Hero To Zero #NotAMovieReview

Image Source

I've been a die-hard Shahrukh Khan fan since I was a little girl. I've loved him right from his 'Baazigar' days and have been a loyal fan throughout. So much that I even endured the torture called 'Fan' just for him. While 'Jab Tak Hai Jaan' gave me the mother of all migraines, I still forgave him for that. My love for him was not something a bad movie could diminish. Then 'Jab Harry Met Sejal' happened. It tested my love to the core, and yet it survived. Though terribly disappointed and angry, I still forgave him. After watching 'Zero', the second day after its release, for the first time ever I questioned my love for him. I then swore to never watch a movie of his again so that my memory of him will still remain that of love. But, as a crazy fan for close to three decades, I had many many questions in my head to ask him. That's when I decided to call his team and ask for some of his time. This is how it went.

I: Hello.

Person On The Other End (POTOE): Yes, Shahrukh is available. Can I quote the price?

I: I'm just asking for an interview, nothing else....

POTOE: Yes, Shahrukh is available. Can I quote the price?

I: I'm just a small time interviewer, I cannot pay him anything. Anyway, what's the price?

She then quoted a sum that I had never heard of in my life. The thought of kissing my dream house, my vacations and all other small luxuries a goodbye crossed my mind. I was just about to hang up when she spoke again.

POTOE: Can you pay or not?

I: No, I don't even know how many zeroes that has. Does he actually charge that much?

POTOE: He's worth it, you know. He got paid twice that much for serving food at the Ambani wedding. The price was ten times more for his dance alone.

I: Wow, in that case, let's forget it.

POTOE: Your kidneys are intact?

I: Sorry.

POTOE: Are your kidneys intact? They still function right?

I: Yes, but why?

POTOE: Tell me your email address, I'll send over a document. Print it, sign it, scan it and send it back. That's enough for now. Reply with the address and day and time as well, he'll be there.

I give her my email address and she then hangs up without saying bye.

In the next five minutes, I receive a document saying that I am to pledge both my kidneys to the company of Shahrukh Khan and they will have the sole authority to it while I'm alive or dead. I laugh out loud at the sense of humor and decide to play along. I print the document, sign it and send it back along with the time I think is appropriate.

Shahrukh Khan promptly turns up right on time and comes and give me a hug. I'm thrilled to bits! I've loved this man since I was a child and now I was in his arms. I was getting major Simran feels and I was turning red like a beet. His dimpled smile looked more gorgeous in person and I was second guessing my vow of not wanting to watch a movie of his ever again.

I: I can't believe it really is you! Wow, I'm so thrilled. I can't believe you hugged me! Yay!

SRK: Believe it. I'll hug anyone or anything for the right price. It's all about the heart you see, but in your case its is about the kidneys.

I: Sorry what?

SRK: The deal? The sign? Ring a bell?

I: Oh, your company was serious about it?

SRK: Why else would you think I'm here? This is why I'm the Raees.

With a sad smile I bid my kidneys goodbye and decide to get on with the talk.

SRK: Can we start and end soon? I don't want to be late for the naming ceremony of the Patel grandchild. I have a performance ready.

I: Who?

SRK: I don't know, yaar. Some kid.

I: If you keep attending so many events, when do you ever shoot and make movies?

SRK (winks): Beech beech mein.

I: Yeah, right!

SRK: So, what did you want to talk about?

I: What else, 'Zero'.

SRK (smiling ear to ear): You loved it so much?

I: Opposite opposite.

SRK: What's that now?

I: See, Shahrukh, I have loved you ever since I can remember. I love it that you were an outsider and made it to the top all by yourself thanks to your persistence and hardwork. I love you for that. But your recent choices of movies have been, how do I put it in a nice way? Questionable?

SRK: Arey I'm here to answer your questions only na. Throw in your liver and I'll even do a two minute dance for you.

I (angrily): No, thank you!

SRK: Which movies you thought were questionable?

Image Source

I: To start with, 'Jab Tak Hai Jaan'. What was that all about?

SRK: Yashji.

I: That's it?

SRK: Haan, what else? I was honored to be a part of his last directorial. That's all that mattered to me. Plus, I had my first on-screen kiss in it.

I: Yeah, that! Why did you wait so long to kiss on-screen?

SRK casually pulls out a cigarette and lights it without even asking me if I'm okay with it. Well, I was okay with it, only because it was him.

SRK: See, I have always been a smoker. Ladies logon se complain nahi aana chaiye na.

I: Ah, then what changed?

SRK: Yaar, I'm an emotional fool. Yashji begged and begged. He wanted his last movie to be memorable. After a couple of bottles of Listerine, the kiss was successful.

I: So, having a kiss in a movie makes it memorable?

