I hate love stories

Its goddamned overrated. This love thing. At times I wish that love was a habit. I'd gladly kick it then, with both feet.

I'm done. Seriously. I'm done with this thing called love. The very thought of it now curdles my blood. It angers me so much that I can feel the bile rising up my throat making me want to puke. What the fuck is it with love anyway? I was doing great for more than a year or so. Just when I was having a great time with a great guy in a great place, the blast from the past had to happen. And that too not even the far away past. I totally blame myself for this. I should never have made memories post the breakup. It would seem like a joke to you people that I had the best times of love after the break up. I made more memories after the break up than when we were together. Hah! Talk about being foolish.

Been there, done that. Each time I think of the situation or the person linked with it I now get furious. I never knew I had a popping vein on my forehead until I saw myself in the mirror while I was sobbing in the shower. This is good. I need to build up anger and one fine day erupt like a volcano and be done with it. I can't take this love crap anymore. It makes me sick, to the bone. I'm done. I'm burying this feeling deep inside and piling work, stress, drinks, music and lust over it. Go ahead and call me a bitch if you want, but I'm going to do anything and everything that makes me happy. So what if I can't fall in love again? I can still have fun right. Bring on the distractions, minus the emotions.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just troubled. Trust me, I swear to God that I did not see this coming. I was very very very happy with my life. I had everything I wanted and I was beginning to have crushes again and yeah was almost on the verge of giving that darned word another try. I was back to my happy old self and 'he' was the last thing on my mind. Yeah, so you can imagine the jolt it was for me. I actually felt like I was being electrocuted at that point of time. Funny that I don't feel anything of that sort now. I'm perfectly fine and actually the last two days have been really great and my crush has remained intact. It probably was that particular moment and the intensity of it. Or maybe the fact that it happened on the 18th. It did not occur to me then, but it did now.

You maybe surprised but in a weird way I'm actually happy that this happened. Atleast now I know where my feelings are concentrated and I just need to avoid one part of my life. Label me an escapist if you wish, but I ain't getting into this love shit again. I'm happy with my string of crushes and almost platonic relationships. Commitment is erased from my dictionary and its gonna stay that way for quite some time. I'm still young and I'm giving it a whole 2 years before I use that word again. Apart from this terror called love, everything else is near perfect in my life. Why I crib about one part of my life all the time I never know. Not anymore. Honestly, I lead a life that most women only dream of. Its only these moments of unwanted love that messes up my thoughts and my take on life. I'm content and satisfied with the way things are. I don't need any ugly reminders. I mean it and I'll do everything to stay away from it.

Until then this is what I'm gonna chant:

I'm not in love
Its just this phase that I'm going through
I will survive
I'm surely gonna make it through

Okay now who wants to take the initiative of slapping me if I turn all sad and lovelorn again? :D

P.S: I'm way too tempted to remove the previous post. But that's one of the most honest posts I've written, albeit it came out in sheer frustration. Well that was me, and so is this.

This is Me

Warning: A long post ahead.

They say that when you are going to die, your whole life flashes in front of you. Something similar happened to her.

It was a perfectly set evening. She had just returned from work and was too exhausted to go out. But she had made a dinner promise to him and she intended to keep it. Fair enough, as it was his last day in the company and the city. She had been avoiding this situation for long enough now. The time had come to face it. And so they went, each one knowing what to say but none having the strength to accept the truth.

He spoke as she dug into her chicken and ham lasagna, carefully separating the capsicum bits. Her head hurt from all the calls she had to attend throughout the day. The vodka tonic concoction was not helping either. So she just sat back and listened. She knew what the questions were going to be and she had answers ready for them. She waited for him to finish. It was a cute little speech and then came a lone bright red rose off his bag. She took it and smiled.

"So, I don't know when I'll be seeing you again"

The first flashes began for her. Her head hurt. Bad.

"Hmmm...", she mumbled.

"Why don't you want to try atleast?"

"Because its not right"

There came a hazy view in her mind and she just couldn't ignore it. It was painfully disturbing and she felt two people strolling somewhere in her mind. She couldn't hear the voice in front of her anymore. What was happening? Her head hurt more. Migraine? At this time, not likely. Nor it was the vodka, she had just taken a sip. A troubled look came over her face as the wind blew her hair.

"Kya hua? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, please continue"

The images were coming closer and she could figure out who they were and what they were doing. It was like as if the inside of her head was exploding to show her the real picture. It was one shock after another and one jolt after the other. Suddenly reality stood way too clearly in front of her and she got up. Uneasy was not the word. After three years, this was not expected. Not after the moving on seemed successful.

