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This is Me

Warning: A long post ahead.

They say that when you are going to die, your whole life flashes in front of you. Something similar happened to her.

It was a perfectly set evening. She had just returned from work and was too exhausted to go out. But she had made a dinner promise to him and she intended to keep it. Fair enough, as it was his last day in the company and the city. She had been avoiding this situation for long enough now. The time had come to face it. And so they went, each one knowing what to say but none having the strength to accept the truth.

He spoke as she dug into her chicken and ham lasagna, carefully separating the capsicum bits. Her head hurt from all the calls she had to attend throughout the day. The vodka tonic concoction was not helping either. So she just sat back and listened. She knew what the questions were going to be and she had answers ready for them. She waited for him to finish. It was a cute little speech and then came a lone bright red rose off his bag. She took it and smiled.

"So, I don't know when I'll be seeing you again"

The first flashes began for her. Her head hurt. Bad.

"Hmmm...", she mumbled.

"Why don't you want to try atleast?"

"Because its not right"

There came a hazy view in her mind and she just couldn't ignore it. It was painfully disturbing and she felt two people strolling somewhere in her mind. She couldn't hear the voice in front of her anymore. What was happening? Her head hurt more. Migraine? At this time, not likely. Nor it was the vodka, she had just taken a sip. A troubled look came over her face as the wind blew her hair.

"Kya hua? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, please continue"

The images were coming closer and she could figure out who they were and what they were doing. It was like as if the inside of her head was exploding to show her the real picture. It was one shock after another and one jolt after the other. Suddenly reality stood way too clearly in front of her and she got up. Uneasy was not the word. After three years, this was not expected. Not after the moving on seemed successful.

"I need to leave", she whispered. It was all so irrational. Such things only happened in Ekta Kapoor's serials. Not in real life. Not to her atleast. She wanted to scream, but only managed to repeat her previous words.

He held her hand, she shook it away.

"No", she screamed. "Don't touch me"

"Okay okay relax, have some water"

The final bubble exploded inside and suddenly everything was clear to her. She seemed fine now. She sat down, had a sip of her drink and looked straight into his eyes.

"I still love him", she said with an unnecessary smile.

"So I thought".

He was hurt, but she did not seem to care. Her mind was racing hard. She had to let him know that she still loved him. She had to let him know that she will always only love him. She had to tell him that she still belonged to him. She had to. Enough of all the hide and seek and the painful desperation. She had to let him know that all she wanted was him. She excused herself and rushed to a place where she could make a call. She was thrilled. Butterflies roamed about freely inside her tickling her heart. She felt good, she had to let him know.

Just as she took out the phone and looked for his number, she remembered the promise she had made to him.

"I swear, I'll never bother you again", she had said. And he had happily agreed.

She sat down on the floor holding the phone wondering what to do, completely oblivious to the dusty floor and the fact that her skirt has slipped quite some inches above her knee. She sat there expressionless. Frozen. Should she just forget the promise and call him instead? She bit into her perfectly french manicured nail wondering what to do. He was happy without her, he did not need her. Maybe he even hated her now. He's in peace. Should she disturb it? Her head hurt more now. A tear fell off her eye. It had been ages since she had cried. Every part of her was hurting now. She closed her eyes. His smiling face readily flashed. She promptly got up, wiped the tears off her face and walked back to her seat. He was happy. She intended to keep her promise, she was not going to trouble him again.

She gulped down her drink and asked the now stranger in front of her if they can leave. He nodded and they left.

Not a word was spoken in the 40 minute journey. She looked out of her window on her left and he looked straight ahead into the traffic. They reached her place, way too sooner than expected.

"I'm sorry. I did not see this coming"

"I guess I always knew somewhere. I should have understood. I'm sorry I put you through this"

"Its okay. You've been a great friend and I'm gonna miss you for sure"

"Just leave, I don't want to say anything"

"Okay. Bye"


He left. She hasn't heard from him since. She did not blame him. There went another one of her friends. She'll get used to this one too. She walked up to her apartment and locked herself up in her room and lit a smoke. She looked up at the mirror and let out a yelp. She couldn't stop the flow of tears after that. The mirror was teasing her. 'She' had been stripped into an 'I'. It was all out in the open. I couldn't control my pain. I wanted to reach out and tell him that I loved him and wanted him back. I wanted to let him know that I longed to hold his hand or atleast have a glimpse of him. I reached for the phone again and sat back and tearfully contemplated for 15 minutes if I should make the call. I've still been contemplating till today.

