Sixty Thoughts That Crossed My Mind While Watching RRKPK #NotAMovieReview

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It is no secret that I'm obsessed with Karan Johar. No, not with his sexuality like most of the people who troll him online are. I'm just obsessed with him in general. He has a fantastic sense of humor and a very interesting sense of fashion. Above everything else, he's entertaining to say the least. Unfortunately you cannot say the same about his movies. Well, they are entertaining, but not exactly in the true sense of the word. As I write this I realize that most of my #NotAMovieReview posts have been on his movies. Like this, this and this. Then of course is my infamous chat with the man himself! Can't believe it was five years ago. Once he completes his season 8 of KWK (yes, I continue to watch it), I'll probably invite him for a chat again.

One of the pointers that I missed to mention in my 2023 in 23 post is that, I'm no longer a fan of going out to watch movies. Unless it is an MCU movie or an SRK one. When Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahani (talk about being a mouthful) released, I had no intention to watch it. While I was initially excited about the person that Ranveer Singh is, over the past few years I've found him plainly annoying. Perhaps, as I became an introvert with time, I'm finding extroverts intolerable. And Ranveer happens to be an extrovert on gallons of Red Bull. Alia, on the other hand, is adorable and an exceptional actress. Post her relationship with Ranbir Kapoor, marriage, baby et all, she kind of seems full of herself and fake. I don't know what exactly it is, but this is just what I think. So it was pretty clear to me that I'd not be watching this one in the theatre and the sole reason that I'd be watching it on OTT is to write a post like this.

Even the trailer of the movie did not excite me, especially since it was evident that Ranveer Singh was playing himself. Still, after having watched an ample amount of great content driven movies, this one seemed like a breezy watch. Plus, I had a post to write. So, armed with my trusted notebook and a black pen, I sat down to watch KJo's latest magnum opus that was not Koffee With Karan.

Here are the sixty thoughts that crossed my mind while watching Karan Johar's Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahaani:

1. I like the Dharma music, basically the Kuch Kuch Hota Hai theme, that comes at the beginning of all Dharma movies. It is pleasing in a way. The only hope is the movie will be too.

2. Jaya Bachchan is Dhanlakshmi, the matriarch of the family who runs the family business, Dhanlakshmi sweets. Not a narcissistic name at all.

3. Oh, apparently she loves money so much that she named her son, brace yourselves, Tijori. This Tijori worships and fears Dhanlakshmi. What else would you except from parents who name their son a vault?

4. The father is Dharmendra. Gosh, it hurts me to watch him. Cringe max.

5. Tijori's son is Rocky aka Ranveer. Of course there is an intro song with multiple guest appearances. Heart-throb erm. He seems to love his protein shake and his cleavage equally. 

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6. Why is Jaya Bachchan frowning and cursing all the time. Oh, she plays herself too!

7. OMG! Is Dharmendra pecking the cheek of a random woman at a public occasion? Why is he calling her Jamini? Most importantly, why isn't the woman creating a scene?

8. Apparently the old man is senile and can only recall a name - Jamini. As per his wife, he doesn't know anyone named Jamini. Something fishy? You bet.

9. Since it is all about loving your family, Rocky is determined to find Jamini for his grandfather whose actual wife is hale and healthy, next to him, albeit annoying to the power max.

10. Jamini turns out to be the grand-aunt of Rani, who by the way, brace yourselves again, is a news reporter. Even though she's dressed like an actress who is about to run under a waterfall and start dancing.

11. Hat's off to KJo for casting Alia Bhatt as a intellectual woman. No, really.

12. Rocky lives in a white house type of house in Delhi. Well, at least it is not the castle from Downtown Abbey like K3G. 

13. Rocky meets Rani and their kahani begins? Apparently not. They want to complete the prem kahani of Kanwal (Dharmendra) and Jamini (Shabani Azmi). Isn't the movie title a bit too misleading then?

14. Rani can't take her eyes of Rocky's cleavage. Nice to see a man being objectified. Oh, he seems to be enjoying it? Wrong message, KJo.

15. Jamini and Kanwal, who had an extra-marital affair eons ago, meet again and kiss! In front of both the families. Dhanlakshmi is watching looking like Ghostface.

16. Rocky and Rani help Jamini and Kanwal meet in secret. I thought KJo was done with extra marital affairs after KANK. 

17. Both couples are making out every chance they get.  Please tell me there won't be a product placement for some brand of Chyawanprash. Please.

18. Thankfully no. Neither of the couples look like they are in love. Where is the prem in this prem kahani? Rocky and Rani seem to be a part of Lust Stories and Jamini and Kanwal, well, I feel really bad for them. To be forced to do this.

19. Rocky is in love and Rani is not. While they should be dumb and dumber, Rani thinks they don't match intellectually.

20. Oh sweet Lord! To test his GK, she asks him where West Bengal is and he says if it is West Bengal it should obviously be in the West! Kill me now. Anyone who has attended primary school should know this.

21. Rocky proposes and Rani disposes. Please tell me there won't be a melancholic song now.

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22. Of course there is a song. In snow clad locales, of course! Wouldn't expect any less from our KJo. Why is Rocky swaddled in jackets and boots while Rani is in transparent sarees and backless blouses? Are they trying to say that Bengalis have thicker skin than Punjabis? Maybe the message is that women are strong and they can put up with anything. Snow and vexing men included.

