There is so much that I want to say. Lots of words and frustrations pent up inside me. I write, I write a lot. I talk, I talk a lot too. But those words and feelings inside me is something that I can never pen down. It screams inside me and shakes me up to come out. But I can't get it out. Its something that someone else needs to understand. I have words, plenty of them. I even have fairly good enough talent to write, and I have the means too. But as I open up a note to write I'm overwhelmed by what I feel and can't get beyond that.
There are so many things that I want to say, but when he comes in front of me my antennas are raised and it screams out caution! I'm just happy to say things that he wants to hear knowing that anything else I say may stop the verbal liaison's we have now. I'm so easily willing to let go of my cores; feelings, desires, respect for self, necessities, lust, love and am perfectly willing to put up with the hurt and the pain and the insanity that follows. But there are times when I just want to scream out my side of the sorrowful three months that then lead to two whole years of agony. Every part of me pierces to get it out, but I know I can't. I know I wont.
There are so many things left unsaid. So many questions unanswered. So many questions with the wrong answers. So many answers without the right questions. Unanswered pain, unanswered humiliation, unanswered grief, unanswered mental blocks and unanswered reasons. If only I could say, and if only he could understand.
I smile, I cry. I'm hurt, I'm void. I'm angry, I'm lost. I'm sad, I'm incomplete. I'm frustrated, I'm desperate. I think, I breathe. But again, breathing is not called living.
He smiles, he laughs. He's happy, he's content. He sings, he plays. His touch, his smell. His voice, his words. His madness, his presence. He lives. And so, I live.
As I went back reading my old poetry yesterday I was amazed by how random people who visit my blog understood the pain behind every verse rather than the one who forced these thoughts into my mind. I'm sure he knows, but he'd rather not let me know. Every single person in my life has asked me to let it go and make peace with myself but I can't pass a second without thinking of the reasons for which we smiled together someday. I've always intended on letting go and move on, but I never planned on falling in love more and more all over again. But I guess that's the beauty of love. You never know what happens when, why and how.
No matter what the world says, my heart will do what it wants to anyway. I cant fight it out cos I know that the only way I can win this dragging battle is by letting my heart stop. I had made my peace with the pain and the silence. But at times it gets too much to bear. I've gotten so busy concentrating on being a lioness trying to be bold and strong outside; that at times I forget that I'm human too. The immature, hurt, depressed girl in me screams to get out, but she tightly holds on slowly poisoning my core. Its tough when the potion that poisons and heals you is the same.
When my words didn't work, I chose silence. But it kills, and how. At times it gets so deafening when it screams out the way I feel.