In Conversation With The Veeres #NotAMovieReview

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After watching 'Veere Di Wedding' on the weekend, I decided to sit down and have a chat with the Veeres themselves as I had a lot of questions on my mind. When I called the producer, Rhea Kapoor, asking if I could have her four leading ladies for a chat, she was confused. I then corrected myself by asking for her two leading ladies and the two extras. Then, she got it. Soon, Sonam K Ahuja got in touch with me and put forth her demands before the interview. She wanted me to arrange four cameras and have two of it focusing on her and the other two on Kareena Kapoor Khan. She also asked me to get four comfortable couches as the women would be dressed in couture and there needs to be enough room for them to sit.

When I told her that I was only a small time interviewer with nothing but a notepad, she was not pleased. Nevertheless, since I had watched the movie and I was a woman, she agreed to go ahead with the interview. I met them on my terrace and was just thinking about ordering refreshments when a man came in with a huge cardboard box.

I: Hello? What is this? Where are the Veeres?

The man: Sonam madam asked me to bring this up first. They are coming now.

He leaves with a scowl and I open the box and I'm not at all surprised to see what it contains. Yes, you guessed it right. There were many packets of Bikaji snacks, some Amul ice-creams tubs, Air-India flyers, many glistening HSBC cards, UBER vouchers and a Videocon remote. I leave the box as is and sit down on my chair awaiting the ladies.

Soon, I hear a loud screech.

I: Oh my God! What is that awful noise?

Kareena: Hey you, creature. Relax. That's just Sonam saying Hello.

I: Ah, okay. Come in all of you. Your couches are ready.

Swara: Ewwww, don't call it a couch, it sounds like a casting couch. Call it a seat. I don't want to be reduced to sitting on a couch.

I: Errr, alright. Please sit down.

Sonam ignores me and waltzes to the first seat.

I: Hello, Sonam. How are you?

Sonam: I'm wearing Anamika Khanna today.

I: Good. But I asked how are you, not what are you wearing.

Sonam: That's usually the default question. You small time interviewers will never know that.

I: Yes, I guess, but......

Sonam shrieks and Kareena rolls her eyes.

Kareena: Relax ya, Sonam. Your voice is giving me a headache.

Sonam (looking at me angrily): I sent this box, so that you could arrange these items around the seating area. It needs to be seen in the interview. Swara, Shikha, help me scatter this around.

I: But.....

Sonam: Oh you shut up! We'll get it done.

I look at Kareena for help, but she's rolling her eyes again. Sonam and the other two women carefully lay the props around the seating area, hold some in their hands and Swara uses the Air-India flyers as a fan and gets busy fanning herself. Sonam has a tight grip on the Videocon remote, I wonder why.

I: Sonam, if you haven't noticed yet, there are no cameras around. It is just me and my notebook.

Sonam: Yeah, so what?

I: These products that you have placed, no point in having them around when there is no camera. Right?

Sonam: Huh?

Kareena (annoyed at God knows who): Oh never mind! You finish this interview quickly, lady. I need to get back to my son. He has a hair appointment today.

I: Okay, if you all are settled, let us start?

Sonam: Wait, one second.

She looks around at the other ladies, adjusts their gowns for them, checks the product placing again, looks at me with disgust, adjusts her hair and settles down finally.

Sonam: Okay, go ahead.

I: I'll start with you Kareena. This movie was an excellent comeback......

Sonam: Hai na? See Bebo, I told you.

Kareena: But the decision to do it was mine, na?

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I: I meant to say that the movie was an excellent comeback for your midriff.

Kareena: What excellent ya, they only gave me 4 months to lose weight and get back to shooting.

I: But still, the movie looked gorgeous. As did the four of you.

Sonam: My sister styled us, duh! Everything had to be gorgeous.

I: Shikha, are you alright? Do you need something? You are awfully quiet.

Shikha looks at Sonam who first rolls her eyes, nods and then presses a button on the remote that she's holding. Now, I know why.

Shikha: Nothing. You can ask me anything now.

I: You are a brilliant actress, Shikha, I loved you in 'Wake Up Sid'.

Shikha: Thank you.

I: What made you do this movie?

Sonam: I asked her, she said yes. That's it.

I: Errr, if you say so. Tell me Sonam, why did you guys wait for Kareena to have her baby and come back for this movie?

Sonam: See, Rhea and I were very clear that we wanted Kareena in the movie. Else it would have been a solo heroine project with just me in it.

Swara and Shikha clear their throats together and Sonam promptly hands them a lozenge each. She clearly was used to this.

Kareena: My pregnancy was so sudden ya. I told them to take someone else, but they waited for me instead. They even tried to incorporate my pregnancy in the story, but it didn't work out.

I: Really? Why?

Sonam (rolling her eyes): Oh come on! Her character is getting married. This is the entire story of the movie. We couldn't show a pregnant woman getting married na? We wouldn't risk showing something like that in India. Na baba.

