Sixty Thoughts That Crossed My Mind While Watching 'Kalank' #NotAMovieReview

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It had been a while since I wrote a #NotAMovieReview post. With the shifting, work and everything else in between, I barely had time to watch movies. One day when the husband was out working late, I found some time to browse through Netflix, Prime and Hotstar. When 'Kalank' was being advertised on Prime, I was like wasn't this the movie that got really harsh reviews? Also, wasn't this the movie that Karan Johar said was his late father's dream project? Could it be that bad? Well, there was only one way to find out!

Armed with my stash of jackfruit chips and a glass of guava juice, I sat down to watch this colorful spectacle (trust me when I say this). Here are the sixty thoughts that crossed my mind while watching Yash and Karan Johar's dream project, aptly titled 'Kalank'.

Kalank is said to be a tragic period drama set in the 1940s that revolves around love (Duh!) and India's partition (maybe this was included just to justify the gargantuan sets of the 40s). Satya (Sonakshi Sinha) is dying and wants to find a suitable bride for her (well, beat this) husband, before she kicks the bucket. She promises Roop (Alia Bhatt) and her father that her family will be taken care of well if Roop agrees to be a "companion" for her husband, Dev. Dev Chaudhry (Aditya Roy Kapoor) is the son of Balraj Chaudhry (Sanjay Dutt) and they own and run the newspaper called The Daily Times. Dev and Roop get married without even looking at each other. To kill time, Roop decides to learn music at Heera Mandi under the guidance of Bahaar Begum (Madhuri Dixit). Enter Zafar (Varun Dhawan), the local Ironman (pun intended) and rebel who beds every woman in sight. When Roop wants to write an article on Heera Mandi, Zafar decides to show her around. If the story and its obvious cliches and predictions hadn't unfolded yet, it does now.

*************** Major Spoilers Ahead ***************

1. No Dharma music in the starting credits? Something is not right. Also, why is there is a weird eerie Titanic type music instead?

2. The first dialogue in the movie is "Main jaanti hu ki main mar rahi hu" (I know I'm dying), by Satya. What. A. Start.

3. Satya also says "A dying person should fix their karma instead of fixing their health". Carpe diem for pessimists, I guess.

4. Oh, so fixing the karma means getting her husband married to another woman. Even if it is against that woman's will? WOW!

5. Roop's introductory song is here. Is she flying from one building to another holding a kite? Wait, this reminds me of something. Aishwarya Rai's entry scene in 'Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam'. Now, that was a really good movie. Should watch it again. Ajay Devgn was soooooooooo good in it. Looks like I'm distracted. Let's get back to this movie.

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6. Alia Bhatt cannot look like a village belle. She can't do this. Udta Punjab, yes. This one, no!

7. Zafar's introduction song. First class something. Talk about KJo being over-confident. Is that Kiara Advani? She's so pretty.

8. Kiara seems to be the new Kajol, popping up in every KJo movie of late.

9. Roop and Dev get married and don't even look at each others faces? Interesting. Not even when Dev tells her "Is rishte mein izzat hoga, pyaar nahi" (This relationship will be based on respect, not love). When you respect someone won't you look at their face?

10. 10 years later? WTF! What did I miss?

11. OOOHHHHH! So, Roop is narrating this entire story to someone? Why though? For the audience?

12. Back to the past again where there is a kohl-eyed Kunal Khemmu as Abdul, Zafar's bestie! Why does he look so angry all the time?

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13. Dev looks soooo good. ARK is such a good looking man! WOWOWOWOWOW!

14. And yet so stoic, sigh!

15. Sonakshi seems to be having a crazy Lootera hangover. What is she dying from? She looks perfectly fine and gorgeous to me.

16. Why does Zafar keep referring to himself as an illegitimate child? Is it relevant to the story?

17. Why does only Roop keep hearing music and no one else? DDLJ alert!

18. So, the music is coming from Heera Mandi where Bahaar Begum teaches singing? Heera Mandi is such a contrived and ominous name.

19. Bahaar Begum agrees to teach Roop music when she walks in on a class singing 'Ghar more pardesiya' and matches the lyrics, music, tune and dance steps perfectly with everyone. Even if it is her first time there. Student Of The Year, indeed!

