Closure


'Fear can hold you prisoner, Hope can set you free' ~ Shawshank Redemption.

Hope is seriously a funny thing. Dangerous actually. When you count on hope, you realise that it never mattered. That's not the key to life. Acceptance is. There are no free lunches in this world. Everything comes at a price. Be it a job, materialistic stuff, sanity or love. Everything in life is actually a matter of choice. You choose to sit back, you lose. You choose to fight, you get hurt. A great deal of life is normally spent on trying to strike a perfect balance between holding on and letting go. You need to forgive, to forget. And then forget, to start something new. At times, lines have to be drawn.

I don't know why I chose to dwell in morose hood for so long. But again being a fast learner doesn't mean that you get everything at the first go. It was my first after all. Now I know. For me love is very simple. Either you love someone or you don't. There are no ifs and buts and absolutely no conditions. An "I love you, but... " makes no sense what so ever. A simple "I don't love you anymore" would have done the trick 2 years ago. But again some people get to learn it the hard way. They say that God tries the people whom he loves the most. I must be so damned loved then.

It did hurt, yes. I did shed a few tears, but it did not affect me in the gargantuan way that I thought it would. I'm satiated that I tried my 200%. I did not let go till the nth moment. I was content in the wait because I thought that the end product was worth it. But when the nth moment gets pushed on forever, patience slips. You start questioning yourself and your beliefs. When I did, I got an answer that probably it was never worth it. I was looking at it from a different angle. And now I agree, the ego did come in most of the time. Leo's just cannot agree that they made a wrong choice. They probably choose to die slowly inside than to show it to the world that they were wrong. Strangely now I feel that was all it. Losers talk maybe, but still. When everything around you is questioned, you start questioning yourself.

I thought love will overcome all odds. After all it happens only to a very few people. Lucky people if I may say. I remember saying that uncertainty is very beautiful. You never know what is in store and its kinda exciting. But when you know there is nothing in store but void, uncertainty is crap. I can't live like that anymore. I let go. I take back my love.

There always is a hope of a better tomorrow. Every storm comes with a rainbow, and I intend to reach my pot of gold. My facebook status today says that 'Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous'. I saw something today and I know that there is a God. I've been smiling since then and I know that now God is smiling back at me too. If I can love the wrong person so madly, I can imagine how beautiful it will be when the right person comes along. Yes, everything happens for a reason. And more often than not the reasons are really beautiful.

I'm glad that I did not become bitter or cynical about love. I still so believe in love. It’s the most beautiful feeling in the world, provided its both ways. Damn it, just when I thought there were no conditions in love. But yes, there is a very thin almost invisible line between being in love and being foolish and I absolutely have no intentions of crossing it. Right now I have no strength for a relationship. And I'm not in love either. The wounds are no longer fresh, come on I've been nursing them for years now. But there still are the scars. Some hazy moments and some invisible memories. Everything fades away with time. If you want it to. You can establish anything. If you really want to. Someday when I'm strong enough I wouldn't hold myself back like how I have until now. I know I've lost out many options, but I'm sure that if I didn't want them then, I wouldn't want them now either. So, no regrets.

I don't know what to call this, so I would call it closure. A beautiful chapter with a not so beautiful but decent and clear ending. For the first time ever, I'm beginning to think of a life without a certain someone. I had never ever reached this phase until now. That's a BIG development for me. From now on, there is no looking back. Its time to follow my convent slogan now I guess, "Ever Onward". Better late than never.

13 comments:

  1. hello Soumya,

    yes accepting what has happened nd putting things into perspective enables us to move on. But still hoping for a better future isnt bad as it is the possibility of what you are hoping to come true,that helps you move forward leaving behind the bygones.

    Good, you are thinking positive and I would say it is impossible to always have everything goody goody...life isnt like that. So when there are unpleasant things, call them an accident and move forward with an optimism emerging stronger out of that.

    Good luck girl....gather strength and fly away into a brighter side of life.

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  2. @Soumya: You've shown your strength through everything in those years. Not everyone has the capacity to love fiercely. You've shown the true prowess of a lioness. But one chapter has to close for the next to begin. And the attitude to start a new one is definitely perfect. You could have a wonderful life with someone who appreciates. All the best for that...

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  3. Right on!

    There are no if's and but's in love. If there are, its not love but a mockery of the word.
    I believe that everything, Everything can be healed, may take time, but it can, and if someone says that they can't, they are not trying.

    I wish you luck and seriously, there are a few people around here to whom I could make this thing clear and understandable.

