Jab I Met Sejal #NotAMovieReview

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I watched 'Jab Harry Met Sejal' a fortnight ago and I wanted to know why any woman with a sane mind would agree to do the role of Sejal. The character of Sejal was flawed on so many levels, not that Harry was the best ever character written, it is just that Sejal was more annoying of the two. The movie stayed with me even after I had seen it and I gave myself all the excuses possible to figure out why Sejal was the way she was. I know we are in the era of feminism and it is "my choice" and all that, but still there were a million questions unanswered in my head. To give myself some sanity and to get this juvenile bullshit of a movie out of my system (No, Old Monk didn't help), I decided to sit down and have a chat with the one and only (thankfully!) Sejal.

A brief introduction before I start. Note: This is not a movie review. I didn't want to put in so much effort on something so minuscule.

Movie Name:

Jab Harry Met Sejal

Cast:

Shahrukh Khan as the brooding wannabe Jon Snow aka Harry aka Hairy.
Anushka Sharma as Miss Annoying wannabe Miss Sexy aka Sejal.

Director:

A terribly stoned ghost of Imtiaz Ali.

Since this is all happening in my head, I chose the location to be the same cafe in Budapest with the pristine white furniture where Sejal tries to mop the floor with her hand in the quest of finding her ring, because why not!

I: Hello Anushka, how do you do?

Anushka: Call me Sejal, please. You know what Sejal means right? (Does that annoying wave thingie)

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I: Okay, Sejal it is then. And yes, I do. Vividly.

Sejal: The wave helped na? Hain na?

I: Do you know the actual meaning of Sejal? It means pure and depth in character.

Sejal: I didn't know that. Anyway, the meaning is just like my character.

I: Yeah right! Can we get to our talk please?

Sejal: Ok che. This toh is reminding me of Kofi With Karan, I say.

I: Okay, if you insist.

Sejal: Maane?

I: Never mind. Let's start with why you decided to do this movie.

Sejal: Two words. Shahrukh and Imtiaz Ali. But that became three words na? (Starts counting her fingers)

I: I meant the character of Sejal. What made you do that?

Sejal: This. (Does the wave thing again)

I: Seriously?

Sejal: Yes. Also, I liked the character. She was sexy but not so sexy.

I: Sorry, what?

Sejal: My character. I was sexy, but Hairy didn't think that I was sexy.

I: I thought that the movie was about the ring that you lost and your quest to find it.

Sejal: What ring?

I: The same ring that turned up in your bag towards the end of the movie. The same ring on which the original title of the movie was based. That ring.

Sejal: Oh haan, that I forgot. Sory.

I: What did you think of Harry's character?

Sejal: That Shahrukh played it.

I: I get that. I meant what do you think of the character he played?

Sejal: Sexy! And very laayak too. *winks*

I: Sorry?

Sejal: Very sexy character he is, so I wanted him to get sexy feelings for me.

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I: Ah! So you think him dipping his finger into the navel of a white girl, like it was jar of Nutella, was sexy?

Sejal: *nods vigorously*

I: Wow! Okay, but why did you follow him in the middle of the night in an unknown place?

Sejal: I wanted him to see that I was sexy, okay? Remember my shimmering gold dress? And what about my dance moves?

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I: You mean you wanted to prove to him that you were sexy?

Sejal: Now you get it. *winks again*

I: But why? Why would you want to prove that you are sexy. You know that you are attractive right, then why the need to prove?

Sejal: Sory eh, I am not getting what you are saying.

I: Okay, let me talk your language. We all know Virat Kohli is an excellent batsman, but that doesn't mean that he has to carry his bat everywhere he goes, right?

Sejal: But he didn't lose his bat na.

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I: Never mind. Don't you think that the biggest irony of the movie was that you used the dialogue "So tum cheap aadmi ho na, main to nahi hu cheap. I am toh neat and clean."

Sejal: I said that? (Makes the wave again)

I: Yes you did. Just like how you took the selfie with the other white woman whom Harry rated lesser than you. Remember?

Sejal: Arey haan, of course I do. I still have that picture, want to see? (Takes phone out)

I: No, thank you! So you were okay with Harry rating women based on their sexuality?