20. OOOHHHHH! Bahaar Begum doesn't like the Chaudhrys. Could this be any more predictable?

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21. Please don't tell me Zafar is the child of Balraj Chaudhry and Bahaar Begum.

22. What do you know, he actually is! Is there any originality in this story?

23. Roop meets Dev and tells him that she wants to meet Dev? Hahaha. Maybe just for this scene they did not look at each other at their wedding and on their marital night filled with dialogues (see thought 9).

24. Hiten Tejwani and Achint Kaur are in the movie too. Yay, great actors! About time they received some due in the big bad world of Bollywood.

25. Hiten is Dev's assistant (2 scenes) and Achint is Roop's maid (4 scenes)? Excellent! Great job on the casting, KJo.

26. A holi scene? Okay, I'm getting bored of all the colors and huge sets! KJo seems to be living the Bhansali dream here.

27. Oh wait, it is Dussehra, not holi! My bad. I must have gotten confused because of all the colors being thrown around.

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28. Why does every scene featuring Madhuri involve her singing? With expressions et all?

29. Devdas alert!

30. Damn, Alia Bhatt can't do this. An excellent actress, but she can't do this! Why did you force her KJo? Why? Why? Why?

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31. Why does Zafar look a poor man's Raess? Impersonating SRK way too much.

32. Now he's fighting a bull? Could the bull look any more fake? Terrible CGI and VFX. Wait, this is again a deja-vu moment for me. Bhallala Deva does the same in 'Bahubali', right?

33. Is anything original in this script? Wait, does it have a script or did KJo just wing it from his father's dream? Inception style.

34. Zafar tells Roop, "Women are beautiful and easy". MCP alert! Roop seems impressed. Stupidity alert!

35. Zafar is now showing Roop Heera Mandi and suddenly there is a refugee camp? Why does this look like deleted scenes from 'Bhaag Milka Bhaag'?

36. Satya has cancer! OOOHHHHH, that's why she's dying? No chemo, no hairfall, nothing? I guess KJo was done with his share of baldness in 'Ae Dil Hai Mushkil'.

37. Why is Zafar always washing his face or his sword? ALWAYS. In almost every scene.

38. Also, is Zafar planning on serenading Roop (which weirdly seems to be working very well) just to get back at Balraj Chaudhry?

39. Satya dies, Dev is drinking alone. Aashiqui, anyone?

40. Dev and Zafar meet! And talk about the number of women they have slept with. Classy!

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41. Item song with Kriti Sanon. Why does she look like Aishwarya from 'Kajra Re'? Oh hell, the whole set up looks like that!

42. Varun meets Ammi and Abba together! Hahahaha, what a confrontation scene!

43. Not another song, please. Nooooooo.

44. Why does Madhuri look like she was forced to do this? Tabaah hogaye, indeed!

45. Madhuri stepped into the late Sridevi's shoes, right? Good. Sridevi can actually rest in peace knowing that she was not a part of this.

46. Roop learns that Zafar has been using her and immediately decides to sleep with her husband. What ever happened to trust and clearing the equation?

47. Zafar actually loves her now? Well, if only I did not see that coming.

48. Roop has to choose between Dev and Zafar now? Wow, talk about getting lost between New York and Philadelphia cheesecake. Sophie's choice only this is.

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49. Why is Abdul setting every place on fire? Saving the Muslims? Where did that come from suddenly? Also, why is he only looking to kill Zafar, Dev and Roop?

50. I love ARK though, he seems to do justice to the role given! If only he chooses decent scripts and movies. You think Ayushmann can help him?

51. A train scene. Zafar running as Roop is stretching out her hand for him. Now, now, where have we seen this before? Ja Zafar Ja, jee le apni zindagi.

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52. Dev holds Roop who tries to hold Zafar. This probably is the only balancing act in the movie.

53. Was this movie about love or partition or the fact that KJo can also pull off a Bhansali?

54. Talk about backstabbing! Literally.

55. Zafar dies! Thank God! Like they say, overacting does kill.

56. What's with the Titanic like music that comes and goes every alternate scene?

57. What happened the Balraj and Begum? Not important?

58. So, Dev and Roop live together happily ever after? Maybe they'll call their son Zafar.

59. The movie ends with Roop asking the audience, "Aapne is kahani mein kya dekha?" (What did you see in this story).

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60. "Humse zyada barbaad aur koi nahi is duniya mein", is the only thing that comes to mind.