"I need to leave", she whispered. It was all so irrational. Such things only happened in Ekta Kapoor's serials. Not in real life. Not to her atleast. She wanted to scream, but only managed to repeat her previous words.

He held her hand, she shook it away.

"No", she screamed. "Don't touch me"

"Okay okay relax, have some water"

The final bubble exploded inside and suddenly everything was clear to her. She seemed fine now. She sat down, had a sip of her drink and looked straight into his eyes.

"I still love him", she said with an unnecessary smile.

"So I thought".

He was hurt, but she did not seem to care. Her mind was racing hard. She had to let him know that she still loved him. She had to let him know that she will always only love him. She had to tell him that she still belonged to him. She had to. Enough of all the hide and seek and the painful desperation. She had to let him know that all she wanted was him. She excused herself and rushed to a place where she could make a call. She was thrilled. Butterflies roamed about freely inside her tickling her heart. She felt good, she had to let him know.

Just as she took out the phone and looked for his number, she remembered the promise she had made to him.

"I swear, I'll never bother you again", she had said. And he had happily agreed.

She sat down on the floor holding the phone wondering what to do, completely oblivious to the dusty floor and the fact that her skirt has slipped quite some inches above her knee. She sat there expressionless. Frozen. Should she just forget the promise and call him instead? She bit into her perfectly french manicured nail wondering what to do. He was happy without her, he did not need her. Maybe he even hated her now. He's in peace. Should she disturb it? Her head hurt more now. A tear fell off her eye. It had been ages since she had cried. Every part of her was hurting now. She closed her eyes. His smiling face readily flashed. She promptly got up, wiped the tears off her face and walked back to her seat. He was happy. She intended to keep her promise, she was not going to trouble him again.

She gulped down her drink and asked the now stranger in front of her if they can leave. He nodded and they left.

Not a word was spoken in the 40 minute journey. She looked out of her window on her left and he looked straight ahead into the traffic. They reached her place, way too sooner than expected.

"I'm sorry. I did not see this coming"

"I guess I always knew somewhere. I should have understood. I'm sorry I put you through this"

"Its okay. You've been a great friend and I'm gonna miss you for sure"

"Just leave, I don't want to say anything"

"Okay. Bye"


He left. She hasn't heard from him since. She did not blame him. There went another one of her friends. She'll get used to this one too. She walked up to her apartment and locked herself up in her room and lit a smoke. She looked up at the mirror and let out a yelp. She couldn't stop the flow of tears after that. The mirror was teasing her. 'She' had been stripped into an 'I'. It was all out in the open. I couldn't control my pain. I wanted to reach out and tell him that I loved him and wanted him back. I wanted to let him know that I longed to hold his hand or atleast have a glimpse of him. I reached for the phone again and sat back and tearfully contemplated for 15 minutes if I should make the call. I've still been contemplating till today.

The Vision: The day we met after months. I was the supergirl then and you the plain simple down to earth being you have always been. We met for drinks and then decided to go back to your place. I was visiting your house after a long time. But, it all felt the same. The same way how it had felt 5 years ago. For me, every corner of that place reeks of us. Its good that you are moving out of it soon. My vision started with us climbing up the stairs to the terrace to get some fresh air. You were holding my hand and I felt warm snuggled against your chest. We were back together in a split second then. The next thing we knew, we were deciding the names of our unborn children. This continued for so long that we actually ended up arguing and mocking each other as we vetoed each other's choice of names. This piece of memory seems so fresh that trust me I can actually breathe the air around us that day. Why? Why did we have this day?

So we're back to where we started off. I still love him. All that moving on and wanting to like someone else seems so fake now. I'm stripped off all the armour I wore until now standing naked facing the reality that he will never be mine. He will never know how I feel and I don't know how am I gonna survive this now. Once, okay. Twice, okay. Thrice, okay. But not for the fourth time. I don't think I have that much strength left in me now. My chest's hurting bad as I write this wondering what he is thinking at this very moment. I know I will get terrible reactions for this post, but I can't do anything, for this is the truth. This is the real me in this post as opposed to all the other fictional 'she's' I created earlier.

The real stupid loser me. The lovelorn lioness who can only meow now. The wounded princess trying to heal herself after hurting almost everyone close to her. How can I still love something that happened 6 years ago. How can I love something from which I've been apart for 3 years. How can I love something that has put me in so much pain. Why do I fail to see the period of struggle, depression and heartbreak? All I can think of now is that one night at your terrace. How do I get this off my mind? How do I get you off my mind? How do I stop loving you? Why do I still love you? I hate you for doing this to me. I hate myself more for putting up with all this.

