this entire hoopla. One, I'm definitely out of love. Two, I'm not in love with anyone, nor am I falling into it. Infatuation has died down. Seriously, its always a big deal only until you get it. After that, its makes no difference what so ever. Strange I know, but that's me. So the mad cow has decided to enjoy and bask in her newly found(?) singledom for quite sometime now. Drink, smoke, party, roam and have all possible solid fun.

I turn 25 in 4 months time, so lets give the cow one more year. Come 26 and then I'll start looking at life seriously. But again my plans are known to be gatecrashed by Lord Almighty in the most devious ways possible, so the best I will do now is sit back and enjoy one day, one moment at a time. No plans ahead. Let the pages turn slow. Let me have the time and sense to understand every word of the book of life.

Choice

Why can't there be at least a single moment in my life which is clear cut. Why am I always stuck between two or more things having to choose one? Its not like I'm looking at a pair of shoes and deciding to buy the black or the white one. I usually end up buying both. But what do I do when it comes to life? And love? I again stand confused here.

I'm scared to make a choice now. I don't want to make one. Its all happening way too fast. Everything was going on smooth and the way I wanted it to, but now there is a third angle. A really good one that I can't seem to ignore. What do I do? I'm the one who always says that everything in life is a matter of choice. Well, this time I'm not able to make one.

Its not like I have make a choice and stick to it today, but I don't want to regret on having lost out on something good/great tomorrow. I'm playing along for now. Not looking ahead, nor peeping back. Just for today, I'm happy the way my life is. I'm sure when the time comes, I'll make the right choice.

Sorted

I want to scream. Scream bad. Scream loudly. Only, this time out of joy. Every single messed up thing in life is slowly falling in to place. I know that changes don't happen overnight; but the start has begun. Finally begun. Here I stand fingers crossed and a heart filled with hope, watching life unfold in all its glory.

Looking back at life I feel so pathetic as to how stupid I have been. Pathetic, foolish and crazy. Its just a matter of a thought and a decision. They say some decisions change your life forever. Mine did. And I haven't stopped smiling since then. Speaks a lot, doesn't it?

Everything is finally normal at home and yes the want of returning home is now back. Strike one. I'll be moving into a new process at work starting next month, leaving behind the stressful and tiresome role that I was handling in the old one. This one's more tough but will do great guns for my resume, plus I get to sit next to my best friend. Strike two. Two most important things in my life are now sorted. The rest can take care of themselves.

And me? I'm still strolling the lane caught between love and infatuation. Can't seem to figure out what is what. The problems here are two. One, this time I'm 200% sure that he's the wrong guy. Two, he's in love with me. I don't want to do something stupid and end up hurting either of us. Atleast not him. Not another one for God's sake. I know myself way too well. My feelings toggle rapidly than the damn pendulum of grandfather's clock. But, I have a good feeling about this one. Dekhte hai, kya hota hai. So, I'm taking my own sweet time to figure this out. Not that it doesn't hold much priority, but I'm still basking in the clear air of the above two.

Now I know, whatever happens, happens for the better. My family is now more closer, I value my work more, and I now know that I can fall in love again. None of these were tough. All they needed were a chance and half a cartload of patience. I gave them both and will continue to do so. Hope things turn out good.

About the past, a part of me still loves it, and the other loathes it.

I'm feeding the latter.

Fluster

Probably, happiness is only an illusion. I seem to be drowned in it, not wanting a negative thing to happen. But now life seems to revolving around skepticism. Every thought, every feeling, every word is weighed and takes time to come out. Its not all that spontaneous anymore. The impulsive queen is seeming to rest. What's going on? Is this what is called "growing up"?

Its really hard not to let situations take over you. You probably need to be a boulder to not let circumstances affect you. You see things, understand them, try to make something out of it. If nothing comes out of it, bury it far somewhere. An unfinished painting maybe. Just a random scrawl of infinite colors.

But would you want to go back years later and try to finish it? Would you dig up everything you had hidden and almost forgotten, trying to rebuild it. No. But why am I seeming to do it. "Never again" doesn't seem to matter anymore. Why? Am I coming out of the numbness that had made me so comfortable all these years. Am I beginning to feel again? Am I falling in love?

In the quiet night as I look out of the window, why do I see a new face? Why do I wake up with the thoughts of someone new? Why do I smile when I realise what is happening? Why do I crave for that voice and that presence? Why do I go that extra mile for something this fresh?

Is this peace? Is this happiness? Is this getting over?

Is this love?

I'm scared.

Nirvana

I never thought this would be so easy. A long painful ordeal coming to the most nasty end only to leave behind a smile accompanied by a sigh of relief. A smile that says that I'm glad its over. A sigh to reflect the fact that I'm never ever going to put myself in such a vulnerable situation again.

