Padmaavat & The Missing 'I' #NotAMovieReview

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It has been quite a while since I had a conversation with Sejal and now it was time to meet the cast of another movie. I happened to watch 'Padmaavat' over the weekend and I had way too many questions that I had to ask the cast. Thanks to the controversies and open letters the movie triggered, I was amused by the name change at the last minute. That is when I decided to be the missing 'I' and talk to the team about their experience working in the movie. After making a million calls to Bhansali and his team, they finally allowed me to have a chat with the main protagonists, Padmavati and Khilji. I reached the top secret location much ahead of time and waited for them to arrive. I was thrilled as I love Deepika and Ranveer, separately and together. I couldn't wait to meet them. As I checked my phone and set up my writing pad and pen, I see the door open and someone walks in.

I: Oh Hello! I was actually expecting Deepika and Ranveer.

Shahid (smiling wide): So, Rajput ko expect nahi kar rahe the aap?

I: Sorry, but I was told I'd be meeting the other two here. Are they coming?

Shahid: You see, we couldn't risk getting them together here. We planned a dream sequence with them in the movie and hell broke lose. So, the team decided to not have them in an interview together.

I (clearly disappointed and angry): Oh alright.

Shahid (proudly): Don't you worry, they sent the next best thing.

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I: Actually, the next best thing would have been Jim Sarbh, but, that's fine.

Shahid: You seem disappointed.

I: See, I'm a huge fan of them and I was rooting for #DeepVeer, so I wanted to meet them.

Shahid: Awwww.

I (surprised): Oh! You are a fan of #DeepVeer too?

Shahid: No! My wife just sent a cute picture of my daughter. See. (Shows me his phone)

I: Picture? There are atleast a hundred pictures here.

Shahid: Come on, we need to beat Taimur. So my wife and I decide what pictures of our daughter we should share on social media on a daily basis. We need more likes at any cost.

I: Nice.

Shahid: Nice na, she's precious. So is my wife. And my daughter. And my wife.

I: Can we talk about the movie now?

Shahid: Sure. We Rajput's are always ready.

I: Erm, you aren't an actual Rajput.

Shahid: But I'm still in character. How do you think I managed to play the role so convincingly?

I: Sorry Shahid, you were great in 'Haider' and 'Kaminey', but you looked terribly out of place in 'Padmaavat'. Even Raza Murad's voice had more screen presence than you.

Shahid: Since you are a guest here, I'll not be rude to you. We Rajput's don't ill-treat our guests.

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I: So you thought that you were good in the movie? I mean you and Padmavati looked like siblings for God's sake. Almost like your scenes were shot separately and put together by VFX, just like that piece of cloth on her waist in the 'Ghoomar' song.

Shahid: Oh! That was intentional.

I: Sorry, what?

Shahid: You see I am a married man now. I need to have chemistry only with my wife. I cannot have that with any other woman.

I: Not even when acting?

Shahid: We Rajputs don't cheat on our wives. Ever!

I: But your character goes away to buy pearls for his first wife and comes back with a second wife. What was that?

Shahid: I may need to use phone a friend here.

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I: Never mind. How did you feel working with another actor in the movie? I mean, Ranveer has given a career best performance here.

Shahid: Theek tha. As long as I got the better kajal, I did not care much.

I: Right. Didn't you feel overshadowed by him?

Shahid: Why would I? He's the villian and I'm the hero. How can a villian overshadow the hero?

I: Haven't you heard of Mogambo or Gabbar Singh?

Shahid: Oh, my daughter loves Mogambo! That's why my wife and I are getting her a crown like his. By the way, have you seen the latest pictures of my wife? Let me show you. She looks gorgeous.

I: Yeah, most twenty-two year old women are. With the right clothes and right makeup.

Shahid: Are you talking about the age gap between my wife and I?

I: No, I'm talking about the chemistry gap between Padmavati and your character. For a woman who is prepared to die for love, there was no love that one could see. Honestly, the only love that I could see was in Mailk Kafur's (Jim Sarbh) eyes for his master.

Shahid: No way. Ratan and Padmaavati were very much in love. Didn't you see the scene where we almost make out but are interruped by a voyeur?

I: That almost making out scene was supposed to show love?

Shahid: You know I did that scene keeping my wife in mind. Because we Rajputs.....

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I: Yeah, I get it. Anyway, what was your take on the Jauhar angle?

Shahid: Arey yaar, he thinks that his left angle looks the best. Leave the poor soul alone.

I: Sorry, what are you talking about?

Shahid: Karan Johar yaar. His left angle is the best, I said. Actually he says. So, I just said what he says.

I: No, I meant Jauhar. The self-immolation of women in the movie. What's your take on that?

Shahid: You see, my wife is a feminist. So is our daughter. So I think women should have the right to do what they want to do.

I: Well, in that case Swara Bhaskar also had the right to express what she felt about the movie. I found it unnecessary, but still.

