Koffee With Karan #NotAMovieReview

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Koffee with Karan is one of my guilty pleasures, I honestly accept. As much as I love my English sit-coms and thrillers, Koffee with Karan is something I watch for the laughs and the WTF moments. I have actually watched every episode of the past five seasons and I'm looking forward to season 6 that will air soon. I know you are judging me, but like most of the guests on the show, I couldn't care less. I have always wondered what it would be like to sit there across from Karan and talk to him. Obviously, since my life is hardly interesting, he wouldn't invite me to his show. Also, since I am not born to famous parents or come from a credible family, I knew it was never going to happen. So, I decided to invite him for a chat instead. I had given myself a month to talk to his team and persuade them to agree for a chat with the man himself. Surprisingly, they agreed on the first try.

"He's there everywhere ya now. TV, radio, shows etc. Since every one sees/hears him on a daily basis now, no body calls him for interviews. The only calls are for hosting their weddings or birthdays or karvachauth parties. After months, we have got a call for an interview." Someone from his team tells me this.

"But, I'm not calling for an interview. Just a chat. Like his show." I say.

"Whatever ya, he will be there. Just give me the address and a date." She seems bored and annoyed.

So finally, the big day is here and Karan Johar walks into the terrace of my house where I'm waiting for him with two cups of, what else, coffee! Just when I stand to welcome him, he speaks.

Karan: Gosh, Bebo was right. This place is a dump.

I: Hello Karan, welcome.

Karan (looking at me from top to down and frowning): So, you are the journalist?

I: Sorry no, I'm just a blogger.

Karan: Ah, you are Miss Malini! Then, I've met you before.

Comes forward, hugs me and follows it with air kisses.

I: Actually....

Karan: Come on, let's take a selfie first. You on the right, my best profile is the left.

He flips out his iPhone Xs-Max and skillfully pouts to take a picture. He shows it to me, and I must admit, it does look pretty good.

Karan: I'll insta it later, will tag you. We can start now.

I: Karan, I'm Soumya actually and I write for LOL.

Karan: You are not Miss Malini? And is LOL a sub site for Pinkvilla?

I: No, it is just a blog.

Karan flips out his phone again, deletes our picture with a slide and looks at me with disgust.

Karan: Whatever, now that I'm here, let's do this.

I: Great. We'll start then?

Karan nods with a pout.

I: So, Koffee With Karan is back with season 6. What the new brew this season?

Karan (with a straight face): I think, Arabica.

I: No, I meant what's new this season?

Karan (thinking hard): Lots of things ya, this is going to be the best season yet. Everything is changed.

I: You mean all new guests this time. No repeats from the previous seasons.

Karan (angrily): What nonsense! I meant new sets, new couch, new cups and even a new hamper.

I: So, the show is just the same? And the guests too?

Karan (proudly): Why would you change the best?

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I: Okay then, let's talk about your book.

Karan (looking at me with disgust again): You can afford to read bestsellers?

I: Well, if the best seller is being sold at 39 bucks on Kindle, yes.

Karan: Just 39? I need to talk to my publisher.

He flips out his phone again and storms out. After 20 minutes he's back and wakes me up from my nap by poking me with his phone.

Karan (ecstatically): Done. He's going to add a 0 after the 39 now. I asked for two, we negotiated for one instead.

I: Wow, just like the addition of Ks in your movie titles.

Karan: Exactly! Finally you seem to be making sense.

I: But Student Of The Year did not have a 'K' in it. What made you direct it then?

Karan: That was a big gamble I took.

I: Casting three new comers you mean?

Karan: No ya, with the title. I wanted it to be called 'Kool Student Of the Year' or 'Karismatic Kids', but the others in my team did not think high of it, so we retained the original.

I: The movie did well though. Those kids could act, honestly.

Karan: Of course! What else would you expect from Mahesh Bhatt and David Dhawan's sperms?

I: Sorry, what?

Karan (annoyed): Do you want me to teach you biology now?

I: No, thank you. Moving on....

Karan suddenly starts humming "Bole Chudiya, Bole KANGANA". I realize he wants me to talk about Kangana, but I do not want to talk about unnecessary controversies, so I ignore it.

I: You seem to have lost a lot of weight, well done.

Karan: Oh yes, once I had my babies I had to lose the pregnancy weight na. Hahahahaha.

I: Eh...

Karan: It was a joke, did you not get it? Do you come from a famous lineage? Famous parents, at least?

I: No, no and a no.

Karan (looking at me with disgust): Yeah, I guessed that!

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I: You are a very fashionable director. Always into the latest trends!

Karan: Oh yes, I need to spend my millions somewhere na. Fashion is just a hobby.

I: Whose fashion sense do you admire the most?

Karan: My best friend yaar, Bebo!

I: What about Sonam?

Karan: Naah, she's all about magazine covers. None of what she wears on the cover can be worn in real life.

I: Does she know that?

Karan: No way! You think she'll come on my show if I tell her that?

I: But you make them tell such stuff on your show.

Karan: That's allowed. It's my show after all. I'm giving them a platform to express themselves.

