An Ode To The Others

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This Sunday, there was this interesting article in the paper. Of mothers and others. Just the title made so much sense. I'm not a mother, so I guess I must be the other. The word sounds offensive or not, is a debate for another day.

My partner and I did talk about kids while we were dating. We had even thought of names and how we would bring them up. Still, there always was the question if we would feel the need to have one. Once we got married a couple of years later, we were clear that we wanted to be child-free. It was purely a personal choice, something that the both of us have discussed often and this is our decision alone. I don't think anyone else has a say in this. Yes, we do revisit our decision once in a while if some situations or scenarios pop-up and we always end up sticking to our original decision. We've been married for a decade now. We are voluntarily child-free and happy.

Since it has been years and the people in my inner circle know me and this decision, they don't ask me anything about it. When I meet new people and they hear this, they are not so kind. When I visited my obgyn for the first time and she asked me if I was planning a pregnancy and I said I don't intend to ever, she did not even flinch. She said okay and went ahead with my routine check. I was so happy to have a found a doctor with no judgements what so ever. Most people on the other hand haven't been even close to this.

Things I've heard as a child-free woman or as the other over the past few years:

~ How can you not want to have a child? As a woman, you MUST feel the need to have a child.

~ You are newly married, that's why you say this. You'll change your mind in a few years.

~ Are you that focused on your career that you cannot look beyond it?

~ Are you worried about getting out of shape? Stop being so vain.

~ Look at your friends having kids. Why would you want to be left out?

~ What about your future? Who will look after you?

~ Are your families okay with this?

~ Do you have a medical problem?

~ Aren't you worried about what the society would say?

~ Don't you have any maternal instinct?

Things my partner has heard as a childfree man:

~ Your wife doesn't want to have a child?

It is funny how the onus for this too, lies on the woman. Honestly, I don't know many people who have been voluntarily child-free. Just a couple, maybe. I know of people who aren't able to have children but want to, and it breaks my heart. People who want to have children should be able to have them without any hassles. The rigmarole of treatments might be worth it at the end of the day, but the emotional pain they have to go through is something else. I just read that today is World IVF Day. The very fact that the day exists shows how important having children is to most people.

Child-free couples or the others as now known are clearly a minority. Almost all our married friends have had a child or two by now. They may or may not understand our stand and we are fine with it. For us, having a child or not, is an option we can have an opinion on and not an inevitability. It is a conscious decision and we have no regrets. Down the line, if we feel the need to have a child we will. I'm totally fine to have a child in my forties too. I'm no Kareena Kapoor Khan but I trust my body and I shall trust the natural process. This is a very big if though and I already know the answer to it.

Like the article says, the descriptor 'childless' makes it feel like you are missing something in your life. While 'child-free' sounds a tad better, it can mean things in a cribbing sense. My partner and I like children, we just don't want to have one of our own. Yes, it makes complete sense.

We need to normalize not talking to couples about their plans on having children. It is insensitive and out-right nosy. Most couples want to have children and are trying their best to conceive, they might not want to talk about their struggles. Some couples might not want to have a child at the moment but are now pregnant and aren't completely happy about it, they too wouldn't want to talk about it. Couples who have never tried having children too fall in the same list. This is a personal call and no one else needs to know about it.

However, if the concept of being child-free is mentioned, it needs to be normalized. There is nothing great about being able to have a child. There is nothing offensive about not wanting to have one either. 

"A convention loses its force when breaching it doesn’t need an explanation" - this cannot be more true.

My Instagram bio proudly says that I'm a plant and pup mom. I am and nothing will change that. For me, mothering (not motherhood) is a state of mind. I've completely changed as a person since we got our pup home. I'm more organized, more aware and more sensitive now. It is not necessary for all women to have a maternal instinct. And if they do, it need not be for a child alone. I'm completely aware of the fact that my pup is not a substitute for a child. It is the world outside who thinks so.

Mothers have been celebrated enough! They have special days, movies, TV shows and articles written for them time and again. How about we celebrate the others once in a while? The ones who are still human and want to stay away from convention. The ones who know what they are doing. You don't have to overcompensate for the choice of not having a child. You don't have to become a CEO, run a business, have multiple god-kids, or travel the world. Do it if you want to, not because you have to, owing to the absence of a child. Rejoice in your choices. Rejoice in being you.

Here's to the others! You aren't doing anything wrong. You don't have to answer the questions thrown at you. You aren't special either. If motherhood is normal, so is otherhood.