You said that if we get back together, there will be no looking back. You have to know one thing, if I have you by my side, that's the only side I'd look all my life.

PS: God save me from now on.

Everyone's fighting a battle

Life's outrageously funny.

I'm just back from a short trip down to Hampi with a few of my office mates. It was a good trip, but all I remember from it is drinking, posing for snaps and the unbearable heat. But what I'm most glad about is what I learnt about people during my 2 day stint out there. Not all of us lead a perfect life, and I was proved right.

Everybody is fighting a battle.

Some with others, some with life and some like me, with themselves. As I lay awake on the top berth of the train a million thoughts flooded my mind. People are different. And each one of them is fighting something in their own way. I found out how a casanova can sometimes be a loner, how an outspoken man can be so shallow inside, how a woman can crave for male attention to satiate her growing age and inferiority complex, how an overtly committed man can be so perverted, how a misanthrope is secretly looking for love in all the wrong places, how a relationship can go from friendship to anonymous, how a woman is thinking of excuses to break his heart, how a guy is hoping for his friend to love him, how a mother is looking at her child and then at her out of shape body, how a guy is desperately trying to make himself believe that he does not love the girl he loved for years anymore, how a young woman refuses to acknowledge the fact that she still is love with the past and how a girl is trying to fight herself to avoid looking back.

Everyone is trying to go back and undo some parts of their life. Everyone wants to burn down some pages of their tale. Everyone wishes that some things had never happened. Everyone cries.

Yes, everyone is fighting a hard battle inside.

Original Sin

The principles of lust
Are all burned in your mind
Do what you want
Do it until you find

The principles of lust
Are easy to understand
Do what you feel
Feel until the end

~ Enigma ~

Love should be the sin, not lust. Love is the original sin.

Is this Love?

I wake up thinking of you
I can smell you all around
Do you think this is love
Cos you make my world go round

I see your pretty face
Everywhere, then and now
I want to keep seeing it
Seriously, is this love

I long for your presence
More than you can ever think
I don't know if this is love
But, I feel you with every blink

You look at another woman
Envy then seems to shove
I want your looks just for me
Please tell me, is this love

When you hold my hands
Its an enormous thrill
Is this what is love
Without you I feel nil

I don't know what you're thinking
At times everything goes above
I'm so lost in your eyes
Do you think this is love

I want to fight for you
Hell with the peace and the dove
I just want you for myself
Tell me if this is love

Do I have the strength to sail through
What If I turn this to dust
If this actually is love
This word, can I trust

I don't want to feel this way
I want these feelings to drop
If this is what is love
I sure want it to stop

Stupid Me

And that's it. Nothing beyond it.

I'm extremely pissed today. Either I'm nursing a hangover from last night or going through severe withdrawal symptoms thanks to the whole idea of trying to quit smoking and actually succeeding. Every thing's going great but something doesn't feel right. To start off, what's with all the romantic posts that I've put up of late. Parts of them have been drawn from my life while the rest has been fiction. But when I read it, I stump myself. That's quite some wild imagination I have. Love is the last thing on my mind right now, but it seems to be a priority on print.

Honestly, I'm shit confused about a few things. Oh yeah I know, I know, as usual. I thought I would never go back to what I was a few years ago. The love lorn, short tempered, deep thinking, foolish woman. But I seem to be getting there again. At times I feel I'm falling in love, and the next minute I'm cursing the word. One day I feel I'm doing a great job at getting over and the next day I'm drowning myself in nostalgia. The crush and the feelings are going through a serious to and fro. Today it has been on an eternal low and I hate myself for the way I behaved today. I hurt myself and someone else. I'm sleep deprived I guess.

When he's not around I miss him like crazy waiting for him to return. I mistake this for love. When he's back I don't feel a thing and end up ignoring him. This episode is seriously not looking good. I'm also not able to figure out what he's thinking which is adding on to the frustration. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I can't lose him. But, we are drifting apart. This is the first time I'm feeling this. We have had our moments, but we have never let the awkwardness get to us. But that seems to be coming to an end now. Yes, we are drifting apart. And I'm not liking it. But, if it has to end, let it. For good. I don't want to live in uncertainty again. Not again. Never.