The Vision: The day we met after months. I was the supergirl then and you the plain simple down to earth being you have always been. We met for drinks and then decided to go back to your place. I was visiting your house after a long time. But, it all felt the same. The same way how it had felt 5 years ago. For me, every corner of that place reeks of us. Its good that you are moving out of it soon. My vision started with us climbing up the stairs to the terrace to get some fresh air. You were holding my hand and I felt warm snuggled against your chest. We were back together in a split second then. The next thing we knew, we were deciding the names of our unborn children. This continued for so long that we actually ended up arguing and mocking each other as we vetoed each other's choice of names. This piece of memory seems so fresh that trust me I can actually breathe the air around us that day. Why? Why did we have this day?

So we're back to where we started off. I still love him. All that moving on and wanting to like someone else seems so fake now. I'm stripped off all the armour I wore until now standing naked facing the reality that he will never be mine. He will never know how I feel and I don't know how am I gonna survive this now. Once, okay. Twice, okay. Thrice, okay. But not for the fourth time. I don't think I have that much strength left in me now. My chest's hurting bad as I write this wondering what he is thinking at this very moment. I know I will get terrible reactions for this post, but I can't do anything, for this is the truth. This is the real me in this post as opposed to all the other fictional 'she's' I created earlier.

The real stupid loser me. The lovelorn lioness who can only meow now. The wounded princess trying to heal herself after hurting almost everyone close to her. How can I still love something that happened 6 years ago. How can I love something from which I've been apart for 3 years. How can I love something that has put me in so much pain. Why do I fail to see the period of struggle, depression and heartbreak? All I can think of now is that one night at your terrace. How do I get this off my mind? How do I get you off my mind? How do I stop loving you? Why do I still love you? I hate you for doing this to me. I hate myself more for putting up with all this.

You said that if we get back together, there will be no looking back. You have to know one thing, if I have you by my side, that's the only side I'd look all my life.

PS: God save me from now on.


  1. Soumya, it's good that you spoke out your heart. Love, isn't easy to get out of. Nothing flashes in my mind right now except your emotions. I wish the one you are longing to have besides you does pick your feelings..

  2. Hmm..this too shall me it will
    And if it doesnt..just call him.
    Cos that evening happened for both of you, why should just one bear the weight of the cross?

  3. Sigh,

    I...I understand, I think so.
    Best of luck.

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  4. beautiful though love is blind :)

  5. @Prashanth,
    I never expected to go back in time. Now that I've spoken it out, its looks way too dramatic. I'm actually doing okay.
    Thank you for your wishes.

    It shall pass. I'm not making the call. Why should two of us suffer when I'm doing the share?

    You don't have to. I don't understand this too.
    Thank you.

    Make that blind, deaf and dumb.

  6. There's no other way around it. Its too complicated :(
    Just be strong and Hold on tight. Hold on till its all over.

    Only thing to remember - You are not alone, NOT THE ONLY ONE to go through this kind of shit... I could tell you a story very much similar to this..

    Take care!

  7. @TheGirlAtFirstAvenue,
    That's come consolation! Thanks.

  8. You posted this some four days back. Ans since then I have been trying to read this but for some reason or the other skip this post and read the recent one. Today...I just felt this urge to read this and here I am. You need courage and honesty to write such a post. I would not say I could feel the pain as only you can feel the intensity of it. But yes I could relate to it in some way. Love...has always been a cause of suffering..and no or escaping could make you free from it. This is something we have to face...this pain can never vanish can only fade...but cannot vanish! But I would also add that with time we get this courage to fight with it. And this time varies from person to person....for some it takes few months and for some decades to pass.
    I just wish u to be strong and brave as you are!
    good luck!

  9. @Mansi,
    Thank you so much. Thankfully this was just momentary and it got out of my mind sooner than it got in. Thank God. I'm fine now :)


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