Sejal: Ya, he is the hero na.

I: Yeah, so?

Sejal: So he can do what he wants. What matters is that he rated me higher than her. (Points to the picture on her phone)

I: Is that why you tell him to temporarily think that you are his girlfriend and cuddle with him in random places?

Sejal: Now you get it.

I: What made you fall in love with him though?

Sejal: Hairy is a gentleman. He took such good care of me throughout the trip and did not expect anything in return.

I: You do realize that your diamond merchant father was paying him to do so?

Sejal: Yes, Pappa is a gentleman too.

I: Yes, the very same gentleman who could pay for your flight tickets for country hopping but not for two rooms in a hotel?

Sejal: Sory eh, I am not getting what you are saying.

I: Leave it. What was your first reaction when you realized that you had lost the ring?

Sejal: Aaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I: What?

Sejal: This is how I reacted.

I: Alright. What was the first thought in your mind when you lost the ring?

Sejal: To go to every place I had visited over the past few days and look for the ring.

I: Did you not once check your belongings? Like for instance, the bag you are holding now?

Sejal: For what?

I: Never mind, again. What made you so sure that if the ring had slipped off your finger and fallen someplace, that it will still be there? Someone could have taken it.

Sejal: This is Europe okay. Not India. Only Indians are chor people.

I: Of course, because Indians never travel to Europe, right?

Sejal: A-one right!

I: So during the journey, you fell in love with Harry. For the amazing character that he has?

Sejal: Absolutely. Hairy is the best. He made me laayak.

I: He what?

Sejal: Sory. All this is very personal bedroom talk. *winks for the hundredth time*

I: So you cancelled your wedding to Praful (or something else) and decided to go to the venue on that particular date to see if Harry would come for you?

Sejal: Master plan, na?

I: Oh absolutely. What if he hadn't come? What if he hadn't decided to buy a suit on an impulse, fly down to India, brush his teeth and armpits in the washroom of the airport and come to the wedding venue? What then?

Sejal: Oh, I knew he would come. Come on, he rated me higher than that white lady na.

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I: Great. Can you help me explain the purpose of the "Radha" song? It just was too sudden and for no reason, just like most of the other billion songs in the movie.

Sejal: That I don't know. But my red dress was so pretty na?

I: Yeah, something in the movie had to be. So, you play a lawyer, right?

Sejal: Yes yes. Didn't you see my 20 Euro negotiation in some cafe that looks just like this with another white girl who happened to be Hairy's ex?

I: Yes. That scene was to prove that you are a lawyer?

Sejal: My idea! *yes, she winks again*

I: So in short, you are very happy with the character you played?

Sejal: Of course. She is a lawyer and she is very sexy as proved by Hairy. What's not to like?

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I: Perfect! Have you heard of a not so recent anymore word called "feminism"?

Sejal: Of course ya. I appeared on that magazine's cover recently too.

I: Great! I'm done, so I'll leave now. Would you be staying?

Sejal: Yes. Hairy is meeting me here. Today we have decided to compare me to all the other women here in this cafe and rate all of us one against the other. I'll stay.

I: Won't you get bored until he comes?

Sejal: No! I'll play this game until he comes. *does the wave thingie back and forth, repeatedly and overenthusiastically*

I: Okay, bye.

36 comments:

  1. Sory, Soumya, *doing wave* I am rolling around laughing here! I wish she and Hairy would read this. I can just picture you doing the interview... looking stern and irritated and visualizing that bottle of Old Monk waiting for you!

    By the way, what is "made me laayak?" I didn't get that. The same way Sejal did not get any of your questions :-D

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    1. Gosh, you have no idea about all the other questions that I had for her. I wanted to kill her by the end of the movie.

      I'll explain the laayak bit on whatsapp.

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  2. Who knew! You have a funny bone!!! :D:D:D:D
    Excellent stuff

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    1. Hey! I can be funny and organized and do personalized indoor projects at the same time :D

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  3. Soumya, I haven't seen the movie. But after reading this, I am getting so irritated with Sejal and her wave. I need to see that. I have no interest in seeing Hairy either. I can imagine this being so irritating. Her talks definitely doesn't sound like a lawyer.

