And that's it. Nothing beyond it.
I'm extremely pissed today. Either I'm nursing a hangover from last night or going through severe withdrawal symptoms thanks to the whole idea of trying to quit smoking and actually succeeding. Every thing's going great but something doesn't feel right. To start off, what's with all the romantic posts that I've put up of late. Parts of them have been drawn from my life while the rest has been fiction. But when I read it, I stump myself. That's quite some wild imagination I have. Love is the last thing on my mind right now, but it seems to be a priority on print.
Honestly, I'm shit confused about a few things. Oh yeah I know, I know, as usual. I thought I would never go back to what I was a few years ago. The love lorn, short tempered, deep thinking, foolish woman. But I seem to be getting there again. At times I feel I'm falling in love, and the next minute I'm cursing the word. One day I feel I'm doing a great job at getting over and the next day I'm drowning myself in nostalgia. The crush and the feelings are going through a serious to and fro. Today it has been on an eternal low and I hate myself for the way I behaved today. I hurt myself and someone else. I'm sleep deprived I guess.
When he's not around I miss him like crazy waiting for him to return. I mistake this for love. When he's back I don't feel a thing and end up ignoring him. This episode is seriously not looking good. I'm also not able to figure out what he's thinking which is adding on to the frustration. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I can't lose him. But, we are drifting apart. This is the first time I'm feeling this. We have had our moments, but we have never let the awkwardness get to us. But that seems to be coming to an end now. Yes, we are drifting apart. And I'm not liking it. But, if it has to end, let it. For good. I don't want to live in uncertainty again. Not again. Never.
I seem to have this horrible need to have someone around me always. I always have had someone around and that too more often than not, the opposite sex. Friends. Even if I'm alone for a few minutes I tend to feel paralysed. I had phased out sometime earlier and had learnt to enjoy solitude. But then wham! A whole lot of people poured back into my life sweeping into my 'me' time. As I was trying to kick the 'butt' I realised that it is fairly easy to quit habits than people. When you have had someone around you all the time and suddenly that person goes missing, life seems dull. This is so not done. This is not me. The Lioness always preys alone. What the fuck is going on?
I need to give this up. No, I'm not emotionally dependent on anyone. But I probably don't trust me with myself anymore. With my thoughts I mean. Called up my best friend to vent sometime back. She told me to stop thinking about others and think about myself for sometime. Its funny that most of the people in my life think that I'm so self obsessed that I only think about myself. See, I'm not the only confused one out here. I'm not the misfit. She's right. I've begun to think too much of late. The mission to sort my life has taken a toll on me to such an extent that I'm only concerned about trying to fit in the right pieces than myself. Not right. I can't depend on anyone like this. I'm an independent freak for everything else but this. I need to change. I need to learn to be alone or make myself stronger to not notice the difference when some one's gone. We start work on this today. Now.
The post turned out to be longer than I expected, but I just wanted to vent. Feeling a bit better now. Wait, just saw the first look of 'Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara'. Feeling a lot better now.