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Lost & Found

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I haven't been feeling like myself since a while now. A change in my work-life dynamic torpedoed the semblance of normalcy I had created for myself. Everything is good, everything is meaningful. The only thing that I find lacking is time. Yeah, yeah, time management is the "it" word but I am losing myself to it. Today, as I read my last post, it makes me cringe. It feels so much like a rant. I make the points I intended to make, but it reeks of anger, frustration and negativity. I've realized that I shouldn't force myself to write something just because I haven't written something for a while. The result is never pretty. I'm a firm believer that one shouldn't be doing things just for the sake of it, and I seem to have let myself down here. 

Monotony has manifested as a deep-seated ennui in my daily work life, where the relentless cycle of meetings and routine tasks has drained my enthusiasm and creativity. This sense of weariness is compounded by the predictability and consistency of my schedules, making each day feel indistinguishable from the last. The repetitive nature of my responsibilities has lead to a pervasive negativity, where the lack of novelty and excitement has eroded my motivation. Much like a Wes Anderson movie with its meticulously crafted symmetry and consistent color palettes, my life has become a series of uniform, unvaried scenes, leaving me yearning for a break from the monotony while continuously seeking comfort in it. I know I contradict myself, but it is what it is.

Lazy weather further amplifies this feeling, as overcast skies and gloomy temperatures contribute to a sense of stagnation. The sluggish pace of such days mirrors my internal state, making it difficult to break free from the cycle of predictability. This environment, unfortunately, has fostered a mindset where every task feels like a chore, and the distinction between work and personal life has blurred into a homogeneous routine. As the days blend together, the consistency that mostly provides stability has begun to feel like a constraint, reinforcing the need for change and a departure from the mundane. This leaves me feeling lost. Both physically and mentally.

Lost in the chaos of a busy city that is bursting at its seams and making me travel to its other end for work, amidst hurried commuters and honking cars, I find myself grappling with chipped nail polish and a mind cluttered with endless tasks. In this whirlwind of busyness, there seems to be no time for self-love or even a moment to contemplate priorities. It's a constant juggle, a relentless push and pull between what must be done and what should be cherished. Sometimes, lost isn't just a physical state but a mental one too, where the sacrifice of personal well-being becomes a norm, and the concept of letting go feels like a distant luxury.

Yet, amid the clamor, there's a whisper urging me to pause, to recalibrate and embrace the essence of self-love. It's about recognizing that amidst the flurry of obligations and priorities, one's own well-being shouldn't be relegated. It's a gentle reminder that sometimes the greatest sacrifice is not of time or tasks but of the barriers we build against self-care. Perhaps being lost in this chaotic maze is an opportunity to find clarity, to sift through what's essential and what's excess, and to bravely let go of the burdens that weigh on my spirit. In these moments, amidst the rush and noise, my new  journey begins; a journey towards reclaiming balance and nurturing the soul. A bunch of great books that I've read in the recent past has helped me reinforce this. Laapata Ladies too. It indeed is funny how certain things strike a chord. 

Finding myself again has been a journey of embracing the simple joys amidst the complexities of life. It's about cherishing the love of good food with my loving partner and the warmth of puppy love, while also relishing the solitude of a low profile existence. I've been called boring because of this, so be it. Planning travel has become not just about exploring new destinations but also discovering new facets of my own being and clarity on what I actually enjoy. Amidst the pages of books and the changing weather, I've found moments of peace that have nurtured my soul and taught me the importance of self-care and the need to prioritize me-time. This explains the time I created, not managed, to write this.

Acceptance has played a crucial role in this quest, as I've learned to appreciate both the private moments of introspection and the joys shared with my little circle of loved ones. I've accepted the truth and selfishness of some people, friends and family included, and I have taken a couple of steps away from them. I'm learning to cultivate a deep connection with myself and embrace all aspects of life with gratitude. Finding myself once again has meant weaving together the threads of experience, love, and personal growth into a tapestry that reflects authenticity and inner peace. 

A peace I do not want to give up for anyone or anything. 

Comments

  1. I believe one should write even if one doesn't feel like writing, not publish it maybe but let it rest in the drafts till one is calmer. Not writing at all makes me not want to write at all. I get what you mean when you say there's comfort in routine yet a yearning to break out of it. I am glad you have the company of a supportive partner and that of good books.
    Laapata Ladies was such a wonderful watch. I find it amazing that it could cut across regional lines and appeal to people, specially women, across the country.
    A question: Does Bangalore have book-related events you could look for? That really helped me get out of a meh phase.

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