Yours Forever

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You tried to hide it a lot, but I see through it now. The fear in your eyes, the hesitation in your tone and many other things. You love me a lot I know. But inspite of this love, your insecurity shone through. I did not give much thought to it at first, I just thought you were being silly to irritate me. But now I see it. All of it. You tried to woo me for years, when I had a pack of admirers around. And yet, I chose you. Because I fell in love with you. You were the cynosure of my eyes and I couldn't look beyond you. We got married after a long courtship, which had been the happiest times of my life. I only realized later, that the knot you had tied around my neck was strengthened with doubt.

I now remember the day when you suddenly came home with headache, when I had informed you over the phone that my best friend was visiting home. My best friend, who is more like a brother to me. You came in immediately after five minutes of his arrival. Strangely, your headache had vanished seconds after that. I now remember those sneaky glances at my phone, while pretending to set the alarm or check the photos. I now remember why I never found my phone in the place that I had left it. I now remember why you asked me for my email password to book tickets, as your email account was not opening for a day. I now remember why you insisted on dropping and picking me from office everyday. No matter how early I had to go or how late I had to stay back. I now remember your searching eyes while I came out of my office with my team one late night. I now remember the time you sent your sister along with me, while I had to travel to a different city on work, since you couldn't make it. I now remember it all.

I always wondered why you picked out my clothes everyday. I thought it was out of love, but now I realize it. I still wore those ill fitting salwar kameezes so that you feel happy. Yet, you worried about how my veil would slip down and insisted on pinning it to my dress. The next day of our wedding, you splattered my forehead with the vermilion indicating your right over me. It has been two years since then and you still do it everyday. You did it today morning too, as my hair battles the red emulsion over it. The first gift you gave me after our wedding was a thick mangalsutra which looked like a black rope. You insisted I wear it everyday because it looks good on me. I smiled. And blushed too. Even now I feel the weight of it on my neck, along with the burden of your fears.

I adhered to whatever you asked of me. I stopped visiting my friends as you did not want to be away from me for even a while. You said you missed me so much, I believed you then. You did not attend any social gatherings with your friends either. As you felt that they will try to hit on me. I don't know whom you did not trust. Them or me. I just thought you were being possessive so I let it be. But when you started following me around to the washroom and insisted on waiting around, I realized that something was not right. This feeling intensified when I saw the look of triumph on your face last night, after you had just made love to me. It was not a look of pleasure or satisfaction, it was a look of accomplishment. From then, I started going back to all the things that happened in the past. And today, here I am.

Was I not a good wife? Did I give you chances for this insecurity? I did all that you asked me to. You followed me around like a puppy and yet I did not say a thing. I loved you that much. I did not want to do anything to hurt you. Did you actually think that I would stray? I feel so sorry for you now. I loved you more than anything else in the world, letting go of everything in the bargain. Self respect included. I feel so foolish for realizing it this late. But how could I have known? I was blinded by your love. The vermilion on my head is screaming out now and this gigantic mangalsutra is choking me. I see a lot of read mails on my phone, that I did not open. I see half of my contact list deleted. I see my jeans and tops lying in a pile of dust mocking me. My stilettos are craving for attention in the corner. My friends are still waiting for that girls night out that we had planned years ago.

I don't know what I have done wrong. I don't know how to prove it to you that I am only yours. I don't know what else do I do to make you feel that you deserve me. That is why I married you. I belong to you whole and soul. I know that from the bottom of my heart. But I also know, until you know and believe that, you will not rest. Do not worry my love, you do not have to be insecure anymore. You did not trust me when I lived with you, atleast trust me in death. Lay all your demonic thoughts to rest, along with me. Because I'm dying for you. Only you. Just to prove that I love you and would do anything for you. Hope you find relief in this. I had given up so much already. My life was just another thing.

Yours Forever,
The wife I could never be.

46 comments:

  1. I wish she had more strength to face up to the bully of a husband. What a jerk! Taking your life is no answer :( As always, you have do e a brilliant job, Soumya!

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    1. I wish so too, but she had to prove it to him right.

      Thank you Aathira!

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  2. Too much love can be dangerous. But the constant doubt, that's not just dangerous, but painful.
    My heart goes our to the Wife here and I hope her Husband believed.
    After all, love and trust go hand in hand!

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    1. Painful it is. There can never be love without trust. If only some people understood that!

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  3. Simply out of words for this one. God knows how many women suffer like this. I wish they dont give up like her. Brilliant one here babes!

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  4. Noooooooooooooooo...... The ending just killed me :(
    Why do men have such trust issues.

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    1. Some men and women have serious trust issues.

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  5. Its fab!
    But in the end what she did was not justified!

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    1. That's all she could do.

      Thank you!

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  6. Wow! That's such a touching write up! Feels sad that many women out there are still going through similar things yet no change.
    Great post Somya.

    Parul

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  7. That was painful...damn painful.....well its true..a man is only insecure about a female when he knows she deserves someone better...God bless you...

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  8. The fact that I didn’t like the story for its ending does not take away anything from the brilliant work of yours.
    After all what did she try to prove by taking her life for the sake of a loser? How could she even think that the loser will trust her even after she is gone?

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    1. Why should she care, once she was gone. Also, she might be doing this to punish him.

      Thanks for reading!

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  9. This was an absolutely wonderful read. Well chosen words, easy flow, brilliant narration.

    And a heart breaker as well.

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  10. Oh my God...!
    This is grave...
    If trust is lost everything is lost...
    I dont know if the wife is a loser or brave...
    But I certainly understand that when loved ones fail to understand/trust you, you are dead already..

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    1. She is not a loser for sure as she had proved her love for him till the end. This might be a way of punishing him.

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  11. sob sob! brilliant work as always!

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  12. Oh Soumya. Sad end. Wish she didn't die...
    She could have confronted him and made hubby realize- Nothing suspicious in the last 2 years anyway, why the doubt?

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    1. You think people who are insecure are willing to reason. They just think that they might lose their object of desire anytime.

      She had to prove her love, that's the only way she could.

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  13. Wish she had given back what he actually deserved but yeah, love does strange and dangerous things to you.

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    1. She loved him, that's all she wanted him to understand.

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  14. Why did she have to sacrifice her life? Why? It makes me so so sad!

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  15. i'm just speechless !!
    her love was immeasurable but his eyes were blocked with the fog of doubt and insecurity.

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  16. She shouldn't have killed herself. She should have been strong to stand up against it. Awesome writing Soumya!

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    1. Love makes you do strange things.

      Thanks Reema!

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  17. Oh no.. WHyyyyyyyyyyy

    I wish she did not have to take that step.. some people are such idiots they dont know what they have until they lose it ..
    stupid stupid man..

    sad


    Bikram's

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  18. I believe she should have broken free.. Life is afterall a precious gift and to give it up so easily is sad... :(

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    Replies
    1. Broken free and done what? Love was all she needed, from him.

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  19. The end reminded me of the movie Omkara and Kareena Kapoor with her hands folded.
    Very well written Soumya. I had to scroll down to find the fiction label as I was a bit upset....am glad now that the label was indeed there and it is a good post. :)

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  20. Yes I too agree that she shouldn't have killed herself, but I believe she was so much in love with him that she could anything to prove herself to him. She was blinded by love too, as was he. A very touching and well-narrated tale, Soumya :)

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  21. You are too good. Trust me, too too too good. :)

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  22. How , how hurt she must've been to have fallen prey to the lack of trust, and how much of love would've made her do what she did, I can't fathom. Hats off to the brilliant words here !!

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