White


With things going perfectly fine in my life, I'm feeling utterly restless. That's the stupid old me. What's going on I just cant seem to understand. I always knew that I was a confused soul. But to this extent? Damn, I put myself to shame. I'm way too happy currently, but a small part of me is not liking it. I know I deserve every bit of the happiness I'm getting now, thanks to the melancholic crap I bore the past few years. I love the perfection around me, but I need to bring about a change. In me.

I need to change. Myself. And only for me. Its about time. I know I bought myself time until I turn 26 and all that jazz but now I don't want to continue this for long. Rehab begins today. 24th April be it. I'm not going to cut out everything abruptly and die of restlessness. I'll take it gradual and slow, but I will do it. But one thing that I need to cut out on immediately, is people. Some women and more men. Lines need to be drawn. A friend means a friend and nothing else. If they cant take it, out they go. I want to be single for sometime. I have absolutely no emotions or energy left for a relationship right now. With the fascination and the past buried, my feelings are all white now. Its gonna remain that way, I'm in no hurry to make a prism out of the white.

Two of my best friends are getting engaged soon. And for the first time ever, I'm not feeling anything. I mean I obviously am happy for them, but I'm not comparing myself to either of them. Earlier it was like 'Oh my God, she's getting married. And I'm nowhere close'. But now it absolutely makes no difference at all. Its a choice they made. Its my choice to be the way I am, and I love my life at present. Without a doubt, I haven't been this happy ever before. I'm revisiting myself and I'm loving the journey. Its not going to have an abrupt end. Its my life, and I will live it the way I want to.

Been thinking a lot about relationships. Because no matter how much I run away that will always remain my priority. I watched 'No strings Attached' last week. My previous poem 'Fire' actually came inspired by that. A cute movie, but very unrealistic. How can you just fool around not expecting either of them to fall in love? Scary. Does life ever work that way? Can two people be involved physically and later act like as if nothing has happened? Is it that easy? That's a question I don't need an answer to because I simply don't care. Its simple for me. You either are in love, or not. There are no two ways about it. The movie ended in true bollywood style though with the triumph of love.

Love. Funny thing. As much I hate to say this, there is no running away from it. As much as I say that I am falling out of love and that I am moving on, I know the truth. I go to bed with it every single night. But I've learnt to block it out and be nonchalant about the entire thing. I'm doing it beautifully and I'm proud of what I am today because of love. I can't and will never ever deny the fact that love still remains the most beautiful thing in the world. Period.

I see life in black and white, like I've said a gazillion times before. But now its all clear, pristine and white. Its a nice place to be in, trust me. It gives a feeling of wholeness, clarity and peace. And peace it shall remain.

4 comments:

  1. hey Soumya, Thanks for following me!! I loved reading ur blog! I sort of wrote about the same thing! Friends getting married and me being perfectly happy with life! :)

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  2. hey friend... its such a treat to read your post ....superb !!

    Jai HO Mangalmay Ho

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  3. confused, you are.. but you are real, very much..
    I can find traces of mine in your thoughts..
    Love, is a funny old joke that plays on us, and all we can do is laugh or be laughed out..

    Hope you find your ways, and find your better side..soon enough :)

    aJ

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  4. @Deeps!!,
    Hey, thanks for following me too! Thank you so much. Seriously, who cares about who is getting married, as long as we are happy :)

    @Vish,
    Thank you. Jai ho!

    @aakash,
    Thank you for your wishes :)

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