    I wish to write more, but can't think of exactly what, so I'll leave with this:

    Oh, when I was in love with you,
    Then I was clean and brave,
    And miles around the wonder grew
    How well did I behave.

    And now the fancy passes by,
    And nothing will remain,
    And miles around they'll say that I
    Am quite myself again.

    -----A.E. HOUSMAN


    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  4. Closure! - You might feel and think its 'the end'. But, I feel, this 'closure' has actually 'opened' ways to the better rest of your life.

    This is the day I was waiting to see in your life. If said earlier, I know it would have not sounded all that sweet to you. Anyways, as you concluded, its better late than never!

    Best wishes, Soumya.

    Live Life Leo Size :o)

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  5. Ever since I started reading the first few lines, I've had this feeling in the stomach, why do I relate to this post?!
    When you spoke about a LEO?
    I nodded my head here in agreement!

    We all go through such a phase at least once in a life time! What matters the most is the 200% that you GAVE than you've RECEIVED!

    When things don't work out well, all we need is a healthy attitude toward it!
    And I see that you have a very positive stance about life.

    I love your writings :)

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  6. Sowmya, that was really emotional. Could totally understand your mental state now. Be happy that you at least came to know that 'that someone' was not the right person for u. Everything happens for a reason and keep in mind 'This too Shall Pass'.

    Take Care!!

    Cheers,
    Sukanya

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  7. Wow, that's a lot of support out here. Normally I just thank everyone in general, but for this I'll address each one..

    @Always Happy, Hello!

    Yes, bygones are better left bygones. The hope for a better future will always remain, even if the players in life change. I know, life is kinda boring without any drama, but God poured an overdose of it towards my side. I need some serenity now. Accident? Perfect! That's what I'd call it from now on. I have emerged a stronger person and at the end of the day that's what counts.

    Thank you so much for your support! :)

    @Savan, The same birth date does work wonders!

    Thank you for all your support. We Leo's are meant to be strong and not succumb. I'd live by that now. Lioness I agree, but was a foolish one until now. Will be fine now. Yes pages are meant to be turned and chapters have to end. It all seems so easy now. I definitely need someone who will understand and appreciate me. Someday maybe.

    Thank you so much for your wishes. You're the best shrink I've ever had :)

    @BA, Thanks!

    Seriously, love is not a joke! And definitely not a thing to be taken for granted. I totally agree that absolutely everything can be healed. I never, never tried until now. Now that I did, its feels so simple and smart. And instant!

    There are a lot of people out there who like me have been living in their past. Time to wake up people. Nothing is impossible if you try. Don't make me re-state the King Bruce story now.

    Thanks for this BA, I hope all get the message. I totally agree with the poet. Its all a fancy that wears off someday when not appreciated.

    Thanks again!

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  8. @Prashanth, Nice to see you back after long..

    I agree in complete glory. A lot of doors have now opened to better ways. You could have said anything you want, I would have understood it. I know you intend only good for me.

    Haha Leo size indeed. Thank you for the wishes!

    @Esther, Welcome to my blog!

    Ah a fellow Leo too? Seriously all that matters is that I tried my best. So what if I didn't receive, I gave with all my might.

    No losers out here. Everyone wins with optimism.

    Thank you so much. Do visit again! :)

    @Sukanya, Thanks!

    I'm glad I dint wait for another couple of years to realize this. Yes, everything happens for a reason and now I have found that reason, so no regrets. Everything passes, time waits for none anyway. I'm just going with the flow.

    Thanks again. Cheers!

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  9. hello again, see all of us love you and care for you. Feeling loved is the bestest feeling. Keep blogging .

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  10. @Always Happy, Hello and Thanks again..

    I'm so glad to have so much support. Yes, it is the best feeling in the world. Will keep on writing. After all what is better than 'Dil ki baat, blog ke saath' :)

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  11. Writer , how old are you? Your best in writing!.Seems each line is striking! Article is so full of emotion and wisdom..while reading am also learning...wow i can really tell your so brave and firm in facing life ,how i wish am like you or most women must be like you...shedding less tears and having a stand to look forward and no turning back....

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  12. @Angel,
    Thank you so much, you've been really kind. I'm 24 and have been through a lot in life that has helped me learn.

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  13. have been reading ur blog from some time.. but this line moved me so much "If I can love the wrong person so madly, I can imagine how beautiful it will be when the right person comes along. Yes, everything happens for a reason. And more often than not the reasons are really beautiful".... wonderful way to express the emotions and staying +ve.

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Care to leave a word or two? Thanks for dropping by :)