Sixty Thoughts That Crossed My Mind While Watching The Zoya Factor #NotAMovieReview

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I am a huge fan of Dulquer Salmaan (DQ) and I genuinely feel that he's not choosing the right movies in Bollywood. While, 'Karwaan' was still good and he was splendid in his understated role, I was heart broken when they announced him as the male lead for 'The Zoya Factor'. These are not the kind of movies he should be doing and definitely not one opposite Sonam Kapoor. Watch him in the Malayalam movie 'Ustad Hotel' or 'Charlie' and in the Tamil movie 'O.K. Kanmani' to understand what I'm saying. He's looks like a dream and is a brilliant actor and can make waves in Bollywood if he chooses the right scripts. Stuff that Vicky Kaushal does comes to mind.

I haven't read Anuja Chauhan's book, but I wanted to watch this movie for DQ. I was not brave enough to watch Sonam Kapoor on the big screen so I waited for this movie to come online. When it did, I garnered truck loads of patience and sat down to watch this one. Here are the sixty thoughts that crossed my mind while watching another dud from Sonam Kapoor, and featuring one of the best actors in the country, Dulquer Salmaan - 'The Zoya Factor'.

********Spoiler Alert - The whole movie is a spoiler********

1. Fox star studies present? Woaah, major international feels coming.

2. Special thanks to Anil Kapoor and Shah Rukh Khan? They will appear in cameos I'm sure.

3. Oh SRK is the narrator? Well, some respite.

4. What's with all this slo-mo?

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5. Ah there's Dulquer! Drrroooooooooool!

6. Is that Sanjay Kapoor? Long time no see.

7. So, Zoya was born on the same day and time when India won the world cup in 1983. Her dad, the person in point 6, claims that she's the gift from the cricketing Gods and terms her lucky for cricket. Yes, like the only thing important in this world is cricket.

8. What's all this animation? And this annoying song? 'Lucky charm chaiye' it seems!

9. Is that Indira Gandhi in the song? WTF is happening!

Image Source - This also happens to be her expression throughout the movie!

10. What's that screeching noise? Ah wait, Sonam aka Zoya is talking.

11. She breaks the fourth wall in the movie? Nooooooooooo. Don't make her talk to the camera please.

12. Sikandar Kher is her brother. Interesting. He looks so thin. Is he a cricket player too?

13. Since people don't listen to Zoya, she decides to shout "Main watchman ki bachche ki ma banne waali hu" to prove the point.

14. Well, it works and no one cares.

15. This dentist fellow deserves a slap!

16. Her voice is ruined because of the anesthesia administered by the dentist? In the movie I mean. We are a little too late for that in real life.

17. There's Anil Kapoor dressed like a poor man's Jack's Sparrow. He claims to be an international actor here. I'm sure Aamir Khan felt the same after 'Thugs Of Hindostan'.

18. Why is she talking like that? Gosh, never thought I'll miss her actual voice.

19. Is this supposed to be funny? Like, really?

20. Please stop making her talk to the audience! PLEASE. STOP. IT. NOW!

21. Her expressions! Gosh, kill me! Kill me!

22. Oh wow, her boss wants to kill her. Well, I'm obviously on the boss's side.

23. There's DQ again! How can he looks so good every single time! That South Indian accent is so adorable. Loveeeeeeeeeeee.

24. So Zoya has to shoot an ad with the Indian cricket team in Sri Lanka and DQ aka Nikhil Khoda is the captain. Why does the entire cricket team look like a bloody college team?

25. Fireworks! She's dancing like a maniac on the streets of Sri Lanka to the fireworks. Moronic much?

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26. DQ looks like he's regretting being in this one already.

27. Wait, he finds her cute now? Puhlease!

28. A player asks her for an Asics shoe during the shoot and Zoya decides to stick the Asics logo on a plain white shoe and passes it off. I need to try that will all the Asics logo stickers I have handy.

29. Sonam aka Zoya aka Sonam is f*cking annoying as hell. AS HELL. What's with all the overacting, lady?

30. This woman should NOT be allowed to speak.

31. Zoya has breakfast with the Indian cricket team (after an insanely clumsy and totally unbelievable act) and convinces everyone, except the captain (Duh!) that she's a lucky charm for them. Interesting.

32. Her immediate next dialogue is "Is duniya mein mujse zyada unlucky koi nahi hai". Trust me sister, the audience watching the movie beg to differ.

33. Nikhil asks her out? Seriously? Oh wait, this is a movie.

34. India wins the match even when they had to get 8 runs of a ball. They get a six off a no ball, an extra ball, and win it. Lucky charm alert!

35. Soon, Zoya is asked to sign a contract (totaling to about a crore) for being the lucky mascot of the team. No, I'm not kidding. Poor Paul the Octopus.

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36. Nikhil turns up at Zoya's house and cooks for her? Why are you doing this, bro?

