I know & that's all that matters


Its past 3 am and I'm unable to sleep. I'm not new to the regular bouts of insomnia but this time I'm disturbed. All thanks to a certain someone. Aaaargghh, how I hate it when somebody occupies rent free space in my mind. If I was an outsider looking at myself now I would say that I'm in love. Or that I've totally lost it. Well, same difference I know. Big deal.

You know, I had sworn to myself to not think much anymore. Or just not think at all. But then, it happened. He happened. There always is something about the opposite sex right. The more you want to stay away the more attractive it gets. I've known him for quite a while now but the closeness happened a few months ago. I know, mistake number one. Refusing to be his girl, mistake number two. Thinking of him morning, noon and night, mistake number three. Who's to blame? I feel like holding a loaded gun to my head right now.

Everything was fine until a few days ago. We were what we were, being there for each other always, holding hands, showing love in our own ways. But suddenly too much of concern seems to be pouring in and I'm not liking it. Its like something I'm tied to, irrespective of choice. I need him around, but in what way I can't seem to fathom. He's the best thing that has happened to me in recent times and nothings gonna change that. I know that for a fact, but the outbursts of concerns and feelings is something that I would need more time to get used to. Or maybe I never will.

And then there are this pathetic breed of people who find extreme satisfaction in taking me down the guilt trip. 'You'll hurt him', 'This is not right', 'This is a meaningless relationship', 'I just don't understand what is going on between you two', 'What about your ex, you mourned for him for 3 years and now its all forgotten? Very bad', 'I hope you know what you are doing', 'Life is never this casual', 'Everybody needs something out of someone. Someday you will too'. And this is only the gist. Its people like this who make me enjoy solitude day by day.

First of all it is nobody's business but mine as to what I am doing and with whom. I'm only in it because it makes sense to me. Call it anything you want, friendship, love, lust, need, it makes no difference to me. Its between the two of us and if it works for us, then why are the rest poking their stinky noses into it?

I agree that it seems a bit complicated now. But its not the first time we have been through this phase. I have seen tears, pleading, jealousy, fights, anger, ego, insecurity and what not in the past. We have smoothly survived all that and I'm sure we'll it talk out and get past this too. We are totally different people with awesome understanding and one similar thought. He needs me and I need him. Come what may, this is one thing that will never change. I don't know if we will end up together or apart. Both make perfect sense to me, but I will do the right thing when the right time comes. If that's the case I know there was absolute no need for this post, but going to sleep with such heavy thoughts is so not a good idea. So here it is.

I'm fine. And so is he. If not anything else that is one thing I'll always make sure of.

24 comments:

  1. Just like some days back you said

    ''More than friends yet not lovers''

    I know what you must be going through cause such friendships get serious with time but its you who has to keep it calm and steady. Don't listen to others cause just like you said, its none of their business to tell you what to do or what not.

    Keep it as light as you can and don't let it rule your head all the time. Seriously, the more you'll think about him, the more frustrating it will get. Stay friends and maybe wait for the right time. If God believes, you both will end up together in any way. So, try to stop thinking about him too much and focus on whatever comes your way. He might be your most special friend, but i tell you what? See after a year or so, it the spark remains or not. Cause it does, than maybe this is the right guy. And if it does not, then it was just another infatuation. :)

    Keep writing.
    And COME OUT OF IT. :D

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  2. As long as both of you know what you are getting into, it's mostly the time to take a deep breath, tell interfere-rs to FO and take the plunge into the rosy water beneath.

    And mostly that's the hardest part because once you are down there, you will know - if he's right there next to you or never took the jump at all.

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  3. Another personal life experience..

    It was right after I broke up, when I needed to clear my head and get my life back together. I had literally NO IDEA how to be alone, and I was having a real hard time. Add to that the fact that all long lost people were suddenly interested in me now that I was single, I was thoroughly confused about life. Now my agenda has always been - Do what makes me happy. Heck, going out with my ex was one of that, and I dont regret it.

    Now friends, to use the term loosely, are well meaning and everything, will give you advice and everything... but at the end of the day - you are on your own. It was crazy till I realized that, because I was so... needy (yuck hate the sound of that now!) But the realization has been so liberating - it meant I was answerable to noone and had to do what I felt was right.

    So thats it about "well meaning friends".

    But also, from experience, I have found out that casual relationships often dont remain casual. If everything works out, you end up married :P (True Story! :)) or else one or both do end up getting hurt. But again, my philosophy - everyone gets hurt, jeez get over it. :) Simple and straightforward. :)

    Much Love,
    Annie.

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  4. I totally appreciate your honesty, girl :)
    If things between you two are good ,then it totally make sense to me as well!
    The relationship is between you two and not the whole world, after all!
    God Bless :)

    Love, Risha :)

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  5. I'm fine. And so is he. If not anything else that is one thing I'll always make sure of.

