Life takes its own course we know. It just moves forward in a sinusoidal wave sprinkling us with ups and downs and other perks in between. I for one have had one hell of an adventurous life. The course of my life has had more twists than the most scariest roller coaster in the world. Be it lost friendships, heartbreaks, professional lows and what not. But the Lioness in me survived all of it. Being independent does that to you. It makes you fierce and you want to sort out everything for yourself. You preach about how independent you are and how that gave you the strength to surpass every negative phase in life. Well to a certain extent it sure does. I'm a stubborn person who doesn't want help from anybody and strangely until now I have managed to get past everything just by myself. But the problem of being a strong person is that people know that you shall do it all, without any help. They also know that you will not go weak. But when you do, there is no one around for you. That's the saddest part about being a strong person.
The lowest period of my life was when I moved out of a project and was on bench for three whole months. You should know one thing about people who work in the IT industry. They get used to being busy no matter what the situation is. And I was a workaholic who wanted to be busy all the time. I was used to the chattering sound of the keys on my laptop and I was missing it. These three months gave me plenty of time to write and explore but since I was getting paid without working, it was eating me from within. At the same time I was diagnosed with a hormone problem and I began putting on weight. I had been a size zero for twenty six years of my life and then one fine day I wake up to see my clothes not fitting me anymore. I was shocked, embarrassed and frustrated. I was at home all day, that doesn't mean I was only eating and sleeping. I was keeping myself busy by working out, dancing, reading, writing and meeting friends and yet I was putting on weight. And everyday I used to go out to meet my then boyfriend as well. He was pleased with my weight gain as he felt that I looked too skinny before.
But this did not go down well upon me. I was never a vain person, but this somehow broke my confidence from within. Being fat was not something that I had imagined myself to be. Looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the obvious changes was depressing me. I soon became a size M from a size XS. The people around me were happy with my weight gain as I was finally looking fuller. I did not look fat in their eyes as I was tall and the weight spaced itself well. But in my own eyes I looked like I had turned into the Hulk. My confidence went so low and I felt embarrassed to shop for clothes. I hid myself and cursed my hormones to no end. I exercised more and ate a strict diet and yet there was no improvement. I continued to gain weight. From 45 kilos I had gone up to 62 kilos. Just mentioning this here gives me the goose bumps. I felt so low that I began to hate myself. I did not show it outside but it was killing me from within. The bold, confident me was getting lost behind the kilos and I was standing there helpless without being able to do anything.
I became moody and irritated. I was taking out my frustrations on other people. My then boyfriend and now husband was the person who had to bear the brunt of it all. I was angry with myself for no reason. I felt like a loser and my self confidence was scattered all over the place. He supported me in every possible way, but I was not the one to listen. He kept his calm and tried to placate me every time. I felt guilty for putting him through it. I felt guilty for not working. I felt guilty for hating myself. And yet there was nothing that I could do. Just as I was beginning to lose focus in life, he came to my rescue. One fine day in July 2012, he sat me down and asked me to relax. He then explained to me that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am perfectly fine. It took me a while to calm down, but when I finally did I could see his side of the story. I was not to blame for this, it was my hormones. And we all know that a woman's hormones is always all over the place. And it was something that could be treated, so there was no point in worrying.
He pointed it out to me that since I was not going to work everyday, the guilt was spilling on to other things. I was not taking anything positively because of this one reason. He told me that he would love me no matter how fat or thin I got. And also that I should not be thinking about my weight so much. He took me in front of a mirror and asked me to point out where I was fat. I could not do that as I looked fine now. He told me that since I was really skinny before, the weight does not show on me now. Had I been fat before, I would have looked like a swollen pumpkin now. That made me laugh. And I had laughed after ages. I felt so light that one instant. I began accepting the changes more easily since then. I started liking my fuller body and began to dress the way I always did. People complimented me for the toned body and it made me feel nice. My confidence was coming back slowly. Within a week I got a project and was back to work. People at work did not notice the weight gain and they told me that I looked happy now. That surprised me. And suddenly I was very happy with all the changes within me.
During this time I learnt that external beauty does not matter at all. And that love surpasses it all. I learnt that it is very important to be happy with oneself to live a good life, else life seems like a punishment. I learnt that with patience you will get the things you desire. I learnt that the people who stay with you during tough times are the ones who will stay with you forever. This man stood by me through everything. #Together we fought all my inner battles and made me the strong, confident person that I always was. He gave me the strength when I felt weak. He gave me the motivation when I was lost. He held my hand and we walked through the path of acceptance. Today after more than two years, I still look back at this day with a smile and when I see him next to me with the same smile on his face, I feel blessed to have him in my life. I #lookup to this man and #together I know that we can win every battle that comes our way.