The Honest Post - Phase 4

Read Phase-1 here / Read Phase-2 here / Read Phase-3 here


After realizing that it had begun, Cal asked me the question, "Will you marry me?" I use the word 'asked' instead of 'popped' because I knew it was coming. Someday sooner or later. And if you guys think that I said "Yes" immediately and we lived happily ever after, think again. This is way far from that. Me being a commitment phobe was skeptical about getting into a relationship and the fact that I was only 25 then did not help either. I was dealing with a lot of turmoil myself and did not want to involve someone else in my already fucked up life. You see, I did love him. That's why I wanted to keep him away until I sorted my life. I did not want to see him hurt, at any cost. I asked for time and he patiently agreed to give me all the time in the world.

We continued meeting everyday and he did not pester or force me to give him an answer. We just remained the way we were and played and laughed together. I carefully avoided the topic and he seemed to play along beautifully not once making me feel uncomfortable. I fell more in love with him then. He used to spend all his time with me and expected nothing from me. I had never met a guy like that before and believe me I have met loads of them. I knew he was not the most good looking or dashing guy, but he is the only guy who has invoked immense feelings inside me. Feelings of all kind. The feelings I had chosen to hide. Rather bury. But he got it all spewing out and I was soon seeing a new person in myself. A much happier person. And now don't over exercise your brain and think that I settled for him (going by the reacher-settler theory of HIMYM). Its not like I'm Miss Universe anyway. I'm realistic and I know what I can get.

It took me quite a while to get used to the new me. From an arrogant women I was turning into a soft spoken lady. My anger diminished with time and I felt at peace within myself. He was changing me without wanting to. And I was changing without realizing it. But what ever it was, both of us were loving the changes. I had always found it tough to embrace happiness. I don't know why, but I felt that if I embraced it, it would go away. He taught me how to do it. He worked over time to clear the clutter in my head. The chaos in my mind soon eased and I was turning into a better person day by day. And as bad luck would have it, I had some hormonal imbalance and started gaining weight. The stick thin me started blooming and I did not look anorexic anymore. Everyone told me that I looked more happier now. I nodded at all their statements taking time to adjust to my changes. One at a time. It is not as easy as typing it here. I mean imagine taking out 25 years of being a person! But since it was for the good, it was a tad bit easier.

Cal's question still remained unanswered and I knew a day would soon come when I would have to answer it. Still I kept quiet. Wondering if it was worth it. After a few bad relationships, you tend to doubt the very feeling behind it. And to make matters worse, we were related. I didn't want it to go down like 'just an old affair' like the many ones I know today. Its tough to walk around colleagues whom I've just dated, just imagine running into an ex-flame at all family occasions. All this, assuming that we might go down the drain someday. And this would happen if we got together. So, I was thinking about snipping it right at the bud. Yeah cringe all you want, but all I was thinking was of protecting him and me from a heartbreak. I knew he had had his share of pain and I didn't want to contribute to it in any way. Call me selfish if you wish, but I wanted a clear conscience.

But he was confident that we were meant to be. I would not be exaggerating if I said that he gave his heart and soul in getting this negative thought out of me. He would tutor me like a child at times and tell me to think positively. At times he was angered by my cynical approach towards life. I don't blame him, I'm a really tough person to handle. But he never gave up. While I did about 10% of the work, he did the 90%. He literally got into my head and cleaned out all the unwanted mess. Not only that, he replaced it with fresh thoughts and a clean organised outlook. I kept wondering why on earth was this guy doing so much for me? Fine, he loves me. But why would anyone do so much for someone else? And that too someone whom you have known closely only for a few months? Before these questions could crowd my head he gave me the answer; "I love you and I would do anything for you".

Yeah, that was enough to shut me up for a few days.

To be continued.

~ Soumya

8 comments:

  1. Awww.. When is part 5 coming up ?

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  2. Loving this phase. Eagerly waiting for the next phase.

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  3. So I read through the 4 posts and one go. Brace yourself for a long comment!!! :o

    It's really true, when you are honest and all you have to say the truth, writing it down is so easy and remembering that stuff is also easy. And yes, fiction does take a lot of time and effort.

    Personally, I believe tagging relationships ruins them. I understand that the nameless relationships are the best ones, where you get to live in the present. You have no regrets of the past and are not scared of the future. The great Indian society desperately needs to classify relationships between people, oh a boy and a girl, what are they friends? Boyfriend Girlfriend? Fiancee? Couple? Sometimes you just wish you could just forget the rest of the world and their worthless ties and just be with the person you feel good with. For the sake of our beloved society, let's say we are in a 'feel good' relationship.

    Even if you put the best minds into it, you still won't be able to know why people do certain things for each other. I just stopped over thinking and concluded that it's the hand of a higher power that those kind of people or that particular person enters your life and when he/she says, everything is going to be fine, it does get fine. Maybe he/she made it fine or just his/her presence makes it fine.

    You know, just yesterday I read this post by Nuha
    http://staringathenightsky.blogspot.in/2013/07/beneath-million-shadows.html

    It's not exactly same, but you'll get why I was getting the urge to stop you from doing it o_O

    Sorry for writing a mini blog post and sorry for spamming >.<

    Stay Blessed ^_^

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm, I read Nuha's post. What exactly are you trying to say here?

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