26 comments:

  1. You really watched it! I think Karan Johar must not do these movies because he makes a mess of these. I don’t have the courage to watch this movie. Maybe, I’ll forward and watch it someday when I absolutely have nothing to do. It was looking like a dud from the moment the trailer came on. What a waste!

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  2. Hahahaha thank you for this piece.. now I know whole story without watching it 😜

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  3. Thanks for this. Was in no mood to ever watch the film. You need to consider doing this for more cringe worthy films... If you can survive going through them all :)

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    1. Damn, the things I need to do to keep a blog running :P

      As and when I come across the courage to sit through some, I'll write about it.

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  4. The movie title defines the movie. Itni boring movie... I watched on youtube by forwarding most scenes. 35, 36 and 45...exactly my thoughts.

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    1. You watched it too? High five, sistah! :D

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  5. Thanks for this! I needed the laugh, Soumya. I've read so much about this movie, none of which has inspired me to watch it, but maybe after this one, I will, for the laughs!!

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    1. Oh you should! This one is unintentionally funny.

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  6. HILARIOUSSSSSSS!!!
    How I loved reading your views (and the story) of Kalank! Way better than watching the movie :P
    I wasn't interested in seeing the movie, but am so so glad I read this post! Makes for REAL entertainment--tax free! :P

    And, that last line....perfect! Is that really what Alia asks the audience at the end? What did you see in the story? Guess KJo must have added the line at the end so he could learn from the audience :P

    Soumya, I think you must do such posts about every new movie that releases. This way we will know which movie will kick the bucket and which movie will win an award/ which movie we should spend our money on, and which movie can go to hell!

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    1. I should, right? I'll try my best from now on :)

      You should watch this one, Shilpa! Quite something it is :D

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  7. I suddenly want to watch the film and tick off each point in your list.

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    1. Please do. Let's talk once you have watched it :D

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  8. I haven't watched this movie but your post is very interesting, as usual. I think you should pitch this 'Not A Movie Review' idea to some newspaper or website. ☺

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  9. Wow! I like the way you think 😄 but did you have these thoughts while watching the movie or after! I agree with most of them but I think they didn't have chemotherapy during independence. So at least Karan got that right. Rest was all cliched but in Udhampur this movie was the only thing to lift a boring week and month 🙄 and yes ARK.....he helped.

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    1. While watching, exactly why the thoughts are in ascending order :P

      You are the only one apart from kJo who seems to have liked the movie. ARK does help, I agree.

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  10. I saw it on Prime. My bad! Such a bad movie with such talented actors requires skills of another kind. Also Alia and Varun speak atrocious Urdu. Kuch diction training kar lete. No thought spent on the period at all. Item song and midriff bearing clothes. This movie was as bad as the reviews said. No sense. Yes I liked ARK too and Madhuri. Rest of them were quite useless. What a waste of money and talent!

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    1. Tell me about it! Such a waste of talent. The cast had no clue what they were expected to do! Ah I did not even understand most of the Urdu lines :P

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  11. I dont have to watch this movie anymore ! Thanks Sowmya and what brilliant observations!

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  12. Hilarious! I have no courage to watch this one. At all.
    Brilliant and you need to do more #notmoviereviews :)

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    1. You and I should go watch a bad movie sometime :P

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  13. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ROFL................. :-)

    I am more entertained by this review than the movie and you have hit the nail on the head with everything there Soumya. I also watched it on netflix I think and then cursed myself for doing so.

    All these actors - Alia, Varun, etc, etc, etc, are just PRETTY things with fluff in between the cerebrum. This movie was so so so shitty - tax break thing perhaps for Kjo? And there is no ways this was his fathers dream - perhaps in his dreams ;-)

    The Bhansali-meets - Bahubali frames were YUCK ; Madhuri totally wasted and what shitty dialogues - who was this movie for? And I want to ask these peeps aapne is movie mein kya dekha jo sign kar diya?

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