The story so far.
To be continued.
Now that Cal and I had decided to get married, the next step was to stick to it. I know this sounds very shady, but we both are the kind of people who get bored of things very easily. After a spate of "downhill" relationships, I some how had become cynical about anything long term. Yes, I had told him that I would marry him. But I had my own doubts. Not regarding him, but regarding me. I have always believed in one thing, if your life is fucked up do not bring another person in to it. You will mess him up too. I loved him alright, and he had become a very integral part of my life, still something inside me was giving out an alarming beep. I was super happy with him and we were having a gala time, yet something was troubling me in the back of my mind.
"Did I jump into this too quick?", "Do I know what I am getting into?", "Is this a rebound relationship?", "Can I be committed to one guy?", these were a few questions forming in my mind. I was enjoying the feeling of being in love, again. Still, I did not give in completely to it. Something was holding me back. Cal noticed this and understood my inner turmoil. He held my hand and said "Just give in. Let us see what happens later. Enjoy today, forget about tomorrow". I smiled. Carpe-diem. Maybe I should just listen to him and go with the flow instead, I thought. But my mind did not let me. I felt free in my heart, but caged in my mind. Cal was aware of the voices in my head, and he gave an answer to each question. Yet, I was not convinced.
I spoke to a friend about this. She told me that what ever this was, it could not be a rebound relationship. She said, "He is too right for you, to be a rebound". Well I agreed to it. He felt too right in every term under the sun. He was a passionate lover, the caring boyfriend, the protective soldier, the intellect magician, all in one. I feared losing him of course, not only because I was in love with him, but because I had never met anyone else like him. He was so perfect for me that I began seeing myself in him. Just when the doubts were weaning away, the human jinx of my life (read my ex) came back. Someone close to him passed away and he called me first, of all people. I did not answer, and then he sent me a text. I knew that person was battling a challenging disease and I was the moral support for my ex when we were together. Now that he was in grief, I somehow felt morally obligated to be there for him. Today, I do not understand why I felt that way.
I told Cal about it. He was quiet for a while and then says, "If you want to go, I shall take you". I was shocked. I expected him to be angry and scream at me for wanting to be there for my ex. Instead he holds my hand and says this? That one moment, I probably fell in love with him a million times more. My ex lived in another city and Cal was willing to take me there and was ready to book the flight tickets. I did not know what to say, I just kept looking at him. In shock and with love. What on earth I had done to deserve someone like him I didn't know. Teary eyed I tell him that this doesn't mean I still have feelings for my ex. Cal just smiles and says, "I know. Its just that you are a nice person and want to be there with him in time of his grief. You have seen that journey, its natural you want to be there for him."
Once he said this, I did not want to go anymore. I wanted to be with this man who loves and trusts me so much. I called my ex and offered condolences. That's all I wanted to do. Cal patiently waited until I finished my conversation and we moved on with our life like nothing had happened. Any fear regarding commitment that had been in my mind, had disappeared by now. I knew I was with the right man. I knew I had made the right choice. Nothing else mattered any more. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, but alas, I was all set to travel to Colombo in three days.
To be continued.