I: But wait. Kareena could have played Shikha's role as the mother or Swara's role as the to be divorced woman. Her pregnancy could have been included easily then?

Sonam: Then I would have had to play her role na? But I had already prepared for my role of a lawyer.

I: Not necessarily. Swara or Shikha could have played the role.

Sonam: No, they couldn't have. Plus, we couldn't afford to have two fat women in the movie.

Shikha: Hey......

Sonam: Oh please, just be glad we signed you.

I: Moving on. Swara, how did it feel to play a rich, spoilt brat for the first time.

Swara: Come on, now. Don't reduce me to an HSBC card now eh.

I: What?

Swara: I was more than just a rich girl in the movie okay.

I: Oh yes. You also were smoking and drinking or smoking or drinking in every scene that featured you. What was that for?

Swara: How else would you show that I was rich?

I: That was the idea?

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Sonam: That was my idea. Swara had only played behenji types roles till date. We wanted to show her in a new avatar, so we went all out in this movie.

Swara (looking lovingly at Sonam): That's my best friend!

Sonam shrieks again as the Amul ice cream she had lovingly arranged on the seat next to her had now melted and was dripping down her exotic peach gown. Kareena rolls her eyes again and Swara and Shikha wait for permission to talk. I decide to break the ice (pun intended).

I: Kareena, What was that whole scratching the neck thing that your character does throughout the movie?

Kareena: Oh that! That was to show that I had a dysfunctional childhood and I do weird things when I get stressed.

I: Interesting, I must say. Can either of you tell me the number of times the F-word was used in the movie?

Sonam: 308 tak yaad hai....

Kareena (rolling her eyes again): Oh gawd, Sonam!

Swara and Shikha try to stifle their laughs.

Sonam: Huh?

I: That's the dialogue from another upcoming movie of yours, 'Sanju', not this one.

Sonam: Huh?

Kareena: Are we done? Can I leave? My son is waiting.

I: Just a few more minutes, please.

Kareena: Damn, your interview is getting longer than Karan's ya.

I: Sorry about that. I just have one more question and I want each one of you to answer it.

Kareena: Okay ya.

Sonam: Fine. Swara and Shikha can answer too.

Swara and Shikha nod in unison.

I: But before that, Swara, what is your take on the famous "apna haath jagannath" scene featuring you?

Swara: It was shot so aesthetically na? That was the turning point of the movie in my opinion. Everyone should have felt the vibration.

I: Sorry, what?

Swara: The vibration that every woman can take care of herself, okay. We don't need a man always.

I: Wasn't your character jobless and still using her Dad's money?

Swara: I wasn't using his money ok. It was his HSBC card.

I: Yeah, right!

Swara: So I was saying, we don't need a man all the time. But we do need them sometimes. *winks*

I: You guys clearly haven't heard of the bechdel test. Even if you have, this movie fails miserably in that account.

All four of them in unison: Huh?

I: Never mind. Honestly, I was surprised that there was no male bashing in the movie. I half expected it from the trailer though.

Sonam (sighing): What do you think this movie was about?

I: Actually, that was my last question. What exactly was the movie about? You start, Sonam.

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Sonam: Bollywood never had a female bonding movie until now. No movie was made with just two female leads and two other females. We wanted to show that women can have fun too. We wanted to talk about independent women. It is not about bitching all the time. Women friendships are all about support and uplifting one another.

I: But did the movie show that? You guys made fun of each other's sex life, the men you slept with, the loud Delhi family lives and the weight of the only mother in the group. What about this was uplifting? Also, talking about independence, what did you women do in the movie? I know that Sonam was a lawyer whose only preparation looked like she was inspired by Sejal. What about the other three? Why weren't their careers spoken about?

Swara: I didn't work. I only spent my father's money. After the 2 crores he spent on my sangeet and the 3.5 crores he spent for my wedding. The wedding that didn't even last three months.

I: You were educated though, right?

Swara: How is that relevant?

I: Never mind. Shikha, what do you think?

Shikha looks at Sonam and waits for that customary nod and remote press before proceeding.

Shikha: See, I was a mother in the movie. My whole time went to my son and I had no time to work. I was a home-maker, you could say. And to answer your first question, I think the movie was to show that women can bond well irrespective of how they look or how much money they have. It was supposed to be a fun movie that shows female bonding. It need not be necessarily about sex or the men in their lives. The intention was to just show the bonding. I'm not sure if everyone or the movie got that right.

I (clearly impressed): Wow! That was a really good answer, Shikha.

Shikha smiles while Sonam and Kareena roll their eyes. Swara continues to fan herself.

Kareena: Can I leave now?

I: You haven't answered the question yet.

Kareena: See ya, I don't know what the movie was about. I was the lead and the wedding in the movie was my wedding. Plus, after being a mother, this movie showed me as a young unmarried woman and I got to wear pretty clothes and look hawt. That's all I cared about.

I: I appreciate your honestly, Kareena. But, don't you think it gives new mothers all over the world unrealistic expectations about how to look, after having a baby?

