Stupid Me


And that's it. Nothing beyond it.

I'm extremely pissed today. Either I'm nursing a hangover from last night or going through severe withdrawal symptoms thanks to the whole idea of trying to quit smoking and actually succeeding. Every thing's going great but something doesn't feel right. To start off, what's with all the romantic posts that I've put up of late. Parts of them have been drawn from my life while the rest has been fiction. But when I read it, I stump myself. That's quite some wild imagination I have. Love is the last thing on my mind right now, but it seems to be a priority on print.

Honestly, I'm shit confused about a few things. Oh yeah I know, I know, as usual. I thought I would never go back to what I was a few years ago. The love lorn, short tempered, deep thinking, foolish woman. But I seem to be getting there again. At times I feel I'm falling in love, and the next minute I'm cursing the word. One day I feel I'm doing a great job at getting over and the next day I'm drowning myself in nostalgia. The crush and the feelings are going through a serious to and fro. Today it has been on an eternal low and I hate myself for the way I behaved today. I hurt myself and someone else. I'm sleep deprived I guess.

When he's not around I miss him like crazy waiting for him to return. I mistake this for love. When he's back I don't feel a thing and end up ignoring him. This episode is seriously not looking good. I'm also not able to figure out what he's thinking which is adding on to the frustration. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I can't lose him. But, we are drifting apart. This is the first time I'm feeling this. We have had our moments, but we have never let the awkwardness get to us. But that seems to be coming to an end now. Yes, we are drifting apart. And I'm not liking it. But, if it has to end, let it. For good. I don't want to live in uncertainty again. Not again. Never.

I seem to have this horrible need to have someone around me always. I always have had someone around and that too more often than not, the opposite sex. Friends. Even if I'm alone for a few minutes I tend to feel paralysed. I had phased out sometime earlier and had learnt to enjoy solitude. But then wham! A whole lot of people poured back into my life sweeping into my 'me' time. As I was trying to kick the 'butt' I realised that it is fairly easy to quit habits than people. When you have had someone around you all the time and suddenly that person goes missing, life seems dull. This is so not done. This is not me. The Lioness always preys alone. What the fuck is going on?

I need to give this up. No, I'm not emotionally dependent on anyone. But I probably don't trust me with myself anymore. With my thoughts I mean. Called up my best friend to vent sometime back. She told me to stop thinking about others and think about myself for sometime. Its funny that most of the people in my life think that I'm so self obsessed that I only think about myself. See, I'm not the only confused one out here. I'm not the misfit. She's right. I've begun to think too much of late. The mission to sort my life has taken a toll on me to such an extent that I'm only concerned about trying to fit in the right pieces than myself. Not right. I can't depend on anyone like this. I'm an independent freak for everything else but this. I need to change. I need to learn to be alone or make myself stronger to not notice the difference when some one's gone. We start work on this today. Now.

The post turned out to be longer than I expected, but I just wanted to vent. Feeling a bit better now. Wait, just saw the first look of 'Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara'. Feeling a lot better now.

9 comments:

  1. Gosh! It's crazy how much I could relate to this post.

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  2. Soums, that is but a natural feeling!Worry not, you are not alone in this world having same feeling...most are...
    Love your line...I'm not emotionally dependent on anyone...good at least you have this...me? the opposite...carry on pretty ,witty girl......

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  3. Hmm.. You still aren't getting there girl ! LEARN to teach your mind how to behave or you will lose your identity, everything that you once established, everything that makes you "you". The Lioness should roar again ! Amen !

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  4. A typical Leo. Is that what you should be? Actually, a tigress prowls alone, not a lioness. It's always a team effort for them. Why am I saying this? Because, you don't have to be alone facing and bearing the brunt of everything. You are drifting, pull down the sails then, and drop the anchor down deep if you wish to stay, not every ship longs to go back on its journey.

    Cheer up Soumya :-)

    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  5. A big chaos, but it's true about life.

    "Order is chaos and chaos is order". It's no more, when you get this.

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  6. I just wanted to tell you two things:

    1. Believe in yourself. You are capable of doing everything you feel ought to be. Capability and Goals are always bridged by the belief in oneself.

    2. Dare to fall in love; it isn't a sin. I often say this. If you think you 'really' are in love, do smile for it happening. Without love, whats life gonna be?

    Cheers (with a mug of 'chilled' beer) :o)

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  7. @Felicity,
    Ah then I guess women are generally this confused.

    @Angel,
    That's some consolation. Thanks Angel.

    @Stranger!!!
    Teaching and learning. I'll get there very soon I'm sure. I shall always be 'I'. Will soon be roaring again.

    @BA,
    Its not a compulsion that I should be one. The team effort is the problem. Cos at times when they are not around the Lioness loses focus. I don't want to bear the brunt of everything alone, but I need to learn to live with myself. Drifting yes. But its not yet time for me to drop down the anchor. I'm waiting for a good enough spot to do so.

    I'm fine now BA, thanks a lot for your concern :)

    @SGAN,
    Chaos I know! But its only up to us to get it to order. And that's the toughest part.

    @Prashanth,
    Welcome back!

    1. I do believe in myself. The problem is that I'm fighting a battle within myself.

    2. I know love is life, but I'm not in love. That's a dare I want to stay away from. Call me a wuss if you want, but its not time yet for me to take the plunge again.

    Cheers! I have a scotch on the rocks here :)

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  8. What is happened to you will happen to anyone some point in time in one's life. The feeling maybe for "someone" you love as in any kind of relationship or "something" you love.

    I want to say "This too shall pass". Nothing can get stronger than you. YOU have the control of your body (mind and heart). YOU are the sole owner.

    Doing something you love will help. Try out Sowmya. :)
    Hoping to see the happy YOU Soon.

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  9. @Spicy Sweet,
    I just hope this passes soon. Yes, this is making me stronger for sure. I write to feel better.
    Feeling a tad better now.
    Thanks :)

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