Shahid: That was terrible. How could she talk about the vaginas of Rajput women like that?

I: There were other things mentioned in the letter too.

Shahid: Still, that was shameful. She shouldn't have done that.

I: But the Karni Sena did more than that. Why didn't you get the film industry together and fight them out? You didn't say anything about it.

Shahid: I am a family man yaar. I don't want to get into all this. Plus, Rajputs mind their own business.

I: The fight between you and Khilji, how did you prepare for that?

Shahid: My daughter and I play video games all the time. That helped me a lot.

I: Great. Also, do you happen to know why Deepika's eyes was watery throughout the movie? Looked like she was missing Ranveer.

Shahid: Actually, that was because she got the cheapest kajal. Ranveer and I got better ones. Because, man power!

I: Great, so much for the above said feminism. Also, when you gave commands in the movie or spoke with vigor, you seemed literally shaky. As did your voice.

Shahid: I was acting from inside you see. Effects toh dikhega hi.

I: Right! What made you do the movie in the first place? Ranveer and Deepika are Bhansali's darlings, it would have been hard to be the third wheel.

Shahid: Like my wife said on 'Koffee With Karan', if she could turn into an actor, she wanted to play the role of Padmavati. I just imagined her instead of Deepika.

I: But the lukewarm chemistry....

Shahid: Enough! As a Rajput I have made my stance clear on that.

I: The sets, the costumes, the colors - Looks like Bhansali carried forward everything from his last two movies. They pretty much looked the same.

Shahid: Acha? I haven't noticed. I was too busy measuring the size of my daughter's tooth.

I: But you have seen Bhansali movies before right?

Shahid: Of course.

I: Which one is your favorite?

Shahid: Mughal-E-Azam. I copied my mannerisms from Akbar.

I: Ah, that explains it!

Shahid: My wife's calling, I'll be back. (goes out of the door)

I (talking to my wrist): Calling from base camp, come get me please. I cannot go through this.

20 comments:

  1. Ha ha this was just the best. 'My wife my daughter' was hilarious. I do wish you'd have gotten Ranveer though. He always makes for great copy.

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    1. Ranveer will come on his birthday. He's always that good.

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  2. This was seriously hilarious! You are good at these non-reviews with a lot of witty repartees thrown in. The less said about the Padmavat(i) drama the better. I really doubt if I will ever watch this movie.

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    1. Only certain movies and characters make me want to this. The movie is worth a one time watch for Ranveer alone.

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  3. Hahahaha oh poor Shahid... And loved all the parts about wife and daughter... I haven't even seen his daughter so I am curious now. Please feature Ranvir, that is going to be one heck of a conversation ๐Ÿ˜€

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    1. You haven't? Logon to any media channel and you will :P

      Ranveer will come on his birthday in July :)

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  4. Okay this was way more entertaining than the movie would have been. Soumya, you should do more of these posts. :)

    I can't decide which bit was my favorite :)

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    1. Thank you, Shy! Shahid was wasted in the movie and I had to do this :)

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  5. haha! Loved this, Soumya. Especially the wife daughter and again wife part as Tulika says. You should do more of these posts.

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    1. Thank you, Naba! Good to see you here after a long time :)

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  6. Hahaha!
    Just today I was talking with a cousin who ripped the movie apart! She asked me not to watch the movie even if I was given free tickets! Hehehe..And, now your take on the Padmavat or, 'Pakaa mat", as it's famously known now. Why? Why did SLB have to spend so much money on this Bajirao Part two? He needs to learn to make simpler, low budget movies, don't you think? Movies that won't awake some Sena and create chaos all over the country!

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    1. You said it, Shilpa! But this one is worth a watch for Ranveer alone. Deepika is wasted too.

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  7. Hahaha... Shahid was boring. You have picked his irritants so perfectly. Also deepika's watery eyes are a mystery.

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    1. You noticed too? What was that?

      Thank you, Lata.

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  8. I was curious to know how Shahid was in the movie. From reviews I could make out he was disappointing but this is something else.
    'We have to beat Taimur?!' ๐Ÿ˜‚

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    1. Disappointing is a kind word, my friend :)

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  9. After a minute into reading this, I really thought you were going to meet them both. You had me there. I read conversation with Sejal only after this post. So I couldn't stop laughing about Shahid even though I didn't watch the movie.

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    1. You thought what? Hahaha, I wish :P

      Thank you, Jay.

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  10. I'm going to have to confess I have no idea who any of them are {except Karan Johar} so I'm a bit clueless but I did get some of the humour! :P I do know there was some controversy about this movie resulting in riots and stuff but that's not new to India, is it?

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  11. Hahahah you got them all correct girl!!! and seriously as Shailaja has mentioned above this is far more entertaining than the movie. The movie is to be watched for Ranveer and ranveer alone.. What was Shahid doing in it? :)

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