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You tried to hide it a lot, but I see through it now. The fear in your eyes, the hesitation in your tone and many other things. You love me a lot I know. But inspite of this love, your insecurity shone through. I did not give much thought to it at first, I just thought you were being silly to irritate me. But now I see it. All of it. You tried to woo me for years, when I had a pack of admirers around. And yet, I chose you. Because I fell in love with you. You were the cynosure of my eyes and I couldn't look beyond you. We got married after a long courtship, which had been the happiest times of my life. I only realized later, that the knot you had tied around my neck was strengthened with doubt.
I now remember the day when you suddenly came home with headache, when I had informed you over the phone that my best friend was visiting home. My best friend, who is more like a brother to me. You came in immediately after five minutes of his arrival. Strangely, your headache had vanished seconds after that. I now remember those sneaky glances at my phone, while pretending to set the alarm or check the photos. I now remember why I never found my phone in the place that I had left it. I now remember why you asked me for my email password to book tickets, as your email account was not opening for a day. I now remember why you insisted on dropping and picking me from office everyday. No matter how early I had to go or how late I had to stay back. I now remember your searching eyes while I came out of my office with my team one late night. I now remember the time you sent your sister along with me, while I had to travel to a different city on work, since you couldn't make it. I now remember it all.
I always wondered why you picked out my clothes everyday. I thought it was out of love, but now I realize it. I still wore those ill fitting salwar kameezes so that you feel happy. Yet, you worried about how my veil would slip down and insisted on pinning it to my dress. The next day of our wedding, you splattered my forehead with the vermilion indicating your right over me. It has been two years since then and you still do it everyday. You did it today morning too, as my hair battles the red emulsion over it. The first gift you gave me after our wedding was a thick mangalsutra which looked like a black rope. You insisted I wear it everyday because it looks good on me. I smiled. And blushed too. Even now I feel the weight of it on my neck, along with the burden of your fears.
I adhered to whatever you asked of me. I stopped visiting my friends as you did not want to be away from me for even a while. You said you missed me so much, I believed you then. You did not attend any social gatherings with your friends either. As you felt that they will try to hit on me. I don't know whom you did not trust. Them or me. I just thought you were being possessive so I let it be. But when you started following me around to the washroom and insisted on waiting around, I realized that something was not right. This feeling intensified when I saw the look of triumph on your face last night, after you had just made love to me. It was not a look of pleasure or satisfaction, it was a look of accomplishment. From then, I started going back to all the things that happened in the past. And today, here I am.
Was I not a good wife? Did I give you chances for this insecurity? I did all that you asked me to. You followed me around like a puppy and yet I did not say a thing. I loved you that much. I did not want to do anything to hurt you. Did you actually think that I would stray? I feel so sorry for you now. I loved you more than anything else in the world, letting go of everything in the bargain. Self respect included. I feel so foolish for realizing it this late. But how could I have known? I was blinded by your love. The vermilion on my head is screaming out now and this gigantic mangalsutra is choking me. I see a lot of read mails on my phone, that I did not open. I see half of my contact list deleted. I see my jeans and tops lying in a pile of dust mocking me. My stilettos are craving for attention in the corner. My friends are still waiting for that girls night out that we had planned years ago.
I don't know what I have done wrong. I don't know how to prove it to you that I am only yours. I don't know what else do I do to make you feel that you deserve me. That is why I married you. I belong to you whole and soul. I know that from the bottom of my heart. But I also know, until you know and believe that, you will not rest. Do not worry my love, you do not have to be insecure anymore. You did not trust me when I lived with you, atleast trust me in death. Lay all your demonic thoughts to rest, along with me. Because I'm dying for you. Only you. Just to prove that I love you and would do anything for you. Hope you find relief in this. I had given up so much already. My life was just another thing.
The wife I could never be.