No Kidding


Its just been eight months since I got married and almost everyone I meet is expecting me to have a baby bump by now. From the pujaris who got us married to the owners of a eatery whom we frequent regularly. Wow. Just wow. And the best part was that, some people thought that I was getting married so early because I was pregnant. Well people, eight months gone by and no sign of a baby or the bump. I'm sorry, but I'm deriving immense pleasure in disappointing you. If I ever wanted to have a baby, I would have had one long ago. Whether I was married or not. And to those who think that babies are a compulsion after marriage, well, I pity you. And to those who think sex is only for procreation, well, I'm tempted to kill you.

I'm probably talking about this very early, but this post by Nisha made me want to express my opinions about this topic. I'm still child free after more than half a year of marriage, unlike a lot of people who declared "We're pregnant" with a fake smile plastered on their face a week after marriage, leading everyone to guess when did they actually conceive. I don't know why it is any one's business, apart from the couple involved. They probably are upset enough that their protection failed and then others burden them with their own speculations of date and time. My friend's sister conceived on her wedding night as the condom tore and was confirmed pregnant two weeks later. She was hesitant in telling people about it, as she feared that they might think that she had got pregnant before marriage. Why did she care, I don't know. Whether she wanted the baby or not, I don't know. Today the baby is a happy and pampered girl of three.

Cal and I have discussed this topic. While we were dating, we were so lost and awed about each other that we could not wait to see how our offspring would be like. We even had names chosen for our kids. But once we became man and wife, we do not feel the need to have kids. Not for a long time at least. We believe a child should come into this world when it is wanted and not because the mother missed a pill or because of an ancient condom. The feeling of not wanting a child yet bearing one would be pathetic. We have seen a lot of first time parents cursing their new born. For clearly what is their own fault. You need to be safe. Very safe.


Now it comes to why we do not want to have a child. First, we don't think that the world is a nice place, to bring up a piece of yourself. Also, there are a lot of kids out there who deserve a good family. Why add on to the population when you can give someone existing a life. Second, I think Cal and I still have a lot more to give each other before we begin sharing our love with some one else. We have been in love since two years and are still crazy about each other. Our madness reaches a new peak everyday and we still do not feel saturated. I wake up everyday wanting to give him more love. I'm sure he does the same. How ever rude this might seem, both of us clearly believe that we do not have the space for a baby in our lives. Third, we are selfish. We love our life and independence way too much to be bogged down. We want to follow our passions, travel the world and fulfill all our desires before we are expected to cater to the need of someone else. Yes, I do not have the maternal instinct in me. Even if I have an ounce of it, the only person whom I feel it for is my husband. I don't think that would ever change. Cal protects me like a father and having someone else to replace me is not acceptable to him too. We already are parents. To each other.

The main reason why we do not want to have a child is that we don't think that we would be able to handle the pressure that comes along with parenting. I am not the one to give up on my work and ambitions and happily settle for motherhood. I might curse my child and my life if I did. I do not want to get there. Cal would not let me give up on my ambitions too. Nor would I want to put a full stop on his. Also, taking care of a child should be the responsibility of the parents. We do not want our parents to become maids for our children. They are old and it is our responsibility to take care of them, instead of adding more work into their retired kitty. We have seen so many couples hurrying to work dropping their children at their parent's place. The old lady who can barely walk is expected to run after the kids and the poor man with hardly any sight left is expected to keep an eye on the scampering toddler. We do not want our parents to go through all this. It is better to be selfish than to be callous. Believe me when I say this. 


One of the most important reason as to why women unwillingly "settle" to have a child is because of the biological clock. A lot of my friends are hell bent upon having a baby before they turn thirty. They say having a child is a blessing. Since when did blessings shower upon people according to age? Once the baby is in their arms, they crib about everything under the sun. Lack of sleep, lack of free time, the pain, the smell, the responsibilities etc etc. I swear I'm exhausted listening to all kinds of parenting rants. They add on to my repulsion of having children. If I don't want a child, I don't want a child. It is as simple as it is, irrespective of whether I am 27 or 35. In case we feel like having a child later, we will try then. If it does not happen, then well so be it. We might adopt or sponsor a bunch of children instead. Living a life with my husband is enough for me.

We might have to listen to questions like "Who will take care of you when you grow old", "Don't you want to carry on your family name" and all other blah. First of all we do not belong to an Ambani family to carry on the name and next, we do not want to raise children so that they can take care of us tomorrow. Some parents neatly pass the burden baton to their children for no fault of theirs. Some parents give up on their dreams in order to raise a child and try to enforce their dreams on their children. That is absolutely unfair. We'd rather pursue our dreams and not have children instead of having children and pushing our ambitions into their tiny minds. We have a lot of friends who live miserable lives trying to realize their parents dreams. Its a pathetic state to be in as the people who brought you into this world do not let you live the life you want to. It is better to be childless than to have a child hating you.


Everything said and done, we do like kids. We do not love them nor feel the need to have one. We totally adore the children of our friends and would do anything to make sure they lead a peaceful life. But for now and the near future, we do not have room for a child in our life. We have more than enough happiness in our life, and do not need to rely on the happiness a child brings to a family.

We do not want to have a child. We want to want a child. Then maybe perhaps, we'd be happy parents.

Oh, almost forgot. Happy Children's Day!

~ Soumya

26 comments:

  1. :-) I hope the people who ask you such questions gets to read this.

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  2. totally agree with what u said... in the end, it comes down to the couple, not every Tom, Dick n Harry who just dropped by for the wedding buffet. And its the sensible way to go about it... when u r both ready to have a child, then focus on it... not because society has put a stop watch from the moment u married.

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    1. I'm so glad someone understands this.