Need to admit, God works out his timings brilliantly. One door closes and the other opens. I see the smiling new inviting door but I'm just content in knowing its exists. Just for me. No rush. Do I want to enter it? Oh yes! But not just as yet. I'm steadily falling out of love, but the residue seems to be taking time to disappear. Once I'm a clean slate, we'll take a call on what to do.

Ayn Rand says ~ ‎"I've always thought that a feeling which changes never existed in the first place". Probably that was it. I don't want to get into retrospect and bring out a rhapsody of unwanted words. Been there, done that. Now I'm simply sick and tired. Tired to the hilt.

It doesn't take much to make a clear decision and hold on to it. Its hard, but not tough. Once done, its bliss. Eternal bliss. Today or rather from yesterday I'm the most happiest girl on earth. No, I was not this happy even 6 years ago. Somethings just have to end. Why? Because they have to. Agreed, accepted and acknowledged. The past has fucked me enough, its my turn now. Its look ahead time now, and if some chapters of history are turned back again I'll gladly accept being an illiterate.

Contentment and happiness are merging quick and I'm slowly but steadily heading towards the moon.

The end. Buried.

Satisfaction.

Peace.

I like it simple

Today, just as I stepped out from bed I sensed that something is not right. Sleepy eyed as I fumbled for my bedroom slippers under my bed, there it came, crushing one nerve of mine at a time. The dreaded migraine attack. Gosh, after more than 3 months it was back again to collapse me. Then came a sedating pill and off I went back to sleep after texting my lead that I won't be coming in to work.

8 hours later..

The last thing that I expected from today was a smile. But there it was waiting for me on my phone as I woke up feeling utterly dazed. So many texts and calls from friends and colleagues asking me how I was and some genuine miss you's too. I don't know how the word spread, but all this made me feel real nice. A man I almost hate, called me up randomly. I was surprised on seeing his name flash on my phone. When I picked up he just said one thing, "Soumya, are you alright? I just thought of you and sensed something is wrong". Its weird how such little gestures can liven you up.

I have realised something recently. I have summarised the things I do into four areas. Talk, shop, drink and think. I stick to the first three as much as possible only to escape the last one. Drink has taken a back seat too, thanks to love. So I'm not left with much choices now. After talking to almost all of my friends I felt rejuvenated. These people are seriously my lifelines and I can't help but want to count my blessings. I've also sorted out things with my best friend now and so I'm a little on the higher side. Another friend called me a million times to make sure that I was doing fine. Why I can't fall in love with such men is one thing I fail to reckon.

In order to cheer myself up I went out shopping after a quick dash to the hospital. And boy, did I shop! And so, now, we are the proud owners of 6 more pairs of shoes, brand new aviator glasses and uncountable number of clothes. Woohoo. This is all I need from life. Simple, ain't it? Awesome, crazy friends, some money to shop, a boy to love, a job to die for and a closet filled with clothes and shoes. Well I'm getting close to having it all. Well, almost.

I like the new template. Black and white. It emphasises the way I see life and the moon and stars clearly indicate that I'm so not a day person. Night's the life for me. The lioness seems to have the alter ego of an owl ;)

I've been trying to get the minima black template for my blog. The 2 column one. That was the first ever template I used and I have failed to find it anywhere online. If anyone has it please please do mail it to me at soumprasad@gmail.com. Also since this template is new if anyone is having any problem posting comments please do let me know at the same email address.

That's about it for now. Heading back to the simple life with a simple smile :)

Just some things I want to say

Sometimes everyone wants to be loved and needed. Particularly by the one who just left us.

There are no problems that cannot be fixed. Some people are the ones who are beyond repair.

Unless you have had your heart broken and shredded to tiny sharp shards, you won't even realise that it's there.

When I first met him I looked for a lot of reasons to justify being with him. Today, I can't seem to find one reason to not be with him.

Hope is a funny thing. So funny that at times it makes you want to cry.

Its so scary that my future is intricately linked to uncertainty.

I'm not looking for answers or solutions. I just want someone to distract me from this crap for a while.

If only I could reach out to my skull and pull out this mulch bag titled memories.

I now seem to be allergic to the miasma of love.

I probably need to take a blither approach to life.

Sometimes the more you know about others, the lesser you want to reveal about yourself.

Its very important for people to know that as they are taking time deciding something, there is someone out there patiently waiting for the answer.

Life can and never will be smooth sailing.

I'm much stronger than I thought I could possibly be.

Paths always cross. Its up to us to decide if we want to move forward or not.

Some truths are better left buried. Deep.

I'm an eternal optimist. I'll fight until God gives up.

If this is the end, I'll never want to look into your eyes again.