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Lost & Found

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I haven't been feeling like myself since a while now. A change in my work-life dynamic torpedoed the semblance of normalcy I had created for myself. Everything is good, everything is meaningful. The only thing that I find lacking is time. Yeah, yeah, time management is the "it" word but I am losing myself to it. Today, as I read my last post, it makes me cringe. It feels so much like a rant. I make the points I intended to make, but it reeks of anger, frustration and negativity. I've realized that I shouldn't force myself to write something just because I haven't written something for a while. The result is never pretty. I'm a firm believer that one shouldn't be doing things just for the sake of it, and I seem to have let myself down here. 

Monotony has manifested as a deep-seated ennui in my daily work life, where the relentless cycle of meetings and routine tasks has drained my enthusiasm and creativity. This sense of weariness is compounded by the predictability and consistency of my schedules, making each day feel indistinguishable from the last. The repetitive nature of my responsibilities has lead to a pervasive negativity, where the lack of novelty and excitement has eroded my motivation. Much like a Wes Anderson movie with its meticulously crafted symmetry and consistent color palettes, my life has become a series of uniform, unvaried scenes, leaving me yearning for a break from the monotony while continuously seeking comfort in it. I know I contradict myself, but it is what it is.

Lazy weather further amplifies this feeling, as overcast skies and gloomy temperatures contribute to a sense of stagnation. The sluggish pace of such days mirrors my internal state, making it difficult to break free from the cycle of predictability. This environment, unfortunately, has fostered a mindset where every task feels like a chore, and the distinction between work and personal life has blurred into a homogeneous routine. As the days blend together, the consistency that mostly provides stability has begun to feel like a constraint, reinforcing the need for change and a departure from the mundane. This leaves me feeling lost. Both physically and mentally.

Lost in the chaos of a busy city that is bursting at its seams and making me travel to its other end for work, amidst hurried commuters and honking cars, I find myself grappling with chipped nail polish and a mind cluttered with endless tasks. In this whirlwind of busyness, there seems to be no time for self-love or even a moment to contemplate priorities. It's a constant juggle, a relentless push and pull between what must be done and what should be cherished. Sometimes, lost isn't just a physical state but a mental one too, where the sacrifice of personal well-being becomes a norm, and the concept of letting go feels like a distant luxury.

Yet, amid the clamor, there's a whisper urging me to pause, to recalibrate and embrace the essence of self-love. It's about recognizing that amidst the flurry of obligations and priorities, one's own well-being shouldn't be relegated. It's a gentle reminder that sometimes the greatest sacrifice is not of time or tasks but of the barriers we build against self-care. Perhaps being lost in this chaotic maze is an opportunity to find clarity, to sift through what's essential and what's excess, and to bravely let go of the burdens that weigh on my spirit. In these moments, amidst the rush and noise, my new  journey begins; a journey towards reclaiming balance and nurturing the soul. A bunch of great books that I've read in the recent past has helped me reinforce this. Laapata Ladies too. It indeed is funny how certain things strike a chord. 

Finding myself again has been a journey of embracing the simple joys amidst the complexities of life. It's about cherishing the love of good food with my loving partner and the warmth of puppy love, while also relishing the solitude of a low profile existence. I've been called boring because of this, so be it. Planning travel has become not just about exploring new destinations but also discovering new facets of my own being and clarity on what I actually enjoy. Amidst the pages of books and the changing weather, I've found moments of peace that have nurtured my soul and taught me the importance of self-care and the need to prioritize me-time. This explains the time I created, not managed, to write this.

Acceptance has played a crucial role in this quest, as I've learned to appreciate both the private moments of introspection and the joys shared with my little circle of loved ones. I've accepted the truth and selfishness of some people, friends and family included, and I have taken a couple of steps away from them. I'm learning to cultivate a deep connection with myself and embrace all aspects of life with gratitude. Finding myself once again has meant weaving together the threads of experience, love, and personal growth into a tapestry that reflects authenticity and inner peace. 

A peace I do not want to give up for anyone or anything. 

Comments

  1. I believe one should write even if one doesn't feel like writing, not publish it maybe but let it rest in the drafts till one is calmer. Not writing at all makes me not want to write at all. I get what you mean when you say there's comfort in routine yet a yearning to break out of it. I am glad you have the company of a supportive partner and that of good books.
    Laapata Ladies was such a wonderful watch. I find it amazing that it could cut across regional lines and appeal to people, specially women, across the country.
    A question: Does Bangalore have book-related events you could look for? That really helped me get out of a meh phase.

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    1. Thank you for this comment, Tulika. I'm finally in that mental space where acceptance has seeped in. That movie was so well made and the cast was top notch! Bangalore has way too many events like these and it is about time I attended one. I'm going to look for one right away.

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  2. Time management becomes crucial when responsibilities increase, both in professional and personal life. I have realised that prioritising and letting go of a few things can make a lot of difference. Of course, letting go is so hard - letting go of a part of life, of hobbies, of interests to make space for new priorities- this constant tug of war can feel neverending. But if you think about it, it is all in our head. I never understood what acceptance meant in true sense until I found myself accepting the new reality. Ahhh being an adult is not fun. 😊
    Keep writing though. Ideas need space too. And yes, laapata ladies was surprisingly such a heart-warming and delightful watch.

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    1. Adulting sucks, right? I think with time we either learn or get used to it.

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  3. Your post reflects in a rather uncanny way, everything that I'm going through right now...all the things that you're fighting with are exactly the ones that have come to stand in the way for my self-care, writing and morning routines...the monotony of a routine life, the bleak weather, the lack of spontaneity in indulging in creative projects and the constant struggle to "manage" time have all been part of my angst too, but I'm resolving to push myself to write more often, now more than ever before. Loved watching Laapata Ladies and I'm now trying to get back to reading regularly again, just as it used to be once. I keep reminding myself to go easy when things get tough. You take care, Soumya! I pray that things begin to fall in place for you too and you start to prioritise your happiness with the small things, one at a time. Hugs dear!

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    1. Hugs back to you, Esha! I'm glad you are pushing yourself to write as I'm doing that too. It gets easier day by day, so that's a good sign. I'm sending you all the good vibes, Esha.

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  4. Your post reminded me of myself from some months ago, when everything felt like a burden I wanted to get rid of and find some peace and quiet so that I could do what I wished to do. I too wasn't writing for so long, I had lost touch with my laptop. I started writing in google docs some time back and now finally I am getting in touch with my writer mind. I too believe that one must not write when one doesn't feel like it. Maybe because that's what I was doing for so long! Now that I have started writing, I write even on days I am feeling low and have no idea what to write about. But on days when I do write 500 words, I feel wonderful! For me, that's one way to get away from life and soak in some peaceful and quiet moments to rejuvenate and refresh my mood and my mind. :)

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    1. Please sign in next time to comment, else this goes to spam :(

      I really hope you are feeling better now. I'm so glad you are writing regularly and that's simply wonderful!

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  5. I oscillate between this feeling of trapped in the monotonous routine and wanting to get out of it. Yet when I take a break, I can't wait to get back to my routine. What I learned is I need both the comfort and luxury that a monotonous routine can provide and the excitement and relaxation a break can offer in order to appreciate the comfort, the excitement, the luxury, and the relaxation in my boring life. You are aware of the pieces of your life that make it a true blessing, Soumya. I think that makes a huge difference even when you feel lost. Or especially when you feel lost. Keep writing. Hugs. 💛

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel like this. I think we all take too much for granted at times and we realize it only during the hard times. Thank you so much, Vinitha. Much love <3

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