Turn me Blind

Just when I was getting used to the solitude, the mind kicked in. I had made a compromise with life, accepting to take anything that comes my way as long as the people I care about are happy. It was a deal I had with God. God seemed to be more than happy with this arrangement and showered me with crap in the form of stress, ill health, anxiety, fake friends, annoying people, additional work, pain, pain and more pain. I put up with all of it, not complaining once. Not asking for anything else.

But everything seems to be going awry now. The mind is the most terrible place to be in. The visions I'm seeing of late have left me paralysed. Its like being plunged by a million knives at a million places. Before I realize the pain in one place, I get another spasm. Aren't anti-depressants supposed to work? They don't seem to be working anymore. My mind is taking a course of its own and my heart is helplessly watching, killing me on the outside. The visions I'm seeing has left me sleep deprived. They are not out of my mind for a second. They seem to be following me everywhere slowly oozing life out of me. I'm turning into a zombie. I can't recognise the face I see in the mirror anymore. My worst fear seems to be coming true. I can sense an approaching breakdown.

The madness croons,
I want to scream;
I want this to end,
Like some scary dream.

The pain stabs,
Choking every breath;
How do I live?
Should I long for death?

Should I continue?
This losing battle for love;
Should I hold on?
Or just give up now?

I'm perplexed,
As I stand alone;
Waiting for something,
That is long gone.

Is this what I deserve?
Pangs of disappointment?
Is this how I'll live?
Is there room for atonement?

I'm so tired,
That I could collapse;
I'm exhausted,
Heading towards a relapse.

I see darkness,
Nothing seems to be lit;
Trying hard to hold on,
But slowly, I'm losing it.