SRK: Not only a kiss. You need to have me in it too.

I: Ahem.

SRK (checking his Tag Heuer): Which other movie?

I: What about 'Jab Harry Met Sejal'? Why did you do that?

SRK: Imtiaz Ali yaar, what a brilliant film-maker he is! His films are like Sufi music.

I: But you did read the script, right?

SRK: Yeah, one of the best. Love at first sight, it was.

I: Really?

SRK: Aur kya? Imtiaz Ali's movies are like Sufi songs. Holy and sacred.

I: So, 'Jab Harry Met Sejal' was holy and sacred?

SRK: Yes. By the way....

I: Yeah?

SRK: Where do you get your groceries from?

I: Sorry?

SRK: Try Big Basket, it is the best. Just like me.

I: You don't have to endorse your brands here, SRK. I'm a small time writer, I can't influence many people here.

SRK (annoyed): I know you can't. But, I can.


Image Source

I: Moving on, let's talk about 'Zero'.

SRK: That will take a really long time, too many of them are there.

I: What are you talking about?

SRK: Arey, too many zeros in the film industry, jo apne aap ko hero samajhte hai. I have no time to talk about all of them.

I (rolling my eyes): I'm talking about your latest movie, the dud, 'Zero'.

SRK: You think it is a bud? Sweet. It will reap many fruits and flowers I'm sure. Kya movie banaya hai maine!

I didn't even want to correct him on this. Not worth my patience, plus, I did not want to kill a man I love(d).

I: Was the movie a tribute to 'MOM', the Mars mission?

SRK: It was a tribute to the human race. It was to show that no disability can hold you back. It goes on to show that anyone, no matter if they are a dwarf, an alcoholic or someone confined to a wheelchair, they are capable of falling in love.

I: The movie was all about love? Really?

Image Source

SRK: Of-course. Even Salman bhai made an appearance na, it was all about his love for me. I even got half the yesteryear leading ladies and the current leading ladies to make an appearance for me. They did it because they love me.

I: Ah, that kinda love!

SRK: Shahrukh mathlab pyaar, ishq, mohabbat. Wait, that was not my movie!

He thinks hard. Really hard.

SRK: Shahrukh mathlab, Mohabbatein. Chahat. Aur.....

I: Never mind, I get the point.

SRK: I knew it, my movies always make a point.

I: They used to, I agree. Why aren't you making movies like 'Chak de, India!' and 'Swades' anymore?

SRK (laughs loudly): Arey, sab main hi karu toh Aamir kya karega?

I: Coming back to 'Zero', what was the need for you to be a dwarf in the movie? If you were a normal healthy man who fell in love with a wheelchair bound girl and married her despite everything, that would be a movie about love, right?

SRK: If we had done that, the chimp would have gone waste na?

I: The chimp? That Anushka plans to send to Mars?

SRK: Haan, see the whole idea of the movie was that I loved Anushka so much that I could even go to Mars for her. I had to be the same size as that of the chimp so that they could replace it with me. That's why I had to be a dwarf. If Kamal Hassan can do it, so can I.

Image Source

I: But, didn't you leave Anushka's character at the altar and run away to be a side-kick to an alcoholic actress just because you thought that is what you deserve. Did you actually think that a glamorous actress, who is clearly troubled, would fall for you?

SRK (shyly): She kissed me, didn't she?

I: Arey, she was drunk. She would have even kissed a toad if it was around. Alcohol affects your judgment.

SRK (angrily): Don't you dare disrespect a woman! I respect women way too much to hear you talk about them being alcoholics.

I: Excuse me, I was talking about Katrina's character in the movie, Babita Kumari.

SRK: Fine, waise bhi it was a guest appearance. When people come to watch me in the theater, we don't need other distractions.

I (rolling eyes): Yeah, you do respect women.

SRK: Hai na? I'm the best!

Image Source

I: So, Anushka's character was based on Stephen Hawking, right? I thought she looked stupid and caricaturish in the role.

SRK: Stephen kaun? I have no idea what you are talking about.

I: Never mind. Anyway, why would a world renowned scientist like Anushka's character in the movie fall in love with an annoying jobless moron like you?

SRK (grinning ear to ear much like that chimp): Hey, only my height is short in the movie. Everything else is long.

I: Excuse me, you can't talk like that here.

SRK: Arey, calm down Senorita. Bade bade sheheron mein aisi choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai.

I: Not here.

SRK: Arey, I was talking about my charm and nothing else.

I: And the fact that Anushka's character got pregnant right after spending a night with you has nothing to do with it?

SRK: Hahaha, you did get my point.

I: What was the need for that angle? The baby bit I mean?