37. So, Zoya rejects the contract because Nikhil is not too happy with it. Interesting.

38. The guy is playing the world cup and she asks him if he's stressed! Seriously, what does he see in her?

39. Nikhil is the captain and the wicket keeper? And wears a number 7 jersey? Now, where have we see that before?

40. She suddenly thinks that he's with her only because she's, well, "lucky". She leaves him!

41. Her revenge plan is accepting the contract ASAP.

42. She wears weird clothes, all red for some reason, and starts blessing people.

43. Wow, people are selling her pictures and charms with her face on it. And, people are buying it!

44. The Indian team wins a match that they are sure to lose because it starts to rain. In the middle of summer. Yes, that's the Zoya power.

45. Why does she sleep on a bunker bed?

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46. Why is she dressed like a Goddess? Oh, they are now making an ad featuring her. OKAY.

47. In the middle of the ad shoot she realizes she's being used only for her luck. Which part of the lucky charm contract was not clear to you, lady?

48. She stays away from the next match and India loses to Sri Lanka. The public accuse her of being bribed by Sir Lankan officials. This is India, alright.

49. There is a locker room speech, of course.

50. This commentator is amazing! Where else would you get to hear stuff like "Jitna time Robin ek run ke liye le rahe hai, utne time mein Aadhar card ban jaata".

51. So, Robin is the ex-captain and Nikhil the current one. Turns out Robin is playing badly on purpose to make Nikhil's captaincy look bad.

52. So, Robin gets Nikhil run-out on purpose. In a world cup final, mind you. Country be damned!

53. Nikhil asks another player Harry to feign an injury and comes out as his runner. Gets Robin out on purpose. Because if there is no tit for tat in cricket, where else would it be?

54. Meanwhile, the crowd that has gathered outside Zoya's house deeming her a traitor is now watching the match through the window. Her father and brother are serving them snacks. Yes, to the same crowd who was pelting stones at their window a while ago. Athithi Devo Bhava? Aamir Khan would be proud.

55. India wins the world cup without Zoya's luck. Damn, I did not see that coming!

56. Nikhil, instead of celebrating the win and addressing the media decides to pop over to Zoya's house. Again.

57. The crowd has vanished by then. If only they knew that the captain would turn up here as soon as he wins the world cup final.

58. Sanjay Kapoor looks like Manoj Bajpayee here. Sikandar Kher looks like Sanjay Kapoor.

59. Zoya and Nikhil get married and live happily ever after followed by a song called 'Pepsi Ki Kasam'.

60. How did this story make it to a movie? It shouldn't even have been a book in the first place.

16 comments:

  1. hehe..You know Soumya, you are right this shouldn't even be a book in the first place. I didn't like the book at all. I found the Zoya character annoying in the book and when Sonam was cast, I knew she would take the annoying bit to another level. The only reason I had actually picked up the book was to read it before trying to watch the movie because I like Dulquer too.

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    1. I've seen people praising the book and I was like why would anyone like such an annoying character! I only watched it for DQ.

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  2. Oh God, seriously?! This is the plot? Haven't read the book but I think it was a bestseller.
    Anyway, haven't seen the movie & don't want to {don't like Sonam Kapoor} but your post is very interesting, as usual.

    I've heard a lot about the hero but didn't know he is the Karwaan guy. Yes, new actors shouldn't work with Sonam Kapoor, especially if it's her home production. I wonder if she allowed the hero to perform because she overacted {she was so annoying} in Khubsoorat {watched just for Fawad Khan} and didn't let Fawad Khan perform.

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    1. Oh you said it, Tarang. Let's face it, Sonam sucks as an actor and I don't understand why people sign her for movies that have her overshadowing the other actor. I loved Fawad in Khoobsuarat and the rest of the supporting cast. Sonam was so damn annoying in it!

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  3. Hahaha😁. What a fun commentary. I read the book a decade ago and loved it. I'd like to watch the movie just to see how it compares with the book. Haven't watched any of Dulquer's work. Will check out his movies.

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  4. Trust me the book was quite funny and a thousand times better. They ruined it with this movie. And the protagonist did not look wee bit like Sonam kapoor.

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    1. Sonam said that all Anuja Chauhan's female protagonists are just like her in an interview. If she meant annoying, then I agree.

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  5. I actually liked the book and Anuja Chauhan's brand of desi rom com. The movie was atrocious though. You already know how I really despised SK in this movie. DQ is so good. I have seen the movies you've mentioned. He was good in Bangalore Days too. And I felt his diction was spot on not accented at all. But he really does need to choose better scripts in Hindi. Overall, what a stupid movie!

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    1. I just cannot read such stuff and after this movie I'm going to stay away from Indian authors more. DQ needs to pick better scripts in Bollywood.

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  6. There is no content in Zoya factor to make it to a book , forget movie. I was so disappointed that our darling DQ had been misused for this piece of ridiculousness.

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    1. DQ did not deserve it. Not in the least bit.

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  7. I haven’t read this book or watched the movie. Seriously this is the story? Dulquer is a superb actor in Malayalam movies (except ABCD, didn’t like the whole movie). He was in good in O K Kanmani also. I haven’t watched his Bollywood films yet.
    Your commentary y good, Soumya. :)

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    1. ABCD was a really flawed concept, he was good in it though :)

      Thank you, Vinitha.

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