Kareena: Yes, it does. But this movie motivated me to lose weight and tone up. The other women should do that too.

I: Wow, okay. In that case, it looks like I'm done with this interview.

Sonam (looking at me with disgust): I can't believe I ruined my gown for this. You don't even have cameras for God's sake. So much for my product placements.

I: You realized that now?

Sonam: At least I did. None of you did.

Kareena rolls her eyes and walks off. Swara and Shikha wait for Sonam to do the same and walk away quietly behind her. I'm just about to pop my migraine pill while Sonam comes in rushing.

Sonam: Hey you, whatever your name is, who do you think has acted the best in the movie?

I: Oh yes, I can answer that. Sumeet Vyas, Manoj Pahwa, Vivek Mushran....

Sonam: Ah never mind! Did you like the movie?

I: Honestly, it was not as bad as I expected it to be. You did not preach feminism or indulge in male bashing. But sadly, there was nothing in the movie apart from the fun you guys claim to have had. I didn't see the bonding and the only uplifting I saw was that of the colorful bras you girls wore and proudly flaunted.

Sonam: So, you liked it?

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I: You remember the scene in which Kalindi's MIL shows her the gown she's selected for her? Do you remember Kareena's reaction to it?

Sonam: Hmmmph. To hell with you.

While she collects her products and storms off, I pop two migraine pills with some water and mope over the three hours that I'll never get back again.

20 comments:

  1. haha...I haven't seen the movie and I'm not sure I want to. But somehow the reactions you just wrote from each of them seem so appropriate. I love these posts from you, Soumya! I really do.

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    1. You could watch it for the fun though. It is an annoyingly stupidly hilarious movie.

      Thank you so much Naba. As and when I find a movie worthwhile, I'll come up with something like this.

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  2. Hahaha!! You clearly didn't like the movie. And you know how much I liked it - simply from entertainment point of view. I also think it is the Punjabi bit which stuck a chord and I could relate to almost everything. The fact that so many women went to watch this movie with their 'veera's' is also awesome. I can go on and on ..hahaha!!!

    The only thing that I think could have been different was, for example, Goa instead of Phuket - less money, more heart.

    And you know what.. they censored 'the scene' here. I would have been disgusted coz it can never be shot aesthetically - be it male or female! Might have been a turning point for my review as well!!!

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    1. Hahaha - it has to be the Punjabi bit I guess :P

      Goa, yes! Maybe the Bikaji Bhujia would have made sense then. They censored the scene? Good. Trust me, it was not a good one at all. As modern as I am, it did make me cringe. I would have cringed even if it was a guy. Not sure why that was necessary in the movie.

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  3. Bang On! I am in love with your fucking honest opinions.
    Shikha actually did looked for the approval from Sonam and Kareena to speak in all the interviews.

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  4. This is SUCH a gem. You've so caught Kareena's 'ya' and the eyeroll she does all the time. Soumya you need to do more of these. This was beyond hilarious. I haven't seen the movie but am planning to.

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    1. Thank you, Tulika. Watch the movie and come back to read this. Would make more sense then.

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  5. Hahaha. Bang on! You got all the characters right and I could even envision them speaking the same way. I love the movie because I guess, this is how we women speak with our girlfriends. Open, light-hearted and full of fun. I didn't want to criticize having two main heroines and two backups, because that's what you should expect from a Bollywood movie. Hain na? It was clearly exhibited in the 'Tareefan' video. :)

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    1. Yeah! And this was supposed to break moulds in Bollywood. I wonder how :P

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  6. I havent watched the movie yet... but.... your post was hilarious!!!! Loved it, and the way, you subtly brought in the key points of the movie.

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    1. Do watch the movie and come back and read this.

      Thank you, Ramya.

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  7. Hey Soumya
    I left my expectations behind when went to watch this flick and I was surprised I quite enjoyed it. Yes could have been better directed albeit loads of fun I would say. The Delhi punjabi community is portrayed aptly.
    Though at times I did feel I was reliving Sex and the City, we all know the directors drew loads of inspiration from there. But this was one fun watch especially when accompanied with ones girlfriends.
    Your interview is way too good I must say. ��

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    1. I guess people from the North liked the movie because they could relate to it.

      This movie has oodles of SATC influence, sadly not much of the class.

      Thank you, Natasha.

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  8. I haven't seen the movie yet and have no interest to go and watch it in a theater either. I really enjoyed your honest review of the movie. And the entire write up seemed so much in tune with the interviews the four of them gave during the promotions. I especially enjoyed your Kareena a lot.

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    1. Oh yeah, these women are exactly like that in the movie as well. If possible, more annoying at that.

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  9. This was really so much fun, Soumya. I loved it. Even better because I haven't watched the movie. I think it will be fun to watch when it comes on satellite TV. 😊

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    1. Oh yes, but do watch it once for the comedy element.

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  10. I do agree with you. It was a complete 3 hours torture. I was actually half-way slept in the movie. Anyways, what more we might have expected from a movie casting Sonam Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor who was the cherry on the top.

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