A Note of Apology





Ever had that feeling where you are stuck in a crowded room screaming your lungs out and noone looks up? Ever felt lonely even when you are surrounded by people who call themselves friends? Ever felt that unbearable urge to talk to one particular person in the middle of the night but are unable to? Ever felt the need to sit back and think of how the past few years of life have been? Well, I felt all of this last night and so I did.

Warning: An extraordinarily long post below.

Me: A totally spoilt brat who has to have things her way, by hook or by crook. An angry young thing who has an opinion about every possible thing but fails to acknowledge the fact that others do too. Short on patience and stubborn enough to let go of people due to that. A hypocrite when it comes to love. An expert of masks and armour when it comes to facing the world. Too sharp, too blunt, too bold for all the wrong things. I know all of these things and this is not a thing I regret or loathe. I somehow manage to make this work and survive.

But today I realised that I can be wrong too. So wrong that I'm feeling this excruciating guilt inside of me. Life's moving on smoothly but I'm losing hold of a few things. People, friends. Work's been so hectic that like I mentioned in my previous post I've been neglecting a lot of people around me. I've only been concentrating on myself and the immediate things and people who help me get past each day. I've grown selfish over these years and all that mattered was my life, my way and my sanity. But I was wrong. So wrong. I knew I was doing a lot of wrong things all this while, but never thought about it much because it gave me temporary happiness. But the guilt now has accumulated and is coming out at the wrong time and in the wrong way. I'm sitting at home on a weekend trying to complete my work and its all getting messed up. I can't seem to concentrate at all. I owe an apology to a lot of people and myself.

To my parents: I'm sorry Mom and dad I'm just not able to spend time with you guys. I don't remember the last time we all sat together and spoke. Even if I manage to squeeze out sometime in between, I prefer to go out and spend it with my friends. That's bad. Just give me sometime. I'll sort things out at work and try to work on this thing called 'work life balance'.

To my best friend: Today you had me crying. We've fought a million times before this but it never mattered much like it did today. You have been the major object of my neglecting I know and I feel awful about it. You have been around whenever I needed you and stood by me throughout my ups and downs for over 10 years now. I know I come to you only when I'm down and when I need to whine about the guys in my life. I'm the talker amongst us I know, but it doesn't mean that I take this bad advantage of it. You have no idea how pathetic I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry for all this. You have been the most stable part of my life and I can't afford to lose you. I accept that I was wrong, will work on myself. I seriously am not used to using such words with girls, you know me. Hence I'm writing here. It would have been much easier to pick up the phone and talk to you directly, but today I just couldn't. You have always thought of me as this strong and rough woman and it wouldn't have been nice for you to hear me breakdown. I'm extremely sorry for the past few months of my whiny behaviour. Please forgive me and I hope we'll stay friends. And never ever say that I'm not your support, I'm always here whenever and at whatever time you need me.

To you: First of all let me take the advice of my friend from Pune and accept this. I shall never be able to get over you. I loved you and I still love you. I'm gonna love you to death. And noone and nothing can change this. Not even myself. Its foolish that I'm trying so hard and so desperately. I'm miserably failing but am trying to camouflage it by rejoicing in small bouts of happiness and blending in with the distractions around me. Bottom line, I'm never ever going to get over you, plainly because I don't want to. I'm totally in love with the idea of being in love with you. You are the thought of perfection that is etched in my mind and its gonna remain that way. Period. I'm sorry I feel this way. Actually I'm not. I Love you and I have absolutely no regrets. I can live my life just with this thought. Period again.

To my recent ex friends: Thanks to the above part I hurt you guys a lot. I had no right of tangling your lives along with mine when I myself was so fucked up. But trust me, I had only friendship in mind and had to let go when you did not feel the same. Its tough to be in a place like mine trust me. But its totally wrong to get into something with someone else in mind. I did not want to make false promises and so I backed out. If that hurt you then I'm sorry. But that was all I could do. All of you put together cannot replace the one who owns my body, mind and soul. I'm sorry but that's the fucking truth that troubles me too.