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I did not want to talk about it, but the situation now calls for it. Is this man playing tricks with my mind?

I: That's what Kangana did too, right? On your show.

Karan (pretending to be angry and not interested): I don't want to talk about this topic anymore.

I: Okay, if that's what you......

Karan: Okay, if you are insisting so much, then listen. I've forgiven her for what she did, so she should let it go. I can't believe she's taking it so far now.

I: But, she hardly talks about it now. What did she do?

Karan: Her next movie, she's named it after me.

I: What? Which one?

Karan: Money-Karan-Ka. I can't help it if I'm rich and she's poverty!

I: Karan, you have got it wrong.

Karan: I can never get anything wrong. I'm Yash Johar's son.

I: The movie is called Manikarnika. It is based on the Queen of Jhansi.

Karan: Who?

I: The Queen of Jhansi. Rani Laxmibai.

Karan: I've never heard of her. Doesn't she have famous parents?

I: Never mind. Let's move to the Rapid fire round now?

Karan: Hey, you have copied that from show. Not fair.

I: Yes I did, only because it is you.

Karan (pleased): Fine, where is the hamper?

I walk in and come back with a Haldiram's hamper I have been saving since Ganesh Chaturthi.

I: Will this do?

Karan (with a disgusted look again): What else can I expect from you?

I: So, let's start.

Karan flips out his phone again, checks himself out, pouts and nods.

I: Okay. Who are the most talented new comers in the industry today?

Karan: Alia Bhatt, Jhanvi Kapoor, Ranbir Kapoor, Arjun Kapoor, Kareena Kapoor, Varun Dhawan, Ananya Panday.

I: Not all of them are new comers.

Karan: I know, but they are the most talented.

I: What about Vicky Kaushal, Bhumi Pednekar, Nawazuddin Siddiqui?

Karan: What about them?

I: Are they not talented?

Karan: They are, but the others are more talented. They have it in their blood.

I: Yeah, I get it. Let's move on.

Karan nods.

I: What's the first word that comes to your mind when I say the following? Kajol.

Karan: Tanujaji's daughter.

I: Ranbir Kapoor.

Karan: Ae Dil Hai Mushkil. Wait no, Rishiji's son. And.....

I: Yes?

Karan: Neetuji's son.

I: Shah Rukh Khan.

Karan (shyly): Kuch kuch hota hai.

I: Children.

Karan: Taimur, Roohi and Yash will be the superstars of tomorrow.

I: Fashion.

Karan: I wish I had made that movie. It would have been twice as successful.

I realized that this rapid fire round is not going as rapid as I expected, but still.

I: I did not mean the movie. But, really? How would you make it?

Karan: I'd set it in Paris Fashion Week firstly. I'd call it Firangi Fashion.

I (sarcastically): No 'K' here?

Karan (thoughtfully): Khatarnak Firangi Fashion?

I: What?

Karan: Don't worry, we'll have Bebo do an item number on the title track. We'll make it famous.

I: What other movies do you wish to have made yourself?

Karan: Swades. I'd set it in Iceland and have Shah Rukh melt the ice with his body heat to provide water for the whole village.

I: Village in Iceland?

Karan: It is a story, be creative!

I: Any others?

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Karan (thinking hard): You know, I'd have loved to make Bombay Velvet.

I: Didn't you star in it?

Karan: Can you believe they didn't give me an award for it?

I: Yes, I can. How would you have made it different?

Karan: I'd have called it Kolorful Velvet and shot it over all the seven wonders of the world, with the actress wearing only velvet sarees.

I: Excellent. How interesting!

Karan: I know, right? But Anurag just wanted me to act and not direct. If only it was Adi.

I: Adi?

Karan (rolling eyes): Aditya Chopra. Son of Yash Chopra.

I: Oh him. Rani Mukerji's husband.

Karan: Yeah, him. When direction is in your blood, it is so easy.

I: You mean to say that talent flows through blood? Between parents and children?

Karan: Duh! Obviously. Look at Abhishek Bachchan, what an actor!

I: Yeah, right!

Karan: Also, Arjun Tendulkar, Sachin's son. Didn't he win the world cup for us this year?

I: That sentence is wrong on so many levels. First, we did not have a world cup this year.

Karan: You really are stupid. Arjun Tendulkar won it. He could do it only because he's Sachin Tendulkar's son.

I: Karan, we had the Football world cup this year. France won it.

Karan (googles quickly): Yeah! I don't watch sports much you know, I prefer Entertainment now instead.

I: Okay, Karan. Last question for the Rapid fire round and the chat.

Karan (almost standing up): Well, about time.

I: Give me a word that starts with N.

Karan (instantly): Nepo......

He stares at me intently and angrily as I have a big grin on my face.

Karan: Napolean.

I: Really?

Karan: You think he has a son/daughter? Or grandchildren? I need to cast for Student Of the Year 3 soon. We'll set it in an historic school. In London, of course.

Having said this, he grabs the hamper and walks away mumbling "I wonder if even my driver KKishan would want this."