Screw you July & a promise to August

I have something against the month of July. Or rather July has something against me. Everything in life gets so screwed in this particular month that I feel that life sucks and there is no room for improvement. Well its a different thing that the feeling lasts only till about the last week of the month and then things begin to slightly improve. But while that terrible July phase lasts, its nerve wrecking.

July 2008 - The first cracks began to appear in my relationship finally resulting in impending doom.
July 2009 - Battling the peak of clinical depression.
July 2010 - Diagnosed with symptoms of chickengunya, read low blood pressure, low platelet and haemoglobin count, joint pains and acute anaemia. These pop up every now and then taking my whole petite system down.
July 2011 - A repeat telecast of 2010, with hospitalisation and needles in and out of me. If that was not bad enough, things got so bad at work that I was on the verge of losing my mind.

Just when I was about to totally cross the line between normality and insanity, things began to look up. I got a release from my project. Just when I was going down again thinking that now I'd be jobless until I get a project, a very good opportunity popped in. My release date is confirmed for August 12th and I got a project even before I got released! And that too a project that suits me 100% and which requires me to talk for about 90% of my work time. Plus, it does not involve coding at all! Also, this project will have me travelling to various other places in India and elsewhere. Yeah, talk about dreams coming true. I hope to enjoy this. Heck yeah, I will.

I'm so glad this month is fucking off and giving room to my birthday month. August for some weird reason cheers me up. Probably its the prospect of having my birthday and the fact that I get to live like a queen for a day. But that's how most of my days are going through now, so that doesn't seem to make a difference this year. This year is gonna be special. I turn 25. Phew! My friend is coming down specially for this and I plan to party my ass off the entire second week of August. Starting from 8th which is my birthday to the rest of the week. Yeah yeah I've saved up enough funds just for the treats that I need to provide.

The next week after that will be my foray into the new project with new people around. I have never had trouble getting to know new people and as far I can see, the people around here are very sweet and friendly and more than me they can't wait to have me there. I have a lot of expectations from this month as it can re-define my work and personal life. Fingers crossed!

I always make a list a month before my birthday as to what I will do post the birthday. But this time I fell sick and totally forgot about it. If I haven't said it already, screw you July!! Today, I shall make a list of things that I would want to leave behind and not carry to August. Its gonna be tough but I'll try my best to do it.

~ Smoking. I've cut down from 10 a day to 6, then to 3 and then to 2. I'd kick the butt the minute my last party ends.
~ Men in my life. People come, people leave. Its no big a deal. Lines need to be drawn and absolutely no wasting time thinking of them.
~ Health issues. Getting rid of smoking would cut down half my health issues. Also, I've been skipping yoga for about a month now. Need to get back on track and gain back the 4 kilos I lost during the painful month.
~ Parties. There is a reason why we have weekends and I intend to party only then. Daily parties is a big no no.
~ Bad time management. I cant remember the last time when I was punctual to any kind of meeting. Thanks to the two weeks spent in hospital I sleep close to about 14 hours a day. Due to which I wake up only by 4 pm and am unable to sleep until 8 am. Talk about a drift! I've been sleepwalking my way through work this whole week and I can't afford to from the next. This one needs the maximum effort from my side.
~ Vanity. The number of nail polishes I have is directly proportional to 4 times the number of nails I have. The number of shoes I have is directly proportional to about 40 times the feet I have. As a result of which the amount of money I have in my account by the end of the month is directly proportional to 1% of what I had at the beginning. Shopaholic alert! Need serious treatment.
~ Love, passion and other related crap. I don't even want to think about them for about a year or so. If I keep up the item number two on this list, this should be a cake walk.

I guess that's about it. I don't know why, but there always is a weird satisfaction when you make a list. Keeping it up is a different ball game altogether.

Love aaj Kal

Naah this is not a review of that crappy movie. Actually the movie was good enough, but was eerily similar to my life story so I chose to not like it. I've been wanting to write about this for quite sometime now. Although I had sworn to myself to never write about love again, today I feel like it.

I spent almost all of my college life being in a relationship, like most of us do. It gives a weird thrill and honestly it is an 'in' thing during college life. What happens after that nobody really cares. But that love was the best phase of life. Juvenile maybe, but it was beautiful. Bunking classes to meet, stolen kisses, careless whispers and what not. Sigh, that was life. That was love.

