We Could Have Been

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It was not easy to walk out of your life. I know I hurt you, but I was the one who was hurt more. I loved you so much that I couldn't look beyond you. My whole life was centered around you without me realizing it. It was love at first sight for me, but when we became friends and I started spending more time with you I realized that what I felt was much more than love. It was madness. We were as different as chalk and cheese. You were the sophisticated lady and I was the local hero. Yet, situations brought us closer. You were by my side through every moment of mine. You laughed with me during my good times and offered a shoulder to cry on during my low times. You were all that I needed. Your love helped me heal in more ways than one. Having you by my side made me win every battle. I could drown in your thoughts and wanted to remain there. We did not define our relationship. People called it "Friends with benefits", but I was sure that one day you would be my wife. Every night that we spent together made me fall in love with you more and more. You did not ask for a commitment nor did I feel the need for one. I know you belonged to me wholly. Years of being in love with you and having you by my side every night and morning seemed too good to be true. 

I knew that I was a lucky bastard as I had it all going right for me. You completed me and there came a time when I could not imagine myself without you. I was afraid that I could not function without you. It scared me to the core. What if you left me and I was lost forever? I was so enveloped in you that I could see no trace of myself in me. I am not blaming you my love, I am the sole one responsible for this. That is why I walked away, to find myself again. But that turned out to be the worst decision of my life. I did not know where to go and by the time I realized it, I was too far away to return. I had everything going in my life, except you. There was a void in my life that only you could fill, but I couldn't do anything about it. I got married to someone else owing to family pressure. Today I have no feelings for my wife and I try to search for you in her but in vain. I'm stuck in a painful life that I feel like not living anymore. Your thoughts plague me and the pain helped me realize why I was lost in you. There was no need for me to go search for myself. You and I were no longer two people. You were lost in me and I in you. Together we were one. Now I realize that. But not a day has passed without me thinking how life would have been had I not walked away.

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I resisted your charms for as long as I could. But when you are too careful, you lose control of the situation they say. And there I was, fallen head over heels in love with you. I was the polished extrovert and you the typical romeo who I would never have looked at if I did not know you already. And yet, it was love. I said east, you said west, and yet we managed to co-exist beautifully. You brought the fun in my otherwise black and white life. You helped me loosen up and I in turn gave you the love you desired. Nothing about our relationship was defined, but I felt that you were made to complete me. I did not feel the need to give our relationship a name as I had everything that I wanted, even without a name. People mocked us for not accepting the fact that we were a "couple" now, but it did not matter to me. I knew it deep within myself that you were my soul mate. Every night in your arms gave me the peace that I had been looking for since ages. Everything thing about you drove me crazy. The way you charmed people, the way you broke the rules and even the way you hurled abuses. Strange, for a city bred girl like me. Yet, I gave in completely to you. I knew if I had you I needed nothing else. I knew I would always have you by my side no matter what happens.

But when you walked away, I did not feel anything. I felt pain, no doubt but not as much as I had feared before. Not having you my life made me learn and do things for myself. I felt a sense of freedom and independence. It funny that I had never thought about it while we were together. Now I myself could do the things that you had been doing for me until now. And yes, I felt proud. All the pain I felt while you left had turned into something that I was now proud of. But that lasted only a while. After a few days I began missing your actual presence. But it was too late to turn back and look for you. I missed your jokes, your irritating habits. I felt like a part of me was no longer alive. I somehow moved on and got married, but I'm now only living a life of pretense. It has been years since you left, but not a day has passed when I do not think about you. I do not feel like doing any of the things that I learnt in your absence. Everywhere I look, I see you. There was no way that I could not be dependent on you. You were embedded in me; body, mind and soul. And there was so way that I could free my soul from me. I have it all going right for me now, but I cannot help but think how life would have turned out had I not let you walk away.

13 comments:

  1. Ouch! That hurts. But I'm glad to be reading your fiction again. I'd missed your stories, Babe.

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    1. Thank you dear. I hope I find time to write more soon :)

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  2. wow, loved both sides to the tale. The what ifs often lead us to madness.

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  3. May be they could have held on for a little longer.A nice narration.

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    1. Maybe they should have. Thank you KP!

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  4. This is beautiful beyond words. The situation is all too familiar, have seen a lot of friends in it and few of them even regret making the wrong decision even years after the so called 'moving on". Loved reading it.

    Aditi's Monologue

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  5. So true and current. Happens so often.

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