Its past 3 am and I'm unable to sleep. I'm not new to the regular bouts of insomnia but this time I'm disturbed. All thanks to a certain someone. Aaaargghh, how I hate it when somebody occupies rent free space in my mind. If I was an outsider looking at myself now I would say that I'm in love. Or that I've totally lost it. Well, same difference I know. Big deal.
You know, I had sworn to myself to not think much anymore. Or just not think at all. But then, it happened. He happened. There always is something about the opposite sex right. The more you want to stay away the more attractive it gets. I've known him for quite a while now but the closeness happened a few months ago. I know, mistake number one. Refusing to be his girl, mistake number two. Thinking of him morning, noon and night, mistake number three. Who's to blame? I feel like holding a loaded gun to my head right now.
Everything was fine until a few days ago. We were what we were, being there for each other always, holding hands, showing love in our own ways. But suddenly too much of concern seems to be pouring in and I'm not liking it. Its like something I'm tied to, irrespective of choice. I need him around, but in what way I can't seem to fathom. He's the best thing that has happened to me in recent times and nothings gonna change that. I know that for a fact, but the outbursts of concerns and feelings is something that I would need more time to get used to. Or maybe I never will.
And then there are this pathetic breed of people who find extreme satisfaction in taking me down the guilt trip. 'You'll hurt him', 'This is not right', 'This is a meaningless relationship', 'I just don't understand what is going on between you two', 'What about your ex, you mourned for him for 3 years and now its all forgotten? Very bad', 'I hope you know what you are doing', 'Life is never this casual', 'Everybody needs something out of someone. Someday you will too'. And this is only the gist. Its people like this who make me enjoy solitude day by day.
First of all it is nobody's business but mine as to what I am doing and with whom. I'm only in it because it makes sense to me. Call it anything you want, friendship, love, lust, need, it makes no difference to me. Its between the two of us and if it works for us, then why are the rest poking their stinky noses into it?
I agree that it seems a bit complicated now. But its not the first time we have been through this phase. I have seen tears, pleading, jealousy, fights, anger, ego, insecurity and what not in the past. We have smoothly survived all that and I'm sure we'll it talk out and get past this too. We are totally different people with awesome understanding and one similar thought. He needs me and I need him. Come what may, this is one thing that will never change. I don't know if we will end up together or apart. Both make perfect sense to me, but I will do the right thing when the right time comes. If that's the case I know there was absolute no need for this post, but going to sleep with such heavy thoughts is so not a good idea. So here it is.
I'm fine. And so is he. If not anything else that is one thing I'll always make sure of.