But look at what has happened to love now. People now seem to make a mockery out of it. Infidelity, affairs, friends with benefits, open relationships, casual dating and flings seem to rule and work. The way my relationship ended turned me into a commitment phobe. Its always nice to have someone around but the minute it tends to get serious I choose to run away. Its sad but that's me. They say that most of us are victims of situations and as it turns out, I'm one too.

There is no harm in getting into a casual relationship provided both of them are aware of it. I have nothing against flings or friends with benefits, provided it is with one person at a time and both are aware as to what is happening. Its easy to get involved in this day and age, but somewhere lines need to be drawn. Love now is not about chocolates and flowers, its about dating first to see if things work out and then going ahead with a relationship. In a weird way it seems to make sense to me. No point in giving friendship a different name and destroying the very root when things don't work out. Practicality as it is called. It is foolish in some way taking the beauty out of love, but honestly I don't feel that the 'butterflies in stomach' type of love exists anymore. Rather, we don't let it exist.

I have seen married people sleep around with colleagues and I do have friends who have been a part of many one night stands but care two hoots about it. For them life is all about being happy and staying happy irrespective of whether it is with one person or more. They seem happy so I don't question it. Nor do I want to judge them. Its their life and they chose to live it that way. Good for them.

I have always lived life on my terms. It may be wrong, but if I feel that it is alright I go ahead with it. After mourning for about three years, love now seems like an alien concept to me. Trust, compatibility and mutual respect don't seem to matter anymore. Its all about having fun now for however long it lasts. Nobody has to get hurt. Its liberating to not get emotionally involved with someone I'm sure, but the question is for how long is that going to last?

Lets talk

Him: You know if there is one thing that I hate about you, its your guts.
Me: You know I was thinking on the same lines.
Him: Really?
Me: Yeah. You lack a lot of things. The most important thing happens to be that. Guts.

Her: I wonder why we can never get along. Probably its because you are a bitch.
Me: Yeah, I'm kinda forced to agree. I've read somewhere that bitches and whores never mix.

Him: Delhi is beautiful. Its one the best places I've been to. Its heaven. You are missing out on something. You seem to be listening, but do you understand is the question.
Me: Ofcourse I understand. Do I care is the question.

Her: He's perfect for me. I love him so much. Its sad you'll never know how it feels.
Me: Yeah. Every first timer thinks just like you.

Him: You missed out on a pristine untouched beauty.
Me: I don't know or care about the pristine and untouched part. But beauty I seriously beg to differ.

Her: Its over. Stop mourning will you?
Me: When did you die?

Him: You're drunk.
Me: I'll be sober tomorrow. You'll still be ugly. (I had read this somewhere, it was the perfect moment to use it)

Her: I don't like your lifestyle. Its so not me.
Me: Did I ask?

Him: I told you not to do it.
Me: Yeah, you also told that you would change.

Her: Why do you detest me so much?
Me: I don't detest you. That's a strong word for a weakling like you. Try something simple. Hate perhaps?

There are a lot of people out there who try their best to make you feel like crap. Get them out of your life, or give it back to them.

Its a pity that not everyone gets sarcasm. For such kind, break it out so that they can understand.

Love vs Passion

Everything seems so different
As I wake up next to you
Last night was meant to happen
One thing that both of us knew

There is a smile on us both
Its all wrong but seems so right
The birds seem to chant a tune
The sun seems to shine more bright

It may have been hunger and thirst
But every touch cast a spell
A splash of feelings strike me hard
Is love included I can't tell

Your hands ruffle my hair
As it begins to slightly rain
It all seems so neat and perfect
Washing away the guilt and the pain

Is this magic only for now
Will this moment ever repeat
We both seem to nod a yes
As we cuddle in each others heat

You look deep into my blackened eyes
Is that love that I see?
No please don't do that to me
For me, love it can never be

Why don't we just live this day
Let us untie all the strings
I just want to lie with you
As you breathe out our smoke rings

When you reach for my lips
My toes curl and I feel a chill
As you sniff down my neck
My bloods warms up with the thrill

You infuse life into me
It very well seems worth the cost
In this unsaid battle with passion
Love somewhere seems to have lost

P.S: This post is inspired by the movie 'Murder 2'

Its been a Good day

Yay! Today has been a real good day for me. First, because its my best friend Priya's birthday. Second, my blog hit a 100 followers. Third, I got my first blog award. I'm ecstatic.

