Between Him And Her

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"What ever I tell you, you shouldn't tell it to your husband", this was one of the things my mother-in-law told me during the early days of my marriage. I found it extremely odd but did not react. Five minutes later, I told my husband about this. While I'm pretty good at keeping secrets, I do not hide anything from my husband. I never did, I never will. It is not something that is a compulsion, it just comes out effortlessly during a conversation. Same thing with him too. We don't plan a list of things to tell each other. We just talk and end up speaking about everything around. While most couples do not spend time talking to one another, conversations are something that keep us going. If you feel the need to hide something from your partner or intentionally decide to not tell him/her about something, then something is not right. Well, unless it is a pleasant surprise for an occasion, hiding things is not good for any kind of relationship. Especially the one between a man and wife.

A lot of people told me not to tell my husband everything about my family and my past. I found that hideous. They said that he might use it to point a finger at me later. Some people seriously do have the wildest of imaginations. A few years ago, when an ex of mine found out that I was getting married he left me a message telling me that he's gonna let my future husband know about all the things that happened "between" us. I asked him if he wanted my fiance's email id or phone number to let him know. I haven't heard from him since that day. It is amusing to think that people assume that there are certain secrets between a man and his wife.

As ridiculous as it is, I know of cases where this is in fact true. I have friends, pretty close ones in fact, who have had arranged marriages owing to family pressure and the man they married has no clue about their past relationships. Every time I go to visit a friend of mine, she goes "Please don't mention his name in front of my husband". I find it strange that in 2017, people are still afraid of telling their current partners about their previous ones. Of course you do not have to get into the minute details. Just letting them know that there was someone else before them doesn't hurt. If he/she is not mature enough to understand that it is just the past, then they do not deserve to be with you.

One of the main things that couples hide from each other are family secrets. My husband and I share one side of the family, but he was surprised when I told him about a certain few things. Again, I did not make a list of things that I should tell him everyday, it just came out in the flow. My husband did the same too. What ever we were, what our families are, were all out in the open in front of us. Lying and hiding things will only cause embarrassment later. The relationship between a couple should always be transparent and honest. My husband and I discuss every issue, no matter how trivial or silly it is. It becomes a part of our daily conversations and we speak about it and let it go. We don't debate on it nor do we dissect it.

Parents too need to understand that it is important for the partner of their child to be involved in family matters and have nothing hidden from them. Expecting your son/daughter not to share things with their partner is really cheap and that goes on to show how much you have accepted the other person as your own. During the old days there might be fear involved saying that my husband might leave me if he knows some things about my family. Probably the very reason why some women still hide things about their families or their past from their husbands. Infidelity is not the only thing that can be attributed to cheating.

A relationship should be based on the foundation of trust and if you cannot talk to your partner about a certain few things, then it definitely is not a healthy relationship.

8 comments:

  1. Such words of wisdom Soumya. It is difficult to believe that you can live with someone all your life and still manage to keep secrets. How hard must that be! Besides honesty is the basic foundation of any relationship, specially this most special one between husband and wife.

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    1. Really Tulika. I find it so hard to believe that couples hold secrets between them. More so, when parents expect their children to keep things hidden from their partners.

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  2. I could not agree more. VT and I have no secrets - not ours not our families and like you both, we didn't sit to talk about them. They just happened :)
    Every relationship needs honesty.

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    1. Aren't such relationships the best? And peaceful :)

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  3. You hit the nail when you said that if there is something you can't discuss with your partner then that must be an issue. Absolutely, it must be an issue that needs to be solved, sooner rather than later. I think it's not possible to have a long lasting relationship unless you can say anything and everything to your partner, good or bad.

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    1. Thanks Naba, it is so sad to see couples trying to hide their past from their partners.

      I hope they realize the importance of honesty in a relationship soon.

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