    I like you already :)

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  6. dnt heed odr ppl, ppl talk jst for the sake of talking... ur life ur choice, kapeesh ;)

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  7. ah these relations! I liked your courage to face things :]

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  8. ohh.. I was awake till 5 last nite.. be online next time you aren't able to sleep.. :)And never care for what others have to say.. it's just bullshit.. :))))

    Weakest LINK

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  9. I am into something similar right now to be true...and now that u have written this i guess i ll take a lesson and not make a mess of myself.
    but one thing i appreciate is 'u r true to ur own self' ..just keep that up..and problems are a part of life..if not this maybe something else..so y not live through this one with that person ( coz m sure even he is into similar circumstances)?
    no point getting serious in a temporary life...keep smiling :)


    sarah

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  10. It always becomes complex... this road is never simple,.. but then it does sorts out
    Listen to yourself, fuck the opinionated world

    aJ

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  11. I guess with all such wonderful advices given by the people above me, there is not much I can advise you in this regard.

    Except maybe this one, don't take anyone's advice.
    I know, this advice kind of contradicts itself but that's the case with our feelings also.

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  12. There is indeed great irony in discerning, for a relationship, just how far is far enough and how close is close enough. But well...if you both truly wish to be together, you'll eventually strike the right balance.
    Oh and yes, I agree life is best spent when we shut out those annoying voices trying to coax us into doing things.

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  13. yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is gift. That's why it's called "present" :)

    my best wishes for the future ^_^

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  14. The first two paragraphs... damn awesome :)
    i feel as if someone is reflecting my feelings..
    About the rest.. just wanna say people will go on saying don't get annoyed, neither turn a deaf ear to their words just listen and try to extract the positive out of it. This can only be possible if you keep your self stable.
    Keep smiling gal... its worthy :)
    lovely post !
    Take care :)

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  15. I agree with you. Sometimes the world gets confusing with its drama filled idiots. Forcing their thoughts on you. I say resist and follow your heart. It is smooth and ideal.

    I know its hard and everything, but you are doing fine. :) "If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad right?" :D

    Don't be too sad. :)

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  16. Soums...I love this post. It's but natural ,your in love and he also ,who cares ? Life is short ,do what ever makes you happy. Loved this line We are totally different people with awesome understanding and one similar thought. He needs me and I need him. Come what may, this is one thing that will never change.

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  17. i am so hooked to your blog! i like reading personal notes and yours are from the heart...i have been through what you mentioned and it's hard to understand...it is certainly your business and life, don't let others influence the decisions....

    hope men learn not to teach women all the time and things fall in place :)

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  18. @KN.,
    I'm glad that you could understand :)
    I know, lets give it some time and see if it still remains the same. Else? There are more fish in the sea right? :P
    I was never into it babe. Even if I was a bit, now I'm out.
    Thank you so so much :)

    @Priyanka,
    I know he'll take the jump, the problem is that I'm not too sure if I want to. But we're living for the present and its rosy here already.

    @Ice Maiden,
    Do what makes us happy. Amen to that!
    I hate the needy word too but that's the past right. Now we know our worth and we shall do what we feel is right.
    About everyone getting hurt, exactly! You just need to deal with it. And with the years of experience I have in it, I don't think its gonna be a problem for me either :)
    Thanks Annie, love ya :)

    @Risha Kalra,
    Thank you sweetie :). I'm glad it made sense to atleast you.

    @~Serendipity~,
    Thank you :)

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  19. @quartertoinsane,
    My choice indeed :D

    @Ifra Khaliq,
    Only courage lets you survive in the world. Thanks :)

    @Rachit,
    Oh yeah will remember that next time. Thanks :)
    Bullshitty crap indeed.

    @subtlescribbler,
    Please please don't make a mess of yourself. Absolutely noone is worth you. I love this line 'No point getting serious in a temporary life'. Gonna live by it from now on.
    Thank you so much :)

    @aakash,
    Amen!

    @alchemist,
    The perfect advice :). Thanks.

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  20. @salmanlatif,
    Its all about striking the right balance. And the annoying voices better left outside the door. Thanks for this.

    @shashank sapre,
    So true, and the present is looking beautiful. Thank you :)

    @Reicha Ahluwalia,
    Thank you so much girl! Welcome to my space :)

    @Srinidhi,
    How can it be bad if it makes me happy. So true :D
    I'm not sad honey, totally fine now. Thank you.

    @Angel,
    Thanks dear, but no I'm not in love. On the way to it maybe, but not there yet.

    @Chintan,
    The only hope is that they will fall into place soon. I know they will. Thank you so much for all the wonderful things you said :)

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  21. You know, your blog draws me because its a reflection of me. And also because I know, and I am waiting for that moment to come by and stay here to watch it, that one day you are going to be AMAZED at how awesome you really are. I know its going to happen, because it happened to me. Cheers to us! :)

    P.S: And when that day comes, it will need no post, no status update, no telling. It will be you and your mirror and a smile you will remember forever. True Story.

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  22. @Ice Maiden,
    You have no idea how nice this makes me feel. It will happen, I shall make it happen and you sure shall be around to watch it. Cheers!

    I'm waiting for the day to come and something tells me that its not far away.

    Thanks a ton Annie, for everything.

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  23. Soumya,

    Concern for the one you love or like is fine but when it starts taking hue of possessiveness that is when problems start. Giving space in a relationship is one of the important factors. When overconcern intrudes into space you know what results could be. Hope it is sorted out. I am sure you will do what is right at the appropriate time.

    Take care

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