Conscious Uncoupling

Image Source

For some reason, all the articles that I've read since morning have been about marriage and the difficulties that surround it. I am not a staunch believer in the institution of marriage but I do believe hopelessly in love. I married the man I love around four years ago and we have continued to be lovers and soul mates. It worked out very well for me, so yeah I'd like to say that marriage is good. The reason why I say that I'm not a big fan of marriage is because of the forced relationships and responsibilities that come with it. When most couples say that they don't feel married, it mainly means that they do not stay with their parents. The only time that I've felt married is when I stayed with my in-laws for the first two years of marriage. It was no less than hell. Today as my husband and I stay on our own, we're back to being in a relationship rather than being forced to being man and wife.

Recently a court passed a verdict that a man who is forced to stay away from his parents because of his wife can divorce her. Sadly, the fact that the man separated his wife from her parents was not taken into account. There have been a lot of separations and divorces around lately. 2016 is called the year of splits thanks to almost every celebrity walking out of their marriage or relationship. Brangelina being the latest. I would be lying if I said that it did not break my heart. India boasts of a low divorce rate when compared to the west, but Indians are the ones who are the most unhappy when it comes to marriage. To start with, not many know the true meaning of marriage. While majority of them think of it as a license to have sex, rather free sex for life, very few think about compatibility, love and companionship.

When I got married the only thing my husband told me was to never adjust and to never change. I was to be the way I was and my habits and hobbies were to continue. If I changed anything, that would hurt him. I'm not the one to compromise and adjust anyway. Don't take me as an arrogant person, but as long as what I do is not impacting anyone or anything I don't see why I needed to adjust anywhere. Of course, my in-laws were not happy with this. But I stayed put. And so did my husband. It is not like I did not try to do a certain few things. When the expectations bucket gets full and starts drowning you, you know that it is a sign to move on to greener pastures. And so we did.

I know of couples who have broken up mainly because of the man's parents. Let's face it, in today's generation no man or woman wants to be controlled like puppets. Some parents expect a daughter-in-law to fit in to the family like a glove and take over the rusted baton from the mother-in-law and take care of the rest all by themselves. They expect to dictate what the DIL should wear, cook and talk. A working woman or not, she is expected to act and behave as per the needs of the family and when this doesn't happen, she is termed to be a bad DIL and the son is expected to leave her and marry someone who is more DIL material. Such people are definitely not parent material in my honest opinion.

Image Source

I firmly believe that a couple, married or not should not stay with either set of parents. The generation gap and the expectations always lead to trouble in paradise. The core to every relationship should be "Live and let live". Just move out and start a life of your own. It is not like you are abandoning your parents. You are there for them but just stay a few roofs apart. What is wrong in that? When a man doesn't want to stay by the side of his wife and chooses his parents instead, he's utterly stupid. Unless the woman in question is a closet sadist or a sorceress. Marry a woman first, snatch her away from her parents, then bring her to a place where she has to go through hell. If staying away from the incompatible in-laws make her live a decent life, then why not? In this way the relationship between the mother and the son and the husband and the wife sustains well. If a man decides to divorce the wife he loves to stay with his parents, then, this speaks a lot about the institution of marriage. These days sons don't get along with their own parents. Expecting someone else to come and do that makes no sense what so ever. Having said that, there also are families who have managed to keep it all together and get along very well. Very few are indeed blessed.

I always thought that a wedding is between two families and that a marriage is between two people. If any third person, be it either set of parents, wants to have a say in it, then it is wrong. Infidelity or a strong difference in opinion regarding anything involved in the relationship or parenting can be the causes of a divorce as long as it is between the two people in a marriage. If the separation is mainly due to a third person, then it probably was the best thing to happen for the two of them involved. What I find surprising is that couples who have had a love marriage, separate citing incompatibility as a reason. When you have loved someone and courted them for a certain period of time, did incompatibility not creep up during that time? Or were you so blind in love(?) that all that did not matter back then but surprising seeped up to the front once married? Or did you need a third person to tell you that there is absolutely no compatibility between the two of you? In that case, what were you smoking when you decided to marry that certain person?