I seem to have this horrible need to have someone around me always. I always have had someone around and that too more often than not, the opposite sex. Friends. Even if I'm alone for a few minutes I tend to feel paralysed. I had phased out sometime earlier and had learnt to enjoy solitude. But then wham! A whole lot of people poured back into my life sweeping into my 'me' time. As I was trying to kick the 'butt' I realised that it is fairly easy to quit habits than people. When you have had someone around you all the time and suddenly that person goes missing, life seems dull. This is so not done. This is not me. The Lioness always preys alone. What the fuck is going on?

I need to give this up. No, I'm not emotionally dependent on anyone. But I probably don't trust me with myself anymore. With my thoughts I mean. Called up my best friend to vent sometime back. She told me to stop thinking about others and think about myself for sometime. Its funny that most of the people in my life think that I'm so self obsessed that I only think about myself. See, I'm not the only confused one out here. I'm not the misfit. She's right. I've begun to think too much of late. The mission to sort my life has taken a toll on me to such an extent that I'm only concerned about trying to fit in the right pieces than myself. Not right. I can't depend on anyone like this. I'm an independent freak for everything else but this. I need to change. I need to learn to be alone or make myself stronger to not notice the difference when some one's gone. We start work on this today. Now.

The post turned out to be longer than I expected, but I just wanted to vent. Feeling a bit better now. Wait, just saw the first look of 'Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara'. Feeling a lot better now.

Not quite yet

They never fought. Not once. This was the first. (If you can call it that)

He was furious, she seemed calm.

"Chalo, its late. Drop me home now"



"Because you are selfish, arrogant, narcissistic and only think about yourself"

"Yeah, that I know. What else"

"But that's only one part of you. The other part is the best thing that has ever happened to me"

Smiles. "I know that too"

"You're the perfect blend yaar, why don't you see it"

"I don't know why I should see it"

"True. You are lucky you don't. Else you would have ended up as fucked up as I am now"

"Hmmm. Kyu?"

"Pata nahi. I have known you since quite long now. You have the best personality I have come across in a woman. I love your attitude and your clean heart"

Intrigued. "Clean heart?"

"Hmmm, dil bahut saaf hai tera....... Ab yeh math bolna ki you knew this too"

"Naah, not really"

"Well, don't fly too much now. Jo bhi hai, par kamini hai tu"

"Hahaha, this I know"

"Dekh, that's why I love you"

That was the conversation they had as they were walking down the stairs, he slips suddenly and hurts his arm. They both sit down and she's massaging his arm to relieve him of pain.

He smiles.

"Ab kya hai?"

"Kuch nahi"

Grumbling. "I hate that I care so much about you"

"That's another thing I love"

An impromptu hug, a soft peck and then they leave. They walk close trying to reach out for each other's hand. But not quite yet.

God, are you freaking kidding me?!?

Happy Ending

Some people tell you they love you, and then they tear you apart. Into shards.

Every time I think that I can't love you more, I prove myself wrong. Even a stab from you seems filled with love.

I fought with all I could, but yes, we win some, we lose some. Then, we learn.

Its the 21st century. Love is no longer blind here. Probably that's why, I still love you.

My only reason for loving you was that its you.

I tried to hate you. Then I realised that it hurt a lot less to not care.

At times I can't seem to fathom as who it was who threw this all away. Me. Or you.

Its not tough to let go of something that hurts you. Its tough to let go of something that you have always wanted. Irony is that, both happens to be the same thing.

I said that I'll love you forever. But now, forever is getting over.

When you said that you loved me, you lied.

You could never trust me with the truth. Or yourself.

Your love made me lose my patience. But you stayed until I won it back. That's what I can't seem to get over.

I'm crazy, lost and foolish. Don't judge me. You made me this way.

I want to forget. But you know, its tough to forget the only thing that you want to remember.

I can't sit and weep and cry. I'm sorry if I robbed you of the pleasure of seeing me in pain.

Just so you know, you are the only stranger whom I'll ever know.

Sometimes it is very important to say the final goodbye.

Try not to miss me, because I'm sure you will.

I bid adieu this time. But remember, next time I want you to be mine.

Fly my love, its time you grew wings.

Again, just so you know, if life was long enough, I'd never ever have given up.

P.S: This is not exactly what you would call a happy ending. But it makes sense when your happy that it ended.

A Lot like Love

Ages since I did an all picture post. Each of these are my personal favorites, the last one being the best of the lot.

A kiss for me, has always been the best expression of love. Its simple, easy and most importantly, safe. I love the feeling and some memories are vivid enough to give you goose bumps all over!

