Too Good For You

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I think of you every time I look into the mirror. With every new break out, every new scar your memories come rushing. You said it was love at first sight for you and I never believed it. I do not, till date. You were the charmer, the one girls wanted to know. Let me correct myself, the other girls. I on the other hand found you to be full of yourself. A narcissist. There was a certain air around you that I wanted to stay away from. It felt fake, more like a make believe aura. I found you loud and obnoxious too.

Yet, you persisted. I'm prettier than everyone else, you said. I laughed it away as one of your lines. You didn't give up. You didn't give the other flawless girls a second look. You stayed by my side. It was difficult for me to even be friends with you. We had nothing in common, remember? I was well read with many hobbies and interests, and you, well, you were just you. Every time we spoke, you could only praise me or ask me out. Every single time. I was too secure in the way I looked and the kind of person I was - I Am. Somehow, your words helped me strengthen that. Maybe I was foolish to think so, but yes. A year passed, other men did ask me out too, but I wasn't interested in anyone. I was just happy being me and being by myself.

We never really became friends, did we? Which surprises me to think how did I ever fall in love with you. Till date, I've have no answer to this. We were like rubber and glue and yet we were there, together. Honestly, I don't even recall what we spoke about. But I remember laughing a lot. I was happy. I remember your laughs too. The loudest one was when you saw the oddly shaped birthmark on my thigh. I thought you were laughing because I told you that I thought the mark looked like a bunny. I only learnt the truth later. Once, on a random conversation, you called me black beauty. I smiled and ignored that too. Stupid, I was. Wasn't I?

I remember when you once kissed my waist and told me that my waist would look much better without the mole on the side. I was too lost in the throes of passion to take note or react. The sex was good, it was great actually! But as I look back, I realize that was all that we had. Soon, your occasional remarks turned frequent. You asked to stop shaving to whiten my underarms, next you asked me to drink milk everyday to clear my skin even though you knew that I hated the smell of milk. You called me beautiful and made such passionate love to me. The next second, you traced the scar on my back and snickered. Earlier, you used to kiss a breakout to help it heal. Or so you said. Now, you started pointing it out. The actual zit did not bother me. The fact that it bothered you, did.

There was no change in the love you gave me. Another year passed and we were so happy. Atleast I thought I was. But in reality, what I was going through was not love. It was abuse. No, you did not have to hit me to call it abuse. The fact that you mocked my flaws time and again did. Sometimes I think that these were the very same things you said you loved about me, then I realize that you only enjoyed the chase. Not where you arrived. You wanted me to feel blessed and here I was thinking if I was actually in love with you or not. I questioned myself a million times, because of you. No, not once because of the way I was. I questioned myself if this was love.

One day, as I looked into the mirror holding an ice cube at a recent breakout, I saw you in the background. Gorgeous and naked, you lay spread across the bed. But that is all that I saw. There was nothing else. Beyond your looks, it was all void. That was the day I started pitying you. There was nothing more to you than your looks. You couldn't hold a conversation, express an emotion or even understand it for that matter. What was it that I did with you? Today I know what it was. It was a mistake.

When I walked away the next day, you begged me to stay. I did not tell you why I was leaving, I did not want to hurt your ego. When others learnt that I had left you, your ego was bruised and eventually murdered. You see, that was what I was aiming for. You asked me a million times, sometimes I can still hear it in my head, as to why I was leaving you. Not once did you speak to me about the times we'd spent together or the emotions that we had vested in this so called relationship. All you could ask was how could someone like me, leave someone like you. I could answer all your questions with a few words, but I had a doubt if you would understand it or not. You always said I used big words, anyway. So, I just turned and left.

I think of you every time I look into the mirror. I look at my scars and feel beautiful. The bunny on my thigh now smiles at me. I feel free, I feel so free.

And to answer your question, I left you because I was too good for you.

4 comments:

  1. I was too good for you. Loved that. Hats off to her.
    Beautiful lines.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow Soumya this has been expressed so well! Loved the strength that is in the words here and the intention of the woman to love herself.

    ReplyDelete

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