I'll start with the award first. Thank you so much alchemist for this. You have been wonderful and kind with your comments and advices. You are one of the very few people who tend to see the real me in my posts. Your blog 'At the crossroads' is very special to me. Mostly because I find myself standing there more than half of the times wondering which side to go. Your posts infuse the right sense into me and more often than not leaves me smiling. Thanks a lot for everything.

This is my first ever award! I've been writing for more than two years now and its been a regular part of my life. Well with rewards come responsibilities they say. The conditions that come with this award are:

1. Write a post displaying the award, which is what we are doing here.
2. Write three good things about blogging.
3. Write three bad things about blogging.
4. Pass on this award to three new bloggers.

Three good things
1. Blogging gives me an ideal space to vent out feelings, frustrations, thoughts and my rants. If not for this space, I'd still be nursing clinical depression. My blog lets me be me.
2. I have met so many wonderful people through my blog. These people have stood by me through every walk of life since my blog has started.
3. Blogging provides me an insight into various other unheard of topics. It makes me realise that there is so much in this world that I don't even think of. In short, blogging for me is educative.

Three bad things
1. You can't restrict the audience from forming their own opinions. Its natural I know, but kinda gets on to you at times.
2. Blogging makes me feel foolish when my mind is a complete blank. I'm like 'Damn it, am I so stupid that I can't of a thing to write?'. Makes me feel low.
3. Blogging is extremely addictive. I actually visit my blog page more than I do Facebook.

Three bloggers I pass this award to
1. Mansi, who is the owner of the blog 'Aashayein'. Her writing is so simple and innocent that you cannot help but fall in love with it. She doesn't write often these days, but when ever she does I'm ready to read it as she seems to write a leaf out of my life with every single post of hers.
2. Runaway Kirik, who writes beautifully at 'The Pensieve'. Her writing is so natural and effortless and to the point. No nonsense and rants you'll find here. Again, the recently married Kirik hardly seems to find the time to write these days, but when ever she does, its a treat to the eyes and the mind.
3. The Red Handed lass who writes at, well, 'Red Handed'! The url reads an uglyhead but what you find there is anything but that. Its a beautiful head out there with beautiful thoughts. Every post she writes is so genuine and makes me want to visit her more often. I stumbled upon her blog last week and I went on to read every single post of hers. Sheer brilliance!

Phew, narrowing down to only three bloggers to pass on the award was the worst thing ever. I'm glad I'm done with it!
So, today we are at a happy 100. Century! I'm so proud of my blog. And well, myself. I started this place only so that I could vent and rant as and when I wanted to. But soon it became the most important part of my life. Every single thing I go through has been here. Be it good, bad or ugly. My brutally honest posts hurt me more than anyone else most of the times. But that's me and that's the way I am. I have disappointed a lot of people with my posts oflate. But with the toggling emotions I'm going through, its hard not to get it out. But I'm learning to stay in control now and will try to make this blog a happy place to visit. For me and everyone else. Thank you guys for all your support.
Now coming to the one of the most important women in my life, Priya. Its her birthday today and I just want to let her know how much she means to me. That's her on my right in the above pic. This was taken on New Year's eve 2011. My God, we were so drunk that day that we could barely stand. I so love the above pic. We look bad, but so stupidly happy in it :)

Just so you all know she is the very one for whom I wrote 'A Note of Apology'. Madam was acting all cranky then, but again we sorted out our differences and are back together and happy. I have a lot of friends but I'm very close to a very few. And she is the sole female recipient of my closeness award. I'm an extrovert and she an introvert. I scream and yell, she's quiet and calm. I talk, she listens. I breathe fire, she's the epitome of patience. I think black and white, she thinks of the rainbow. I curse and crib, she hopes and consoles. She's the complete opposite of me and that's the very reason why I can't do without her. The only person whom I fear in my life. She completes me in a weird way and I love her bluntness where she tries to tame the rude loud me. I've shared 12 years of my life with her. We've been through tough times together. Be it family problems, love, boy friends, breakups, work and day to day crap. We've done everything. Right from stealing mangoes together in school to getting sloshed and passing out. We tell each other the dirtiest of secrets and still know that we can understand the other without quite judging her. Life's never been easy, but having her around eases it a bit. I love you Priya and you mean a lot to me. I wish you all the happiness in the world and a guy who will love and respect you the way you are. This time, just make sure he likes me too :P

So damaged, So numb