SRK: Like I said, just because I was vertically challenged doesn't mean I'm impaired... elsewhere. Right?

I: Okay, in that case, why wasn't Anushka's struggle as a wheelchair bound pregnant woman shown in the movie?

SRK: There was no need for that. I was a dwarf, it was my story.

I: What about Katrina? What was the need for her character?

SRK: Yaar, just because I was a dwarf doesn't mean I have to settle with someone disabled too na? I could reach for the stars too, we wanted to show the audience that.

I: Well, she was awesome in the movie though. First movie where one can say that she's acted well. The only saving grace of the movie.

SRK: After me, of course. Come on, I saved the movie. It was my story. I went to Mars for God's sake. And came back after 15 years without aging while Anushka was all old and wrinkly and waiting for me.

I: Not at all 'Interstellar' like.

SRK: Sorry?

Image Source

I: Also, why would Anushka leave someone like Madhavan at the altar for a vain arsehole like you, especially after you left her at the altar? I love you and all that, yes, but, have you seen Madhavan? He looks delicious! Also, his character was not a dick and he loved Anushka for what she was.

SRK: Who was the producer of the movie? Me or Madhavan?

I: You, so?

SRK (cheekily): So, you know.

I: Never mind. So, the movie ended with you coming back from Mars after 15 years. There is no way a prick like your character would have gone back to Anushka when she's that old.

SRK: Absolutely not!

I: Then? What happens to you two? And the baby? How does the story end?

SRK: It doesn't. You'll have to wait for more.

I: Don't tell me you are making a sequel to this.

SRK smiles and nods.

I: Hey Ram!

SRK: Don't worry, Main hoon na!

I: Oh stop it, this movie doesn't deserve a sequel. This is the worst movie I have ever seen. All my life. In all languages. And I've seen some really shady ones, but none holds a candle to your 'Zero'.

SRK: That was the idea na, to make a movie nobody has ever thought of.

I: No one thinks of crap. Never.

SRK: Never say never, that's my mantra.

I: I thought that was Karan Johar. Your mantra.

SRK: Kya yaar, he's busy with Ranbir now. Meri taraf dekhta bhi nahi hai ab.

I: But, you did make an appearance in his last directorial 'Ae Dil Hai Mushkil' na? As expected.

SRK: I walked in on the shoot, else Karan would have cast Varun or Sidharth, his students.

I: As Aishwarya's ex-husband?

SRK: Arey uska koi bharaosa nahi. Kabhi acting karta hai, kabhi directing, kabhi casting, kabhi posing.

I: You seem to be pissed with him.

SRK: Then what yaar, he hasn't called me for 'Koffee With Karan' yet.

I: After what happened to most of the guests on the show, you should be glad.

SRK: Still yaar, I owned that show. Season after season.

I: How?

SRK: That's between Karan and me.

I: Are you guys planning to make a movie together in the future?

Image Source

SRK: I've been thinking of a sequel to 'Kuch Kuch Hota Hai', but he's not keen. Saala emotional fool. Too hung up on Rani and Kajal.

I: Sorry, what?

SRK: Arey, I asked him to cast me and two new girls in the sequel, he didn't like it.

I: Meaning, you wanted to play Rahul again? After 20 years?

SRK: Why not? I can easily do it. I just need two young girls, Kajal and Rani can't do that now.

I: Shahrukh, I have loved you all these years......

SRK: You are not alone. 'Fan' nahi dekhi kya?

I: But, now I'm questioning why.

SRK: Arey don't change the question. You have watched 'Fan' right? Else, I'll send you the DVD.

I: I have. I even sat through 'Dilwale' for you.

SRK: Rang de tu mohe geruaaaa.....

I: Please, please, please, make sensible movies next time, Shahrukh. For die-hard fans like me?

SRK: If you are a die-hard fan, you should love everything I do. Salman ke fans ko dekha nahi kya? They even watched 'Race 3' for him.

I: You want those kinda fans?

SRK: Arey, koi bhi fan chalega yaar. Waise bhi, no one has asked me to endorse a fan so far. Dhoni aur Alia ko le liya saalon ne.

I: But you have enough ads na?

SRK: Kaha? Less than 100.

I: Not enough?

SRK: One needs to think big yaar, height chota hua to kya hua, sapne bade dekhne chaiye.

I: Are you quoting a line from 'Zero'?

SRK (angrily): See, that was the whole purpose of the movie! What a waste of time this has been, I'm off!

I: Maardala...