People change, I do agree. But not so drastically. I believe that a person changes according to situations or the atrocities that they have to go through. When I was staying with my in-laws, I was always irritated, angry, agitated and constantly unhappy. Plus, we were always broke because we were spending almost all our time and money by hanging out in cafes. As a couple we were madly in love and were very happy with each other, but the world did not let us be. Love is a wonderful thing and in a way so is a divorce. Both make you feel free in different ways. While one comes attached with a person the other comes with a stigma. If a marriage is not happy, there is no point staying in it. I'm for it any day. It is not specific to any gender. A man or a woman can choose to walk out of a marriage if there is an issue between the two of them. If it is because of someone else (parents, relatives, friends etc), it needs to be worked upon. Of course insecurity and infidelity is always a deal breaker.

We Indians also have that innate quality to associate everything with sex. A court also ruled that if a woman denies sex to her husband for a long time, he can divorce her. My question is that who comes up with such laws in the first place? How disturbed should one be to come up something as preposterous as this? What happens when a man denies sex to his wife? Or is it not in any man to deny sex? While the verdict on triple talaq hangs in the air, more rules are being made about separation and divorces. It has become such a common thing now. So be it.

If marriage is supposed to be based on love and people are willing to divorce their partners for the sake of their parents or sex, then we clearly have got the whole meaning of love wrong. And that of marriage. And that of human relationships.

18 comments:

  1. I truly loved reading this, as I do all your posts. I love how clearly and fearlessly you write.
    All the points you've mentioned and discussed are so true. But Indians are the biggest hypocrites when it comes to marriage. Their expectations are unreal and the returns for those expectations are non-existent.
    There are a few lucky people who have the fortune of inheriting good families through marriage but for every one of those I see 10 horrible ones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Mayuri.

      I do agree. I think we Indians don't actually know how a marriage is supposed to be.

      Delete
  2. I was quite annoyed when I saw that court ruling. It's quite ridiculous that a woman leaving her family behind is natural but staying with a man's parents is natural. I had good in-laws. My mil was caring and compatible with me. She has her flaws and I have mine but we've had a good relationship over the years. Yet I enjoy my freedom to live away from both sets of parents. I think it is actually important that we do that to get the most out of our marriages. I wouldn't mind if they lived in the same city but living in the same house may not be desirable for both sides. They need their independence too. Marriage is a good institution if you love your partner and there is mutual respect and communication. If you are forced to stay in it for the sake of society, family or kids, where is the joy then?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are indeed blessed, Rachna.

      Exactly! But for us Indians all that seems to be more important than joy.

      Delete
  3. I agree with all your points. And that court verdict really pissed me off. So, women should abandon their parents and that is natural. How unfair and wrong. I think a lot of problems creep up between couples when parents get involved and hence staying away from both sets is good. And as you said, we are not abandoning them just staying a few roofs apart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! When staying under one roof is trouble, always better to live apart and enjoy a decent relationship.

      Delete
  4. Well expressed, Soumya. I agree with your points.
    Many such disturbing news and court-rulings...
    Sad that in our country, our behaviour is dictated by - 'Log Kya Kahenge'.
    I feel when conscious coupling doesn't work despite our best efforts, conscious uncoupling is the choice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Log Kya Kahenge - Has ruined more lives than marriage has :P

      Delete
  5. Ah! The Firebrand in you is back :)
    As for marriage and the thoughts, you know what I think already. The verdict was just another stupid one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When was she ever away? :P

      Stupid it sure was.

      Delete
  6. Thought provoking post. We were the victims of pains about my brother's divorce. Yes it was a love marriage. And now i wonder where the LOVE has gone ???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe it just dies for some people.

      Delete
  7. Just when you think there are enough flaws in our judicial system, it comes up with crazy verdicts like this! Be it a man or a woman, staying independently only helps one become responsible no? Why is it wrong for a man to become responsible, then?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I so agree! It is almost like some women do not want their sons to grow up! The wife gets caught in this muddle.

      Delete
  8. Indeed a mindless decision by the court! I truly agree with what you say. It's better to live apart and maintain a decent relationship of mutual respect rather than living under the same roof and end up feeling cheated or stifled. As always, you've articulated your points clearly, calling a spade a spade.

    ReplyDelete
  9. India is getting back to the medieval ages passing verdicts like this. When the highest judicial system in India stands by such decisions every woman whether going thro a bad phase in her marriage or not feels cheated . Such a shame !!

    ReplyDelete

Care to leave a word or two? Thanks for dropping by :)