Strangers in the Night

There sat a group of 10 to 12 people, drinking and laughing. It was a perfect atmosphere with the faint moon lit sky and the smooth breeze. They seemed to be lost in themselves talking and making merry. She sat there stirring her drink way too often. She could feel his gaze on her, but she chose to ignore it playfully. She gave a quick glance towards his side and he gave an angry smirk. He hated it when she sat so far away from him. Way out of his reach. Made him insecure. He felt that it meant that she was slipping away from him.

He angrily gulped down his drink. The crowd seemed oblivious to the silent interactions between these two. She leaned forward and reached for his hand. He held it tight and looked right into her eyes. She couldn't get her eyes off him. He looked gorgeous in the faint light. But they were friends. Just friends, just the way she had insisted. But the churning of feelings from the past few days were troubling her. Him too. It was very clear as he squeezed her hand in frustration. She gave him a look that told him to relax. He smiled and took the cigarette from her hand. She blew her residue smoke right onto him. He smiled more now and gestured her to go out with him.

The crowd was caught up in some busy discussion, as he left abruptly. She suddenly seemed really conscious, hoping that nobody would notice when she leaves too. On the pretext of lighting a smoke she left the group, slowly dragging herself to the zone where the only light was that of the stars. He stood there waiting for her and smiled when he saw her. He winked at her telling that she looked beautiful tonight. Now she smiled as she took in a drag and walked towards him.

There wasn't much room in that small place they stood. The music was still heard as they came close. He took the golden stick from her and burned it out. She gave him a shocked look. He had never done that before. He pulled her close by her waist. His touch through her thin black dress sent shivers down her spine. She rested her arms around his shoulders without thinking. Suddenly stereo love filled in the air. It was their song. Both smiled as they squeezed each other. He did not let her go, she did not want him to. Both stood there soaking in each other. It was one of the most beautiful feelings ever. But they were friends, what was happening out here?

When this realisation struck her, she withdrew herself from him. He seemed displeased as he saw the confused look on her face. Her face read that this was not right, but she knew that it felt right. He now pulled her by her cheeks and pushed her hair back gently. He ran his fingers outlining her lips and she began to lose herself. Her mind was telling her to back off but her heart did not seem to be listening. He came close and kissed her lightly. When she did not pull back he went in deep. She knew he was a passionate animal, and he had just proved it. He held on to her close as she ran her fingers through his silky tresses. He leaned on more towards her and held her close and tight as if never wanting to let her go. She did not want this moment to stop. It was perfect.

The realisation dawned on both of them at the same time. They were no longer friends. She let go of him slowly, but he wouldn't leave her lips. She had to push him away and he gave a sad moan. She smiled and winked at him, then walked away towards the group. He followed her slowly. They sat together now holding hands. He smiled, she ignored him. Her mind was working fast. What was happening? The friendship was surely ruined. What was he now? No, she did not love him as yet. But she enjoyed everything that happened. She wanted it to happen again. Why?

She stood up and went and sat on the other side. He seemed confused and hurt. She sat in front of him and gave him a look asking as to what happened. His smile told her that he loved her. She'd known that for quite a while now. The next sly smile asked him if she loved him too. She smiled and shook her head, and he laughed out loud. The entire group turned towards him asking what was it. She got angry and gave him a warning look. He said nothing and got involved in their conversation. She sat there looking at him, going back to what had happened. He was no longer a friend. How did this happen? How did this beautiful thing in front of her suddenly turn into a stranger?

Dil sa koi kameena nahi

Love. The one word that leaves me troubled to dangerous extents. The one word that is never off my mind. The one word that makes me want to plunge into it. The one word that has been the sole reason for a million smiles and a gazillion tears. The one word that makes me want to look back and hold out my hand again. The one word that makes me view a prominent face each time I close my eyes. The one word that opens the Pandora's box instantly. The one word which has me praying. The one word that I want out of my life. The one word that makes me want to live. The one word that makes me wish that I was dead.

Inspite of all this, still, I'm in love with the whole concept of love. It annoys me to the core and shakes the very depth of my soul. Just a thought gets me to behave like a rolling stone. Why? I don't want to go back to the same old excuse of being a romantic fool aka a Leo. Even the concept of being a Leo has ceased to make sense now. Poetry still flows and so does frustration, smiles and sadness. Misery and melancholy follow. But still its doesn't take me half a second to take a detour and go back to the start. I guess we are all made that way. Atleast I am.

God seriously has a wicked sense of humour. Makes me go through the same thing over and over and over again. But again, for you, a thousand times over.

They say love is the best gift ever. But again, some gifts are returned unopened.

P.S: When everything is going smooth, I don't know why am I writing this.

P.P.S: I want to write more, but something inside me is telling me to stop.