23 comments:

  1. Funny and interesting! I really like your 'Not A Movie Review' posts. :)

    And, Anushka a renowned scientist, she gets pregnant, the dwarf goes to the Mars {for 15 years}...I'm not going to watch this movie! And, I was watching Jab Tak Hai Jaan. Couldn't finish. It was so boring. The Anushka Sharma's introductory scene was so stupid. Haven't seen Fan. Not a SRK fan, but Chak De, DDLJ and Dil To Pagal hai are my favourites. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you :)

      Ah that swimming scene na? Annoying as hell it was. Don't know what happened to the guy these days, he needs to make sensible movies.

      I love Chak De, Duplicate and Baadshah the most :)

      Delete
  2. Uffffff I love him too and watch his films anyways though Zero I have skipped off! I agree with you on the need for him to make sensible movies like Swades and Chak De - I miss those films!
    Sigh! some day soon we will have a kickass film from him - till then I am happy drooling from afar ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh lucky you! I still love the man, not his films though :P

      Delete
  3. What a fun and creative post, Soumya. The answers were sooo SRKish. I could imagine him answering this very way! Aah! I love him too much but I have ignored his recent movies. SIGH

    ReplyDelete
  4. I haven't seen an SRK movie in some time now. The last ones I saw were Raees and that Alia movie on Prime. I wish he had a fan like you to shake him and tell him to make better movies Sometimes I wonder if these actors are delusional. How can they not see what trash they are constantly doling out? And hats off to you for watching Zero after all those horrible reviews.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? Sigh, if only he heard this.

      Delete
  5. This was hilarious! I love how you set up the interview - signing your kidneys over, huh? And the way the rest of the interview went. Some of his recent movies have been really questionable!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, apparently the man is all about the money :P

      Delete
  6. Haw this is absolute blasphemy but really really funny! I missed watching Zero and now I'm not sure I'm sorry. But I do know the story and I have a whole theory for it, but that's another story in itself!
    That said I did like Fan. Dilwale too. Yeah I know, it's a little crazy but then it's SRK. I so wish he'd do things like Chak De or even the recent Dear Zindagi. He's sooooo good in those roles. I guess it must be tough to snap out of the personna that they themselves have taken care to build up over the years. You remember even Amitabh Bachchan went through a phase like that? He did those Ganga Jamuna Sarswati type of terrible films? Well so SRK shall find a new groove soonest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He broke my heart enough to write this one :P

      I hope he does find his groove soon. I still love the man like crazy, but his movies are driving me nuts!

      Delete
  7. Hilarious!!!
    I so enjoyed reading this interview; I was actually visualising you both engaged in the Q and A!
    I haven't seen an SRK movies in ages, and Chak de, India and Swades are the only two SRK films which I like, where he has acted. The rest is all rubbish, I feel. Sorry, haan! :P
    And, yes, Madhavan is simply and utterly delicious yaar!!! Forget SRK, drool over Maddy! :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, I have to agree with you there on all fronts :P

      Delete
  8. I read how ableist this movie apparently is and it pretty much makes a mockery of those with dwarfism as well. I don't watch Bollywood anymore and gave up on Shahrukh years ago though I was obsessed with him around the time I was 11 or 12 years old.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes! Everything that can go wrong went wrong in this movie.

      You are a smart woman, unfortunately for me the obsession is still on :P

      Delete
  9. I was never a Shahrukh fan. Well, I was never a fan of anyone. I mean, I don’t hate them, I don’t love them either. But I like to watch movies, sensible ones. The last such one of Shahrukh’s I watched was Dear Zindagi. After reading the many reviews of zero I skipping that one too.
    But, I enjoyed this interview very much, Soumya. Poor thing what do you do for kidneys now? :) I hope he reads this interview and comes back to sense and makes good movies as he used to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Vinitha :)

      I really hope he does. Really really hope.

      Delete
  10. Ha! Ha!

    I've been a SRK fan too for as long as I remember - Fauji days, when I was in school. But yes, his current choice of cinema has petered off my love for him.

    That was one dapper interview Soumya. Thanks for the tickles. <3

    ReplyDelete
  11. I saw this post link last week or so and I knew I have to come back to it to read. After all, your Not A Movie Review are fab and so was this interview with SRK.
    I was never a fan of SRK yet I liked few of his movies. When I watched OM Shanti Om in 2007, I thought it was completely brainless and then recently husband showed that movie to son and D was floored. He loved it and he also loved Happy New Year, Dilwale, Badshaah. So now I know SRK movies were mainly for kids and hardcore fans. Harry met Sejal was a torture I endured in theatre with D in tow thinking SRK won't take stupidity to altogether new level. I repent it to this day to have shown it to D. I turned out feeling stupid. Then came Zero. The only thing good that came out of Zero is your not a movie review :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, I'm glad something could come out of it!

      SRK only seems to be making brainless movies these days! :(

      Delete
  12. Wonderful conversation,Soumya. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete

Care to leave a word or two? Thanks for dropping by :)