To the almost stranger: We got too close for comfort. We started off as acquaintances, then we turned enemies, then strangers, then back to acquaintances, then friends, then best friends, then you asked for something else, then we went back to being acquaintances and now almost strangers. I know you are hating me for all this, but trust me what I was with you is so not me. I usually don't get this close to guys with whom I've had toggling relationships. You seemed like an enigma to me, you brought fun into my life and took me to another world altogether where everything was so nice and so perfect. You taught me patience and how to love myself and how to rejoice in the small things of life. I whole heartedly thank you for that, but that's about it. You are very dear to me but the awkwardness between us now is killing me. I now think that we were better of as strangers. I'm glad that you are leaving soon and I don't have to see you everyday. I'm sorry that I'm rejoicing in the fact that you're going away. I'm sorry that I'm happy and am looking forward to it.

To my health: I'm so freaking sorry. I've been putting my body through hell with all the excessive smoking and drinking. I have absolutely no time for myself to visit a spa or to get a massage or a haircut. My work is taking a toll on me and the stress is driving me the wrong way. I need to sort it out. I had plans to quit on my birthday next month, but I'm going to start making the effort from now. My best friend is angry with me for this reason too and if I had to choose one among them I'd blindly choose her. I'm going to try to give it all up. YES I AM.

To myself: I don't know why is it so hard for me to accept simple things. I see what is happening around me but I set out with an attitude that nothing affects me. Its easy to show it out to the world, but when I go to bed at night it kills me. Honestly there are times when I go to sleep hoping that I don't wake up to see the next day. Stupid of me I know but that's the truth. I think too much and it annoys the hell out of me. They say that the truth sets you free. It sure does, but it first successfully manages to piss you off. My life was so organised and clean before. So was I. Seriously I'm someone else now. Someone whom I don't like anymore. I've had it with the adventures, I don't mind being boring for sometime. I'm making a promise to myself to sort out things as soon as I can. I'm very happy to go with the flow of life and live for the moment but its not worth it if I'm hurting people in the bargain. I'm selfish yes, but not to this extent. I'm going to make it work. Come what may.

P.S: I know you guys are thinking that I'm one hell of a confused soul. Yeah you're right! But this is the most honest post I've written in a long long time.

P.S2: Stranger, you win I lose. You got me to accept that I can lose too. Not bad huh! No apology to you, just a sincere thanks.



7 comments:

  1. That maybe a beginning... Atleast I hope so. :)

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  2. It's all right :P :D

    No, you don't need to apologize, rather make amends ASAP. And you're doing that right? :)

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  3. that was one spicy confession cum apology. don't get me wrong, by spicy i only meant meaty. shit. wrong word again.

    anyways. you take care. of yourself. the rest will take care of itself. and by god, take care of yourself.

    by the way, you aint confused. you just don't know what you want. :)

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  4. Soums....ahhhh ,this is the nicest blog you've written...every lines seems so touching and i want to salute you for one thing ---HONESTY.
    Your piece is full of honesty ,no hypocrisy..

    Also, forgiving yourself and others is one great thing ! More blessings to you and wishing you an inner peace! love ya!

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  5. @Ice Maiden,
    I hope so too. And thank you so much, you know for what :)

    @BA,
    Hahaha, did that. Somethings worked, some didn't. Can't seem to care anymore :)

    @Raj,
    Hahaha that was quite a comment. I'm doing fine now thank you.
    True, but the worst part is I don't know what I don't want either! Now, what would you call that? :)

    @Angel,
    Thank you so much. Love ya back!

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  6. Genuine feelings and sincere apologies.

    Many have felt a similar turmoil in their life, several have felt the need to document it but only few have felt the courage to document it and publish it to the world.

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  7. @alchemist,
    I felt the need and that immediately gave me the courage. Welcome to my blog!

    ReplyDelete

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