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    1. Thank you Lata. You should watch the movie just for the kicks though :P

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  4. Ok you are the boss on this!! What an awesome interview; I could hear Sejal in my head while reading it and I was cracking up so so so bad!!! The wave thingy was truly annoying tho I just ilked the movie for SRK - I only went for him!!
    And yeah I didnt get the "laayak" thingy either - maybe I am not pronouncing it right ;-)

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    1. Thank you, Shalini. I went only for SRK too, but the side effect of Sejal was too hard to ignore.

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  5. Hahahhahaha this was hilarious! I read it in her accent from the movie and could picturise the scene. I haven't seen the movie, the trailer was enough to put me off.

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    1. Ah, lucky you! The things I do for the love of SRK.

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  6. Sejal is the most annoying character I have come across. If I have to rank Proff Umbridge and her, she would beat Umbridge hands down. You did a wonderful take on Sejal. I didn't even understand what she wanted or why she kept walking after him at night.

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    1. Oh you bet! Umbridge was like Mother Theresa when compared to Sejal.

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  7. This is so damn funny.. had me in splits! I guess Imtiaz Ali tried to make her as funny/lovable as Geet from Jab We Met and failed miserably!

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    1. Thank you, Chippi! Yes, she sure was a wannabe lot of things in this movie.

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  8. That was really funny, Soumya! :D

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  9. Hahahhahahhahahhaha this is so on point! X'D

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  10. Hehe Made me laugh out loud. Soumya, why did you waste your money on this movie which was slammed in all the reviews? The sad part is that accomplished actors do such parts. Really tragic!

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    1. These are some of things I do for the love of SRK. I still can't believe Anushka chose to do this movie. I mean after NH10, this?

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  11. You had me in splits - the wave, the wink - hilarious. Oh this Sejal is so clueless. And I kept imaging your scowling face as the interviewer. Such an absolute delight.

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    1. Thank you so much, Tulika. I'm glad you agree with me. Sejal will go down as one of the worst characters in movie history.

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  12. Oh man, I would have to watch the movie to figure this out :-)

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  13. Hahaha...I haven't watched the movie but probably I will now just to see how bad it is!

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    1. Oh you should! Then come back and read this, you'll understand it better.

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  14. I'm wondering if you've written about good movies done by Imtiaz Ali and Anushka Sharma. Better works like Highway and Rockstar. NH10 was a brave movie as well. You're a writer. You know it is not possible to always create good art. I'm pretty sure you've written shitty pieces as well.

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    1. Oh I've written a lot of shitty pieces, no denying that! I will never take away the awesome work from Anushka, Imtiaz or SRK for that matter. I have loved their previous movies and I think of them as some of the best directors/producers/actors this industry has. Exactly why a dud like this turns out to be more shocking when it involves great talent like this.

      But for the love I have for these three, this one will easily be forgotten.

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  15. You know, Soumya, you could give that Imtiaz Ali some gyaan on story writing!
    I am SO glad I did not see the stupid movie! And, what, Anuska's character is a lawyer? And, she has been shown doing all that nonsense? Kuch bhi, yaar! How much money did they spend on this dud?
    LOVED your post, Soumya! :)

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    1. Hahaha, you should watch the movie, just for kicks :P

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  16. I haven't watched the movie. After reading this I want to watch it. She sounds a lot annoying and dumb. Lawyer, really? Goof interview, Soumya. :)

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    1. You should watch it, you will understand the post much better then! :)

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  17. you have hit the right nail. I could imagine sejal (doing the wave thinggg) in the whole post. all the answers are so her...lol...till date i have no idea what is she?

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  18. Hahahaha! I am literally rolling on the floor laughing! I hadn't seen the movie and this #notamoviereview makes me never to watch it, even if I get the diamond ring! This is outright hilarious, Soumya. I was imagining you and Anushka throughout! :) :)

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  19. Ohhhh Hairy!!! I just hated this movie soooo much. Anushka will have to do something oscar-worthy to get back into my good books. This was the worst movie of all time.
    Good non-review :)

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