23. Oh this is a dream sequence to get Rani to realize that she's in love with Rocky. Never mind if they only make out and have no topics to talk about except Jamini and Kanwal.

24. Gosh, this is a very loud scene. Why are both of them overacting? Do what you do best. Kiss and make up.

25. What do you know, they do kiss and make up.

26. To get to know each other's family better, they decide to swap homes for 3 months. This is what happens when you think with your biceps, Rocky. 

27. So, Rani is at the Randhawas. It is hate at first sight for Rani and Dhanlakshmi. Gosh, Jaya Bachchan's expressions are more tiring than her interactions with the media in real life.

28. Rocky is at the Chatterjees. They have no misconception about him. They know he's dumb and so does he. 

29. I feel really sad for Namit Das. Such a good actor reduced to a silly sidekick.

30. Rani is trying to bond with Rocky's meek mother and slightly overweight sister. By singing 'Aap jaisa koi'. Not kidding.

31. The comments made on the overweight sister are off-putting. Looks like KJo is trying to address way too many issues here. Calling Gayathri as Golu, is not helpful at all. I hope she doesn't turn into a svelte swan by the end of the movie like Rohan from K3G.

32. She's interested in trading? How, when, why? Out of the blue this angle is introduced.

33. Rocky is going shopping with Rani's mother to buy bras. You read it right. She makes him try them on to check out the design and pattern. If this is not feminism, then I don't know what is!

34. Rocky is offended and so am I! If this is a take on equality, it is absolutely ridiculous. If the idea is to normalize men buying lingerie for women, there is no need for them to try it out! I don't try out the boxers I buy for my partner.

35. Rani's father is a Kathak dancer and teacher. He dances at an occasion and the Randhawas and their side of relatives and friends ridicule him. Apparently a man dancing to kathak is frowned upon while unruly men dancing to the beats of bhangra is considered macho. What's on your mind, KJo?

36. I like Rocky's parrot green kurta though. Has Manish Malhotra all over it. He designed it probably, I mean.

37. What's this speech on cancel culture all about? Did I miss something?

38. It is about Rani's father's dance? How and why? Why is Ranveer learning kathak now? Over compensation much.

39. Rani posts a video of Rocky's mother singing, without her consent. She's selected for a reality show. Nothing seems to be real about the movie now.

40. Rani also helps Gayathri get a job as a trader. Were these women waiting for another woman to come into their lives and boss them over? Weren't they tired of Dhanlakshmi and Tijori doing the same to them?

41. Oh Rani is empowering women! I get it now. Especially when the woman decides to sing 'Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai' on the reality show.

42. Rocky meanwhile is learning how to be self-reliant. By watching how to make tea on YouTube. Rani's parents are impressed.

43. Where are Jamini and Kanwal? Why are they being overshadowed?

44. The Randhawa women finally stand up for themselves. Even if it is Gayathri singing "Gup chup gup chup" in front of a likely suiter.

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45. Of course no KJo movie is complete without a grand song and dance sequence. Everything here is so red. I understand it is Durga Puja, but still. Poor Mr. India wouldn't be able to hide here.

46. The choreography seems so trashy. Alia's moves are so weird. 

47. Oh family drama! Fingers pointing. Oh pushing too. Rani pushes/hits/shoos Rocky's father away. Ohhhh, not done Rani, so not done. Bad move. We all think about trashing our in-laws. We don't actually do it.

48. Thankfully, Rocky thinks the same too. Good that our man is not so blinded in love that he cannot notice disrespect. 

49. Annnndddd they break up! This relationship made no sense in any way. She seemed in awe of his stupidity and he in awe of her intellect. How?

50. Tijori's wife speaks up! Yay for women empowerment. 50 shades of feminism anyone?

51. Kanwal and Tijori mend their issues and Kanwal almost immediately dies. Was it the shock of feminism or the fact that his son actually considered his wife a living being?

52. Has there ever been a KJo movie without a funeral? 

53. The Chatterjees come to pay their last respects. Jamini has to cry out loud as Dhanlakshmi sticks to her Ghostface.

54. Fumes of the last rites clear Tijori's brain and he visits the Chatterjees to apologize. Wait? Why?

55. They accept the apology and now Rani must run all over town trying to find Rocky. In a saree and heels.

56. Rocky is found accompanied by a lot (and I mean a lot) of noise. One wouldn't expect anything less from Ranveer Singh.

57. "Tu kya hai yaar?" - Rani. "Jo bhi hu, tera hu yaar!" - Rocky. Ladies and Gentleman, the new definition of love.

58. Poor Jamini and Kanwal. They were the pawns here. Was this supposed to be a mystery?

59. Rocky and Rani get married to a song called "Kudmayi". Dhanlakshmi refuses to attend the wedding but decides to share the recipe of the world famous laddoo with laddo grand-bahu instead. Has there been a KJo movie without a wedding sequence? 

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60. Rocky has finally learned how to wash and dry bras! This has been hailed as the most progressive scene of the year. 

Yay, what a moral to the story.