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  3. I believe this is more and more the case with a lot of people today. And yes they expect this out of women. For me I have almost over with one and a half years of my married life and yes the music has become nosier :D

    Richa

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  4. LOL... Totally agree with you Soumya!
    If its this for 8 Months, then you can imagine what it is for 2.5 Years!! GRRRRR
    Its nobody's business to decide when we need to have kids!

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    1. Totally agree. Please leave a name next time.

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  5. Sigh. I am not even married.. I am already asked this.. Me no want kids.. I find I have many reasons.. But everyone seems to think my purpose in life is to find a man and make tiny himandme :P

    loved your honesty. I am delighted that you spoke so clearly about it.

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  6. I echo the same emotions dear! Maybe relatives have no better thing to do than to poke and pry into others' matters. But sadly , such junta who bug us enough to write these posts might never just read these blogs. So just let it be and do wat u want to do...its ur life!

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    1. Oh believe me I know they read this :P

      I'll do what I want any way.

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  7. I read through a couple of paragraphs di.. and when I reached the line where you said, "after becoming man and wife.. we dont even want to think about it..... ", I stopped and laughed heartily for 5 mins.. (cause its so true....) :-) keep writing !

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  8. So true! I think one should have kids when they can look after it themselves rather than outsourcing parenthood or burdening their own aging parents. As if our parents didn't sacrifice enough to bring us up that we burden them even in their late years!

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    1. Seriously. Our parents have done enough for us, last thing I want is to burden them with our kids. Its sad that not many people think the same.

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  9. I agree with you and I dont think you are selfish because you care about the life of the kids when they are born. And if you decided to have kids later on, I think they will be the luckiest because they have parents like you and Cal :)

    Good luck

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    1. Awww aren't you sweet. Thank you so much :)

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  10. These days, I just hate my FB page. All I see is young mothers crazy about their kids and putting their pictures every day. I want to ask them what will they too when the centre of their life would turn 12 and say, 'Mom, I don't need you anymore!'. I seriously believe that you need to build your own life first and then bring in another one. If you want to have a child to bring in happiness or fill your empty lives, then you really have a problem. Sadly, most people have kids for the same reason I mentioned.

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    1. Totally agree with you. Its a very sad situation once the kids grow up. I guess its better to just away from parenthood instead.

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  11. "And to those who think sex is only for procreation, well, I'm tempted to kill you." - I'll join you in this! :D

    "We believe a child should come into this world when it is wanted and not because the mother missed a pill or because of an ancient condom. " - ditto

    "Our madness reaches a new peak everyday and we still do not feel saturated." - Isn't this a beautiful feeling? :)

    "We already are parents. To each other." - We tell this to each other all the time! :D I am your baby and you are mine ;)



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  12. Ah nice to hear of another couple like us.

    High Faive babe! :)

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  13. So, just out of curiosity, what names did you two plan? :P
    I hear motherhood used to be a transcendental affair, so of course you have to want it, not everything must come as 'one fine morning, I got a surprise'. So, best of luck!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. I'm not gonna tell you that :P

      Thank you for the wishes!

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  14. I love babies. LOVE them. I love how cute they are, I love how tiny they are. How they smell so divine. And I'm pretty good at taking care of them too. Because I've taken care of my neighbours' kids, my friends' kids. And whoever has seen me with kids has one thing say "Wow, you're so good at this. You'll make a great mother".

    And that, is when the freaking out starts. Sure, I'm good at it. And I like it. But that's mainly because it's someone else's kid. I always have the option of leaving after a while. I'm not the one who has to stay up all night till the baby's sleep pattern fixes itself (except for one time when my one of my best friends had a baby and I stayed with her for a few days. Both of us and her husband used to take turns in putting the little one to sleep. And then I used to get up in the morning and go to office like a zombie). I'm not the one who has to put her life on hold. I'm not the one who has to make a million adjustments and compromises to accommodate this new person in my life.

    I really love kids. And I really do want to have my own. I just don't know when I'll be ready for it. Ready to put everything else on a backseat and embrace the biggest change ever of my life. It really really freaks me out. There is so much to do before all that. The age factor is there. There are medical reasons for it. My sister is 31 and her baby is due by April 2014 (you have no idea how excited I am about it :) ). She had to try for almost two years before she finally conceived. So that really does freak me out. I don't want to go through that. At the same time, like you said, I don't want to have a child just because of the age factor. Sigh...

    To all the people (excluding close family and friends) who think it's their business to enquire after our reproductive skills, I want to ask - Will you come and stay up with me all night when the baby doesn't sleep? Will you take care of the baby when I go for a movie? Most importantly, will you fund my child's education (which is so scary expensive these days)? If you can't do any of the above, then please stop interfering. I will have a child when I have figured out how to deal with all of the above.

    Oh and all those couples who got pregnant, like, the next day after their wedding? They were not lucky. They were just not careful. Period.

    And can I confess something? I know this is a public forum and I might get scorned at for admitting to it. But there is this tiny part of me that doesn't want to become fat. I know how mean the world can be towards fat people. What if I don't lose all the baby weight later on? Does that make me a horrible person?

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    1. You echo all my thoughts and fears here. The age factor plays a huge role medical wise I know, but I guess I'm willing to take the risk. We're like 27 now and have ample time to decide. Its up to us anyway right?

      You stayed up with your friend to take care of their baby? Oh how cute are you :)

      You're gonna be an aunt? Yayyyyieeee congrats!!!

      You are not horrible at all. I feel the same too. The hormone problems have messed up my weight drastically and still I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm vain I openly admit. I do not want to lose my shape and get rounded up. I'd probably care too much about losing it than take care of the baby. That's another reason not to have one too.

      Next, I love you. If and when you decide to have a baby, I promise I'd be around to help you with it. Lioness word :)

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